Sunday, July 29, 2012

Closing Time - Part I: We're not Struggling Twenty-somethings Any More

What's life like for a twenty-something?

My parents, aunts, uncles, elders, neighbors, etc. are always good about staying up on what us kids are up to nowadays. Rightfully so - this world is vastly different from theirs.

But spelling things out for them can get tough. Life as a twenty-something can be described in pictures: somewhere in between THIS* and THAT. I mean, don't fall into some pit of despair and don't get too carried away - strive for that happy medium.

When Cubicle Land was a newborn blog almost 3 (*gasp) years ago, I was closer to the "holy sh!t, m*ther fck, gag me with a spoon" stage of twenty-something. That stage is characterized by a lot of freaking out about your future (since the one you had imagined is obliterated by the Real World, federal taxes, and having your parents as roommates). It's an unfortunate existence.

And I'm kind of sick of everyone telling us how to be. Let's get our own agendas, shall we? Auntie Em, we're not struggling twenty-somethings anymore!

Closing Time - Part II: Is there Life after Cubicle Land?

Have we made it? Nah. But we're getting the hang of it.

After college graduation, I had unpacked the last bundle of clothes in my childhood room and stood there to wonder why my expectations of finding a rich husband at college had fallen short. "Where," I wondered, "is my sugar daddy?" My parents, like most of yours, were married between age 22-25.
Wtf is that noise, right??

Let's draw a quick comparison chart:
  • 24 I was single...very - 24 my parents were HITCHED
  • 24 I had just lost my first job - 24 my father had been promoted at his job...sorry, CAREER
  • 24 I had just moved back in with my parents - 24 my parents were already settled in their HOUSE
Now that the obvious has been made more obvious - let's find someone to blame for why we can't have everything we ever wanted. Just kidding.

As this blog sprouted and flourished it afforded me more fun, a better outlet, and numerous (sometimes prosperous) opportunities. Advice moment: find a hobby and go with it, if you can make money doing so then great; but if it does nothing more than make you smile and connect with this world and other people in it, then that's gold and don't let it go.

During that time between 23/24, we kicked more into the twenty-something groove. It's less scary, but sometimes we had to wonder if we were settling. Don't think that. Know that you're enjoying, taking it all, yolo...right? I mean don't literally sit around doing nothing; always move and work towards something - otherwise you WILL get stuck in this vortex. Simply put: Just make sure you know people who've 'made it', and hang out with people who want to 'make it' someday.

At some point in between the THEN and the NOW, we grew up. Cubicle Land is a place that we all know, but we aren't there physically or mentally any more. Trust me...Cubicle Land can be a mentality if you let it...DON'T. I'm just glad that those times, memories, and cracks weren't missed. They'll forever be here on the interwebs.

We have real jobs now. Some even have careers. We're making our marks!

A whole lot of growing up happened and I don't really know when, but it did. Cubicle Land had a purpose - it was to give a voice to the telemarketer, the intern, the entry-level, the first-timer, the newbie. Google 'twenty-something' right now.  There are a LOT of voices out there. We should be so proud.

Closing Time - Part III: The many thanks

So before the final sign off, there are many thanks:

The FWG - for some reason, this blog showed you that I was up to snuff to write for you. I don't question your judgement. I appreciate all of the opportunities. Now that your blog has incidentally started spamming my email address, I can't help but wonder if it's karma for getting too busy to keep up with FWG. For that, I'm sorry. FWG was a good time.

Cubies - hahahahahahahah WTF WERE WE THINKING

Pod Snack-A-Lot - the originals (please refer to the first post ever)

My roommates new and old - bitch sessions, laugh out louds, and stories; let's keep a good thing going.

J-woww - we still send mostly-daily emails with Internet goods, gossip, and anything else that gets us through the day. Forever cube buddies. Thanks for getting me to the bar.

J-fizz - if anyone knows everything it's you. What's that saying...a good friend bails you out of jail; but a true friend is sitting next to you in the cell.  A story has a beginning, a middle, an end; a listener, a teller, a character or two. Thank you for being all of those - and for instigating, jesting, and humoring all/most situations that I end up in.

