|RAWR!!!! I pick 'tings up and I put dem down.|
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Friday, May 27, 2011
Thursday, May 26, 2011
A 3.5 mile fun-run with your co-workers. A healthy teambuilding tradition. A chance to show off that contagious, passionate company culture.
Unless you're trying to snuff out your coffee break grudges, stolen opportunities, and shredded faxes. Yeah, there's nothing like growing in the same direction.
Survival of the fittest has nothing to do with sales numbers, bitch.
SoooOOoOooo...let's see who can come up with the most cleverest, cutest, hunky-dorey T-shirt tagline! Right??
((ps. i've noticed the blog's hits have dropped. was it something i said? scratch that. it was definitely something i said.))
Betty with the big guns today. Notch!
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
My friend JGards down in Hoboken has sure lucked out in the cubemate lottery. I'd chum it up with these boobs any day. Sherman has forgiving eyes.
Honestly, we'd take those heartbreakers. Funfetti and I were once the lonely island; just a graham and its cracker. Now they're letting every banshee, hooker, and tooter take over our prime real estate. Warning: do not take any of those homemade peanut butter balls.
Anyone up for some waterbuffalo hunting?
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Youtube videos, iTunes Discovery Downloads, and...friendship. Yeah, friendship is definitely #1.
and sometimes a Hillshire Farms sausage...
While BuckWild and I color, soak up these free childhood memories.
Monday, May 23, 2011
Then again, I'm always caught with my pants on the ground. BuckWild will tell you the shit she sees me creeping on via search bar. Including "royal guard hat" "fat people spandex" "spider bites" "spin the bottle" "doldrums" ...uh huh.
Shit, I'm just like the rest of you crazies.
|"Pejazzling" article, courtesy my boy T (via Barstool)|
|... ... ...|
Spandex. Socks. This is 100% success! And fun for the whole family. Sugar had a steady hand and his Blackberry nearby (fannypack?) - what a tease! This pedaler is on my radar. Hard.
What fun will we find at the Corporate Challenge tomorrow?
Friday, May 20, 2011
[enter that's-what-she-said-quip here]
Get it in line!
Get it in gear!
...just get it in already.
And be quick about it because Big Brother is watching, The Rapture is coming, and Uncle Sam wants you! Let that justify many-an-indiscretion to follow.
P.S. does anybody have binoculars and a bull horn that i can borrow? kthanks.
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Received a phone call from J-fizz just now: "Omg, go to MSN.com. See #3 story of the day? Holy crap. Yeah, you were the first person I thought of! ...do you think they have to draw straws to see who goes where?"
Right? That poor dude in the middle. I'm almost afraid to see what he can do with a banana.
This "you-were-the-first-person-i-thought-of" is not uncommon. Other friends have purchased for me things like: Kama Sutra Silly Bandz and the book, Undateable. In fact, Suga's got a cycling fundraiser coming up for Missing & Exploited Children - and tipped me off on their route this Friday. Spandex and little children!!
Monday, May 16, 2011
Fetti's friend Ernie is on my shit list. Ernie is an avid gym-goer, a college graduate, an overall stud (stalking confirms).
Any self-respecting man needs to know that if you break up with a girl that you've been dating for 3 months, do NOT write your pathetic wimpering words all over your fbook status. It's not hot when you channel your inner Bieber. Do us all a favor: drink yourself senseless and puke on a bum, or set your sights on the Barrel of Monkeys (Dolls?). Like puh-lease stop crying into your pillow before you start biting it. Bottoms up.
OMG thank you Lamebook for the best poem ever. This dude Phillip knows where the status is at. J-fizz, time to step up your game!
Sunday, May 15, 2011
I have this friend. This friend is immune to worldly news. Not even talking about mistaking Obama for Osama, because Fox News does that regularly. I'm talking like, we're not quite ready to break it to her that we have a black president for fear she'll think it's MLK Jr.
Okay okayyyy maybe that's a bit extreme! But I have to admire her for accepting this shortcoming and vowing to fix it. Alas! This friend started to follow CNN on Twitter. Bravo, right?
But when she asks, "So have you heard what's going on in Labia??"
Alls I'm thinking is, "Honey, if it itches. Go see a doctor..."
Then again. Maybe that guy running the International Monetary Fund knows?
AHAHAHAHA, God bless.
Friday, May 13, 2011
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
BOOM! Gotcha. right in the act. don't tell me i've lost my touch.
We may call her "FunFetti" and it mayyyyy-or-may-not be because she just bought a whole can an entire can of Funfetti frosting on lunch.
Can. Spoon. Mouth. NOM!
Respect. Take that jude-ayyyy.
Weird, right? Feels like you're looking at a Khloe/Kim Kardashian photo shoot.
Bristol Palin got corrective jaw surgery for a bone structure that seemed just fine to me. She assured Us Magazine that, "It improved the way I look, but this surgery was necessary for medical reasons...so my jaw and teeth could properly realign...I don't obsess over my face".
That's nice, your jowls were really getting in the way of everyone noticing that overbite.
"Please doc, transform me..." Bristol brought this pic right to her jaw-doctor:
|Before & After??|
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Also. You know that Pippa Middleton jams to that "London Bridges" song when she powders her nose in the morning. Hard. Figure that Prince Harry tugs his boat to the latest Ke$ha hit. With one of the royal guard hats...
