Tuesday, December 20, 2011

"I watched you park your car this morning"

Season's greetings!  It's that time of year where we sing, cheer, and grope each other under the mistletoe or in the copy room.  But it's also that time of year where the office creeper may take your friendly smile for a 'come and get it' grin.  Where do they find such whack-jobs anyways?  What matters most, is that they usually find me...

Two years ago, a young man sent me a very crude photo of female body parts.  When I asked him why he'd do such a thing, he replied, "Cuz I thought it'd get you going."  Hey now!  If my lack of cleavage didn't give the green light, then it was definitely the Beanie Babies lining my cube...

My latest creeper is the poster man-child for everything you shouldn't say when trying to pick up chicks:
  • "I watched you park your car this morning."
  • "Yeah sorry I was like out of breath.  I wasn't mad at you I just got back from the gym - sore muscles, all hurty! stewpit squats!"
  • "okay 4get i said anything apparently it's taboo to say thank u when somebody offers you lunch."
  • "bonjour. been trying not to bug ya but have u heard anything about my snail mail letter?"
And here's a fun exchange:
Dude: we NEED customers listening to this and based on the attendee list the marketing didn't work
by the 3rd webinar it will be ALL us peeps lol
12:00 PM
Me: 1/3 of listeners were external...not too bad actually
12:03 PM
Dude: % wise yes.
typically direct marketing yields about a 4% response.
i assuming the email went out to about 20k people
1/3 of 25 attendees is what? 8? 8 of 20k is .04%.
12:11 PM:
Dude: fyi that is in no way a reflection of ur contribution
1:44 PM
Dude: btw...whats ur ext?
Don't worry.  I started wearing a fake diamond ring.  LAUGH.

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

New Year's Confession

AshCash just made mammoth steps for mankind.

Instead of that New Year's Resolution join-a-gym crap...close out 2011 with your New Year's Confession.


Let's turn up that heat and put five fingers up and never-have-i-ever (except i totally did) the hell out of this post.  If you don't have any shame-shames to share, please remember that this is a judge free zone.  Like the halls of a college dorm.  Or 5am group class.

I can't really contribute.  Other than getting caught in the most compromising position (in the laundry room.  by my grandmother.  and yes, everybody knows), it's just been like, a really dull year.  Hmmm. Welp. Good chat!

follow up.  to be continued...please stand by.

Territorial Chip Moment

Most of the time.  I can keep my cool.  Most. Of. The. Time:

I met some friends out at a bar after bingo (holla.), and a few former co-workers were present.  Why I love seeing old cubies?  Because we gush about how much better our lives are in the aftermath.  And by gush I mean to say - we play a little game of "my life's better" - flash dat biz card #impact

So one of the cute girls from production was there, all done up.  She ordered this WHOPPING plate of 'tatoe skins that were steaming and dripping cheesy goodness.  Topped with little bits of happiness aka bacon.  Heads were turning.  I belted out "oh. my. god.  what are thosssse' [insert bedroom eyes...and drool]

Girl from Production whipped her hair around, and hits me with: "it's my cheat day."

...oh.  so you're not gonna share?

Enjoy that platter.  Let me get you some complimentary Bingo dabbers to go with dat ass...*ahem* ...sass.

Monday, December 5, 2011

Occupy this *****

J-fizz and I hit up downtown on a Saturday afternoon.  It seemed a little strange that there were homeless people sitting on park benches, watching rich kids pitch camping tents on their turf.  Can somebody please explain to me this "Occupy" nonsense?  Those tv interviews must be great.  Kinda like when Obama was running for president...

NewsAnchor: "So, tell us why Mr. Barack Obama should be president!"
LiberalKid: "Uh, well becausssssse he would change history!!!"

Really?  Did President Obama change history - or was it the color of his skin that changed an historically long-standing pattern of rich white boys leading this country?  Just saying.

So Occupy the shit out of this: at the gym, J-fizz's peep, EZ-E hit a home run with his t-shirt tagline

"Occupy my pants - I just pitched a tent"

Das right, EZ just blew your mind.  Brand that.  Hard.  And use the profits to get us out of this economic time-bomb.

Oh, and RichieRich had something to say about a nudist colony.  But save that for a rainy day.