My parents - you may have been resistant to read the blog; and that's okay. Now sometimes you read without telling me! Sneaky parents, you probably shouldn't be privvy to a lot of these stories. But I think we're on to something great here so remember: everything I am is despite of and because of you. Thanks.

My grandmother - my grandmother is so cool. She texts, Skypes, and knows how to have a cocktail. She has the good grace to put me in my place when I was blogging in haste and remind me that actions have consequences.

The neighbors - thanks for enjoying the stories, and ya know supporting my career.

Gym peeps - for laughing with me, and at me. You've made mornings fun, and give me something to look forward to after a long day under the flourescent light. Thanks for giving me hope that there's life after Cubicle Land...and for the bits of advice and lots of support in life (and now my career). Clearly, I've needed it.

The Office - ah, some formidable years. Hopefully I'll never walk the 8th again, but maybe someday up to the 12th wouldn't be so bad.  The Management could have used some...I dunno...boundaries, legal implications, and/or moral compass. However, there was no better place to start. Really we can only smile because it can only get better than that.

The New Office - you aight. The Office may have jaded me; so pleaseandthankyou for your patience.

Cubies (again) - the reign and times of Cubicle Land are being carried on by Barstool. Get after it:  Barstool Cubicle Chronicles

Is this the end? Yes. For Cubicle Land, it absolutely is. This blog has served its wonderful, frightening purpose.  Since there's still living to do, I'm sure you'll find my latest ventures somewhere in the spin cycle of Google searches.

Or maybe I'll start posting pictures of my meals and bombing Facebook statuses with terrible insights and daily milestones. Yolo.

Final thoughts: Make some stories. And rock it out. Don't be regretful, know that it was exactly what you wanted at the time. People will judge you. Whatever. Now go tell someone because they can probably one-up you and make you feel way better about yourself.  Oh yeah: and when in doubt, put out.

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

On the office communicator

Me: This time last year, I was baking on the Italian Coast. Soaking up the Mediterranean rays.

Andrea: Yes that's depressing to think about...eating amazing food and drinking good wine.

Me: This year I'm planning on staking out the Jets' pre-season camp so I can stalk Tim Tebow. Priorities!

Andrea: lol - at least you're going to NYC soon!

Me: Exactly. To NYC with Tim Tebow!

Monday, July 23, 2012

Destiny's Child in the women's bathroom

To whomever posted the Destiny's Child and Beyonce quotes in the ladies' stalls upstairs: thank you. hard.

After all. It's 11:30 and the club is bumpin'.


Thursday, July 19, 2012

Duckface STFU moment

Hahaha! We've all seen the duckface pics that chicks are putting up these days. J-fizz sent me this very educational post on the duckface and its origin.  Yolo fa'sho sho.  Hahaha, make ya think twice before striking that pose.  Or maybe it seems all too familiar to you...

Ish. Anyways.

So I laughed after seeing that text.  Then I went to my kitchen (crawlspace).

I rummaged. Grabbed the carton of milk and looked around to see if anyone was looking while I drank out of it (nobody was looking. phew.) - right as I took a swig I saw this tacked up on our fridge:

LMAO. Right????? STFU. Hard.

P.S. I dropped the carton of milk. Haha.

US cougar capital caters to mother fckers

This ad is pretty awesome and may possibly be America's saving grace.

Can you imagine driving past that on 490? Hoodrats would be in a 30 car pile-up screaming all that 'well I NEVER...!' and 'OH MY WORD!?'.

Right. "I would never want a younger man to hit on me" said no housewife ever.

That is direct marketing at its finest. A good way to make sure you're reaching your target audience is to completely offend/repel others. I'd respond very well to something like "we got balls" know, for any lacrosse equipment I may need.

