Friday, December 31, 2010

2010 you were great.

Normally I don't divulge my new years resolution. I have this weird notion, kind of like making a birthday wish when you blow out the candles, that if you tell everyone what you wished for then it won't come true. But it's like really tough to keep it a secret. Like, really tough.

And with a resolution, statistics show that most of us fall right back into old habits anyways. So with that I am proud to tell you that I stuck fast to my 2010 resolution (go me! wi-FIVE* that shit!)

Bell curve destroyer all day.

Since it's NYE 2011 then I guess it's okay to give up the goods. Quite simple: This past year I had resolved to get busy living.

Whaddya say kids. Mischief managed?

Hot damn 2011 you ready??

*my pal spike gets total copywritten patented credit for the 'wi-FIVE' - epic verbiage

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

All I want this week is a GTA... *le sigh*

love it. so hard. right???
Let's all welcome G-babe to our division. Holler at the horizontal move!

Unfortunately Hankins is still in the doghouse, but at least he's got some seniority under his belt. Seriously you need to learn to play the game aka lie better.

On my morning drive, Wednesday morning's drive, the station's personalities were discussing the hook up scene of the work environment. Any work environment. Now, our division is such that it is comparable to the Island of Misfit Toys. Yes, like in the Rudolph claymation.

Ron, you'd totally be the train. Xtreme - airplane, hands down.
Our guys? They're like bros. The gals? Like your lovable sister. A close-knit, dysfunctional and mostly irrational grouping. So this 'scene' from the radio talk show doesn't quite apply. But Weaver, Kane-O, Corkey, J-woww, and now even G-babe, absolutely LOVE to play MFK.

For those of you new to the game of Marry Fnck Kill, one is presented with three choices. Choose one to marry, one to ...*ahem*..., and one that you'd kill. Example: Ashley Greene, Katherine Heigl, Olivia Wilde - and GO!

Lately it's just been up on the Stool. And it's gotta be the knee-jerk reaction. Otherwise it loses all genuine crassness and fickle taste. Sometimes the discussion gets heated.

MFK translates to anything/anyone. One could run through the company directory, per se, and ramble off the most epic of MFKs. Now, when we're talking live humans-slash-co-workers (and all sorts of HR violations), not many cubies are in the mood for nuptials. And killing can get all sorts of messy. Hello liabilities and non-secure emails and documents.

Doesn't make sense to just run through, point and scream "fnck" at random directory photos. Wouldn't want to upset BradDub-ya up on 9. Thus, notion for Totem Pole. I rank and judge all of you anyways. We had this one kid in my high school class. Nice kid, kind of nerdy - the behind the scenes guy but not scheming-to-kill-everyone guy. Anyways. Last day of senior year this epic document starts going around. Nice/nerdy kid went through all 447 of our classmates and typed up EXACTLY what he thought of EVERY single person. Horrendous. Miserable. And nobody was safe. Naturally I got a great report. It was like the burn book in Mean Girls. Like wtf.

So to compare to my game of Totem Pole, check your inbox for the list of screw you (literally?) rankings.

[relax yo. i'm totally not like that. plus i deleted the company directory]

Okay. Some one send me GTAs. Please. If you want to give me one last gift of 2010. And what the eff kind of a year its been. We'll make the magic and posting happen. NOTCH.

If it gets the job done, do it.

Today began with the usual sharing of media and strange news.

Wtf with these idiots trying to smuggle 14lbs of cocaine in Easter eggs.  Uhhh yo, Tanta's Christmas. 

Come on.  Ornament?  Hot cocoa packet?  Not to be blatantly obvious: fake snow? J-woww and I were out of our minds with this.  And J-woww's a Jew.

But thanks to the trusty boarder patrol, who is highly trained to spot such anomalies as Easter eggs under the xmas tree, the perp was caught.

"Obviously two days before Christmas, this defendant didn't expect his trip would end with federal officers conducting an Easter egg hunt," special agent Claude Arnold said in a statement


Sleuth!  Poetic justice!  ...terribly clever... You know Mr. Claude Van Dam is going to be retelling that punchline at every Thanksgiving, MLK Day, Easter, and barbecue for years to come.  Like "har har har, and then you know what  I said to the reporter???"  *cue: wife pouring another glass of red, popping another valium*

On that note.  If you're going to run a covert op - don't fkn get caught.

not without plenty of board games. wtf no coffee??

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

For real, real??


^^^^^best link ever^^^^^

A few minutes of clever prose all in the name of the twenty-something in-between. A chance to boost The Office morale, making light of life without natural light. Chronicling the mayhem and mishaps of the day-to-day. Come ON bro. Shit is funny! yet endearing.

Nope. My laptop blue-screened 3 times before I could get the post up. Fkn sweet. that I have aired my grievances. Shake it off. Business as usual:

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. I know I know. Been hearing in text, gchat, email, in-person enforcer visits to my cube (Nealon.) - posting is slacking! Gearing up the creative juices for the new year, perhaps? Whatever resolution I make for 2011, please note that, statistically speaking it won't be upheld.

hEY! At least I haven't forgotten how to embed a fkn video.

Blink 182 - "All The Small Things" - midgets dropping from the sky. yes.

