Season's greetings! It's that time of year where we sing, cheer, and grope each other under the mistletoe or in the copy room. But it's also that time of year where the office creeper may take your friendly smile for a 'come and get it' grin. Where do they find such whack-jobs anyways? What matters most, is that they usually find me...
Two years ago, a young man sent me a very crude photo of female body parts. When I asked him why he'd do such a thing, he replied, "Cuz I thought it'd get you going." Hey now! If my lack of cleavage didn't give the green light, then it was definitely the Beanie Babies lining my cube...
My latest creeper is the poster man-child for everything you shouldn't say when trying to pick up chicks:
"I watched you park your car this morning."
"Yeah sorry I was like out of breath. I wasn't mad at you I just got back from the gym - sore muscles, all hurty! stewpit squats!"
"okay 4get i said anything apparently it's taboo to say thank u when somebody offers you lunch."
"bonjour. been trying not to bug ya but have u heard anything about my snail mail letter?"
And here's a fun exchange:
Dude: we NEED customers listening to this and based on the attendee list the marketing didn't work
by the 3rd webinar it will be ALL us peeps lol
12:00 PM
Me: 1/3 of listeners were external...not too bad actually
12:03 PM
Dude: % wise yes.
typically direct marketing yields about a 4% response.
i assuming the email went out to about 20k people
1/3 of 25 attendees is what? 8? 8 of 20k is .04%.
12:11 PM:
Dude: fyi that is in no way a reflection of ur contribution
1:44 PM
Dude: btw...whats ur ext?
Don't worry. I started wearing a fake diamond ring. LAUGH.
Instead of that New Year's Resolution join-a-gym crap...close out 2011 with your New Year's Confession.
HARD.
Let's turn up that heat and put five fingers up and never-have-i-ever (except i totally did) the hell out of this post. If you don't have any shame-shames to share, please remember that this is a judge free zone. Like the halls of a college dorm. Or 5am group class.
I can't really contribute. Other than getting caught in the most compromising position (in the laundry room. by my grandmother. and yes, everybody knows), it's just been like, a really dull year. Hmmm. Welp. Good chat!
Most of the time. I can keep my cool. Most. Of. The. Time:
I met some friends out at a bar after bingo (holla.), and a few former co-workers were present. Why I love seeing old cubies? Because we gush about how much better our lives are in the aftermath. And by gush I mean to say - we play a little game of "my life's better" - flash dat biz card #impact
So one of the cute girls from production was there, all done up. She ordered this WHOPPING plate of 'tatoe skins that were steaming and dripping cheesy goodness. Topped with little bits of happiness aka bacon. Heads were turning. I belted out "oh. my. god. what are thosssse' [insert bedroom eyes...and drool]
Girl from Production whipped her hair around, and hits me with: "it's my cheat day."
...oh. so you're not gonna share?
Enjoy that platter. Let me get you some complimentary Bingo dabbers to go with dat ass...*ahem* ...sass.
J-fizz and I hit up downtown on a Saturday afternoon. It seemed a little strange that there were homeless people sitting on park benches, watching rich kids pitch camping tents on their turf. Can somebody please explain to me this "Occupy" nonsense? Those tv interviews must be great. Kinda like when Obama was running for president...
NewsAnchor: "So, tell us why Mr. Barack Obama should be president!"
LiberalKid: "Uh, well becausssssse he would change history!!!"
Really? Did President Obama change history - or was it the color of his skin that changed an historically long-standing pattern of rich white boys leading this country? Just saying.
So Occupy the shit out of this: at the gym, J-fizz's peep, EZ-E hit a home run with his t-shirt tagline
"Occupy my pants - I just pitched a tent"
Das right, EZ just blew your mind. Brand that. Hard. And use the profits to get us out of this economic time-bomb.
Oh, and RichieRich had something to say about a nudist colony. But save that for a rainy day.
SERIOUSLY, IT SEEMS LIKE YOU ARE YELLING OR AT LEAST ENUNCIATING IN A REALLY OBNOXIOUS AND OVERBEARING WAY. DON'T ALL-CAPS YOUR DAMN EMAILS. because i will delete them immediately.
(isn't the little voice, the one in your head that reads things aloud; isn't it like totally echoing off your eardrums right now??)
so please, be kind to your co-workers and don't ever give an ALL CAPS unless it's something like:
"SHUT THE FRONT DOOR I'M FALLING OFF MY CHAIR AND URINATING IN MY PANTS LAUGHING SO HARD BUT REALLY BRING ME SOME DEPENDS BECAUSE I CANNOT CONTAIN MYSELF. ALSO HOW WAS YOUR POLITICALLY-CORRECT HOLIDAY SEASON??"
Then there's the off-chance that you have mistakenly left Caps Lock on. In which case: don't you cube zombies proof read your shit?
Alright. I'm gonna go raid a cupboard or something.
BYE HAVE A GREAT EVENING AND WONDERFUL WEDNESDAY MAKE EVERY MOMENT COUNT AND SEIZE THE DAY.
Of course you didn't hear. Because it's silent. Duh.
It
happened 3 weeks ago. J-fizz and I rocked it out. Well, mostly
J-fizz. $11,000 raised in one night. Whuttttt. An incredible FIT feat, a
job well done by all, [fist pump holla] and through some grit, gasoline, and
good grace, hopefully a life has been made a little easier.