Still though, what ever happened to the thrill of the hunt? Just because these broads are mom'd up and coked out doesn't mean that all romance should be cast aside like their fake eyelashes and 6" stilletto at 4am from a weeknight bender. Hopefully those mother fckers can sack up.

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

What 12:30pm means to me (a poem)

*this post was inspired by J-woww

I really have nothing else to say
If you text me, halfway through the day
Declaring: I'm just waking up

Oh. Sorry that you're well-rested
But my patience is getting tested
Because the rest of the working world has been up since dawn.

We've gulped down coffee, eaten several meals
Emailed the hell out of co-workers and convinced ourselves that gremlins are real
(Seriously because everything is missing from the fridge)

Yes. 12:30 pm means I'm knee deep in Corporate waste.

Lunch is from 12 to 1
Were you under the impression that I could scoot out for some fun?

I'm debating a 20minute nap, trying to drag my ass through the next four hours at my desk.


Is that some sick joke? Waking up after noon?? That's when I go for a midday cruise and a motivational pep talk (from self) to scrape through the remainder of the calendar's events. Wtf.

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Thoughts in passing

Passed a woman who was leaving the bathroom.

She was carrying a book, a pack of cigarettes, and a banana.

Plenty of thoughts ...but no words.

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

I do have a life. I think?

I don't know. Sometimes I wonder...

My good friend from high school, Becca, has a good friend from college, Kate. Kate currently lives in NYC with her fiance and a theee-legged cat, Dilly (silly Dilly).

Kate has been blogging about her life after college. Google her blog: Ummm now what

I love creeping on Kate's life. Her notions are amusing, writings are witty. It got me to thinking: does any shit in this blog even make sense?

Right?? Of course not. Office stuff has zero continuity because it's mostly derogatory and of I said what I really meant then I wouldn't have an office to bitch about. Plus it's tough to keep nicknames straight.

Gym stuff has its own blog and flava. My life otherwise is boring...HAHA that's a lie. It's not boring. Just mostly inappropriate considering that my parents and other authority figures have been known to read Cubicle Land.

No. My childhood was boring. vanilla. bland. Ick.

Now. The first thing out of my mouth in the morning is the dirtiest thing that I did last night.

Since writing that down is kind of frowned upon (discretion is not my forte.) and since I find other people to be far more interesting, this blogging is mostly sly and underhanded. It's dark. See!? Even the black background is dark and heavy!

It's dark, in hopes that society will lighten up (so totally 1984-George-Orwell of me.)

There's a reason for the psychosis.  So now it's time to play the ol' Blame Game. I blame: Obama (duh). I blame: women who breastfeed 3yr olds (seriously you're liberal enough to have tit fits over that and, now that you've got kids, can't remember that you used to bend and snap like any other ho??) I blame: your mom (I'd blame mine but she takes the brunt of most of my blames already.)

Shark attack.

On Wednesdays, we wear pink.

Let's thank the Interns for this new weekly ritual, courtesy of Mean Girls. I kind of like it...APPROVED.

Btw. Butter is not a carb.

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Reminder: this is 1910

Email received:

Ladies, It was brought to my attention that shorts and short skirts are not adhering to the corporate dress code. I appreciate your efforts to be compliant at all times.


HAHA. Wait. Seriously? I'd have to hike this thing up a mile to get any real work done in it.

Looks like Mock Turtleneck Friday is now every day that ends in -day.

Also. The Intern and I are wearing the same pink button down blouse. Except he's a he.

Thursday, June 7, 2012

America is about to beat obesity with glazed donut vodka.

Glazed donut vodka. All's I gotta is: wow.

Kirstie Alley is about to turn her back-fat on Jenny Craig in 3, 2, 1...

The MSN article boasts full flavor and fewer calories than [get this]: an actual glazed donut.

Next time the secretaries order Friday morning pastries, you bet your thunder thighs that I'm demanding the vodka version.

Wonder where this will fit on Michelle Obama's new food wheel...and AA's 12 steps.

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

Epic passive aggressive bathroom note

AshCash hit me up from downtown Cubicle Land with this message.