Monday, December 27, 2010

take this down.

come on! epic day for updates and blog posts...the headlines are killin me.

annnnnd tom brady, along with his slew of pampered pats, stayed in the Hyatt last night. aka directlyyy across from The Office! Xtreme creeped a few pics with his droid of ant-sized t.brady...and corkey iswas no doubt fixing his housekeeping costume for full on creeping. and you thought I was sweet on sanchez...

stranded in our fine city because of the 'winter blizzard' that assaulted the east coast. apparently they were complaining about their stay having been 'garbage' - unless they mean garbage plate (in which case it would have been straight up delicacy) then i take personal offense. be thankful they didnt stick ya'll in downtown Buffalo! for shame. mark sanchez would NEVER act so ungrateful.

other points of interest: get stuck in a mine for 60 days (unhappiest place on earth...) get sent to Disney (happiest place on earth!); hugh hef enaged to a; the 'hello kitty' smart car (as j-woww would say..."i bet its huge in japan. asians love hello kitty it's like rack to them"); 12 wacky winter sports which suprisingly doesn't include liquor ice luging...

ughhh i cannot wait to elaborate. chomping at the bit? it hurts so good.

Friday, December 24, 2010

...have yourself a merry little christmas

My sister received a delivery today - flowers. From her boyfriend. My mother approaches me, "Well are you inviting any visitors over or...?" [well yeah ma, obvi my boyfriend EVAN WILLIAMS, that single barrel s.o.b. will be putting me to bed]

Ha. Ha. Ha. Ho. Ho. Ho. Tanta Kringle and yuletide caroling, sugarplum fairies, to all a good night and all that jazz. Make merry with your loved ones, think dearly of the ones who have passed. And find me over by the eggnog.

May you look around and be overwhelmed with joy - take in every blessing in your life. Cuz while we all bitch about our jobs, the nutso neighbor who always blocks the car in, and getting cut in line at the store...but! at the end of the day it's your family, it's your friends. Yeah dude. That's the good stuff.

Wishing you happiness, good health and cheer; today and every day all throughout the year. Make it count.

...hey megi. miss ya my friend. your card is to be stamped, sitting in my car. stay warm in nyc and know we are missing you!

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Tis the season to be calling

Merry holidays. I'd like to thank Management for another sweet year and for my job. And the heart attack/ulcer yesterday from the "you are all working until 5pm on Thursday and that's final" - so that I could come and and frost a fkn cookie, bank a few leads, and have every single one of our department's uppers ditch out by 9:49am. I totally don't mind since I don't have a family of my own and since you didn't previously promise us a half day in Mondays meeting. Make us think we have to sit on our thumbs for 8 hrs but then somehow decide to relieve us by 1pm. No...we don't think that's nice we actually think it's bipolar and all sorts of illegal. But what do I know about morale and HR violations anyways. Merry Christmas!

Now you're speaking my language

THIS VIDEO!! right on.

...or at least you're speaking every non-verbal-yet-intuitively-invasive form of communication ever. this is fluent twenty-something. and i totally dig it. so hard.

like, buy a donkey? invite your three kings of the orient? AMEN! hahahaha, but wait. only thing: is there an app for that??

side note! the am gym ladies gifted me the most excellent of holiday spirits: whipped. cream. flavored. vodka.

be jealous tanta kringle.
shut the front door now you are totally speaking my language. epic win.

you think it goes well with coffee? jk jk...but. maybe?

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Chalk it up for Tie Down Tuesday

mmmm.  oh sorry?  did you say something?

Happy Holidays from The Office.  Thank the Lord Baby Jesus and the Christmas Miracle that we aren't in retail.

First, decide what kind of day you're having...
EITHER:  a "Miracle" moment [we need to stop crying, and start sweating; we need to quit talking, and start walking]

OR: Asian trackster hates his life so hard and loses his marbles, makes others hate him harder [video courtesy Hanks]

...I LOVE THAT ASIAN KID SO HARD.  However.  True story - on the bus to the Jets game last week, I made them put on Miracle.  No contest, Herb Brooks and his Lake Placid boys get the job done.

Now, who is stealing Christmas?

EITHER:  mad cow Mariah Carey performing-slash-ruining-Christmas-classics in a mini skirt...preggo.  Dime piece or prime rib?  Hmm.

OR:  gerbal Jersey girl Snooki - climbing into the NYE ball in Times Square for it to drop.  Can I get an amen??  Gets her birthday sponsored by Lifestyles, and now she gets to jam out for the 2011 countdown in a bejazzled ball

...Snooki is baller.  Dumb as rocks but girl's got coin.  As for Mariah, fire the wardrobe specialist and photoshop yo'self away from the eggnog.

Not your bar crawl penthouse photoshop...
Un-wrapped Christmas Candies...sans spoon?

Un-wrapped Christmas Candies...con spoon??

...personal preference.  But I'm not trying to get any grubby keyboard paw prints on my M&Ms.  For example.  Hankins thinks he's too cool for the spoon.  But he picks his nose (no judge...okay.  lie - obvi I'm judging).  OM NOM NOM.  Go for the Reeses Bells.

BAM! and that's how it's done.  Now get your last minute shopping done on

XOXOXOXOX - mwwwwwwah!

