Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Ants Marching

The ants go marching one-by-one hoorah. hoorah.

Everyone else in the company has the day-off. day-off.

Literally, the only people in The Office are ELL Sales.

So instead of kicking back, we are kicking it up and starting off 2010 the right way. Because while everyone is napping, painting their nails, shopping for their New Years outfit, catching up on SportsCenter, the 9th and 10th floors are busy getting ahead.

Consider the traditional pig-in-a-blanket: a meat and rice mixure, combined and rolled in a cabbage leaf - slow-cooked in V8 juice and tomato sauce. See how much more cultured we all are now (thanks to My Homie). Whoever is out of The Office is that much further behind.

But if we did decide to reward ourselves with the afternoon off, nobody would be around to stop us.

Set up for success. Set up your goals.

Received a call today from a random number...(no dude, I'm not Javier). I politely informed the little foreign man that he had the wrong number. He called again. And of course, third time's the charm. Pepe - take a hint!

Reflecting on this year: Louis thanks for a great 6 months at The Office...and thanks for not yelling at my terrified, struggling twenty-something self. And thanks for the shots of Maker's Mark - oops!

Marching, marching. Time to smile and dial.

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Staring Contest with the Cube Wall

If you know what you're worth, then go out and get what you're worth.

....and shake whatcha momma gave ya.

I hate those days where you feel like you're in a constant caffeine crash. When that short-lived, irritating sensation that one normally experiences circa 2:30pm is sustained throughout the day. Result: puffy eyes, slight head-ache, drooling, and extremely short temper (but hilarity factor quadruples).

My eyes are also going cross when I blink.

I could go for a massage. Or as C-dawg would have it, a full-hour tickle. wtf.

While Upper Management and all other departments are enjoying a day off tomorrow, I'll be contemplating my future and goals for 2010. aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

oops. that was actually the result of me falling asleep at my desk/keyboard. good thing my phone rang.

Monday, December 28, 2009

On the Market

Fish market. Stock market. Cube market?

Maybe I'm just The Office's secret weapon - weeding out the weaklings. The cube across from me is empty. Sorry New Guy, we had a good run.

Looks like once again, NLSts is on the prowl. This time it's for a new podmate. At least the situation has potential, provided that HR follows the specific guidelines from the Inner Office Memo.

In light of the up-coming holiday, tis the season for new outfits and accessories. The Butler telephoned a local shoe store to inquire about their selection of gold heels. Friendly Shoe Store Lady was quite rude and blunt during their 30 second exchange.

So we had Chi-chetti ring Friendly Shoe Store Lady, "Hi. Do you have any black shoes?" HookerJones suggested he call back asking for silver sparkling heels - in men's. Incidentally this amused me for a solid 30 minutes. Incidentally this is not that funny. BuckWild suggested asking for Dick Licker. That could be interesting. Playing Chuck, Fuck, or Marry? during lunch today was much more exciting.

Because the events in my life cease to entertain: my sister is moving back home. Now, I'm hardly a struggling twenty-something. Living at home hasn't completely crushed my soul.

But here's how I evaluate the under-aged invader: my sister's 19. she's just having fun. everyone takes a different path and honestly, college isn't for everyone. she's a good kid. she'll figure it out. thing is, she had a scholarship. thing is, she partied hard and studied not hard and is subsequently no longer eligible for her scholarship. naturally she's being rewarded with a car.

And when Ma and Pa start to get insecure about the fact that their middle child is now attending (God forbid.) college!....guess who'll be the one they'll tear down to build themselves up?

Understand that when I'm a parent, I may do the same exact things that my parents do. I may have that "ah-ha" moment of understanding and inner peace where unrelenting empathy will settle in and EVERYTHING that my parents have EVER done will suddenly make sense. Again, that's entirely hypothetical. Right now I'm 22...I'm the entitled, selfish first-born; and the whole thing seems pretty effed up. Couldn't pick me up on the side of the highway when my car broke down but, please, reward her failures.

Housing market - anyone?

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Spreading Christmas Cheer


...or by wearing your apple-bottoms and boots with the furrrr. Personally, a touch of Bailey's does the trick.

Cube Chat

RockyRacoon: "B-fab, did you booty drop?"

