Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Think of it as skipping hand-in-hand through a minefield...or times square.

"Dinner for Schmucks" with Paul Rudd/Steve Carrell

The New! department had a night out on The BossMan. Sometimes Cubicle Land has its perks.

Our tight-knit family of 23 got the VIP treatment for a job well done. Ah, the fruits of our labor! It's the type of occasion that only happens on occasion. It varies from happy hours, to lunches, to fine-dining on a Tuesday night. Spreading enough time between occasions is key to relieving any awkward tension from whoever royally embarrassed themselves on the latest occasion (imagine what the hiatus was like after our cruise...).

It's when we get to plan out a day-to-night outfit and act in our 'off-the-clock' character with The Management. Think of it as skipping hand-in-hand through a minefield. Play safe.

Which begs the question of character. Do we really know the people we sit next to for 8-12 hours each day? WHO, in fact, is the man huddled in his cubicle next to you?? Sorry I meant 'person'...who is the person huddled in their cubicle. That's HR friendly, right?

I digress...Let's peel back some layers:

RonTheIntern - is no longer an intern. but a pillar in the New! department. he's the go-to guy; if you have questions, he's got answers. the peanut to your butter. the Google to your search. i knew he had the spark when i took him under my wing, and now he's blossomed into a full-timer that has been building and keeping this New! department afloat...we re-dub thee: RONBON
RonBon's quiet confidence, hard-earned success was rewarded with applause & recognition last night (which looks great in your wallet). His New! family demanded a speech! Standing up on his chair, addressing the frenzied mass of wine-stained smiles and carpal tunnel fork-holders, he declared:

>> "I've been here almost 7 months - and it's safe to say: I hate you almost as much as I hate my own family."

Simple. Elegant.

FunFetti and I were FLOORED by his panache! Sipping his White Russian only made it easier to adore more. He turned to us, and stated, "You mistake my quietness for shyness; there's a whole other side of me you have no idea about."



Great thing we learned about RonBon today? HE WAS A CAST MEMBER ON JACKASS!

RonBon running through Times Square in nothing but a Speedo!

Wonder what the AP will learn about FunFetti this Friday...

**not suitable for work. or most other situations**

SOOOOoooOOOOooooo. Here's the thing.

I'm absolutely teeming to tell you two juicy, epic, incredibly embarrassing (yet typical-of-me) stories. Each detail is integral to the character of each tale. However! Most details are absolutely not suitable most public viewing. I regret to inform you that these stories have already been written and will not be posted. But who says we can't still have some laughs?

email me if you want the goods. i will honor the most compelling proposals with a personal phone call to recount the incidents.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

definitely amp up those Facebook security settings if you haven't already

So JG receives a Facebook message...
I don't know if you think I'm playing or not. but, I'm not playing, I'm so serious about that, i like to know more about you and keep intuch with you, then maybe one day we can see each other. I'm not that kind of peerson who says something and do something else, because if I want to flirt with people there are a lot of girls. But, i saw your pictures and your profile and i do like it, i didn't see in your profile and your pictures the same that i saw in any other girl in here.
So, i think you are kind and that why i chose talking to you, i feel you are one of a kind, at least for me. I know it's a long message but i want to tell you the truth about what I am looking for, hit me back so we can talk and see what's going to happen. I think you will like me when you know me. I hope you read my message and replay me after that, I'm waiting for your replay. think about it and hit me back.

best regards, Kal flags on that 'replay' there, JG. HAHAHA! Filter that - stat!

Friday, March 25, 2011

I like to start and end my days with a good hooping. Who's got the swag?

Do they have good form?

Can they keep it up?

Do they fight the beat or do they feel the flow?
...extra points for creativity.

Brace yourselves. It's time to get educated...

A long-time theory, courtesy of J-fizz (as she is a long-time fitness connoisseur and has dedicated her life's work to health/wellness). Consider that a male's weight room etiquette, technique, stamina, and form, are directly related to the proportion of satisfaction in their... 'inverse' relationships...aka dudes bone how they build. Ya digg?

HAHAHA! Wait for it: The theory has been tested (and proven?) with some hard hula-hooping facts. That's right. The Hula. Hoop. Theory.

[Now you're all wondering whose kids I babysit and what other kinds of playground games I got up my sleeve. Firstly, you don't know the half of it. And secondly, give me some credit! Gotta start them off with hopscotch before the big league stuff, duh.]