Word up to the Public Service announcer! That is like a federal offense at the office.

...along with clipping your toenails at your desk.

vom. everywhere.

Wednesday, May 30, 2012

The first time you see your old boss

Hopefully, you never get fired.

But 93% of the workforce will get canned, pink-slipped, cut loose at some point (totally made up that statistic).

Last year I had a miserable parting of ways that was dragged out over a month's time. The chick I was working with ended up being a two-faced bitch (but knowing that her ass is comparable to a vat of jello makes me feel better).

So I was 'let go'. And my VP, the one who make the cut, couldn't even do the work himself.

And I saw him last week for the first time...while I was on a first date. Yes, we were seated right next to that swine.

That's my life. LAUGH IT UP, CHUCKLES.

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Fifty Shades of Grey = Fifty Shades of Awesome.

Did y'all see the SNL skit for this juicy contraband??? I identify with the momma in the laundry room...

Hell yeah!  Fifty Shades of Grey.  Every girl ever is reading it.

And. Apparently that includes my grandmother.

I called Gma last week and she kept me company on my lunchtime drive. Told her I won a Kindle Fire. She starts up, "Oh my friend told me about a series to download - and Nicole, do not download it. She told me it was about a young girl who meets and older man and teaches her all about love..! It's NOTHING LIKE THAT."

Haha!  Aw geez whiz Gma, that's Fifty Shades of Grey and every girl ever is reading it. It's about REAL love. I've had it downloaded and been workin those pages for months.

So Gma goes on, "Well I usually hate trilogies I don't know why they can't finish things in one book - why does it have to drag on?  It's just a waste of time and money but...I think I'm going to finish this series."

Ha. Act like you didn't want to, Gma.

Remember friends, get the e-version if you can.  Or be like my friend who sent her 10-yr-old son into Barnes & Noble to ask for the print version...hayyyy!

Rhonda's coming to the office to sell popcorn for the fundraiser

Get ready for this one:

Sitting, freezing in my poled cubicle, I overheard some of the Executive Assistants (EAs) chit-chatting.

My attention was had at "Rhonda's coming to the office to sell popcorn for the fundraiser tomorrow."

I. Must. Meet. Rhonda.

To make Jwoww jealous, I hit her with that text.
Jill: Of course she is.  Her son's a boyscout.  Did her husband with nerdy glasses want to help be the troop leader to?

Me: Visual - their family photo for the holidays...or wait. Do you think they do one of those long letters where it's like 'Johnny grew 4 inches and now plays the french horn! He is growing up so fast'

Jill: If she's fat then no letter just a 'kids only' shot hahaha she'd be too lazy for a letter but if she's medium sized ya never know cuz little Ashley almost making the cheerleading team but cut at the last minute would be important for Aunt Louise in Memphis to know.
Damn it. Love this game. So hard.

Play more of people's lives with me next week with: Dan Dan the Maintenance Man.

Sunday, May 13, 2012

When I was 24 ... (this is where i reminisce and air the dirty laundry)

If you're wondering about the mini washing machine and giant cupcake (with naughty sprinkles)...then wtf have you been? Seriously.

J-fizz had the funnies for my big day: I went from a complete-mess-of-a-24-year-old to a still-slightly-out-of-my-mind-25-year-old.

Now I get to impart some stuff on those youngins; stuff that I've learned over the year.

Here's some really awkward, vague, reflective wisdom:
  • Neglect social graces and opt for no strings
  • Get fired.
  • Children. If you don't have some of your own, find someone else's. Share stories with them, laugh with them, play with them, and teach them something (even if it's how to 'drop it low'). You won't regret it.
  • Hit up Bingo on a Friday night. Instant self-esteem boost.
  • Try dating. Then snap out of it.
  • Light up a few cigars.
  • Sift through your people. Keep the good ones. The ones who know your shit when you can't...and bail you out when you lock yourself out of: your house, their house, their parent's house when you're dogsitting ...
The birthday celebrations lasted for 4 days. I have some pretty awesome people to thank for it.