((see Drop It Low - Ester Dean (feat. Chris Brown) ))

Alas since I'm without any liquer for my morning cup of coffee, I'll have to settle for some classic xmas tunes. Christmas with the Rat Pack and Vince Guaraldi's Charlie Brown Christmas. Later we'll throw it down with Lady Gaga and Cobra Starship.

Please, while you dish out your spare change today to the Salvation Army bucket, consider HookerJones' new fund. Drop a dime in the Plastic Surgery Fund at her cube - it's more of a security fund.

Merry Christmas/Happy Hanukkah/Happy Kwanza/Merry Festivus

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Last Ditch

Why is it that a headset makes me feel more official? It's like the Italian in me has taken over. Almost spilled the coffee, the water bottle and the hand sanitizer with all this high energy hand-waving. As if the liberation of my arms have given me a new sense of authority. Now if only I could get my hands on a Snuggie.

Originally the "Slanket", this sleeved blanket was invented in 1998 by Gary Clegg. $5 million in sales since 2008 - seriously? Lucky bastard.

RickyRacoon has been hazed. Who put up "OOGLE.COM" on her computer? The real question is....who wouldn't???

Forget it. No work is getting done right nowwwwww.


Monday, December 21, 2009

I believe in shopping cart karma.

Also, if you hang up on some one, remember that payback's a bitch. There's nothing like a holiday that will crush a telemarketer's soul. And a magnet that says "Home is Where Your Mom Is".

(sales exec KT passed down the trinket that I gifted her for her latest...27th...birthday. it was funny then. but now that she's buying a house, moving out of her parent's home and passing it on to me, the humor is lost.)

The pod has an interim member in from Chicago - RockyRacoon. She'll be taking the place of The Butler, who is on medical leave for having her wisdom teeth pulled (yikes!). Hang in there kiddo the swelling will subside!

I digress. I looked like a chipmunk before and after wisdom teeth surgery. In fact today I approached HookerJones at her cube. With a Fireball candy in my mouth I told her to guess which cheek the ball was in. She guessed right. But I swear it's cuz she cheated. Perhaps we're all losing our minds.

HookerJones thinks that July 4th was the year that we declared our independence.

Friday, December 18, 2009

A Cubicle Land Christmas

Twas the week before Christmas

and all through the Land

there seemed a cheerful air

(or maybe they replaced the building fan)

"Come one, come all -

gather round the tree!"

B-fab called out

to all of us with glee

And it was there we shared fond memories and good cheer, passing out Secret Santa gifts - for most, 'twas our first corporate Christmas!

Now. Time for the company party. Blue Light, anyone?

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Pedometer Pedantic

Christmas-gifted from fitness guru J-Fizzle just this morning: a pedometer.

Both exciting and intriguing!

And I could not wait to document my day, step. by. step. Alas, after only 964 steps excluding gym time (and it's 12:55pm right now), indicating a "sedentary lifestyle". Superb.

Realistically, my swivel chair gets more mileage than my limbs. But the trek up to Floor 10 just put me over 1000 steps!! If America's obesity problem has taught us anything, it's that one should always opt for the stairs (sans swivel chair).

THIS JUST IN: Hiscock and I have just made our first official sale! Now opening the door for all "his" and "cock" and "money" puns (reach me at ext 435).

Not sure how I managed to drag myself to The Office today, although I can tell you it took about 293 steps. Wanted to call it quits halfway through the day. Here are the best excuses researched:
  • Your neighbor called – the water pipes “broke” and your basement is flooding. Got to get home ASAP! Works only if you don't live at home. Also a get-out-of-jail-free pass for your roommate if they work in same office as you.
  • Food poisoning… works without fail (especially after lunch)! Just be sure not to blame it on your boss’s favorite restaurant. Blame it on the waxy Advent chocolates.
If all else fails, remember it's like the 6th day of Hanukkah and pull the "Politically Correct" card...Christians get their days for Christmas. Nothing like discriminatory leverage.

OfficeMax's exciting elfish escapades have been lavishly outdone by HookerJones' creative cutting. Each cubicle cronie is now charicatured as an impish slave.

If Santa could send me a few of those effin' elves I'd have them dominate the domestic dwelling. Three siblings, one house, no parents. Hmmm. When my mother returns from her relaxing little getaway, she'll probably evict us.

Whatever. I plead the fifth and I blame the dog.

...and to get out of housework I'll use my well-rehearsed food poisoning excuse. Oh, the sedentary lifestyle at its finest (PS currently at 1166 steps).