So this morning we got Suga cranking. Actually we got all of 5am to test their twirl with a good hooping. But Suga just had that sway. Then all the sudden BAM! started doing the jam with some serious deep bends; steady and ready and keeping it up. Even calling for extra time on the clock! What a tease, showing up once a week to get his pimp on - I'm just glad I wasn't sharing a spin bike with HilDog...

The Chronicles' Practical Application: DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY WASTED NIGHTS I JUST SAVED YOU for when you're wasted? This is like a sure-fire, foolproof way to have a happy ending to happy hour with your co-workers. Make it worthwhile before you dip too deep in the office pool.

Who cares if you can't see straight by 7pm - a couple swift swings and you'll know if big papa knows how to drop ya! Otherwise, tell him to hike it back up to the belltower with Quasimodo.

And for the fellas on the lookout...something to do with a 'big front yard is nice to look at but there's no groove if those hips don't move,' right? If you don't believe me, there is a Hula Hoop movement dedicated to the hooping lifestyle...

Tell me this chick isn't down for a good whooping:

here's a real treat. a text from J-fizz on the HHT (hula hoop theory) in the 6am class:
J-fizz: Your mama turns tricks hard on the hula! You should see her go lol
Bitch, I got it from my momma.

Better go check out your hula hoop solo - you'll know if you're ready for the circus.

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Forget you...and the elliptical you rode in on!

What a sweet-ace music video.  Cee Lo Green...telling it like it is!

He's the type that'll tell you to go to hell, and you'd walk away smiling say, "Yeah, YEAH!  I think I'll go to hell today.  Thanks Cee!"

Just keeping the 'ass' in 'class'...5am class, that is.  Diesel, this one's for you!  j-fizz fist pump, miss mary holler, and a totty twist hahaha.

BTW I'm giving up my early morning am gym.  EFF ellipticals, FORGET YOU treadmills!  Found all that I need on Google, and won't have to move from my swivel chair.  Ha.  Kidding.  Can we get this hunchback some Nair and a set of stairs?

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Wednesday shake up

New neighbor!!  Scotty is bringing down the hiz-ouse from 11, and parking it next to moi on the 8th.  That sleek physique and them golden locks...ah, but work time is no time for reindeer games.

p.s. news from the outside (courtesy J-woww): Elizabeth Taylor died today.  rest in peace.  if you need a personal day, definitely DO NOT ask the man who was screaming/throwing chairs yesterday.

p.p.s. much delayed news from the outside (courtesy J-fizz, via Suga):  OldSpice Guy and fkn Kathy Griffin?!?!  definitely going to need a separate post for that.  wtf.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

That's Some Dream - Good Old War the story goes on
it's the rule
that we remember
our line...

(betty. with the good beats.)

A "nooner" is a dessert made with pineapple and coconut and fluff! ...right??

I much prefer the noon-to-eight shift.  For some reason, I seem to like people a lot more when I get to lounge around for a few hours and 'kick it' and get other things did before the three-wall-lockdown (especially since quitting coffee; I've been a nightmare moving through molasses.  FunFetti has been worried.)

Cubicle Land Declaration: NOONERS FOR ALL!

Friday, March 18, 2011

This new hookup site for college kids is really creepy

Hahahaha is UChicago serious? Fun should not be going to 'thrive' on an Internet flesh site! There's plenty of other places like: dorm rooms, dorm bathrooms, empty classroom, teacher's lounge, back stairwell, library encyclopedia section, auditorium, broom closet...This serious lack of imagination is disconcerting. I blame Justin Bieber.

((side note: gym pal Scotty B was filling me in on kids getting arrested yesterday for booze in their McShamrock Shakes...hahahaha. now THAT'S classic.))

But hey! Just write up your coital Craiglisting - receive instant notification/gratification - and hopefully soon there will be an app for that. Give it an old-fashioned game of rock/paper/scissors over who's got the cab fare.

This just screams STDs and sexual assault. And what if the dude/chick shows up and there's been some serious false advertising; the last thing you want is a samurai sword and nun chucks killing the mood (no comment.)

When I was in college you actually had to have game. You know...flirt, charm, extra shots of Cuervo. And if you wanted a random, then you waited til last call at the bar, spun around and pointed at the lucky winner. Bingo! If it was slim pickins that night, you flipped through your cell phone on your way back to the dorms looking for a satisfied repeat customer.

I can't even imagine what it was like for my parents. Probably smoke signals, Morse code, or landlines.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

happy st patricks day. get lucky.

even if you're not irish...just go with it.

love to puck

It's better to burn out than to fade away - neil young

In addition to the morning gym ritual (wtf!) I do some late night drag-racing down 490; but mostly I stick to hockey. Love to puck. It's a great group of girls...well, ladies? females ranging from ages 21-65? (at what point do you stop saying "going out with the boys" and make it "going out with the guys/men"...girls/ladies... shit I'm offending everyone now.)