If you didn't count your blessings carefully enough on Thanksgiving. Take a moment for a re-do.
Do you ever have one of those years? Try as hard as you might, but all your nice eventually turns naughty. Like the time I made nice with my friend's bf and all the sudden her mom thinks we're sleeping together. So! Taking all the necessary precautions for my loyal readers, Cubicle Claus will be branding and sending out one-of-a-kind condoms to all of you. The perfect, politically correct way to say, "Have a safe, and happy-ending holiday!...ya ho, ho, ho-bag." (one size does not fit all.)
How does that saying go..."everyone has a gift but not everyone unwraps it" ...? Guessing by 'everyone' they mean 'Born Agains'.
When I think of The Old Office...I think of those abused
animal commercials with Sarah McLachlan - the camera panning the 8th
floor and she is sitting back by Jwoww/Corkey's window, "is you, or has
some one you deeply care for, fallen victim to corporate imprisonment?" (camera close up on torn tick sheets, used tissues, a grown man weeping
with his headset on...probably Xtreme. A coffee mug is thrown), "don't
become another casualty of abuse and mental instability" - and then the
token tune, 'In the Arms of an Angel' cues up.
But at the new office, they don't
ration coffee. More like the zoo, less like a pound. Whoever cares for
my cubemate better mind their manners...WATER FOR THE ELEPHANT.
Admittedly, I thought the scratch off was called "Instant Kwiki"...obviously in that case I would have booked my flight to Australia like yesterday. Because any country with a lotto ticket like that is home. Not sure about the Aussie beach boys and the sleeveless puffy vests though...
Is it a girl? Is it a tranny?? NO!! It's J.Bieber!
Selena Gomez has officially been touched by an angel...who's been touched by Michael Jackson (rest in peace...). Right? JBieb is the little Keebler cookie of MJ's heart. White on the outside, chocolate inside.
And who knew that Alanis Morissette was still on the scene? Holler at a girls' first cassette tape [...got beta??] But what's with the Morticia drab?
On Sundays I volunteer for Kidz Club at church. Walking in this morning, a lady held the door for me. She gave me the look-over, and goes, "Ha. I'm not even going to ask."
BOOM! roasted. Well I salute you...angel friend with values has some mischievous habits.
Two years rearranging jelly beans. Then again, I've spent 24 years trying to move out of my parents' house. And look where that got me. Two years doesn't seem so bad anymore eh? Respect, Kina, respect.
“I didn’t want to ruin my minty breath,” says the girl sarcastically. “I was worried about getting home smelling like beer and mom flipping on me, but I wanted to get a booze, so I did it.” [wtf]
Gimme a shout out for fetal alcohol syndrome times 60,298436utiorgfe932jer,000.23 ...!!!!
Is anyone else really disappointed by this? Kids in my high school went on recycling binges; my college launched a campus-wide crusade to get dorms to start filtering paper/plastic. And I even have one friend who bought a reusable tampon (*shudder* she lives in Montana. So nobody should be surprised.)
You'd think that with all of the 'save the planet' and hyper-protesting, kids these days would find a more eco-friendly way to rebel. That's why nobody does whip-its anymore. To which I say, FOR SHAME.
Poor ol' alcohol can't catch a break. Hit the fkn pipe for once, work on nurturing and growing some leaves, start thinking deep thoughts or whatever.
One article refers to it a 'butt chugging'. And that's fkn hilarious.
Hopefully nobody in the Netherlands hears about this.
[j-fizz with her morning tune ins set this one up.]
I think she is PermaCubeLand. As in: she moved in with boxes.
Let's paint the picture: Everything in my cube could fit into a Ziploc baggy. (seriously. 2 greeting cards - jfizz holla. a few push pins. a yo-yo and a pen.)
PermaCuber has a living plant, boxes of plastic utensils, wrapped snacks, and her own K-cups. This both intrigues and terrifies me. Initiating recon...please.stand.by.
In fact, my grandmother had to bribe me last year to get it:
Gma: If you get your flu shot, I will give you spending money for our trip to Italy. Me: ...ugh.
[three weeks later, I got The Shot only because my roommate is a nurse and was able to shoot me up in the kitchen.]
So this year, I don't even know if I'm insured yet since I've been on payroll for like 40 days. Plus there's no trip planned for Europe so I was expecting to avoid The Shot at every Rite Aid or Walgreen's corner.
But my new company offers it free at the Open Enrollment Fair. How terribly inconvenient since it's more fun to avoid getting the The Shot at ALL costs (yet, how can you say no when it's zero cost...??)
While waiting in line, a Creeper approaches:
Creeper: Oh (he eyes, up and down) - don't worry, you won't even feel a thing.
Instead of my natural reaction to shoot him down with...you probably tell women that a lot (ish). - I thoughtfully replied, 'Do I look scared?'
Creeper:No. Actually (again, eyeing.) you look tired.
Geez dude, kick me while the caffeine hasn't yet hit ON TOP OF the preemptive vaccination??? This is killin me.
Right? Work of art. Can't say that I'm much of a boot type gal, or much of an 'anything to do with fashion' type gal. Why drop a ton of dimes on tan, Italian leather boots? They were the only ones that didn't give my calves muffin tops - or result in kankles.