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

The day that I didn't put heels on

Welcome to the jungle...

Today, The Butler was replaced by a 1980s almost made more dials than she did.


My Homie (after ending a phone convo with Christine in Yorkville IL): "I just realized I wrote down the name 'Christine' and was drawing hearts around her name. Ew."
JMaves: "Dr. Jamie, this is the best Christmas present I'm going to give you...15 minutes with my project manager."
TyTy: "I don't need mistletoe, let's do it right here."
BuckWild: "He got the hospital! He's phone dropping right now!"
Me: "Yay! Wait...what's phone dropping?"
BuckWild: "Uh. I don't know."
HookerJones (after reading reviews of Advent calendar chocolate): "I'm commenting too, this Advent chocolate was disgusting"
(OUR MANAGER): "Yeah yeah! Write that it's disgusting and you fed it to your boss"
-->it's true, he willingly gobbled up the waxy bits of chocolate
Magpie: "Suck it. And by 'it', I mean my big toe."

i can't believe it's only wednesday.

Ever realize how when you write all in caps it MAKES IT SEEM LIKE YOU'RE YELLING? ((reading this right now, I know your internal volume just cranked it))

I'll never forget this one doctor I called. Reminding him that we were only highlighting reputable businesses, he interrupted me: "Really? Did they tell you I just got out of jail?" - instant shock. My response: "Oh...well we can put that in your video!"


Ah there is something about this lack of privacy, the soft padding of our cubicle walls, the warning signs of carpel tunnel, that really can push one to insanity. Hey C-dawg - do the moonwalk!

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Naughty and Nice

We're ruining Christmas.

B-fab and C-dawg are trying to decode everyone's Secret Santa.

Wasn't it enough, eating all of the Advent chocolates on the first day of Advent??

Now for some real fun: (it's totally the new thing right now)

Monday, December 14, 2009

Stomping Grounds

This Friday was the first time visiting my alma mater for a night on the town. The pilgrimage. What brought me there was my hockey team's first home game. What kept me there was the promise of a night filled with indiscretions. And of course that coveted alumni t-shirt.

It's where I grew up and somehow emerged unscathed; prepared for the Real World. Seriously, I have business cards now! It's comforting for me and for my ATM card, to know that we'd be welcomed with open arms [and open bar tabs]. Such wonderful memories came jolting back to me when I spilled out on the slippery pavement circa 3am...
  • trivia nights at Vital
  • Christmas time in the apartment
  • my car running out of gas half way up the hill to Newton lecture hall
  • falling asleep in Middle Eastern Politics (and subsequently being kicked out of class)
  • missing my stop and riding the short bus all the way to Wal-Mart
...laying in the middle of the quad in a stupor, I couldn't help but think that it's all come full circle. So it is with a new sense of calm and new feeling of purpose that I blog today. Maybe it's just this new headset that I'm testing out.

In the spirit of change, HookerJones has decided to switch around her cube. Her desk is now angled towards the pod's walkway; enough to almost barricade her in.

Cube Chat: Kenan and Kel; All That; how to pronounce "Darrel" ("duh-rell" or "dare-ell"...and does geographic location have an impact); how many blondes does it take to rearrange HookerJones' cube (no less than 3).

Think about your current career. Consider the many paths you could have chosen. Like the author of my newest read, The Secret Diary of a Call Girl. Contemplate at your own will.

REMINDER - bring in Toys for Tots! I am not to be held accountable if you end up in "H-E-L-L DOUBLE HOCKEY STICKS" for not contributing to a less-fortunate child's holiday.

Friday, December 11, 2009

Lunch Time Antics

Pod 1 and Pod 2 are in competition for holiday spirit, Pod 1 may have just taken the lead thanks to Ty Ty's mom. But I brought the seasonal minis...Twix, Snickers, Musketeers, Milky Ways. So everyone who stopped visiting my cube since I've run out of Blow Pops, you can come pretend to be my friend again.

In recognizing our Balebetishen Yidden* friends at The Office: Happy Hanukkah!

The homies chilling in the parking garage send their blessings as well. Although they may have been lighting up a roach, not a menorah.

Despite the ominous winter wonderland, we still make Friday lunch a priority. Apparently My Homie doesn't like tartar sauce - B-fab hates cocktail sauce. (ya think you know some one!). We discussed Secret Santas, and as Lil Thug would put it, "How do you buy a gift for someone who dresses so horrendously???"

