Wednesday, March 31, 2010

The Door of Opportunity

I'm going to give myself a solid pat on the back for a job well done.

First sale in my new department. Holler. It only took 3 effing weeks (aka 3 decades in sales years).

It's time for me to reflect on the past 10months of my post-grad life. The view hasn't changed much. Cube. Computer monitor. Telephone. Although I do feel a new sense of accomplishment, earned a few stripes - and obviously managed a few battle wounds (always remember to tighten the lid on your coffee traveler mug...).

Sales isn't exactly the department that hands out those 'participation trophies' to everyone on the team. You get your nose bloody and earn your spot. Or you get canned.

Admittedly, today got off to a shit-hole start. Nothing to do with Cubicle Land, more like what it represents...

...Twenty-Something Limbo.

Realistically our individual responsibilities at The Office don't amount to pencil shavings. And at home (yes, living with my parents), my contributions include table setting and tub scrubbing. Every time I try to cut loose and live in the fast lane, I get a speeding ticket. No seriously...I have three. If you think I'm getting off my parent's car insurance any time soon - then I'm the freaking Mad Hatter.

So yes the weight of the Corporate World was crushing my soul.

And it turned on a dime. Now I'm spinning the CW on my fingertip like a Globe Trotter.

****In case you were wondering about the palm tree in the cube illustration...

please note that I have a mini-Christmas tree in mine. HookerJones has bamboo. Artist is applauded for accuracy.

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Oops I Did it Again


Ricky Martin is gay.

Firstly, you know your life has taken a dive when you have to come out of the closet in order to re-launch your mediocre music career. But then again B-Spears pops out another baby for every new hit single. There's no 'oops' about her pregnancy promos.
Secondly...people actually thought he was straight? Don't confuse Ricky Martin with Enrique Iglesias; the latin voices of my youth. Poor Weaver's been over in his corner cube, weeping since he heard the news. There go all of his aspirations of a Vida Loca and his faux-hawk.

Monday, March 29, 2010


Instant gratification.

Answer honestly: when was the last time you listened to a voicemail? Opened anything in the mail besides your birthday card?

First of all - voicemails are a waste of time and battery. Chances are, if I missed your call I was probably screening it. My phone will tell me at exactly WHAT time I missed YOUR call - please not another "Hi it's _____ and it's _o'clock I'm on my way to the grocery store and wanted to return your call - call me back."

It's high time the rest of the world woke up from this traditional media ice age. Let the Pony Express become a mythological Pegasus and unicorns. Maybe I'm just sick of getting stacks of payment notices from FedLoan and DirectLoan. But 1) nobody reads mail unless it's a card/letter and B) unless it's my birthday, I don't read cards/letters...because people either text or email me.

Even IMing is a dying dinosaur. Did you know people Skype now? It's video chat. Personally I think it flirts dangerously with a certain intimacy that I save for coffee shop chats and slumber parties. But the girl who throws up in public arenas (ie: airport terminals, Main Street, dorm doorstep, etc) can't exactly preach privacy. At this point I really just don't have the patience to sit down and sign up for yet another "user name" - just one more password that I'm going to forget (so I'll inevitably use the same password that I use for my online banking, and email account, and Lord & Taylor credit card, and PetCo rewards club).

So does that mean I'm falling behind the times? I'm pretty sure my apathy shows how well I fit right in with the GIMME GIMME GIMME generation. Gimme the Skype immediately or don't give it to me at all. My lack of patience totally trumped the need for Skyping. Oh well. Figure that the next best thing is fast on its way down the pipeline (if it's anything like the Willy Wonka TV that allows you to take a chocolate bar out of your television....then BRING IT!).

Friday, March 26, 2010

A Modern Family Moment

Modern Family is on ABC (I think...) on Wednesday nights (of this, I am certain).


Manny, little hispanic boy, was out star gazing with his aging step-father, Jay, and gay middle-aged step-brother, Mitchell. At first Mitchell was up in arms about Manny cutting in on his father-son time with Jay. He has a good bout of pout. Then Jay serves up some humble pie and reveals to Mitchell that lil' Manny wasn't invited to some big party; some kids he thought were his friends thinks he is weird...


If you follow "Modern Family", then you know that Manny's got an old soul - it's like watching your grandfather in a pudgy, pre-pubescent wetback's body [disclaimer: I am 1/5 Mexican. Also - freedom of speech.] Mitchell, is all too familiar with being an outcast. He comforts Manny by saying, "This is the funny thing about growing up. For years and years, everybody's desperately afraid to be different - in any way. And then suddenly, almost overnight everybody wants to be different. And that is where we win."