So way to go Europe! I COULD HAVE PAID HALF PRICE FOR THESE THINGS - the Euro stands at 0.72Euro to 1USD ... translation? Eff me. Three months ago, it was 1.5Euro to 1USD.
Don't worry. I returned from Italy, broke (ish). Then I had the good sense to be honest and tell NYS Unemployment that I missed a meeting because I was out of the country...so they stopped paying me for 3 weeks (apparently if you're 'out of the country', then you're not 'eligible' to work in the US). That's okay. I'm keeping tally and am ready to launch spirited retail attack. Just in time for Black Friday. Euro-punks.
This post had a much funnier title about 15 hours ago. But I plum forgot!!
Two items:
Last Thursday, I was showing a potential client around the building. Potential client says to me, "Oh right. What's your name again...Melissa?" No dice.
And today's story won't make any sense. And this link REALLY won't make any sense: Lois Clubs
[i'll let the people judge on that.]
Somebody find me the effing candy corn in this hell hole.
(CNN) - "We're using executive authority. . .stepping into a gap, at no cost to the taxpayer, creating a program that creates additional relief to the students," Barnes said.
The president is under pressure to address the financial concerns faced by students and recent graduates. Student loan debt, which is now outpacing credit card debt, is one of the problems called out at Occupy Wall Street demonstrations in New York.
Hey, Mr. President. Your pants. They are on fire.
Because YOU - A - LIAR!
FedLoan created a 'special' payment program for me. By combining my four payments into two, giant lump sums - one for the beginning of the month. One for the end!!
Plenty other Americans could use a break, and they do not include college grads and their parents (who are probably just sick of having them living back at home.)
Scream doesn't scare me. Mostly because the scream mask looks like the creeper is about to take it...deep.
Paranormal Activity? Yeah, didn't sleep for days. And same thing for Paranormal Activity 2. So on the opening night of PA-3 last Friday, BuckWild and I were readying ourselves for a shitty 76-hr bender. Except for one thing: the Black Noise coming from the black biddies who were screaming all around us.
Haha! For real, real!! At one point - the wave of "OH NO SHE DI'NT!" was more overwhelming than the demon-possessed 8-yr-old girl. Hey. I was laughing myself to tears and afterwards, slept like a baby. Haunted House or Madea's House. You tell me.
a) Sbux trying to save dimes and the environment by using paper cups made of 10% post consumer fiber. Sucks. It has a tendency to be a piss-poor insulator, burn my finger prints off. I'm over your 'green games' Starbucks! I want a fkn styrafoam powerhouse coffee cup that will give Thermos a run for their money...and then when I'm done, I want to throw it in a garbage can and never see it. Ever. Again.
2) A co-worker was all high and mighty, boasting to me about the sweet suite that he watches NHL games in. In this land of fame and fortune, a single case of beer will cost (get this): a minimum of $130. Some child in Africa isn't laughing or crying at that...he is buying a case of beer for $12 and selling it to your dumb ass at the Moron Premium. Yup. I'd rather get spit on by Superfan in the 300s, I won't know that I'm being showered by spit anyways bc I am cranked off my $3 beers thank you.
I was day-dreaming about the Kardashian Wedding, and saw an update on Sarah Palin's campaign for presidency...as in: that ho is NOT running for president?? WTF! That campaign was a blogging gold mine.
SNL and Tina Fey just dropped their ratings without any just cause.
Who clued her into the fact that nobody cares about politics anymore? She knows the fkn drill now. Bristol just turned 21 and, let me just say, she is gonna rocket MamaBear to the top of Mt. Rushmore solely on fumes and FourLoko.
Right?! You know Lindsey Lohan's parents are making eighty-bajillion more than...sorry, what did President Obama name his kids? (SEE! case in point.) Now all we need is for Betty White to adopt the Palins. ...epic.
How to you like me now???? TO HAVE MY TOP10 SEARCH WORDS READ 'SPANDEX' - this is 100% for real real (not for play play). I have nothing but a spout of awesome obscenities to scream at the top of my lungs because, hell fkn yeahhhhhhh. Time to up our spandex searches! I CAN'T LET THE READERS DOWN!!!
Is everybody sick and tired of the "woe is me" crap that I've been spewing? Good. Me too. We got business to attend to.
Inner-office IM came through yesterday: "so, this is totally not work related...but how old are you? we have a running bet up here."
Pardon? Since when is a 'not work related' issue an actual issue? Because I'm definitely NOT offended by dudes guessing my age. Shit. In the Old Office, age was the first thing on the table. Followed by your call on top or bottom [...bunk, that is. top or bottom bunkbed preference].
Nowwww I get it. This place is like...'professional'. These people take smoke breaks. Not lunch dates. And for the record. The lowest guess on my age was 22 (can I get an AMEN!).
Sorry dudes. If you're not the maintenance man then keep on walking.
Please. Join me in this acclimation to the Real Corporate America. It's gonna be a lot like Britney Spears and Motherhood.
Have you ever felt like you were being suffocated, drowned, and clubbed over the head...simultaneously?