Agreed. A $10 gift can't fix that.

Then there was the Fish Sandwich Incident. Basically what happened is that there we two middle-aged men sitting a table near us. Perhaps an interview or just some old friends enjoying a meal together. Whatever it was had one guy all heated up.

Please note that although my camera phone's clarity is faulty, there is no mistaking the puddle developing below Blazer Guy's right armpit.

Once it was spotted, we knew that it must be documented. I grabbed my camera phone and positioned it next to B-fab's delish fish sandwich, struggling for an angle and totally lacking in tact. Then B-fab took charge, "LOOK! LOOK AT MY FISH SANDWICH - TAKE A PICTURE!! HAHA TAKE A PICTURE OF IT"

Laughing, and obviously not zoning-in on the fish sandwich, I finally captured this Kodak moment. Better yet, Lil Thug's reaction to B-fab's well-timed outburst was priceless. Sheer confusion. But why wouldn't I want a PICTURE OF MY FISH SANDWICH? B-fab, totally clutch.

Ty Ty wanted some blogspace too. How, he asked, could he become a part of it?

Unanimous answer: TAKE YA PANTS OFF!!

Perhaps at next Friday's lunch?

Now that's mazel tov for sure!

*(Balebetishen Yidden - yiddish for "respectable Jew")

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Keeping Company

Received an email this morning titled: "Fallow Up"


Instant migraine.

Now that my vision is no longer blurred, there are more important matters at hand. In continuing to climb the corporate ladder, I am reminded of my main goal in life: Homemaking. After all, I did grow up on Wisteria Lane.

One of my neighbors actually turns December into sport - whatever the hot holiday toy, she does not rest until she has it. This year it's the Zhu Zhu Pets Hamster ( A horrid little thing, and a giant leap backward in entertainment technology. Find it on eBay for $100. At any rate it is flying off the shelves and Mrs. G is on the hunt.

Ah, to be a desperate housewife. Along with organizing covert ops at Toys R Us, this time of year will be filled with the proverbial "holiday party" - one of many networking events that one is expected handle at a moment's notice. J-Fizzle of WTF was invited (as the guest of a normal group member) to a dinner shin-dig. Among the facial peels and designer jeans, she was able to get some insider perspective.

To put it simply: Iced out and lit up (not the Christmas tree).

Upon arrival, she was peppered with questions...a little game of Status Scategories. Age. Marital Status. Children. Education. Profession. Residential location. Hair Dresser. (Plastic Surgeon... Dealer...). Ask yourself, "Is there really a world where women attack Corvettes with cans of Diet Coke and stalk the shelves of toy stores for motorized hamsters?" and know that, yes, yes this world exists.

What a trooper. As much as I love observing a good train wreck, I can't imagine exposing my neurons to such intelligible company for any amount of time.

The company I keep is more like this...

(BuckWild diving in the Sangria pitcher)
(Lil Thug you paid too much for that shirt. cute sleeves but it's missing the middle.)

Forget housewives, looks like we're in line to be the next generation of cougars.

Nothing but high class in Cubicle Land. They say that only 2 out of every 10 people you meet in the business world are going to be upstanding, ethical people. **HookerJones and BuckWild, you guys are actually on the chopping block. So be upstanding and go get me some coffee, I'll consider keeping you in my social network**

Hint: even though their hearts are in the right place, avoid contacts that "fallow up"

You know, Johnny Depp apparently began his career by smiling and dialing as a telemarketer. He developed his accents/personalities through hours of cold-calling. And he just won his 2nd "Sexiest Man Alive" Award. Just sayin.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Inner-Office Memo as per the Lovely Ladies of the 9th Level

On the 9th floor there is something amiss. And we've decided to take matters into our own hands...

To: Human Resources Personnel

From: The Lovely Ladies on the 9th Level

Date: December 9, 2009

HR Personnel,

Re: Eye Candy

As we near the end of the fourth quarter, we would like to applaud your department on another successful year. The company is growing to take on many new ventures - it could not have been done without the highly motivated teammates that you have cultivated for The Office.

However at this time we feel it is prudent to voice our concern regarding the elephant in the room.

Adam had Eve. Ying has Yang. The Lovely Ladies of the 9th Level have...a gay.

