Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Moving Day

Drano and Blue Lights.
Yesterday was moving day.
Any questions?

RAWR!!!! I pick 'tings up and I put dem down.

Friday, May 27, 2011

Shut up. So hard.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!  Ohhhh mai gad.  Who remembers the floppy disc??  Twenty-somethings, the floppy disc and the Sony Walkman are your claim to "when I was your age" fame.  Hot DAMN.  Who wants to play Oregon Trail?

Thursday, May 26, 2011

The Corporate Challenge

A 3.5 mile fun-run with your co-workers. A healthy teambuilding tradition. A chance to show off that contagious, passionate company culture.

Unless you're trying to snuff out your coffee break grudges, stolen opportunities, and shredded faxes. Yeah, there's nothing like growing in the same direction.

Survival of the fittest has nothing to do with sales numbers, bitch.

SoooOOoOooo...let's see who can come up with the most cleverest, cutest, hunky-dorey T-shirt tagline! Right??

((ps. i've noticed the blog's hits have dropped. was it something i said? scratch that. it was definitely something i said.))

pied piper meets lady gaga meets michael jackson

Men's Shoe Craze Sweeps Mexico (click and watch.)  gives a whole new meaning to "there's a snake in my boots!"  I honestly cannot think of a better way to narrow it down on a Saturday night.

Betty with the big guns today.  Notch!

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Look what's happened to the neighborhood...



Ugh, in my dreams!! ...or on Dateline NBC's "How to Catch a Predator"...

My friend JGards down in Hoboken has sure lucked out in the cubemate lottery. I'd chum it up with these boobs any day. Sherman has forgiving eyes.

Honestly, we'd take those heartbreakers. Funfetti and I were once the lonely island; just a graham and its cracker. Now they're letting every banshee, hooker, and tooter take over our prime real estate. Warning: do not take any of those homemade peanut butter balls.

Anyone up for some waterbuffalo hunting?

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

There's only a few things in life that are free.

There's only a few things that are free in this life. Except a free lunch. There's no such thing as a free lunch.

Youtube videos, iTunes Discovery Downloads, and...friendship. Yeah, friendship is definitely #1.

and sometimes a Hillshire Farms sausage...

While BuckWild and I color, soak up these free childhood memories.

Monday, May 23, 2011

I like you but you're crazy.

Mostly, people get to Cubicle Land by linking it up on the URL.  Then there's people who search it out.  Thing is, it's all tracked.  So as much as I like, no, LOVE you guys...whoever is searching for "naked land girls" should know that I'm a forever kind of girl.

Then again, I'm always caught with my pants on the ground.  BuckWild will tell you the shit she sees me creeping on via search bar.  Including "royal guard hat" "fat people spandex" "spider bites" "spin the bottle" "doldrums" ...uh huh.

Shit, I'm just like the rest of you crazies.

You were the first person I thought of! PART II

Over the past week, my inbox has been flooded with little "thinking of you" messages.  This is a thank you to all the men in my life who have made me feel so...unique.
"Pejazzling" article, courtesy my boy T (via Barstool)
Aw T!  Most ladies are trying to find their prince to their princess; I'm just looking for the pejazzle to my vajazzle.  He knows me so well.  Right?

... ... ...
Phenomenal.  I won't even admit how many people sent me this link from  But I can't decide if I want glossy or matte finish for the wall mural.

Spandex.  Socks.  This is 100% success!  And fun for the whole family.  Sugar had a steady hand and his Blackberry nearby (fannypack?) - what a tease!  This pedaler is on my radar.  Hard.

What fun will we find at the Corporate Challenge tomorrow?

Friday, May 20, 2011

Get it in...!

[enter that's-what-she-said-quip here]

That's right!

Get it in line!

Get it in gear!

...just get it in already.

And be quick about it because Big Brother is watching, The Rapture is coming, and Uncle Sam wants you!  Let that justify many-an-indiscretion to follow.

P.S. does anybody have binoculars and a bull horn that i can borrow? kthanks.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

You were the first person I thought of!

Received a phone call from J-fizz just now: "Omg, go to See #3 story of the day?  Holy crap.  Yeah, you were the first person I thought of! you think they have to draw straws to see who goes where?"

Right?  That poor dude in the middle.  I'm almost afraid to see what he can do with a banana.

This "you-were-the-first-person-i-thought-of" is not uncommon. Other friends have purchased for me things like: Kama Sutra Silly Bandz and the book, Undateable.  In fact, Suga's got a cycling fundraiser coming up for Missing & Exploited Children - and tipped me off on their route this Friday.  Spandex and little children!!

Monday, May 16, 2011

Poetry in Social Media.

Nothing's worse than pouring out your emotions in a Facebook status. Thank Jeeves that Twitter only allows 140 characters. Seriously.

Fetti's friend Ernie is on my shit list. Ernie is an avid gym-goer, a college graduate, an overall stud (stalking confirms).