I worked two years and 28 days at my last job. Began June 1, 2009 - Ended June 29, 2009. Started out strong. And for a number of reasons, started to fall apart. It's not worth blaming the organization or pointing all fingers at The Management; because if I had decided to lick enough assholes (or get on my knees for the VPs), then that office would have been my playground. But I didn't, so I lost.
The thing about a job like that: you make good friends with your peers. It's the only way you'll survive. Learn what you can. Then get the eff out. And in your off-time, have an EPIC to-do list. Notch!
When I was 'let go', I felt like shit. Because the best thing that came out of that cubicle was this blog. For a while they had me researching (aka: didn't know what to do with me and kind of swept me under the rug for a time) - and in those days, I'd sit in my cube and ponder the meaning of life. It was soul crushing. I felt like I was stealing money from the company. Really, what were they paying me for?
So I busied myself with projects that accumulated on my desk in case some one came over, wondering 'wtf are you doing.'. So by the time I was pulled into the Next big department, the VP told me, "Don't be here because your dad is friends with the CEO." - boom. Right? So I was put on a 30-day notice. And then I ended up juggling several different job titles to make a comeback. That sucked. So yeah. By the time I was 'let go', I was relieved yet full of nothingness. Coincidentally, I was 'let go' on the day I put in my two weeks.
I have a number of choice words for three special people who are still there.
What was I really up to this summer?
Recovery. By the time my first unemployment check deposited, it was apparent that my body had spun off into a different dimension of adrenaline overdrive. Because of my parents' relationship with the CEO, and because I had moved back home, it made everything seem much more extreme. On average, I'd get 3 hours of sleep each night - most nights, waking up in a cold sweat and hyperventilating. I'm the oldest 'kid' in the hood. I'm the oldest 'kid' in the family. There are big expectations; there's only so much that the psyche can take.
"If you end up with a boring, miserable life because you listened to your mom, your dad, your priest, or some guy on television telling you how to do your shit, then you deserve it." - Frank Zappa
That's what I was doing. And I deserved every miserable day and any thought of doubt that had crossed my mind.
Days went from full-force to a complete lull. I did not adjust well. I went to Italy and got some wordly perspective. And I slept...a lot.
Back Stateside. I was babysitting. And enjoying it. I was lining up waitressing gigs. Because I started on my personal training certification. (right??) J-fizz orchestrated that, and double-teamed it with AnnieO. After I was able to get past my little quarter-life crisis, it was all business. I owe them.
I officially out-did myself on the appeasement front by accepted a full-time job. But I mean, I totally didn't want to become a "loser" by persuing something that I'm passionate about. Seriously...waitressing and nannying to tide me over while I get some traction underway with the PT thing? That 9-5 sure saved me. Can you imagine if I were a beer girl or something??
Surround yourself with people who will support you. Those who know me, they know where I'm going. Learn everything you can from everyone you meet along the way. And when in doubt, give it a "fk you bitches!"
Saw a man today. Mowing the lawn. In a tight football jersey, cut-off jeans (jorts.), and a Buffalo Bills hard hat.
Dude. Seriously?
Every Reader Ever knows that I break for Mark Sanchez. Hard. But I keep my fanfare to a shrine hidden in my closet (Helga-Pataki style). Come on. But then again...
I could definitely go for a man with a belt like that. And hey, if he's wearing that mask? At least his lady would only have to be blindfolded, not blacked out, to let him penetrate her. Relationships are all about compromise.
Since my new co-workers are in their 50s and Blogger is blocked by the New Office (and for a while I didn't even have co-workers, just baby formula and AddictingGames), Cubicle Land is now overwhelmed with my blossoming social life and shit that nobody cares about. Plus, I've been really well-behaved.
Don't worry, I'm not thrilled about it either.
So I've picked up a few drifters to fill the void of cubicle voices, characters, personalities. Yup. Found them at a local dive bar called Thirsty's. They're named PT, my boy T, and Betty (but you all knew Betty from before...ish).
A young lady asked PT out on a mini-date last week. She suggested that they attend a comedy show at the Local University:
YoungLady: Yeah, it'll be like a mini date! PT: ...what's a mini date? YoungLady: We go out, and have fun. But we don't sleep together.
...come on. Not even a blowjob?? Sometimes you gotta put your foot down and insist on a good old fashioned lunch date.
HAHA. I wonder if the best things in life aren't free.
Shut up. This shit is awesome. Almost as good as Bristol Palin's corrective plastic surgery.
I love it. Notice: the "oh shittttttttt" look on his face. Been there?
I mean, hey. Not everyone can knock up a governor's daughter and still cling to the coattails of stardom. Wait til my bestseller hits the shelves. You'll shit.
Don't bother showing up early or buying donuts for the team. Dropping a strategic "BOOM!" in a conference call will rocket you to the top!
Yesterday, I was brainstorming with a few others. After about 20 minutes of hearing "talktalktalk", I just screamed 'BOOM' - and peeled off with a symphony of bullet points and bottom lines.
It shows creativity, or at least a lesser form of Turrets.
Right. By 'extra-large coffee' day, I meant to say 'pick up round two by lunch.'
Today was a lot of paper work. I even had to sign off on who would be the beneficiary for my life insurance. I put my brother and sister down, to split it 50/50.
Then I texted both of them: "If I die. You get my life insurance $. Cool?"