Saturday, April 28, 2012

Is this the end? Eff no.

Can't a girl catch a break for like a month?

Since I've been all moved in to my big kid apartment, wi-fi and personal time haven't had a chance to coincide.  Had to break in the new diggs.

But there have been a few "yo wtf are you." and "i keep reading about the same damn psychic visit." - all's I gotta say is: don't you people have day jobs????


And on that note, my cube got moved.  My new cube has a very large pole - directly in the middle of it...we'll call it 'poetic justice'. 


(i'm back...i'm love it.)

Friday, March 30, 2012

There is always time for Psychic Time

When your psychic lives 5 houses down from Donuts Delight, you've hit the jackpot (or crackpot).

The Trifecta made moves today.  And it was legitttttttttttttt.  Like, WHUT.

I have my reading on a - get this: CASSETTE TAPE.  Rock on.  My first cassette tape was Spice Girls.  SO TELL ME WHACCHU WANT whacchu really, really wannnt.  And my neighborhood girls and I would flip and switch from Side A to Side B all day.

Now my future is spun and I can't find a fkn player.  Tell ya one thing, though:  Apparently I have a rebel energy.

But hey, J-fizz is a cowgirl.  YEE HAW.

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Hey Suga - I'm callin you out.

Uh huhhh, that's right.

The Jets' 2012-13 season is a Mark Sanchez, Tim Tebow tug-of-war.  Right now it's anyone's field.  And as long as I'm still playing the field, the gloves are off and I'm taking no prisoners.

Haha!  Admit it: you miss us.  In the spirit of spring and Spandex season, don't you think its about time you stopped by for a visit? a spin? a story or two?

Monday, March 19, 2012

Tebow to NY Jets; Game over ladies

I'm not really a big city girl.  But in the past 48-hours, I don't see any reason why I shouldn't move to The Big Apple.  Seriously.

Reason #1 - ROC's bachelor auction (view ROC's most eligible here).  No comment.


UmmmMMMmMmMmmmM - touch down hail mary - just put it in me!  Tim Tebow and Mark Sanchez with the green and white flair...mama like!

Shit.  I seriously just finished packing my finest linens, undergarments, and threw out every single piece of Yankees wear that I own.  That's right.  Operation: Cheerleader on Espresso is in full force.  In like 2 hours I'm going to morph into that starving tiger you see at the zoo - pacing back and forth, licking my chops and staring at that ice cream cone in your hand.  Except it's a whole-lotta man banana split - with a cherry on top.

opefully I'll be at the Brooklyn Zoo by then and at least within the same voting district as my Good Angel, Bad Angel tag team.

Who knew that Christmas also came on March 19th?  Oh Lord, sweet Baby Jesus.  The boys of summer can beat it because I just wanna get sacked by the Jets.  Hayyy.

(thanks j-fizz for keeping up on the football times and espn.)

Friday, March 9, 2012

Why watch the Bachelor when you've got Craigslist?

I mean, this guy seems pretty legit.


I figured that I couldn't pass up this opportunity...but was my search too good to be true?  Had to reach out to my Good Angel, J-fizz. Her response:

"seriously?! so what he is really saying is, "i have a man-gina, i like long walks on the beach, the smell of cinnamon scones, earl gray tea, and long talks after you beating the shit outta me in the sack!" sounds like a real catch! wtf"'re saying no?  He had me at queen size bed...

Thursday, March 8, 2012


Do you have a cube life story that reflects your unique experience in Cubicle Land? That's great! Please refrain from sending it to be posted.  Because my cubicle land is, unfortunately, exactly like your cubicle land.

In fact.  You have an overbearing supervisor just like mine.  And you also have a Gail...a Gail who has been on the phone with about 80 auto body chop shops (and Pontillo's for lunch...).  Yes. She's been working the lines since 8:13am.  Hard.  And she will not rest until her Hyundai Sonata - with the broken fuel pump - has been fixed for an affordable price.