Monday, December 20, 2010

Corporate America, Surrender the Booty.


haha, that bitch gets me every time.

It's totally awkward blogging from home. Like an out-of-cubicle, supernatural experience sort of thing. UGH and that's a piss poor excuse for an analogy. And not even really an analogy!! SEE?? Your morale is already at a seasonal-depression-type low. Mother effer.

Oh here's one for ya. The New South Beach Diet is all to do I'm not even getting into how much this shouldn't impress anyone within a 5 mile radius of my person.

Thing is. This is the lens in which I view my world, how it makes sense. WTF! Seriously my mom's already decided I'll be nixed from next year's family Christmas card. Where do I belong????? Getting stuck between being prepared for the future and living one day at a time...And in my efforts to maintain a certain sense of pride and dignity without allowing the monotony of daily cube life crushing down on my soul, to reach out by establishing a sense of community and solid footing during a tumultuous time in a twenty-something's timeline (hey, what can I say, I'm a born leader.)'s good to get kicked in the ace. And in my efforts to sustain Cubicle Land, to become a permanent fixture in it is NOT the poetic justice I'm searching for. What a miserable paradox. And we aren't going down without a fight, kiddos!


What you really need to know: listen to what the world is telling you, and take the leap. (or was it: bend over and take it deep?)

...when in doubt...TANTA.



man. alls i got now is Google and debt.

Thursday, December 16, 2010


so does this mean i didn't get employee of the month?

Happy Holidays from a stage 5 clinger.

Happy Holidays from our home to yours!


Mark & Nicole Sanchez.

Cube Chat.

HankinsKane-O, what are you doing for lunch bro?

Kane-O I got things to do.

HankinsWhat, like Christmas shopping?

Kane-ONo.  Your mom called.  Said she needed me to come over and help her with something.

HankinsYeah, Christmas wrapping.

Kane-O ...empty pipes.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

[insert bristol palin DWTS punchline here]


...hahahahahaha. you don't say. it won't even matter what the article says because that headline just made my day.

Chelsea Handler, I want your life.

Chelsea Handler, 50 Cent. Just friends.
There's a lot of speculation about this. This Handler-and-'Fitty thang.

Her Twitter reports: "I don't know why anyone thinks I would ever date a rapper".

Obviously. There are a million reasons why one should not date a rapper. Just Google 'Snoop Dog'.

Is it stupidity or naivity? They're not dating. They're f*&#-ing. The tabloids can get a grip now.

Midget sidekick and dark chocolate treat. Amen! I want that life. So hard.

... sorry dad, i should probably tell you that i'm now a jets fan too.

While you were out.

Corkey.  You missed a lot this morning.  It's only 9:31am, and you've had three cavities filled...but while you were out:

The Phantom is allergic to kiwi.  Yes, kiwi.  No, he did not oversleep.  AND FACEBOOK IS UNBLOCKED! (Actually, it has been since last week...but I was holding out.)

Can the Barstool GTA voting begin?  Thank you.

And some excellent mid-week, morning news.  My inbox (from a secret admirer perhaps???):

annnnnd...I'm the newest addition to the custodial staff.  Somebody get me my mop!

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Dear Santa, All I Want For Christmas is a Set of Tools.

Marky Mark & DanTheMan.
Yes, some tools.  So that I can do work on those spreadsheets (see what I did there?).  Mmmhmm!  And wtf.  Token black kid creepin in the background; them some shifty eyes.  I just want to see him in every picture now, like the Superman/Seinfeld phenomenon.

The Office email system shows nothing new, the file folders on my desk were left undisturbed.  Everything exactly where I left it.  Miss me?

Monday, December 13, 2010

This is my first vacation day in 2 years. It hurts so good.

Today's post comes to you via iTouch a la futon.

From having been locked out of my apt/car on Friday, The Office Holiday party, to New Meadowlands Stadium and the "Sack me, Sanchez" jeering; stay tuned for tomorrow's posts.

Now. More coffee and crashing. I have my feet up, and I'm just staring at the snowfall and the Christmas tree in my neighbors house. Hope they see their dog drinking its water... It's my first paid vacation day and I'm doing absolutely nothing. Please do not disturb.

Friday, December 10, 2010

This Alert is Brought to You by WTF!

Start drinking the Kool Aid. And that's what's up! Suga is shakin it up next Friday. A Christmas surprise at 5am next week. After all, sugar is key to maintaining good health. Mix it in with a tall drink of water.

Giving everyone fair warning of the spandex/fanny packs to come.

We are blowing up your spot. Holla!!

[a J-fizz spoiler alert]


Thursday, December 9, 2010

OMG!!! ...GTA!!

Today's GTA is a 'buy one, get one' type deal. Seemingly innocent.

Then, wham-BAM!

...-a-thank-you-man! Make ya stop drop and roll (somebody call the floor fire marshal).

Who is that fine filer, indeed.

[GTA brought to you by Nealon, as always. Since his "GuessThoseBoobs" submits have been vetoed]

Right on KG!