Brother responds: You shouldn't have told me that ;)
Sister responds [separately]: Wonderful! I figured I would get everything but L.I. is cool with me. Do you have a disease or something?
Since neither of them read Cubicle Land, they won't know that they're splitting it. But since I plan on sticking around, it shouldn't really be a problem.
However. Since both of my parents do indeed read Cubicle Land, they will undoubtedly tell both Brother&Sister about this when they're both in town this weekend for Homecoming. (and they will do so because I didn't give them any shares. well bitch, saddle up cuz Lucky's callin' the shots now.)
Oh yeah the Buffalo Bills beat the Patriots in overtime.
Today is one of those days that you get the extra-large coffee. With extra-everything.
Today, I return to Cubicle Land.
With the new hire's agenda in hand, and a deadened look in my eyes, I go forth towards the threshold of my Hell. After having been out of the office for 2 months and 28 days, it's safe to say that my wit is dull and my caffeine tolerance is low. For now.
Pam (we'll just call her...Pam.) was in touch last week. There is a cube ready and waiting for me. This first day will be new hire orientation. It's called 'on-boarding'. This company may actually be legit.
But as they try to sell me on the higher premium benefits and bribe me with free lunch, at least this time I know to take the cheapest package (so I can max out those pay stubs) and to avoid the chicken salad pita (at all costs).
THERE'S THE PROOF - our little bibs with the nice little numbers and everything. For some reason, we are all smiling. Right? There is no better way to spend $50 and a hangover.
But we MADE IT! Thanks to J-fizz, Gracie, and our fine find: Sizzle the sixty-year-old.
Today I was the test victim/dummy for a massage/chiropractor...hereby referred to as Jelly Bean ("Beans" for short.)
Beans instructed me to lose the layers once everyone was out of the room. And then to hop on the table, cover myself with the sheet, and get ready for my shining moment.
Don't fret, they let me keep my sports bra and underwears.
But when someone tells you that you'll be in your skivvies...on a table...in front of three strangers...you shave your legs (immediately!) and pick out your finest undies (carefully!).
Well WTF!!!! That was the Wednesday night dilemma. My gym stuff is gross. Thongs are out. And do people still own granny-panties? I don't. So hopefully the audience didn't mind a few slutty bowties.
WHICH REMINDS ME:
A friend was at the gyno. Every Girl Ever has to give a pee-pee sample at their yearly. So this friend collected her sample in the bathroom, but there was no paper to be found...paper towels, toilet paper, paper mache...nada.
So she reached into her purse and grabbed a quick Kleenex with which to swab. Every Girl Ever has an extra stash for emergencies.
Thinking herself so resourceful, she threw her heels up in the stirrups. Her gyno came in, went in...and came up: "Um, are these yours?"
J-fizz and I have been hardcore training for the Half Marathon. And by that I mean: we walk a lot. Convo can get real intense when you're making strides next to someone for 3 hours at a time. We almost didn't know what to make of this:
so close, yet so far.
Shit! This poor little guy didn't stand a chance. Lesson learned: never pass up dessert or second helpings.
SEE WHAT I DID THERE? Damnit. I have not laughed this hard since JennaMay got the coach's award. For all those random firings at The Office: know that you were not part of the problem...you are the SOLUTION!
How was your long weekend? Did your day off suck because of the prolonged office dread? Thinking about cramming five days' worth of crap into four?
Everyone here in Nanny Land is sending warm wishes - obviously we have just saved your day!! Check out Lil Miss Batman working the mirror...and Mini Superman is cheesing hard core. My hands are full with Little Lady A, kills me with that smile.
This is our way of saying: there is hope after quadrilateral prison.
See where some of Cube Land's finest have ended up...
J-woww - Major upgrades come in studio apartments, an office, a job with a monthly car/gas stipend, and true love (a dog...literally.)
Kid Colby - Living the life out west as a restauranteur and thriving twenty-something, kicking it in the Rockies.
HookerJones - Hooking at an old folks' home...marketing IT UP and hooking the geriatrics IN!
BuckWild - Fresh from the other side! Onward and upward and hey, a month to hang out with me! Until the Department of Labor starts hounding her ace. Bust out the mini umbrellas and make me a bloody mary, betch.
...you know what? It's been a while since I've checked my horoscope.
The Fam road tripped to drop off my brother for Move In Day. In a town that boasts Lane Bryant and Wal-Mart as its two hot spots. On a campus that had a large cross on every building, a church standing as the focal point.
My mother fretted. My father cried. I laughed.
Man! I was scared shitless for college. And I cried like a 13-yr-old girl who got cut from rec softball (wait a minute...). But hey I turned out okay! Only afterward did shit hit the fan.
Ah, youth!
I maintained a healthy distance from the ruins of room arranging. Except for my one contribution:
Cubes. Obviously!
Listen up, undergrads: Rock out the knowledge. Hard.
Here is what it's like to be unemployed, via direct remarks, text messages, and other endearing outlets:
Brother: "Get a f*cking job."
Cousin: "how goes the job hunt"
Mother: "...can you at least pretend to look busy when I'm around?"
Father: "Take care of the lawn for me today, yeah?"
They probably haven't noticed that I've done an excellent job emitting excellence on a daily basis. Do you realize the kind of patience it takes to have your social life start up at 5pm when everyone is finally off-the-clock?? Actually it's less patience, more addictinggames.com.