Mostly they think I'm out of my mind anyways because I drive like a maniac and cruise around with a shit-grin on my face and somehow end up in the penalty box.

So Kelty and I were on the bench between shifts at our game last night. As we're chatting, she asked what I did...[insert generic job description, entry-level babble]...she gave a nod. Then asked how old I was.

'Twenty-something...23 to be exact.' She asked how I liked it. And maybe I over-emphasized how much I like being twenty-something...but I mean, it's funnn! There's nobody to answer to, nobody to look after. Obviously I have no clue what I'm doing or where I'm going. But if I don't walk into my apartment until 6:30am on a Friday from a night out - only to shower and show up to work - who the hell is going to stop me?

Well, Kelty had just turned 24. She shrugged a bit to my response, then said what every one of us feels deep down (even if we fake it): "Yeah, I mean it's okay. It's a tough age because you don't know really what you want or like, what you're doing. Now at least we get a little more respect in the professional world 'cuz we're not fresh out of school anymore, but, yeah I dunno."

Shit...right? Life's heavy stuff. But if we're chilling in this in-between, might as well lay back and enjoy the ride, eh? Them chrome pipes.

And then my other twenty-something teammate Cooper says, "If you can't dazzle them with your skills, then baffle them with your bullshit."

Ha. Guess we're all out of our minds.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

I love laughing at the expense of others.


Let this brighten your day.  I'm a Generation Y'er through and through...  Why?  Instant gratification:

How's that for 'eating the job'?
If you know me, you are probably dry-heaving from laughter.  Even if you don't know me, you're tearing.  Any self-respecting twenty-something lady has a skeleton or two in their closet.  My skeletons just happen to be elephants.

S'up Wednesday!

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

(585): Happy St. Patrick's Day. I peed the bed.

Hahahaha what kind of jerk writes something like that???  Day drinking with your co-workers is not something to be taken lightly.  That's all I'm saying.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

How to get fired...

My pal JG was on a conference call yesterday.  They were listing off job transfer areas (and backing it up with stats from the unemployment article posted on - wait for it....CUBICLE LAND!)  Also, JG noted for me...
JG:  i found out the 3 ways to get fired are: 1- drink on the job, 2- screw up your time card, and 3- use the f-bomb
...unless you're Charlie Sheen.  Then it's: 1- come to work coked out/busted up 2 - threaten the masses with a machete 3 - winnnnnnnnnnn.  Different rules for different gods/goddesses I guess.

The Follow-Up Call: when to start stalking.

Consider - a client who has purchased your services. Meaning that the credit card has been charged and you've labored to fill their every need. Collaboration is key in order to produce the best possible outcome. Right?

Then that bitch starts dodging your calls. WTF.

Fetti and I have been tracking down a few slippery little suckers. I don't get it. Why drop dimes and then avoid us? I mean, we're so charming!

Thing is. Their credit cards get run as per the contract.

So now their Rhondas hate us. It goes from "yup thanks for calling!" to "oh yeah I'll tell him you called" to "desk is now covered in post-its from you I think they got the message".

We've assaulted the voicemail inbox:
  • Call 1, cheer&hope: Gooood MORNING Mr. So-and-so! Just wanted to follow-up; we know you are running a tight ship. I have my cell on me at all times so DO NOT hesitate to call me day or night! Look forward to hearing back from you!
  • ...Calls 2-5, grudge: Hi So-and-so. We've been trying to reach you for X number of days. You have my number please get back to me so
  • ...Calls 6-infinity, desperation&heavy breathing: *gasp* HI. *gasp* Please, we need to hear back from you so we can continue working on your account. *gasp* Your final payment will be run *gasp* tomorrow morning. *click*)

Maybe you don't get it but we are crazier than a 13-yr old with Bieber Fever. Like Sandra Bullock as Mary Horowitz straight out of "All About Steve". We've got your pictures, phone numbers, heart-shaped memos/poems written out...

Let's get one thing straight. We creep because we care.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

McDonald's has been's officially: Armageddon

Super Size Me is free on Hulu!!!  J-woww tipped me off last week...Super High Me and All Dogs Go To Heaven are also free, in case you were wondering.

We grew up with Ronald and the Hamburglar and Griamace.  Playplaces and McFlurries.  We wrestled over the Ty Beanie Babies in the kids meals.  Shit got cutthroat.  Not that I ever had the metabolism for it.   