While hosting the December 3 VH1 "Divas Salute the Troops" concert, the 50-year-old comedian took a jab at Palin, saying that the former "Dancing With the Stars" competitor "is the only contestant in the history of the show to actually gain weight ... She gained, like, 30 pounds a week. I swear to God, it was fantastic. She's like the white Precious." - Kathy Griffin.
Amen. I watched maybe 30 seconds of the "Salute the Troops" rerun on Sunday night, and happened to catch this gleaming moment in KG's career. That shit is hysterical. Sorry if Bristol was expecting a different sort of Hollywood Welcome Wagon. She only got into Dancing with the Stars because she's four years too old for 16-and-Pregnant.

KG was playing nice. Bristol's mother is the redneckin, deer hunting, Russia spotting Sarah Palin. She had a child out of wedlock and her baby daddy was featured in PlayGirl. And she's worried about a D-list star ripping on her double chins.

Celebrities aren't any fun if you don't get throw them under a bus once in a while. I'm not going to feel better about myself if I can't laugh about their saddle bags or see-through, skeletor, drug-induced anorexia.

These wannabe stars need to be more like Snooki. Holler. Bitch is a hot mess, flying her freak flags and taking all the heat. But she is sitting on million$ and million$. So laugh it up, chuckles...and get this. She's going to drop inside the NYE ball in Times Square. Crawl inside it like an effin hamster! Because she wasn't dropped enough as a child?

Bristol better be on par to be the next bearded lady.

Life outside The Office: Really? What's that like?

i digress...
HookerJones Real World Spotlight

Text received:
I was stopped behind a cop car on Monroe while 3 of them had a big black man at gunpoint.
Hahaha, a typical day consists of waking up to the sun shining in my sexcave (minus the sex). Watching a few talk shows. Gym. Dunkin for coffee. Breakfast. Naptime. Then more talk shows then maybe gym again or dinner time. And I've read a few books. Crazy. I'm on my way to my hair appointment then a drug test for my new job.

[later that day...]

And Jerry Springer is so good today. These midget girls are fighting over a skinny tall kid with an orange spray tan.


Wednesday, December 8, 2010

This just in:

**Corkey has kidney stones.  Some teammate.  In the midst of flu season, WHO GETS KIDNEY STONES?  Kane-O is right...we can't catch kidney stones.  How the hell does that get the rest of us out of work??**

This is all you're getting today.

Right on Hanks. This guy. Seriously with this guy hahaha. Fkn HR nightmare 101.

That's all I got today.

**still accepting GTA submits**

also...G-babe texted me earlier: "Tell your mom old navy has sweaters buy one get one this week"

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Food, Friends, and...FUN.

Out of Work? Hit the Party Circuit but Bring Tact - December 6, 2010 2:37 p.m. EST
All I want for Xmas is a job!

According to Consumer Reports, you'll spend an average of 15 hours at holiday gatherings this year. That means plenty of opportunities for networking for a job. The trick is to do it tactfully or don't do it at all.
If you are out of work, you'd be crazy to skip the holiday party scene. You might not feel like going, but put on a tartan plaid tie or a little black dress and get out the door.
Amen to plaid! But who said anything about tact. I don't own that. Neither does Corporate America. The Office is having a real tactful Holiday Party this Friday at the hotel ballroom next door, and we are getting discounted room rates.

Why hell would you want a job around Christmas? So that you can spend the best time of the year with people you pretend to like, and then buy a really expensive gift for your boss that you can't afford? HR wants Toys for Tots, your manager wants $5 for the boss's gift, and Marketing says you can come to the Holiday Brunch only if you pay up. Of course I wanna be on payroll!

With a 9.6% unemployment rate, seems the odds are against you anyways. Just keep banking the UE checks.

Maybe you don't have health insurance and maybe you're rationing oatmeal. Let's face it. The only thing in life that's free is friendship. Maybe you can find a few...benefits in that. Like saving on heat, or some help digging the car out.

Networking indeed. Sounds more like it. This is prime merry-making time.

Twenty-somethings, salud!

what? of course i want to start my day by watching this little dude lip-sync

It must be my skin-tight jeans. Take a chance and DON'T. EVER. LOOK. BACK. Hahahaha holler T.

Also, thanks G-babe for the midget pics from the Syracuse game...look at him go! Get that crowd all riled up. Crazy lil thing.

Monday, December 6, 2010

Cubicle Land Theory: The Employee Mindset Timeline

Every business major ever has seen this scheme before. It's your ECON 101 worst nightmare come to fruition, thanks to the law of diminishing returns. Consider,

...basically. MP traditionally stands for Marginal Product. For Cubicle Land Theory's sake, MP now stands for "marginal point of view". Noted by three phases of output/labor. The timeline itself is trivial, merely representative of the x-factor: checkpoints in your time of employment.

Phase 1 [blue hash]: Something old (or outdated, probably the computer in your cubicle), something new (your job). Something borrowed (time), something blue (the fact that you are so effing happy to be promised a regular paycheck!). You are the rookie with a hunger to prove yourself. These are usually college grads, young twenty-somethings looking for their big break. Maybe it's a thiry-year-old dead beat liar in army boots. Extend! Overachieve! This is great feeling. It's corporate bliss.

You just can't get enough of The Office and free stay late, jam out to "Eye of the Tiger" during your daily commute, and you are practically running from the parking garage every morning just chomping at the bit for another go at the day. Ughhhh. This honeymoon phase hurts soooooo good.