Not to discount The Boys by any means, who are near and dear to our hearts. But they are not exactly ours...TBag, Ty Ty, JMaves, Chichetts, PolishPride...they are all spoken for. The Lovely Ladies of the 9th Level have become restless with despair. Luckily we have managed to maintain a few shreds of dignity and have not completely lost our will to shower and wear stilletos. Unfortunately the competition for New Guy and Laf-a-Lot has all but destroyed our camaraderie (and has considerably inflated their egos). Quite frankly: this is a serious cause for concern.

The illustrious "bend-and-snap" is now a mere "lean-and-teeter" - we are out of practice. The mistletoe above the first pod will be wilting before it can work its holiday magic. B-fab, the married matron of the group, has her hands full trying to initiate distractions - holiday decorating, lunch-time viewings of The Hills... Lil Thug's eviction is eminent and she will need all eligible bachelors at her disposal if she has any hope of staying off the streets during these winter nights. HookerJones and The Butler have in fact removed themselves from Cubicle Land all-together - hopefully their brave hearts will not be trapped in Executive Holding Cells for good.

Surely you would agree that morale and productivity will drastically increase with the addition of a few GQ models to The Office staff.

The will of the twenty-somethings is not to be distracted by relationships and commitments - work hard. play hard. work it. get it. Is it too much to ask for a little eye candy and some testosterone up in hurrr??

Several solutions were brainstormed to remedy this blatant oversight in The Office's staffing procedures:

An elected 9th Floor ambassador will assist you throughout the interview process to make sure that potential candidates are accurately assessed for height, relationship status, personal grooming, character, current living situation, and mode of transportation. **NOTE: the assessment will in NO WAY disqualify worthy applicants from employment, but the Lovely Ladies of the 9th Level may deem it necessary to redistribute their talents to the 8th, 10th, or 11th Floors. Bicycles are, however, a deal breaker. Mullets too.

Additionally, it would be expected that The Office raise starting salaries enough to allow eligible male bachelors to tend to the Lovely Ladies of the 9th Level when socializing at bars (and for courtship purposes i.e. Tiffany's jewelry, Coach bags, erasing MasterCard debt, etc).

Hope is not lost. Now that the air has been cleared, we are excited to move forward with this new venture in the new year!

Forever Yours,

The Lovely Ladies of the 9th Level
(NLSts (aka Chunks); HookerJones; The Butler; B-fab; BuckWild; C-dawg; My Homie; Lil Thug; Magpie; and Liz)

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Shine Some Light

The daytime hours are waning. The sunlight doesn't quite reach the sales floor. Sound proof, bullet proof, high-security cubicle walls - how do the lovely ladies of Cubicle Land maintain their glow?

HookerJones, The Butler and C-dawg have invested in spray tanning.

You get to wear these neat hair net things, as HookerJones demonstrates for us. Just be careful not to let it cover only half of your forehead because then you'll look like you were only partially submerged in the bronzer (and then you'll have a straight line across your forehead. not that I know from experience or anything.)

There's also the option to apply self-tanner. But in the name of Christmas Cheer, I've resorted to wrapping myself in holiday lights to absorb some extra color.

Friend and trainer, J-Fizzle from WTF, has been known to bask in the rays of the fabled Christmas Vacation house. "BITCH why you think I'm so bronze now?"

After putting in some overtime at The Office last night, I decided to take a cruise around town - I had to see this thing for my own eyes.

It does exist.

And it could power a small city.

I don't know who should press charges...the residents next door, the residents across the street, or the residents sharing the back yard. It doesn't have the "two-hundred fifty strands of lights, one thousand bulbs per strand, for a grand total of two-hundred fifty thousand tiny twinkle lights" Chevy Chase 'look' to it. No. There are angels. Strands of multi colored bulbs mixed with strands of white. Nothing says class quite like 8 flashing reindeer and Three Wise Men circling your house, as if to lead one blinding coup d'etat.

Gotta admire their spunk if not their electric bill.

Thank goodness my cube buddy has nothing but three sheets of paper tacked to the stunning grey walls of his cube. Between my mini Christmas tree, advent calendar, and strand of lights, he'd probably be happier next to the Christmas Vacation house.

Saturday, December 5, 2009

Growing Pains

Thing is, I feel like I'm in a perpetual twenty-something limbo.

Kind of a grown up, kind of a child. It's a conundrum.