Any self-respecting man needs to know that if you break up with a girl that you've been dating for 3 months, do NOT write your pathetic wimpering words all over your fbook status. It's not hot when you channel your inner Bieber. Do us all a favor: drink yourself senseless and puke on a bum, or set your sights on the Barrel of Monkeys (Dolls?). Like puh-lease stop crying into your pillow before you start biting it. Bottoms up.

OMG thank you Lamebook for the best poem ever. This dude Phillip knows where the status is at. J-fizz, time to step up your game!

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Solid gold

Would I lie to you? Absolutely not. I'm a terrible liar. No poker face.

So in all seriousness: Today, I bought that outfit off ebay. (Fetti wants it in 24k gold)

Hell yes we handle your online marketing strategies. Hard.

"So have you heard what's going on in Labia?"


I have this friend. This friend is immune to worldly news. Not even talking about mistaking Obama for Osama, because Fox News does that regularly. I'm talking like, we're not quite ready to break it to her that we have a black president for fear she'll think it's MLK Jr.

Okay okayyyy maybe that's a bit extreme! But I have to admire her for accepting this shortcoming and vowing to fix it. Alas! This friend started to follow CNN on Twitter. Bravo, right?

But when she asks, "So have you heard what's going on in Labia??"

Alls I'm thinking is, "Honey, if it itches. Go see a doctor..."

Then again.  Maybe that guy running the International Monetary Fund knows?

AHAHAHAHA, God bless.

Friday, May 13, 2011

We made it to Friday

[This Virtual Message Was Brought to You by 11th Floor Fella, Scoot.]

oh, ps.  i love this camel so hard.  right?  thanks to my boy t, you can all waste a whole coffee creaming over this.  i mean, well you know what i mean.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Fetti takes it to the face!

BOOM! Gotcha. right in the act. don't tell me i've lost my touch.

We may call her "FunFetti" and it mayyyyy-or-may-not be because she just bought a whole can an entire can of Funfetti frosting on lunch.

Can. Spoon. Mouth. NOM!

Respect. Take that jude-ayyyy.

Corrective jaw surgery looks A LOT like a facelift these days

Weird, right? Feels like you're looking at a Khloe/Kim Kardashian photo shoot.

Bristol Palin got corrective jaw surgery for a bone structure that seemed just fine to me. She assured Us Magazine that, "It improved the way I look, but this surgery was necessary for medical my jaw and teeth could properly realign...I don't obsess over my face".

That's nice, your jowls were really getting in the way of everyone noticing that overbite.

"Please doc, transform me..." Bristol brought this pic right to her jaw-doctor:

Before & After??

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Take this down:

Why does every 17yr old girl look like Taylor Swift or Miley Cyrus? I was at my kid-brother's varsity baseball game last night. The boys of summer under the lights...made me miss high school until I noticed that every tweeny bopper these days looks like mini Hollywood hos. The smell of desperation and TigerBeat was almost too much to bear. Do yourselves a favor and pick up a healthier habit like Friday Night Lights or joy-riding.

Also. You know that Pippa Middleton jams to that "London Bridges" song when she powders her nose in the morning. Hard. Figure that Prince Harry tugs his boat to the latest Ke$ha hit. With one of the royal guard hats...

Can't wait to see how many printed pics of George Shattuck will be waiting on my desk when I get in today. Let's be clear - despite my affinity for sexual and highly offensive jokes, I'm not actually related to a sex offender. Aight?

Monday, May 9, 2011

Notice anything different about me?

Well, you should. Because I'm officially 24 now. Bitches!

So through the looking glass...(or looking through the shot glass)

Assess a 24-yr-old's Saturday night run in with 21-yr-olds. Premise: 24-yr old females celebrating birthday, 21-yr old males having just graduated college...The strapping young gentlemen approached us as we venture for drinks:
Youngins: so what are you ladies out for tonight.
Youngladies: welllll it's somebody's birthday! [points to obnoxious birthday headdress]
Youngins: ohhhh. well we just graduated Local Private College today.
Youngladies: oh congratulations fellas!
Youngins: yeah. we were on the varsity soccer team. *winks*
Youngladies: wowww that's soooo coooooooooooolllllllll. so you must be in like really great shape.
Youngins: yeah so like how old are you turning? twenty....?
Youngladies: ...four. twenty-four.
Youngins: [look of sheer surprise renders on face]
Youngins: so are you down to have fun tonight or are you just going to be like -
Youngladies: oh no no. honey i'm going home with that guy, he's twenty-seven [points over to 'that guy'] yeah, sorry. [but, not really sorry]
Youngins: what? i can show you a better time *winks again*
Youngladies: aww! you know, you're kind of cute.
Exit stage left.

(I know, I was kind of thinking the year 24 would include more sirens, handcuffs, documented belligerence or at least some spandex.)