Light a fire under the asses of your new cubemates. They will hate you for approximately three months. Or until the newer hires arrive. Expect to miss out on happy hours and casual Fridays. But try not to stress, they are just breaking you in.

Phase 2 [red circles]: That grind has paid off. You're in the've hit your stride. Had a great review, or two. Been rewarded with a pay raise, maybe got invited to play 18 holes with The Boss. But eff dude you've proven yourself and if you fuck up, they aren't rookie mistakes. The Boss comes down hard on you for a passive closing routine. You've shown up late to a few 8am meetings.

Phase 3 [black zigs]: Noted by the black zig like my soul, black like my screen saver. Now you're starting to become paranoid that The Boss is having your calls recorded. Every miserable joke on "The Office" makes perfect sense and you are waiting at the elevator by 4:59pm daily. Hours drag. And at 2:30pm when you get that '2:30 feeling' actually fall asleep in your cubicle. No worries though because your trusty cubemate Hankin has your back. Wake up at 3pm and play ball toss. This sinking feeling is quelled by a little ray of hope - that every day here could be your last. And cross your fingers that you'll win the 1965 restored Benz at the Holiday Party. Which is way better than any dollar amount. Til you sell it on eBay for a dollar amount...whoops! But this is just a phase. You'll reset to Phase 1 as soon as you're demoted to researching.

The TP technically 'total product'...but for argument's sake, TP will be defined as 'tipping point'. It is the highest point on the graph. TP is the break point between Phase 2 and Phase 3. Sometimes difficult to delineate, but when you snooze your alarm 4 times, forgo make-up, and pick your outfit straight out of the dryer (in the dark), that's a clear indication you've crossed over.

If you have a garage. I hate you. So hard.

The one thing I miss about living at my parents' ...sneaking my lil Honda in the garage before Mom or Dad got home at night. Or occasionally ganking the keys and pulling a swith-er-oo. And then feeling zero remorse when my lil Honda was toasty and not buried under the abominable snowman in the morning. I was thinking about this while I hacked away at the Mount Everest covering my car with a sandcastle shovel at 4am. Then I thought about mailbox baseball.

So if you have a garage. I hated you so hard this morning. You know what??

Finger-flipping cross walk - Spokane, WA
BAM. That's right. Actually, that's eff you. Reminiscent of the BK FU receipt. Watch out walkers and garagers alike. CE-yo! is on a mission, and imma gitchu.

Friday, December 3, 2010

SUNY coming in ForTheWin

New study suggests that a propensity for one-night stands, uncommitted sex could be genetic
BINGHAMTON, NY – So, he or she has cheated on you for the umpteenth time and their only excuse is: “I just can’t help it.” According to researchers at Binghamton University, State University of New York, they may be right. The propensity for infidelity could very well be in their DNA.
Haha, alright kids let's make this quick and dirty (see what I did there?). Apparently the hit-it-and-quit-it urges run in the family. Avoiding all science-type terminology, you can blame the DRD4 gene. Already linked to sensation-seeking behavior such as alcohol use and gambling.

Prime example? Lindsay. Lohan. (don't mock). You know. Little people aka dwarfs/midgets, inherit a genetic growth hormone defects which makes them...little. Therefore, those with genetic conditions should not be made fun of. I mean. HOW WOULD YOU FEEL???

Colleges offer scholarships for everything from Cheese Enthusiasts to Duct Tape Artists. When SUNY starts shelling out coin for the no-strings coitus candidates...the negotiations better include some condoms and cases of Four Lokos. All I'm sayin.

[A$hCa$h, holler for the find!]

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Social Media and Sensory Overload

Recapping the past few days with random tidbits of social media/networking tools.

- @nicole_lilia: Hope the neighbors saw B shoot me up some #H1N1

- text from my boy T: Look up the song jungle fever by chakachas it's playing at thirstys and the title made me think of you it's hilarious [Jungle Fever by Chakachas]

- photo message from J-woww:

"Porch is still awesome in the winter. No wind so I'm warm and able to have some brews after work in the winter :)"
- (OM NOM NOM) coupons! - Leo's Elite Bakery...I used to cruise around The City with a dear friend, back when we were in high school. Our foodie adventures took us to Leo's Elite. And guess what! They've got coupons out for FREE PIE with purchase of any cold cut platter. So. Delish.

- the calm of post-drama violence via Post-It Notes (Hanks/Colby assault) -
examples of The Office petite melodramas. you should see what i write to hankin.
Ahhh. Just another day in Cubicle Land.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

"There is no reason to get up at 5am...more egg nog please!"

Ailene Brown, 28, and Shmeco Thomas, 37, were busted by a TJ Maxx employee as they tucked away FOUR pairs of boots, THREE pairs of jeans, a wallet and some gloves in the creases under their breasts and across their bellies.
'These two were actually concealing them in areas of their body where excess skin was, underneath their, um, chest area, um, and their armpits and things of that nature. [Daily Mail UK]
Oklahoma is killin it today. Stripper at the airport. Fatties lifting goods in their rolls. Shut the front door. I don't know what you think about a pre-holiday detox but it's clearly overrated. In tough economic times like this, somebody give me a hand lifting this back fat. Mama needs a new pair of shoes.