Case in Point:

Having the courage to spice shit up and go against the grain does pay off. I won't buy into the idea that the kids playing 'Magic: The Gathering' in the corner of the cafeteria really did "win"...everyone knows that Star Wars trumps Magic, Harry Potter and Star Trek any day. We twenty-somethings have to do it every day. We lack the experience, so we have to fall back on funk to move forward.

Every day on Facebook, spastic Tweets, anything that's going to grab ATTENTION - we'll do it. Part of the thrill from binge drinking is the accumulation of outrageous stories. Just the other weekend I outdid my college self by puking on Main Street in my college town...apparently I kept trying to shove my head through the opening in the lid. Thank heavens some one removed the lid so that I could give a good clean show. No shame, no shame.

Here in The Office we call Leads all day; Leads that get a million other calls all day from a million other telemarketers selling them something different, better than the last. I called a Lead today and they were all about telling me how they weren't interested in our product. My last-resort retort rolled off my tongue, "Please? I'll be your best friend!!" It didn't get me the appointment, but at least it got me a laugh.

What did you do today to set yourself apart?

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

google extreme

We find the BEST stuff online...

like how fat people are perpetuating global warming

a 400lb 14-year-old

the best commercial you'll ever watch

and tons of really INTENSE stuff...seriously. Google that shit.

We are the masters of our craft.

Monday, March 22, 2010

Welcome to the U.S.S.A.

Today the House voted in favor of reformed health care...

This matter directly affects any and all cube chumps. Face it, we can all thank Mr. President for driving a stake through the watermarks on our corporate paychecks.
Part of the reason I took a job right out of college was because my parents health insurance axed me the moment I crossed the stage last May. was like 90% of my innocent twenty-something rationale. The other 10% needed cash and a new base from which to launch my local social status [all things and my blossoming popularity having been considered, I probably should have found a better balance].
So I bust my ace and have a job to afford health care that EVERYONE now shares? I'm no better than the guy with no legs who drags himself around the bus stop all day. Now account for my insane debt/student loans and all of the sudden, Stumpy actually has a figurative leg UP on me!

Boxed up all day - developing carpal tunnel at my desk, hitting my head on cube walls, wrapping the phone chord around my neck for 45 hours each week. My blood pressure rivals that of a Biggest Loser contestant. FYI...I'M GONNA NEED ALL THE HEALTH CARE I CAN GET.
We are the true 'little men' of this country. The hard workers that are the driving force of the economy. And since the economy is for shit, what is Washington going to do when we are all out of a job? Take that, Uncle Sam.

Think of us as the waiters/waitresses of America. We wait on the every need of the porky, bloated government who bitches us around with its orders. Our base salary is a pittance. It's good graces, hard work, and professionalism that rake in the tips [aka commission] and keep this country moving forward. How about ya throw a few breaks our way...or we're gonna start spitting in your entree.

Friday, March 19, 2010

Team Bonding

In my cube. There are three beers in my purse.

Actually, there were 12...but I emptied my purse this morning in my car. Apparently missed a few.

Last night J-woww, Hanks and I met up with several department others to cheer on our boys in a rec hockey championship game. They lost. But we put on a good show. Upon arrival, VP handed us his credit card and said, "Beers. Let's get beers," I mean, it's not like he had to strong arm us.

The family-friendly atmosphere got real rough, real quick. Those venti Starbucks cups weren't fooling anyone - filled with Jack/Coke no doubt. I'm really starting to love these people...consider the 12-pack that's now rolling around my Honda Civic a "welcome to the department"

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

The Shamrock Shakes

Twenty-something limbo...

Dilemma: spring FOR the McDonald's Shamrock Shake? or GET the shamrock shakes from a night of Irish Car-bomb binging? It's as if my youth and budding adulthood are colliding, vying for my weak twenty-something willpower.

Poor J-woww had some serious shamrock shakes this morning. Total hot mess.

Even though we are forging ahead in our respective careers, lives, there are plenty of backwards morons to be cautious of...

A Domestic Partnership

So my friend, a twenty-something, entered into a She and her boyfriend decided to be 'outed' for insurance purposes.

HAHAHAHA really?? REALLY!!! I feel like this one-ups ANY of my parent's "when I was your age" stories. Ah, to be young and in love.

Monday, March 15, 2010

Reality TV

If they ['they' as in 'any well-known TV station'] were to pick up a new reality series, Cube Chronicles, they'd be setting up shop in our Office. The success would rival that of the Twilight series.

No contest.

Because here's what it comes down

But who can judge....has anyone seen the updated company directory? Remind me to tell Production, "Oh no you DIDN'T!" The black background just brings out my jaundice skin, gives me bug eyes. The Office directory looks like a database from Monsters, Inc. Yes, I'm at liberty to speak for us all.

Safe to say that there's enough talent on these floors for a hit reality show. The salesboard shows the cast: J-Woww, Xtreme Weave, Corkey, among several others. I have yet to be dubbed in this new department; hopefully it's something sassy.