Haha, although they seem heartless - they are not. You'll find that if/when you are ever 'getting by' on the Dept of Labor's coattails, your safety net is frightfully taught. At first you may have the urge to tangle in the net and, oh, drown them out.
I'll stop acting like my family and friends have made me some skittermark outcast. They've done nothing but shine infinite sunlight on the fragile blades of grass that are my livelihood/career. To which I have nothing but thank yous and empty promises of sending each one of them a heartfelt, hand-written note and some chocolate chip cookies (fresh from the Keebler Kitchen) as soon as the greens start growing.
For now, make do with a virtual glimmer of my soul.
So J-woww killed a mouse with her bare hands...and a sharp blade.
Euthanized the thing, actually. She was crying, the mouse was squealing, and her monstrosity of a dog was bounding around thinking it was play time.
After the massacring, I was onn the phone with her, she stopped to take another call. She came back to my line and said, "That was my mom. She wants to make sure that I boil the knife before I use it again..."
(CNN) -- Widely circulated photos of Cathay Pacific crew
members apparently engaged in a sex act have postponed the launch of an
airline ad campaign.
The slogan: "meet the team who go the extra mile to make you feel special."
[j-fizz, i'm waiting on your one-liner!]
Wow. I am like, totally surprised. There goes the airline industry.
The gall! The nerve! For two, unattached co-workers to bring shame to their bosses and families by bumping uglies...Saddle up Sally, nobody saw this one coming.
But score one for the passengers. I bet Cathay Pacific will let you check 3 bags now. Shout out to all any peeps who have ever flown anywhere. You step off that aircraft and either want a stiff drink, or a stiff one. You are thinking, "Hell YEAH I didn't fall out of the sky! Nope! Not today!"
**secondly. what marketing guru hit up that slogan: 'meet the team who go the extra mile...' - grammar check that shit and put in your resignation. punk.**
Come one, come all and feast on some food for thought! Behold: The House of the Vestal Virgins / strange carvings / Pompeii was covered in 'pre-explosion'.
Vestal Virgins: The high priestess selected six initiates between the ages of six and
10 from Roman patrician families. Physical perfection was an important
criteria. The girls took vows of chastity and served the Cult of Vesta
for 30 years. Vestal priestesses were revered, lived in luxury
and relative independence, and were free from obligations to marry and
rear children.
**WHERE DO I SIGN UP!
strange carvings: everybody up in Ancient Roma was getting their jollies. signified by the 'wall wee-wees' and solicitations. i mean, way to go right?? you're up waiting for your late night text, but those Romans knew right where to go when the mood strikes.
Pompeii: ...no comment. My maturity levels are rivaled by most 12-year-olds. And Chuck E Cheese member cardholders.
This was nothing like the 'fist pump, push up, chapstick' absolutism of Jersery Shore: Italy. This was the family-style, a la carte vacation. Brother, Sister, Gma, and me.
Let's get this straight: I was very well-behaved. Whether this bores, surprises, or impresses you...keep it to yourself. Receiving Communion at the Vatican has really gone to my head.
We arrived first thing on a Friday. Our cousin Merry was supposed to take us around the old country. We arrived to find her in the middle of a very real, somewhat terrifying mental breakdown. It has been like watching circus clowns cage-fighting. You don't know whether to laugh or to cry...but either way you'll have nightmares.
After a paramount hallway spat, when her psyche supernova'd, she was removed from the hotel premises by an ambulance. That's not a joke.
Our hotel faced the beach and from our little balcony. We could see up and down the entire stretch of the coastline. Speckled with little villas and beach houses and stacked apartments - at night the lights would dance on the water and you can see for miles.
Please note:in
Italy, package-watching is not only a sport, but a profession.
Definitely not for the faint of heart. But when most men simply remove
the thin veil of speedo to re-arrange or scratch themselves it does tend
to take away from the thrill of the hunt. (oh yeah, and it all but
ruins the market for spandex - wtf!!)
Think: cultural binge. Everything about the county I just wanted to gobble up. Tasking, right? Won't bore you with the foodstuffs. Basically all you need to know is that I was in competition with myself to eat it all. (ps I won.)
Have we just crossed over into a Second World Country? I go away for 12 days and this is the mess I come home to? The US dollar has been trumped by the Euro, and even Canada's thumped it. Stock market has been a roller coaster (someone died on the Superman Ride of Steel coaster at Darien this summer...too soon??) - and Ahhh'nald Schwarzenegger is wearing ex-wife propaganda.
So - do you think that those t-shirts come in "Merry"???
[Ah, the effortless chic of Rome has done absolutely nothing for my image.]
At any rate. Today was my friend's bridal shower. I was chatting up Grandma, a delicate older woman, who told me that, "diamonds come in small packages...but so does dynamite!"
Well, Grandma. I'm thinking that I want nothing to do with any kind of small packages. But, in this diamond/dynamite case. Figure that either way: it's the thought that counts.
GA-ZINGGGG.
Can't wait to regale you with stories from the old country. Stay tuned.
When life gives you lemons, sometimes you get lucky.
Please. Right now type in "Formia Italy" or "Gaeta Italy" - search images.
don't worry, my grandmother's had this trip in the works since november...i had no idea. i don't even really know when we return. i just kind of started laughing hysterically at this fortune.
