Friday, March 30, 2012

There is always time for Psychic Time

When your psychic lives 5 houses down from Donuts Delight, you've hit the jackpot (or crackpot).

The Trifecta made moves today.  And it was legitttttttttttttt.  Like, WHUT.

I have my reading on a - get this: CASSETTE TAPE.  Rock on.  My first cassette tape was Spice Girls.  SO TELL ME WHACCHU WANT whacchu really, really wannnt.  And my neighborhood girls and I would flip and switch from Side A to Side B all day.

Now my future is spun and I can't find a fkn player.  Tell ya one thing, though:  Apparently I have a rebel energy.

But hey, J-fizz is a cowgirl.  YEE HAW.

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Hey Suga - I'm callin you out.

Uh huhhh, that's right.

The Jets' 2012-13 season is a Mark Sanchez, Tim Tebow tug-of-war.  Right now it's anyone's field.  And as long as I'm still playing the field, the gloves are off and I'm taking no prisoners.

Haha!  Admit it: you miss us.  In the spirit of spring and Spandex season, don't you think its about time you stopped by for a visit? a spin? a story or two?

Monday, March 19, 2012

Tebow to NY Jets; Game over ladies

I'm not really a big city girl.  But in the past 48-hours, I don't see any reason why I shouldn't move to The Big Apple.  Seriously.

Reason #1 - ROC's bachelor auction (view ROC's most eligible here).  No comment.


UmmmMMMmMmMmmmM - touch down hail mary - just put it in me!  Tim Tebow and Mark Sanchez with the green and white flair...mama like!

Shit.  I seriously just finished packing my finest linens, undergarments, and threw out every single piece of Yankees wear that I own.  That's right.  Operation: Cheerleader on Espresso is in full force.  In like 2 hours I'm going to morph into that starving tiger you see at the zoo - pacing back and forth, licking my chops and staring at that ice cream cone in your hand.  Except it's a whole-lotta man banana split - with a cherry on top.

opefully I'll be at the Brooklyn Zoo by then and at least within the same voting district as my Good Angel, Bad Angel tag team.

Who knew that Christmas also came on March 19th?  Oh Lord, sweet Baby Jesus.  The boys of summer can beat it because I just wanna get sacked by the Jets.  Hayyy.

(thanks j-fizz for keeping up on the football times and espn.)

Friday, March 9, 2012

Why watch the Bachelor when you've got Craigslist?

I mean, this guy seems pretty legit.


I figured that I couldn't pass up this opportunity...but was my search too good to be true?  Had to reach out to my Good Angel, J-fizz. Her response:

"seriously?! so what he is really saying is, "i have a man-gina, i like long walks on the beach, the smell of cinnamon scones, earl gray tea, and long talks after you beating the shit outta me in the sack!" sounds like a real catch! wtf"'re saying no?  He had me at queen size bed...

Thursday, March 8, 2012


Do you have a cube life story that reflects your unique experience in Cubicle Land? That's great! Please refrain from sending it to be posted.  Because my cubicle land is, unfortunately, exactly like your cubicle land.

In fact.  You have an overbearing supervisor just like mine.  And you also have a Gail...a Gail who has been on the phone with about 80 auto body chop shops (and Pontillo's for lunch...).  Yes. She's been working the lines since 8:13am.  Hard.  And she will not rest until her Hyundai Sonata - with the broken fuel pump - has been fixed for an affordable price.

I alerted the former cube kids.  Without a pause, J-woww knew exactly who 'Gail' was: "Gail would have a Hyundai Sonata. Let me guess.  She has a short dyke hair cut but it's okay cuz she's a mom? Could probably use some deep conditioning...she loves the chain restaurants where kids eat free but Applebee's is her favorite because she can have a chardonnay (and a frozen lemonade when it's girls' night)."

You also have a Jan working the front desk.  If she gives you lip for returned Express Mail envelopes, just tell her that sleeping on your back reduces wrinkles (thanks J-fizz).


Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Yeah, so what??

So what if our parents left us with a shitty economy? So what if gas is over $4 per gallon? So what if you're still living at home? So what if they got Madonna when she peaked?

Our parents' generation totally screwed us! But it's all good, I swear. Because we are making pills to prolong their lives so they have no coice but to sweat out this shit storm with us.  Suckers!

Thursday, March 1, 2012

New Tapper Wrapper: "where did you wear it"

May I have your attention please! There is a new condom that let's you check in online, then rate the experience.  This is a legit promo from Planned Parenthood, and it's an article you absolutely must read. Excuse me while I clean up the coffee that was spilled all over my two keyboards in pure, utter awe.

I mean. I'm really more of an under the radar, on top of the dryer, forever kind of girl.

The "Where Did You Wear It" wrappers have QR codes (those strange maze-looking squares you now see on everything...newsflash: it's communism.) - so scan it with your smartphone and your business is all over the World Wide Web!

Hot damn!!!!!  People are really that dumb! This is absolutely fan-fkn-tastic. A total of 55,000 were distributed and shit's about to get hot and heavy - and not fertilized!  My mind is racing:

Where AREN'T you gonna break it down?  Does the laundry room have a Google Maps location? What happens if it breaks? What happens if it sucks? Can you upload photos? Who came first (the chicken, or the egg, duh)? Is it strictly a 'one-time use' thing? Are there time stamps? Awards for multiple...updates?

And how many licks does it actually take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?

Ughhhh. Thank you Planned Parenthood for crushing any doubt I ever had in social media and Smartphones to ruin the thrill of a shotgun lunch date.  Eff the wrappers - if we're about to get down to business and you're busy whipping out your phone and not your (ish) on tweeting someone else's twitter.