I alerted the former cube kids.  Without a pause, J-woww knew exactly who 'Gail' was: "Gail would have a Hyundai Sonata. Let me guess.  She has a short dyke hair cut but it's okay cuz she's a mom? Could probably use some deep conditioning...she loves the chain restaurants where kids eat free but Applebee's is her favorite because she can have a chardonnay (and a frozen lemonade when it's girls' night)."

You also have a Jan working the front desk.  If she gives you lip for returned Express Mail envelopes, just tell her that sleeping on your back reduces wrinkles (thanks J-fizz).


Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Yeah, so what??

So what if our parents left us with a shitty economy? So what if gas is over $4 per gallon? So what if you're still living at home? So what if they got Madonna when she peaked?

Our parents' generation totally screwed us! But it's all good, I swear. Because we are making pills to prolong their lives so they have no coice but to sweat out this shit storm with us.  Suckers!

Thursday, March 1, 2012

New Tapper Wrapper: "where did you wear it"

May I have your attention please! There is a new condom that let's you check in online, then rate the experience.  This is a legit promo from Planned Parenthood, and it's an article you absolutely must read. Excuse me while I clean up the coffee that was spilled all over my two keyboards in pure, utter awe.

I mean. I'm really more of an under the radar, on top of the dryer, forever kind of girl.

The "Where Did You Wear It" wrappers have QR codes (those strange maze-looking squares you now see on everything...newsflash: it's communism.) - so scan it with your smartphone and your business is all over the World Wide Web!

Hot damn!!!!!  People are really that dumb! This is absolutely fan-fkn-tastic. A total of 55,000 were distributed and shit's about to get hot and heavy - and not fertilized!  My mind is racing:

Where AREN'T you gonna break it down?  Does the laundry room have a Google Maps location? What happens if it breaks? What happens if it sucks? Can you upload photos? Who came first (the chicken, or the egg, duh)? Is it strictly a 'one-time use' thing? Are there time stamps? Awards for multiple...updates?

And how many licks does it actually take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?

Ughhhh. Thank you Planned Parenthood for crushing any doubt I ever had in social media and Smartphones to ruin the thrill of a shotgun lunch date.  Eff the wrappers - if we're about to get down to business and you're busy whipping out your phone and not your (ish) on tweeting someone else's twitter.

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

why is heidi klum a success story?

How do you feel about Heidi Klum giving advice on how to succeed in business?

Did she ever spend time in a cubicle? Thanks a lot,, tell me one more time that I should be doing 'something I love' and 'be passionate about what I do'.  But I'm like totally loving this ergonomically detrimental swivel chair and dual-screen migraine action so keep your entrepreneurial nuggets to yourself.  I'd rather hit up Khloe Kardashian for the best cardio workout (ps she and Lamar broke their sex swing. Google that shit.)

Lick it, World Wide Web. I'm over you.

Monday, February 20, 2012

Celebrate Politically Incorrect Monday in Cubicle Land

Ghetto Hikes (click here) was shared by a cube colleague and I absolutely can't get enough!  A dude who works with inner-cities, taking them through the great outdoors and they say some hysterical shit.

Kids call it like it is.  I do a kids Bible group on Sundays (right? just full of surprises).  One kid looked up at my friend and asked her, "Do you have a baby in your belly?"  Point. Blank. She said no, asking why he thought that.  His response: "Then why does your belly stick out?" I mean...I laughed.

Although if that were me, I'd cry.  Well...first I'd run to RiteAid. Yee...and then I'd cry.

But since we are celebrating Politically Incorrect Monday here in Cubicle Land, here is a fresh funny from my girl JV that she used to win he comedy competition last night:

"And as it's written in the Bible. God descended. He took the black men, and the Asian men.  And said to them: you can either have jobs, or you can have d*cks..." - I think we know how that story ended.  HAYYYY!