This kid is getting the hell out of dodge and the hell back to her roots. I do not intend to keep up with communication. Regrets. But with the most sincere apologies, I only wish that you could all join me. Hey you won't even notice I'm gone. Every once in a while, when you are doing laundry or wondering what you should do on a Friday night [answer: bingo] - let your thoughts wander to the Amalfi Coast where the Shattuck Siblings are crushing it.
Do you think the Pope is a lot shorter in real life?? I'm so ready for confession.
It is a legit service, 100% certified and backed by MasterCard. Like a kiddie cell phone - rechargable and linked to the motherload.
Right????? I showed my father. Against my better judgement, but hey aren't most things?
His response: "Ha, that's retarded." (please don't blame Father...GenX and the Babyboomers are still allowed to say that. Along with fag and oriental.)
I was kicking back in the family room, watching this skateboard competition on ESPN. A BillMyParents.com commercial came on. At first I laughed, wondering how it could already be April Fools Day? Then I spilled summer ale all over my tankini. Shocked.
Just a thought: For every BillMyParents account, there are 9 orientals who just got into an American university. At age 13. On a full scholarship.
If they are even still cutting umbilical chords by the time I have kids, you bet your parents' bottom dollars that they'll be home schooled - that is, until my husband and I can pay their bills for them. Then it's sink or swim! But hey I'm going to Italy on Thursday; so maybe they'll have dual citizenship.
**anyone who graduated high school between 2003 - present is likely to feel enraged, slighted, and bitter after having read this post. there is no support group for you. sorry. it filed chapter 7 bankruptcy. but unofficial meetings are still held every day at your local pub from 4-7pm.**
[[20 minutes later...]]
okay, i can't stop thinking about it.
MY GOD. HOLY CRAP. LINDSAY LOHAN. like i literally cannot stop thinking about this billmyparents.com thing.
because you really learn the value of using a dollar that isn't yours. are you kidding? did helicopter parents just go AWOL? nope, they went fking tandem.
if anyone argues that this will help with the debt crisis and teach smart spending, please don't get within an arm's length of me. your teenagers don't need a debit card mainlining to your bank account. they need a job, a haircut, and a McDonald's visor. STAT.
that whooshing sound you're hearing - if you think it's the sound of all of our economic woes flying away, you're wrong. it's uncle sam's army of guardian angels, getting the hell out of dodge. we're fucked.
then again, if your parents are hanging you monies (ya lucky shit.) - ride that wave. hard. i can't blame you for their stupidity.
J-fizz, Yeeny and I went to Bingo. (bingo bitches can i get a B-4, O-69, holla!)
It really is so much more than dobbing. The first half-hour is a blessing, because that's when we were able to settle into our groove and show Yeeny the ropes. Gotta be pre-pared...bingo is not for the faint of heart.
The room enclosed by windows yeah that's the Big Room. Dob out FreeSpaces first. The monitors show the next ball but you can't technically call your Bingo until the announcer cites it. Don't be alarmed by the caller's fingers. Big Bertha to the right likes to swallow hot dogs whole, slathered in cheese sauce. And Frail Susie has to touch all of her tchotchkes and knicknacks for good luck; she won't be sharing that XXL bag of M&Ms with you so don't even ask.
Then it's dob and chat and people-watch. Last night, after Yeeny's eyes stopped bugging from all of the excitement, we obviously got down to the nitty gritty of embarrassing stories, dog walking, babysitting, and Brazilian waxes.
If you like reading Cubicle Land, I implore you to further explore...
It's a quippy, online commentary from a Brazilian wax technician that will have you turning bright red if you're at your work computer. But then you'll mass email it to everyone so you can gush about the goods at lunch hour. An old cubie of mine still goes to this technician and highly recommends her. And quite frankly, she freaking rocks.
I wonder if she knows anything about Vajazzling...?
Did I tell you that I'm a Harry Potter fan? This is probably a good time to mention that I was also in Girl Scouts until 10th grade.
So a bunch of us went to the final HP premier. The past 12 years of our lives came full circle. Only this time my teeth are straight and I no longer get mistaken for a husky little boy.
You're judging.
WOULD EVERYBODY BE COOL? Cuz I went on a date before the movie; negates all nerd factors of a midnight wizard movie.
I know you're all dying to hear about the movie, but I'm just gonna gush about my date.
I was five minutes late. Which is good it's not too late but not right on time. I mean we are like soooo past that age of like playing games. The waitress seated us outside, presented menus, returned for drink orders. But why bore you with fine details when the night can be summed thusly: I really brought my A-game. Ordered a beer call Doggie Style, mentioned that I currently live with my parents and just lost my job and HEY! I'll be in Italy by next Thursday so if you're thinking of asking me on a 2nd date you better act fast!!
Oh yeah, and the movie ends just like the book does. Five star review.
SERIOUSLY. Where is the nearest circus cuz mama needs her fix.
Google search for "little people" has been politically corrected in the worst way. I don't give a shit about Fisher Price toys. Like come on you're not allowed to regulate the unregulated business of sharing information - that's just not Constitution. What would John Hancock say??