And to keep the cube walls from closing in, exercise your mind:

Please look at the math below...
They say only people with an IQ 120 and over are able to figure this out.
2 + 3 = 10
7 + 2 = 63
6 + 5 = 66
8 + 4 = 96
9 + 7 =????

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Coming of Age

Words of Wisdom:

"See? Aren't your 20s so much better than your teens? And your 30s will be better than your 20s - and your 40s will be better than your 30s. I don't know what happens when you turn 50 - I'm pretty sure you die." - SharonMurray

How bout that, twenty-somethings? Another 2.5 decades to screw around. Get to it.

skeet skeet!

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Elephants Never Forget

The elephant in the room...there's been something I've been meaning to address. It's just been tough to find the words.

Pod Snack-A-Lot has broken up. There's a feeling in the pit of my stomach - kind of like when the Backstreet Boys went their separate ways., wait. That feeling is hunger, where are my fellow snackers??

So yesterday was weird. Since moving cubes my computer was out of commission for the day - in cube life, that's pretty much an eternity. Solution: temporary relocation...I didn't have my passwords saved, the icons weren't in the right places. Wanna know what? I also hooked up my headset to the receiver plug-in...which made for really awesome one-sided, non-communicative convos.

Perhaps the actual elephant is, more-or-less, the giant ball of stress (aka me). To be frank, an entire bottle of wine (or 4) can't even pacify me. There's nothing like a good crash and burn, and saying "sir" 80 times in one breath, to get you going. You ever have those moments where you just word vomit to the point of confusing the other party, and in turn you confuse yourself? I don't think my humility will ever forgive me for that clusterfuck phone call. Some things are better left unsaid...leave the elephants alone.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Devil Town

Devil Town - Tony Lucca

A parody:

I was calling in a devil town,

Didn't know it was a devil town,

Oh Lord, it really brings me down

'bout the devil town...

All my friends were cold callers

Didn't know they were cold callers,

Turns out I was a cold caller myself

In a devil town...

Ya dig? Since I'm on like my 80th cup of coffee, and since I'm investing in a fancy French-ass hat that the artists wear, the long-neglected Pod 2 is now a place for poetry reading and lyrical interpretation. Please hold your applause, snap your fingers instead.

After a brutal afternoon of phoning southern states, my dignity's been tangled in the phone lines. At least 8 leads that I called, the main contact was dead. You tell me how that's not awkward. Damn devil towns...

Now for my next masterpiece:

I like big CUBES and I cannot lie
You other callers can't deny
That when your manager walks in, to your itty bitty place
Shakes his finger in your face
you're out-STRUNG
and wanna say 'shut up'
cause you notice your call was screened
by the secretary.
I'm zonin' and I can't stop staring
oh, baby I wanna speak with ya
and then convict ya.
My cube mates tried to warn me
but that comp screen
got me dronin.

It's a work in progress. And I'm accepting any/all submissions. Stretch your minds and your dormant creativity.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Greeting from Guam.

Taking a break from my mental vacation to drop a line.

Welcome back, My Homie, from a week in sunny LA.

Did you hear the news? The earthquake that hit Chile, an 8.8 on the Richter, may have jolted enough energy to realign the Earth's axis. Essentially - this could mean fewer tanning hours during the summer months!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Consider it a hip-check from God to help curb the UV ray damages.

Since the only color I get is from fluorescent lighting, can't really complain. Perhaps the VPs could refer us to some of their pre-cruise hot spots...Total Tan? Golden Tans?

Oh's 4:19pm. In approximately 6 minutes I will revert back to comatose, complete my Office responsibilities, and close up shop for the evening.

Thank goodness for gym-time. BuckWild will get her own 8.8 Richter jolt when she goes to her gym and starts running next to "fat-smelly-guy". HookerJones has been high on some energy candies lately, she's already sweating through her cube.

I'll work it on West Commercial with some non-cubicle gym rats, J-fizzle and Scoops (holler, Scoops)...a sixty-minute throw down; enough to revive my neurons and sense of humanity. J-fizzle's got the beats, Oprah updates, and Tiger tales to keep me current - Scoops with the fire to keep me on my toes.

Tic..toc...(cue sound of ocean waves)...

Monday, March 1, 2010

The Lion's Den

It's March 1st...and all I remember is that it comes in like a lion and goes out like a lamb.

This should be some fiercely intimidating, start-your-engines blog post. But it's not.

Cubicle Land is more like a bee hive. And if it's not the buzz of my computer speakers, it's the voicemails I keep getting. Looks like HookerJones and I are holding the hive together - Chi-chetti and C-dawg are MIA. Sandman is coming in late; workin' the west coast.

(yes, new've been dubbed 'Sandman' - own it.)

No thoughts today.