Sunday, February 19, 2012

"Hanging photos is one step closer to permanance"

I remember the thrill of cubicle land.  The newness, the excitement, the feeling of having purpose, and thinking that people depend on you.  That's right!  My internship gave me the pomp and circumstance that no A+, no Girl Scout award had EVER given me.  In my little 4x4 world, the very success of The Office was dependent upon my color-coded spreadsheets (and I even encoded the pages with passwords.  suckas.) - I knew that place like the inside of my refrigerator!  That's called 'Office Think'.  And it's like team spirit for Staples.  Offices count on it, because it makes you feel like you should work 12 hr days and give up your weekends.  Newsflash: you're replaceable.

So I was hard-pressed to rain on my friend's parade.  She forwarded everyone her new cube set up. And here was the thread to follow:
Scooter: Hanging pictures and other decorations is one step closer to permanence....

Me:  You just had to say it, Scooter...
It's true though.
Rule of thumb - only bring personal items that, in total, will fit securely into a ziploc baggie in case of emergency and/or great escape. As if to say 'i don't plan on sticking around'
Or don't. And then people feel more welcome in your cube and socialize more often.
We know how I feel about that.
Scooter: Someone had to.  Great points though Shadds!
E: Oh. My god. You kids.

Furthermore, I actually like my job and Most of the people I work with. Plus I have to nest. Otherwise, I'm miserable.
Me:  Why thank you, Scooter!

And did I say I didn't like my job? I mean, really I just accept it as a necessary allows me to do what I love (wtf) - which oftentimes requires sacrifice (sleep, sanity, social life)...and it supports my dreams of, well, everything (marriage, family, paid loans, happy hour, and plastic surgery).

Ultimately it bides time & boosts monies while I do what I love and as my dreams (nightmares) come to fruition.

...And In RealTime: it's 4:00pm on a Friday, eyesight is compromised & carpal tunnel is setting in.  Solution? A stiff drink and a good bend.  But in all honesty we know I'll either go play Bingo or fall asleep on the couch by 6:03pm with a Vitamin Water in hand.

Yes. That's it.  Make mine a double!

Haha!  At this point, I don't know whether I'm laughing or crying. Don't look at me...and definitely don't look in my cube.  My intern-self wouldn't even know the cubie I've become.

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Having that kind of day?

That day when it takes everything you have to drag yourself out of bed, polish up, and fight through traffic to get to the office.  Blood pressure is elevated. Teeth clenched and white knuckled and road raged.  You've had that day.  And today, that's my day.

A rep just came to 'check in' on the submission he put in.  'Just wanted to see.....' - sorry, see what?  Oh that's right.  Because I clown around, anxiously awaiting your next request.  Nothing else going on, nope!  Just sitting on my thumbs.

The neon sign on my forehead (the one that says: F*ck Off) must have supernova'd.  Because the rep left.  Immediately.

Any techies know how to bust Websense?  It's blocking the best sites and really testing my patience.

Friday, January 27, 2012

The Office is not a petting zoo.

I just found an MSN article on hugging in the workplace. And you know what?  Hugging should never be allowed in the workplace...ever.  Not even like a hand-awkwardly-around-shoulder. Nope. Any & all embraces should be strictly forbidden in this age of harassment and jealousy.  It's one of those things...dont share your soap bar in prison, dont hug your co-workers.

*Okay touch-zones include broom closet and lunch date rendez-vous points hayyyy

Thursday, January 26, 2012

Your Tagline. Violated.

The New Office has this notion of custom nameplates for our cubicles.  It's cute. Your little headshot is on there, plus!  You get to fashion your very own tagline after The Company's tagline read "Your [Noun]. [Verbed].

Some of the EOTMs (stands for 'employee of the month'. similar to 'teacher's pet' or 'gold star-ers') have put stuff like "Your Ideas. Ignited."

And in all of my twenty-something glory, the only one I came up with was: "Your Market. Penetrated."  It really puts the finihshing touch on my Chewbacca headshot.

sue me. i was having a big hair day.

Got a better tagline for me?