Figure, what's the loss? I'm already up at 3am anyways.

And now, a WTF Ballad...hilarity ensue...
"Twas the night before Black Friday, and all through the store
not a criminal was lurking. Not even a whore.

As the doors opened at 3am,
two black fat chicks arrived
to hide all the loot in their folds of sour cream and chives.

They made out like bandits between each fold
the cop even found some 14k gold!

Their faces are now
all over the news.
Now dey singing the
big fat blues."
Of course it was TJ Maxx...the midgets can't see over the counter.

**J-Fizz gets all the street creds for this post, to the maxx (TJ Maxx...)**

First Snow!

First of December.  First real snow.

And so the monsoon will ice over perfectly by 5pm.

The Office around the holidays won't be politically correct.  I've made sure of that.  Bout to get Chevy Chase up in this cube; brought the big speakers and bitchin' x-mas tunes that you'll be sick of in 20 minutes.  Don't mind the twinkle lights. 

The flyer for the Holiday Party went out yesterday.  Thanks HR.  We get to cut out by 4pm next Friday (but if you opt out, then stay in The Office til 5) - Employees Only...Cash Bar...FUN...A Special Guest Appearance...and the hotel will be offering discounted room rates for the night ;)

Oh yeahhh, let the merry-making begin!

Run and Tell That: Stripper gives TSA the business

Tammy Banovac, clad in undergarments and sitting in a wheelchair, failed to pass the Transportation Security Administration screening process Tuesday when security officers detected traces of nitrates on her wheelchair.

Shut up. Shut up! Watch her sit, turn head, sit more, observe her surroundings - nothing else.

Hahaha suck it TSA.

Thing is: Definitely thought she was holding a sweater or something? Nope! that is a nasty ass lap dog sitting on her bare body and licking it. Gross.

She wasn't allowed through the check point because traces of nitrate were found on her wheelchair. Scan that dust rag of a dog first.

But with a body like that, and a face lift that she paid a pretty penny you think she really wants to melt it off? Unless you figure that her wheelchair is indicative of a long-term debilitation so that her sugar daddy she was lap dancing has done away with her. Then yeah, she definitely wants to make it rain.

Haha that little kid going through security with his mom. Ohhhhhh his poor mom.

And one more thing.

Report: Walmart Customer Attacks 100-Yr-Old Greeter

I blame the government. There is no way that anyone who has been alive for a CENTURY should be working. Never. Aging is my biggest fear, because when I'm some wrinkly, drooling, smelly old bat that's cane-ing my way over to check a customer's cart, I know I'm gonna get pushed over. And obviously I won't sustain the fall. This biddy is planning on going back to work tomorrow. Get her ass some workers' comp!

Why do they keep us locked up in cubes all day, calling out of state customers? Because in person, we youngins would bowl over every Rhonda/Rita/Shaneequa that ever answered the phone. Not age-ist, not sexist; just survival of the fittest.

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

What's the P.C. term for you people?

It's all fun and games until people see a midget....(elf/little person/dwarf)....and immediately think of you.

Don't be mistaken. I do NOT have a sick obsession/fetish. Or maybe that's years of well rehearsed denial. Regardless. Suga made me the happiest girl ever when he spotted the 'elusive black midget' last week:

"elusive black midget"
I love this so hard.

And I probably just made the NAACP's Top 10 Most Wanted list.

Some people get really offended when the subject comes up. The "HOW-WOULD-YOU-FEEL???" reaction followed with screaming in my face. And there's just no winning those debates. Put your politically charged pitchforks down. I'm not saying that anybody shouldn't be allowed to vote or ride the roller coaster.

Coincidentally, Gym Guy got back Stateside, having been in London during the recent Prince William engagement hysteria. He made me the happiest girl ever later last week by bringing me The Independent (a London newspaper, knowing my love for the written word). Gym Guy's exact words where that these tabloids "should sustain your for a few posts."

Center fold story: up and coming microbrewery use Dwarfs and penguins to market their goods and to protest the fact that it's "illegal to serve beer in three-quarter pint glasses in pubs"...

Nick Read driving home BrewDog's campaign for the 2/3 pint, a 300-yr old law
Have you met me?? The girl who dressed in a full banana costume for my final presentation in International Econ Theory on the banana as a commodity?? Right on.

Oh, and BrewDog stouts weigh in at 55% alcohol. Ughhh, don't tease. Gym Guy obviously wants to play matchmaker for CE-yo! and the BrewDog proprietors James Watt/Martin Dickie. Whoever came up with the dwarf idea is clearly my soul mate.

P.S. This am, J-fizz goes "Yo, there's a midget who works at TJ Maxx!"...awesome.

Monday, November 29, 2010

WTF is Cyber Monday??

Was your email just assaulted by any website you ever gave your address to? J Crew, VS, Barnes & Noble, Amazon, JetBlue, Target, Chuck E Cheese...WTF is Cyber Monday?? It's a sensory overload.

Basically the Google Gods just descended from cyberspace to tell me that I never have to take my Black Friday anxiety meds again! Thanksgiving tryptophan comas are A-Okay!