Some of my neighbors now want me to call them by their first names. There's a hierarchy and a notion of respect that I just can't seem to mentally overcome (seriously people it would be like me calling my parents by their first names...I'm in no mood for a back-hand).

This is why I'm glad most people call me by my last name...I won't have to worry about this when the tables are turned.

So I was making the best of both worlds this past Friday night: BuckWild, The Butler, HookerJones, C-dawg, Lil Thug, and me, plus a few others, met up at Tapas for dinner - girls night! BuckWild went diving for fruit in the sangria pitcher; pretty sure C-dawg had quail?

Ended the evening at the townie bar with an old friend. Ben and I have known each other for 21 years; from diapers to prom. We had a "holy shit what are we doing with our lives" moment...then we ordered another pitcher and a round of Jameson, toasting to the days of cardboard fortresses and we tried to act like the whiskey wasn't burning our throats. Saw some guys from high school. My friend from college ended her waitress shift and took a seat at the bar with us. Just like an episode of Cheers, I was in a place where everyone knew my name, and it was awesome.

After teetering between my past and my future I landed in the present, circa 2:45a,m when my parents picked me up from the bar ((when did I become so dependent on them?? when did I start having drunken heart-to-hearts with my dad?? what happened to the walk-of-shame??)). I have to say, I felt a little lost.

Where, exactly, does a twenty-something fit in?

One of my friends, still in college, sent me interview questions for a communications project on recent college grads in the workforce. How appropriate. One question asked:

Q: Do you want a family and a career? If yes to both, what, if any, steps do you think you will need to take to manage both a professional career and a family?

A: I wouldn’t know! I'm only 22! That’s something I'd like to ask a seasoned veteran – I can’t keep a goldfish alive much less maintain a relationship…so forget about a family. The education system prepares you to identify mafic rocks but not how to raise a child or balance a checkbook. In the end I think I’ll need to hire a nanny.

So as we hopscotch between our comfort zones and our hopes/dreams, we have to force ourselves to keep moving forward.

Coming back to live at home. I feel like I've been assaulted by Mother Nature's maturity security guard; a yank on the humility leash that is now collared to my neck.

Here's the real mindfuck: platypus. What the hell. Now, that's a warm-blooded critter that lays eggs. So is it a mammal or a reptile? Where, exactly, does a platypus fit in? Did God sneeze when he was zapping that bright idea into creation?

But then again, who am I to question His judgement...I should probably just adopt a platypus and perhaps it will give significant meaning to my quarter-life crisis.

Friday, December 4, 2009

Hate Mail.

My Homie. You suck:

this. is. war.

Decisions, Decisions...

Life is full of decisions.

Man up, twenty-somethings, this is no time to sit back! Sometimes it's tough to keep going. So I tend to follow the Rule of Ss (Sleep, Success, Social Life).

(GRAMMAR 101: Yes, I did put "Ss". There is no apostrophe. If I see one more person write something like "S's" or "during the 1920's"...I'm going to smack a bitch. WRITE IT RIGHT! You'll want to say "during the 1920s" because it's equivalent to "during the years 1920, 1921, etc". Therefore if you write out "during the 1920's" you really are saying "during the of the 1920". Kinda like how "The Butler's mother" = "the mother of The Butler". Thoroughly confused? Great!)

So back to the Rule. The Rule of Ss. Life is a balance of sleep, success, and social life. So to have success and a social life, you better learn to love caffeine. Makes sense right? A trifecta. Hence, sleepers either have to forgo the success or the social life. Again it's all about balance.

<--When in doubt I grab the Cube of Choice. It's the caveman version of the Magic 8 Ball (refrain from the awful cube-and-cubicle puns).

Last night I was in the middle of my Thursday meltdown - I couldn't decide if I should pull it together and drag myself out to the Art Show or lay low and veg. Hmm. After a roll (or 4) of the six-sided soothsayer, I decided to do as it said and "TV" the night away. Actually I didn't quite make it past 8:45pm.

The Cube of Choice includes choices like "Wash hair" and "Pub" and "Sex" and I think I covered the most important ones (aka can't remember the rest). There's always the option to help the Cube along to a favored side...perhaps why I'm only familiar with 4 of them?

BKWasp's momma is visiting NYC for the holiday experience, so while their apartment does not have a husband, it does have it's mother.