Can't wait to see how many printed pics of George Shattuck will be waiting on my desk when I get in today. Let's be clear - despite my affinity for sexual and highly offensive jokes, I'm not actually related to a sex offender. Aight?
Monday, May 9, 2011
Well, you should. Because I'm officially 24 now. Bitches!
So through the looking glass...(or looking through the shot glass)
Assess a 24-yr-old's Saturday night run in with 21-yr-olds. Premise: 24-yr old females celebrating birthday, 21-yr old males having just graduated college...The strapping young gentlemen approached us as we venture for drinks:
Exit stage left.Youngins: so what are you ladies out for tonight.Youngladies: welllll it's somebody's birthday! [points to obnoxious birthday headdress]Youngins: ohhhh. well we just graduated Local Private College today.Youngladies: oh congratulations fellas!Youngins: yeah. we were on the varsity soccer team. *winks*
...Youngladies: wowww that's soooo coooooooooooolllllllll. so you must be in like really great shape.Youngins: yeah so like how old are you turning? twenty....?Youngladies: ...four. twenty-four.Youngins: [look of sheer surprise renders on face]...Youngins: so are you down to have fun tonight or are you just going to be like -Youngladies: oh no no. honey i'm going home with that guy, he's twenty-seven [points over to 'that guy'] yeah, sorry. [but, not really sorry]Youngins: what? i can show you a better time *winks again*Youngladies: aww! you know, you're kind of cute.
(I know, I was kind of thinking the year 24 would include more sirens, handcuffs, documented belligerence or at least some spandex.)
Ahhh you kids keep me young! Like, come on. What did we learn this past year? Act like you don't know.
SIDE NOTE: This blog and its postings are a fundamentally narcissistic extension of my personality, but let this be a shout out to the staple characters of my life. Cuz my stories wouldn't be nearly as amusing if you weren't here to laugh with/at me. And to my partners-in-crime - gotta throw you a hip check, hi-five, hit-and-run. Holla!
Friday, May 6, 2011
|well, this one's for the holiday.|
Thursday, May 5, 2011
FunFetti is batty over mini-scrunchies and side ponytails.
EasyE has literally lost her shit. And is considering Moroccan as the name for her firstborn son...
And by the way, ATeam who the hell have you been talking to for 3-hours. Could have avoided that headache by conferencing them into Taco Thursday.
Furthermore, I's seen that bed up on the 12th floor...Don't tell me that we're not allowed casual Fridays anymore because this company's 'buckling down'. Psh.
Japanese lab invents internet kissing (CNN.com) - A Japanese lab has created a device that may let let you "French kiss" someone over the Internet.UGH. I hate everything about this.
And by "kiss," we mean waggle your tongue on a plastic straw, thereby making another plastic straw waggle remotely on someone else's tongue.
Like, no it's fine I haven't seen you in six months, I'll settle for a digital image of you and swirling a dry piece of plastic around my mouth (or my...errr??). Delete. All I see for the swizzle sticks is ChatRoulette meets "probe-peller" rim jobs.
Disrobe & Probe, Katy Perry style.
GEEEEEZ Japan. I'd rather be licking trees.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
As seen above, this is an example of what you should not be doing when your CEO comes into your cube.
All I ask is you learn from your mistakes!
GET OFF THE TEXT! yeeeee, duly noted.
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
|[insert sausage-fest, hightailing, & squealing puns here]|
Runner's World Daily - Police charged Brett S. Henderson, 35, of St. Paris, Ohio with public indecency and obstructing official business.
Police say Henderson was told to exit the race and get in a police car but he refused, running around an officer and continuing to run in the race.
Eventually, Henderson was instructed to get in a car or he would be Tased. Henderson kept on running and an officer Tased him.WTF is this the RuePaul version of drag-racing? Beat it on another path, pal! HAHAHA - for real, real! He's claiming his shorts kept slipping down.
Um, P.S. no matter how much I run, the shorts never get any looser. Mostly I get in/out of my clothes by spraying PAM or using pliers. Way to ruin it for the rest of us. Race requirements to follow: spandex.
J-fizz and I have actually been working real hard these days on marathon training. And she better keep the trousers secure. Her two golden rules to marathon-ing:
- "no marathon is ever that important to lose your running shorts!"
- "it's hard being the best. whenever i finish first in a tri, gotta take a week off and give someone else a chance at the title."
FML. Get me a red hot and some nacho cheese, STAT!
All welcome EasyE (story to follow) and ATeam (better nickname to come, when she does something stupid/of note)! They are new to the 8th, dropping down from heaven...I mean, floor 11.
EasyE is struggling today. Say hello to passing around another set of illnesses! Usually she's on the coffee but it's not doing the job.
Fetti's ready to slip her some No-Doz, Jessie Spano style.
DANG! Saved By The Bell. Those were the good ol' days.
(FunFetti gets all the cred for the vid/post as long as she stops singing over the cubes..."I'm sooo excited!")
Monday, May 2, 2011
BOOM! Deadspin sports staffers are spinning the Phillies/Mets fans' reactions to the breaking news.
You're not here for my world views, so let's keep it short and sweet...in case you haven't heard, the prince married the princess and the villain is dead (#rochellethestats). Holla!
Ah, it's so correct to be politically incorrect.