Catching up on all the weekend updates, hitting the K-Cups and now managing all of my holiday shopping via Cyber Monday is going to cut into today's tasking. We are all still coming down from the Indiana Jones/Star Wars holiday marathons. I'm still really confused that it's been 4.5 days since we all last saw each other. Hankin missed me.

Some one please get the memo out to HR and The Management. We can't be expected to work like this.

Annnnnd I just heard about caffeinated popcorn. Where was this during the HP midnight showing?? My roommates are hating that so hard right now :D

Now watch Stephen Colbert give it to Martha Stewart [youtube] - crack whore needs another quaalude.

Thursday, November 25, 2010

not your mom's recipe.

...may you think fondly on the past, look forward to the future, and live purely in the moment...

now everybody gather round for mafia stories and tales of two-sided christmas stockings. cheers.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

om nom nom

G-babe, BuckWild, and DanTheMan
Pumpkin pie. Stuffing sangwiches (with white bread...the kind that sticks to the roof of your mouth, ooey goodness). Cranberry sauce...ew, jk. Turkey. Mashed Potatoes. Repeat. Om Nom Nom.

Welcome to The Office: Holiday Season. Call all you want, ain't nobody gonna answer.

...why are we here today?

***This is your public service announcement, courtesy WTF and Cubicle Land:
Tis the season for turkey trotters.
Any spandex bikers are fair game. Have a safe and Happy Thanksgiving.***

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Hankin's Inbox:

From: Potential Client

To: Hankin

Date: 11-19-2010, 10:09 PM

Thank you for your call today! I am excited about a new and
innovative web site for our association! And I would even be somewhat
interested in some type of personal firm availability for advertising
on the association's web site. If you are offering me a new web site
for my business, then you have not been upfront with me! And I
don't like it one iota!!!!!!! Your Hankins should have told me up
front what he was scheduling. Oh, I shall be waiting for the
appointment I scheduled with Mr. Hankins but he should have given
more information concerning what I would be hit upon. Bring it on
and it had better be good or even excellent.
- Potential Client


Notable and Quotable Points:
  • "I don't like it one iota!!!!!!"
  • "Bring it on and it better be good or even excellent."
Hahahahaha. Sir/Madame, did you feel misled? Were you expecting one thing, and then received another? And finally...what type of quaaludes are you taking?

Welcome to Sales.

BTW, I still heart Hankin.

Isn't it a beautiful day for dialing?

Photo submits - courtesy Miss Marcy
Warning: Thanksgiving marks the start of the merry-making season. Don't expect to focus, do expect to put away the headset because even Jamieson is getting hang ups.

It's about to turn into an HR nightmare. Today was Taco Tuesday at The Office. Tomorrow is Pizza Wednesday. Way to make swooping gastronomical generalizations based on ethnicity. Almost time to deck the walls with 'holiday lights'.

10th Floor is taking it to the next level with their Impromptu Turkey Tack-up. In the spirit of every American ever please notice: Ghetto Turkey is reppin the hood ["Happy Turkey Day Homies"], there's even Gay Turkey [rainbow feathers] - and you know I'm all over that fkn Midget Turkey. Get that bitch into a fryer.


midget turkey!! look at the midget!!

Everybody freak out about TSA full body scans!

Some critics are calling on travelers to declare Wednesday National Opt-Out Day. While organizers declare the intent isn't to slow down traffic, authorities fear that's exactly what would happen if thousands of people demand the search. [CNN]
Come on. National Opt-Out out of your mind? An opt-out would result in a colossal grid lock and everyone would miss their flights, and every stranded traveler would rush to the Hertz counter for rental cars to make it to their holiday destinations, but the influx would wreck the supply/demand scheme and there wouldn't be enough mini vans or sedans. EVERYONE WOULD MISS OUT ON THANKSGIVING! How much more un-American can you get?? The answer: none, none more un-American.

Those 'critics' and 'opt-out enthusiasts' sound like a bunch of communists.

Betty's been to European airports that frisk travelers hard core. Yeek. I'd rather have a scanner see through my clothes than some grimy security guard getting a chubby from feeling up on me...but if I do concede, can they knock a couple bucks off the checked-bag charges? (hey. everybody has their price)

and WHY CAN'T YOU SAY BOMB ON AN AIRPLANE?? - "Meet the Parents"

Now let's get serious. In a follow-up reader email from a rep:


Multisource political news, world news, and entertainment news analysis by

[see their post - click here]

Monday, November 22, 2010

Wake Up and watch Seymour blast Roethlisberger

Nov 11, 2010 ... Big Ben to have easier day: Pittsburgh QB Ben Roethlisberger is going to have an easier time on Sunday of Week 11 against the Raiders. [CBS Sports]
...Yeah?  How'd that prediction pan out?

College co-eds don’t pack a punch like Seymour, eh Big Ben?  He just turns around and it’s ’say good night.’  The Raiders' mind-numbing loss (35-3) is already history.  Give that man the golden glove award.

PS.  AMA Breakthrough Artist goes to Justin Bieber - really America??  UK's bout to step in...

Russell Brand getting ready to slip his boo a Jeffrey.

Friday, November 19, 2010

"I'm like the dog in Sandlot..."

Jamieson: I'm like the dog in Sandlot.