So I brought the dog to my parents' house today. Our family dog does not like that I have brought this new creature inside. Which is probably why I like my family dog. And it's a cardinal rule of mine: don't trust anything that can lick its own crotch. But my family dog hates anything with four legs. And she kind of hates herself (that way, I don't have to!).
(CNN.com) - Covering her face with her long dark hair to avoid television cameras, a Southern California woman accused of cutting off her husband's penis and throwing it into a garbage disposal appeared in an Orange County courtroom Wednesday.
Catherine Kieu Becker, 48, is charged with aggravated mayhem and torture.
Becker told police he "deserved it" when they arrived at the scene after she called 911, the police report said. The couple is going through a divorce.
Haha. Divorce? You don't say.
It's times like these where I need the 5am'ers. J-fizz would be all over this. Hard. (Or in half? Ha.)
I wanna know what this b!tch has lined up for conjugal visits now.
Mostly you hear about exes dangling children over railings or dating someone their child's age...this includes Demi Moore, Mrs. Terry Hogan, Britney Spears. Whitney Houston/Bobby Brown is a whole different level of extraterrestrial mind-scrambling. Fit for a straight jacket.
Becker was just assuming the collateral and doing her own damages. Severe all ties. Questions?
Crazies like this are everywhere. Just be nice to everyone and be thankful that when they go apeshit, it's on the guy who stole their Diet Pepsi from the lounge and not you.
Wrap it before you tap it. And wrap it before someone whacks it off and leaves you with a nub.
((Thank the Google that Jwoww continues to keep me on her email list.))
Text message received, “I’m with P – he says no banging dudes at his house, no parties, and for god’s sake do not feed his dog condoms! Lmao”
Absurd, right? Except that earlier this year I was accused of having sex in another friend’s house following my weekend house/dog sitting....after her parents found the dog choking on a used condom.
Hmmm.
The remnants of the hanky-panky that had taken place during that weekend earlier this year was incidentally from my friend's brother. He had stopped in with his girlfriend. They were both seniors at a local university, they had been out to dinner and needed to grab something from the house.
I returned circa 10:38pm from happy hour, and caught 'em in the act.
Whoops! That'll happen. Call me crazy but I didn't make a big deal about it. The next day, one of the dogs bit me. That little turd. After feeding it, picking up its feces, entertaining it with a damn-ass tennis ball; the bitch drew my blood. I will not stand for that shit.
Naturally, I'm a coward and avoided bringing up either incident to the parents. Until my friend sent me a text on that Tuesday, while I was conveniently out at a work dinner with my boss and co-workers,
"did you have sex at my house."
After my immediate "excuse me." - she explained, "sry my sister found one of the pups choking on a condom it found in the trash. is it urs"
[I mean, in that case...which dog, and did it die??? ...KIDDING]
Took a lot of heat in 2011. Wasn't that nice of me? In case you're wondering, yes I totally blew the brother in. And yeah the dog is still living. woo.
Now just to show a softer, more sympathetic side (must be all the direct sunlight you get outside of The Office walls.) - marvel at these adorable animals:
Let's take a moment to salute this fine young man for taking a stand on something other than politics. And Gen Y has been relying on LeBron James and Lindsey Lohan for too long. Can't get no respect around here!
You think he'll co-star in a YouTube short with me? A viral video should say it all. My weekly letters to that fuh-iiiiiiiine QB must be getting kicked to spam or I mean he probably just hasn't mentioned the urgent nature of our correspondence to the mail man yet (who must be on vacation anyways)...right?
((*lady wood is a special term, courtesy my pal Pat. still struggling with his blog name. help a girl out!!))
The company that pushes an incentive program for referring a valuable, employable prospect, is promoting healthy growth and momentum for the organization; one in line with its corporate culture and drive. This is assuming that the more effective employees will be cultivating potential employees and therefore, opportunity.
It's organic. everybody's doing it.
Reality:
That's all well and good and Business Administration-like. Your professors would be so proud to know that you've followed the business model, cycle and its theories.
Until it's a matter of the company that sees it thusly:
$250 reward for referring a new-hire
$500 reward for ratting out a co-worker, getting them fired
My ethics professors just short-circuited.
Who got the B.S. in Business Admin? How could the education system prepared us for the money vs. morals quandry? (rhymes with laundry.) Did they not know that one day we'd be driven to sheer madness in the pressure cooker of our cubicles, stealing candy from desktops and hoarding K-cups??
Recognize. And remember it all boils down to the same thing. So either hit, get hit, or hit it.
It's been almost a week, and I'm surprised that my inbox wasn't swamped with "where are you" and "sweet nothings". I'll check the spam folder again. And maybe you should like, resend them. Because sometimes those really important and heartfelt emails that you mean to send get kicked to drafts or go amiss, accidentally going where emails go to die (Lady GaGa's fanmailbox?).
But seriously. This is when I need you - NOW, more than ever before. Do it because it's the right thing (and do it because I have Sprint...see??? now you feel really, really bad for me, with all those roaming charges.)
Like, I don't even know who Casey Anthony is. Um. Opting for USA Women's Soccer over One Life to Live?? struggles, I know. WANTED:nUpdates and absurdities on the real world and everyday life.
What has the CE-Yo! been up to really?
Getting a fucking real. tan.
so that my hands don't peel and get splotchy from that fake shit. YA HEARD?