Monday, January 23, 2012

Rock Bottom: Sexual Favors for McNuggets

White Meat...Hard. That ho is really after the nuggets. Day-um, what 15yr old kid in a visor and pleated khakis is gonna say no to a milkshake on his shift break? Then again what self-respecting woman is gonna give it up for a 6pc...(dont answer that.)

At least for a 20pc and like 4 sauces.  Or else no deal, gotta have the sauces (and hell yes fries with that.)

With this economy, currency is out and bartering is IN. McD's better get on the map for this one.  In my last interview at the New Office, the VP flipped to the last page of my resume - his response: "Oh!! Dunkin did you like it there? I always like to know where people started. It's very telling."

Can you imagine if I was like, 'hell yes I was all up on those timbits and workin those honey dip sticks.' Or is that too telling? Whatever.  I was employee of the month for 4 yrs running and each summer during college.  Represent.

To that affect...J-fizz & J-woww weighed in:

J-fizz: 'save me a diet coke...on the side, that is! wanna save my calories. ha!'

and J-woww: 'she does know they are $4.99 for a 20piece right now right? and if intervention has taught me anything you can give a blow job for like $30 and have nugs all week! this woman is clearly not business savvy!'

Friday, January 6, 2012

Tater Tots???

YOU CAN MAKE HEALTHY TATER TOTS!!!  i mean come on who doesn't love tater tots.

Happy Friday :)

Welcome, EZ-E!

Alright!!!  An official welcome to EZ-E, the non-cubicled gym guy who made his debut in the "Occupy This ****" entry.  Courtesy of J-fizz, our very own EZ-E was the inspiration for that piece.  He came to check out his masterpiece the other day.  His reaction?  "You write kinda naughty."

...clearly he's new.

Thursday, January 5, 2012

Thursday Notions

In a non-specific order, these points need your immediate attention:

Come on!:Why are Ron Paul (rue paul??) and Mitt Romney at the forefront of the 2012 presidential race?  Apparently one of them made a dig at the's the quote from Mittens "the Kitten': You know, I’ve been looking at some video clips on YouTube, of president Obama, then candidate Obama, going through Iowa making promises. The gap between his promises and his performance is the largest I’ve seen since, well, the Kardashian wedding and the promise of ’til death do us part.  -   That happened months ago and Americans are over it.  It's weird how politicians ask people for a ton of money and then spend their free time taking a crack at comedy.  I'm voting Daily Show Jon Stewart for president if that's the case.  At least his material is on point.  Hard.

Bought a new car:  Wondering how long it will throw my creeper off the trail...

Journalism continues to make strides: If you are a first-time home cheesemaker, D&C says to go with ricotta.

Found an old family photo:  It's wretched.  The Chinese looking ogre in the back is me:

 ((Lin...what happened to your eye brows?))

Gympact App probably worth it

Radio personalities were chatting up this sweet new app, Gympact.  Basically you enter your credit card info, register you gym/local fitness facility, and schedule out your days of the week that you plan on going there.  You get to 'incentivize your exercise' - except that incentivize is not a word.

Because of the new stalker edition of smartphones, the app will be able to register your location, date, time (but hey! at least it can't watch you park your car!).  BUT!  If you cop out on your gym time, it will CHARGE YOUR CREDIT CARD whatever monetary penalty you opted - how bout that??  As the app collects these charges from the slackers and pools the monies to pay people who DID go on their days/times.  BOOM.

That's pretty cool.  I'd like to get paid to go to the gym.  Except that the health and overall wellness rewards are not a bad pay-off.  Weird right?  That juicer dude, Jack LaLanne said, "Your health is your fitness wealth," (or something.)  What's it worth to you?  So app that shit if you are on the fence about your saddle bags.

Think about it for a moment.  You may absolutely loathe going to the gym.  But do you love being fat?  Working out is kind of the lesser of two evils.  Either run around for an hour and sweat a little, or look like a cow in holiday pictures for years and years for everyone to see for forever.  Ah, memories.

sealed with a kiss.

I'm not allowed to blog about it.