Kane-O: sure you want to make that comparison??

Jamieson: Well I just keep any of the balls that land in my cube -

Colby: Yeah, we got it Jamieson.


Corkey: DAAAA-MON!!

Dude, if you steal something you should give it back. Or at least offer up some reparations. WTF Friday...
X-Treme: Bank CEO #2 of the day...anybody wanna take odds??

Good news though. Hankin said he'd stay my cubemate forever more!

J-woww bringing it home FTW with Salad Hands. Is it 5 yet?

...yeahhh, I just don't see the resemblance.

Fort Worth high school teacher, Jennifer Riojas
Fort Worth Star Telegram - A former Carter Riverside High School teacher was arrested Wednesday on a warrant accusing her of having sex with a 16-year-old student. Jennifer Lee Riojas, 25, taught ninth-grade science until she resigned Oct. 21 during a school district and police investigation, a school spokesman said. She faces a charge of sexual assault of a child under 17. The teen, now 17, told the detective that he was in Riojas’ first-period class as a sophomore in the fall of 2009. After a while, he started spending lunch periods in her classroom. He was on the football team, and she started attending games, according to the affidavit. While he was hospitalized for a sports injury in December 2009, Riojas visited, and they had sex for the first time in his hospital bed, the detective reported. Later, the teen said, they had sex in rooms Riojas rented at hotels near North East Mall. The detective wrote that he was able to confirm that Riojas paid for rooms at a Hurst hotel on Dec. 10, 2009, and on Jan. 28. [courtesy Boston Bar Stool]
Before the daily 'vote on the hottest smokeshow', Colby and Corkey started giving me props. Cube to cube shout outs about me being the sex scandal hottie - I'm like "hell yeah! Wait...what'd I do now???"

And it's because Barstool posted a breaking sex scandal story: 25 yr old science teacher and her 16 yr old student. And...she's got a bun in the oven. Sweeeet.

This hooker is trying to steal my looks.

CE-yo! (and betty)
WTF. bitch we do NOT hit-and-run on minors.

[see original posting on Barstool - straight A's.]

Thursday, November 18, 2010


Colby passed out...
 If you hate the low-budget 5 Hour Energy Commercials, clap your hands.

Corkey how is that 2:30 feeling?  WTF.  Thank God the Red Bull Girls made a personal visit to The Office to save the day!  They could be here stealing the new Office patent but nobody cares because they fkn have Red Bull.  Roll out the red carpet, stat.

I don't want to spit in the gift horse's face (or whatever) but, can we request midgets next time?

*cue trumpets*
Not sure if Red Bull is giving them wiiiiings or scoliosis.  But I don't really care.  Because we're about to shotgun this sh!t.  You're on, Kane-O.

Burger King F-Bom-nom-nom!

F-Bomb Served up at Burger King

Francisco Perez was shocked when he went through a Sacramento drive thru for a cheeseburger and saw the words F*** YOU printed out twice on his bill.

He spent $9.22 on a double Whopper with cheese, onion rings, funnel cake sticks, and a small drink during his late-night food run.[UK News]
HR NIGHTMARE!!!! hahahaha.

Okay, that's awesome. I worked at a fast food establishment for five years. I could barely cash out a $2 transaction. Looks like Armand the Cashier is severely overqualified to have cracked the cash register code. Where was Armand when we were planning our senior prank?

I'm actually more offended that this guy wanted his Double Whopper cut in half. Seriously, wtf is that.

The King was totally calling him out.

btw...what the hell are funnel cake sticks???


Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Get me these guys. Stat.

...vital don't say? Hahaha these dudes are insane!!! And I love it so hard. As if Santa prematurely granted me all of my caffeine dreams under one giant florescent light. Coming in hot...or cold...with 150mg Caffeine (2x redbull®) and tasty like a Vitamin Water (we all know how I love me so VW).

Yup, every thing that every thriving twenty-something ever needed. How else do you expect to fuel your corporate climb?

All you meat heads up on the 9th floor can thank me for this juicy, health-conscious find. Check it out...

Hey guys, are you so pissed right now that Eric Johnson sealed this deal?

Sources confirm to that the singer, 30, became engaged to beau Eric Johnson on Thursday, just days after Us broke the news that her ex-husband, Nick Lachey, popped the question to Vanessa Minnillo, his love of nearly five years. Simpson and Lachey, 37, split in 2005, after three years of marriage. [MSNBC]
So just before she hits age 30, Jessica Simpson gains a fiance. And like thirty bills (yeah, yeah act like you didn’t notice)…at least we know this time it’s true love, right? Because if your guy can watch you slam buckets of  “sorry I don’t eat buffalo” wings til you look like you’ve applied lip plumper to your entire body, then it’s love.  Fa’sho.

Way to become the icon for every uber-feminist ever.  While the rest of us get our gym on at 5am, treat yourself to another muffin top with a tall glass of “my man loves me for my personality”..

I’m all for working with what you got.  But if I have this:

…then you bet your daisy dukes that I’m hustling every. day. on the treadmill until my lungs bleed.

Good thing I don't have that 'problem.'  Who's on for donuts tomorrow?


My mom had a colonoscopy. But I'm not allowed to blog about it...*sigh*