Ahhh you kids keep me young! Like, come on. What did we learn this past year? Act like you don't know.

SIDE NOTE: This blog and its postings are a fundamentally narcissistic extension of my personality, but let this be a shout out to the staple characters of my life. Cuz my stories wouldn't be nearly as amusing if you weren't here to laugh with/at me. And to my partners-in-crime - gotta throw you a hip check, hi-five, hit-and-run. Holla!

Friday, May 6, 2011

J-woww has really outdone herself this week:

Although out of The Office, J-woww made it a point to bring on the birthday cheer.  Damn it.  I love them all so hard.  Brings me back to the good ol' days.


well, this one's for the holiday.
Ha. that last one gets me every time.  As if we didn't learn anything this past year.

HAHA. Thanks 'jazzlers.

HAHA.  Fkn vajazzlers.  Reno, NV is three time zones and across the continental US.

Is this a sign?  Am I wasting my talents here on east coast time??

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Cinco Me!

BuckWild's a mess from checking over her shoulder all day.

FunFetti is batty over mini-scrunchies and side ponytails.

EasyE has literally lost her shit. And is considering Moroccan as the name for her firstborn son...

And by the way, ATeam who the hell have you been talking to for 3-hours. Could have avoided that headache by conferencing them into Taco Thursday.

Furthermore, I's seen that bed up on the 12th floor...Don't tell me that we're not allowed casual Fridays anymore because this company's 'buckling down'. Psh.

ARRIBA. Bitches.

Pretty sure that nobody wants that app.

Japanese lab invents internet kissing ( - A Japanese lab has created a device that may let let you "French kiss" someone over the Internet.

And by "kiss," we mean waggle your tongue on a plastic straw, thereby making another plastic straw waggle remotely on someone else's tongue.
UGH. I hate everything about this.

Like, no it's fine I haven't seen you in six months, I'll settle for a digital image of you and swirling a dry piece of plastic around my mouth (or my...errr??). Delete. All I see for the swizzle sticks is ChatRoulette meets "probe-peller" rim jobs.

Disrobe & Probe, Katy Perry style.

GEEEEEZ Japan. I'd rather be licking trees.

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Good luck trying to wipe that smile off your face.

Dear CE-Yo!

As seen above, this is an example of what you should not be doing when your CEO comes into your cube.
All I ask is you learn from your mistakes!


GET OFF THE TEXT! yeeeee, duly noted.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Dude streaks at Flying Pig Marathon. Gives new meaning to "sausage-fest"

[insert sausage-fest, hightailing, & squealing puns here]
Runner's World Daily - Police charged Brett S. Henderson, 35, of St. Paris, Ohio with public indecency and obstructing official business.
Police say Henderson was told to exit the race and get in a police car but he refused, running around an officer and continuing to run in the race.
Eventually, Henderson was instructed to get in a car or he would be Tased. Henderson kept on running and an officer Tased him.
WTF is this the RuePaul version of drag-racing? Beat it on another path, pal! HAHAHA - for real, real! He's claiming his shorts kept slipping down.

Um, P.S. no matter how much I run, the shorts never get any looser. Mostly I get in/out of my clothes by spraying PAM or using pliers. Way to ruin it for the rest of us. Race requirements to follow: spandex.

I digress.

J-fizz and I have actually been working real hard these days on marathon training. And she better keep the trousers secure. Her two golden rules to marathon-ing:
  • "no marathon is ever that important to lose your running shorts!"
  • "it's hard being the best. whenever i finish first in a tri, gotta take a week off and give someone else a chance at the title."
Basically, nobody wants to see the pork swords. And what good did his hightailing do? Cuz the winner of the race (34‐year‐old Amy McDonaugh of Irmo, South Carolina, in 2:58:14) LEGALLY. BLIND.

FML. Get me a red hot and some nacho cheese, STAT!

Fetti and I are really glad we don't sit by ourselves anymore.

We've got new friendsssssssss.

All welcome EasyE (story to follow) and ATeam (better nickname to come, when she does something stupid/of note)! They are new to the 8th, dropping down from heaven...I mean, floor 11.

EasyE is struggling today. Say hello to passing around another set of illnesses! Usually she's on the coffee but it's not doing the job.


Fetti's ready to slip her some No-Doz, Jessie Spano style.

DANG! Saved By The Bell. Those were the good ol' days.

(FunFetti gets all the cred for the vid/post as long as she stops singing over the cubes..."I'm sooo excited!")

Monday, May 2, 2011

Perfectly Am'rcan Pasttimes, Perfectly Am'rcan Punchlines.

BOOM!  Deadspin sports staffers are spinning the Phillies/Mets fans' reactions to the breaking news.

You're not here for my world views, so let's keep it short and case you haven't heard, the prince married the princess and the villain is dead (#rochellethestats).  Holla!

Ah, it's so correct to be politically incorrect.

BOOM!  Posted