Momma always ran a strict house - if you think there were ever cookies in the cupboards, you are a few fries short of a Happy Meal.  So I watched Super Size Me...vom.  No wonder America's fat.  wtf momma is always right...also vom.

BUT!  According to the Wall Street Journal, Subway had 33,749 restaurants worldwide, compared to McDonald's 32,737...What.

They put out ads on craigslist, "Now Hiring - Part Time Sandwich Artist".  And have opened a location in a church in Buffalo, NY [insert footlong pun here].  So while McD's is still killing it in sales, Subway is planting its health-kicking seeds and waiting for an army of Jareds to start hitting the P90X.  It all makes sense!

All the fatties are getting the doctor's orders to eat better, be active.  So where are they going to turn for a fast meal that still tastes pretty good, has the healthy choice stamp of approval and the spokesman isn't a crackhead clown!  Face it.  The chillun love that stupid clown; but who's got the wallet?

The McDonald's EMPIRE.  And now the falling giant...the cardiac-seizing giant crash coursing the drive thru.  Forget the Mayan predictions and that unrest in the Promised Land.  Now I know we're screwed.

Who's got lunch plans?

Now check out how Pixar has changed the world.  Sweet!

Monday, March 7, 2011

Wake Up! The Economic Outlook SUCKS!

You left your shirt at my place...and I need you to come pick it up before people start to think it's mine.

Thanks BryGuy for brightening my Monday. Who doesn't appreciate this sick sense of humor? I was more disappointed when he said that he doesn't actually own this shirt. Right??

WOW! How about all this recession, depression, budget-shit-the-bed, and you're-never-going-to-resolve-your-student-debt. Face it. Status ho just hit&quit the status quo. Gotta brace ourselves for the oil drilling and stimulus strike out. Time for the prices to drop it, drop it lowwww; or bust. You think Obama wears this under his suits; a little Ammmrcan flag pin fastened to the collar? ZING.

I need this for when my neon sign isn't lit up on my forehead. You know, the one that says "eff off" (props Betty). So I can just walk around and wink at people all day. Imagine the looks you'd get! Hahaha, suckers. I'd never wear that. It would clash with my ass-hat.

But I'm taking orders. Get 'em while they're hot!...they come in three sizes: Skank. MILF. and DTF. Discounts for members if your card's been punched. Don't forget to enter the raffle to win the collector's edition, worn&torn by Lady Gaga.

p.s. Rent Is Too Damn High Guy, Jimmy McMillan - catch him on FoxNews tomorrow. But only if Biggest Loser is a repeat.

Friday, March 4, 2011

Celebrate Employee Appreciation Day...LIKE. A. BOSS.

Do The Lonely Island cuts ever get old? AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAA. Nope!

Talk to corporate and stamp memos alllll day. Like a boss. And then crash into that sun. Hard. Like a boss.

(my boy T - another excellent video)

Thursday, March 3, 2011

hahahaha...Yike Bike! and the corporate lens.

Look at that thing go!!

Consider: If an employee is awarded a Benz for their years/loyalty/enthusiasm...assume it's a VP. (like a 1985 Benz/2010 Company Holiday Party) Otherwise, the rest of us can measure our worth in: Yike Bike. A cube captive's answer to their doubts about job satisfaction (mine better come with a midget.).

i'm expecting big things for national employee appreciation day!...try to act surprised tomorrow.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

As tweeted by AsherRoth.

asherroth It starts with you, it starts with me, it starts with all of us. Let's go. A little hard work and still enough time to smack booty.
ya'll keep on following kim kardashian or lebron james garbage. i'll stick with asher roth. this dude beats out some nasty ballads, and he can twists the tweets with that twenty-something swag.

let that be your wednesday anthem. handle it.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

In the name of Employee Appreciation Day

CONGRATS! To you! And to me. Cuz we are employees!

Employee Appreciation Day isn't actually until Friday (first Friday of March since the year 1955). More like YOU better appreciate YOUR JOB. According to Forbes, yes forbes, if you are a ROC city resident - then your city tied for Second Worst City To Find A America. Better get cozy.

Tied with Buffalo NY (no. comment.); coming up one head-count short of (wait for it).....New Orleans!! The place where you literally shake what your momma gave in order to get a festive string of beads. A city still rebuilding from a hurricane. I mean there's a reason that the last Disney Princess ever was from the bayous. I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT A CRAWDAD IS!

You know what though? There's new breweries opening every other month round these parts. Three Heads, Rogers Brewery, RocCity Brew Co...hmmm. All aboard the loose caboose!