The fourth chocolate in my Advent Calendar was a star. Lovely. And delicious. I also took the liberty of "adventing" weekend days (since obviously we won't be in The Office). Hello day 5 and 6!

Today has been an interesting day at The Office to say the least. The extra chocolates and good night's sleep came in handy. Louis and I have broken up...The Butler and HookerJones and BuckWild are still going strong with their executives. It wasn't a messy break up, but neither one of us were ready to move on. This was NOT my decision - oh decisions decisions... The Management is switching things up. My new exec's last name is ...are you ready? you sure? okay, his last name is...


That is all :)

Thursday, December 3, 2009

A Touch of Class

This morning at WTF, we were dishing on the latest updates with Tiger Woods.

Checking out the scoop today on, I saw a link under the health blurb: "Sex drive vs. golf drive".

How appropriate, I thought...but it really is about men and their sex/golf drive and steroids. Seriously? With all the juicy Tiger Woods debauchery, who had the nerve to post that article and not give us the goods?? BORING.

But I found the goods..."Life for wives of pro athletes no fairy tale" (

One pro-athlete wife commented,

"That's their personal life; let them handle it," Butler said. "We don't know what positive things they have done, but the minute something negative happens, [the media] jumps all over it, and everybody wants to know what happened, and that disgusts me."

I now comment,

FAIL. Let that bastard burn in the spotlight and in Hell. Everyone has things they want to keep on the how I go through 6 packs of Eclipse gum in a day... So when that pro-athlete wife says "personal life" I hope she means like when a family member passes away or relationship details. Yes, it really sucks for Tiger's wife, having to be publicly dragged through this disaster and try to keep her life, dignity, and children together under the media's magnifying one deserves that. It's a double-edged sword; do the Mrs. a favor by being quiet? or watch T-bag Tiger squirm?

I hope Jay Leno has Tiger as a guest so he can go "I-know-your-Dad-and-he-would-be-disappointed", just like he did when Kanye West de-funked over Tay Swift's music award.

So this begs the question...what will I wear to the art show tonight? Really though, it feels very "Sex and the City" - club. downtown. wine. chocolate. live art. Totally chic.

And just an insight about the view from the cubes: nobody has said anything today about Tiger Woods...can we unblock a few websites and open a window in here? But C-dawg brought Barrel-O-Monkeys in today! I know where I'll be taking my lunch break!

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Text Message Wake Up

I wake up at 4:15am every morning. I wake up at that unsightly hour so that I can go to the gym...from now on the gym will be referred to as WTF (weight training and is also the attitude of the awesome people I train with). It's good times. This is besides the point.

I woke up this morning with 4 random text messages on my phone - this gingerbread crackhouse was by far the most disturbing. The close second place was from Momma: "Please be careful going into the gym - there is a creepy guy next door that has been watching everyone and you need to be very aware!" When I woke up at 2am, I read that and then had nightmares. When I went to the gym, creepy guy next door had all the lights on in his apt that overlooked the parking lot. I readied my keys to strike any possible attackers lurking in the shadows.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Special Request

HookerJones put in a special request for an extra posting today.

For some reason today has been dragging with vengeance. On the sales floor you really have to be a little crazy to get through the day.

Today, HookerJones googled directions for peeling a pomegranate.

My Homie was telling us about her cat...that it defecated on her bed?

I thought of cube jams. Let's just say that I'm trying to fill in lyrics for "I Like Big Cubes" - a parody of "I Like Big Butts" or whatever that song is. Stay tuned.

In desperate need to connect to the outside, I even went to the New York Times website. But really I'd like to talk about Batman. By far my favorite comic book character (not that I am well-adversed in comics by any means. perhaps his Hollywood counterparts have always been really good looking in the Batman blockbusters...).

I digress.

Gotham, the city that is central to the Batman comics, is in fact modeled after New York City (likewise, Superman's hometown is known to be Chicago). I can imagine that the heroic equivalent to our fine city would have go-go-gadget snow mobile wheels.

Season's Greetings

December 1st...first snow! My initial thought was, "Shit, it's gonna be a train wreck on the way to The Office..." - my next thought was, "Shit, when did I grow up?" because really, any kid would be zipping up the full-body suit at the first sight of snow.

New month and a fresh start. HookerJones, C-dawg and The Butler have kicked off the holiday season with a cleanse...well, with a few. Yesterday it was an all fruit/fruit juice diet; things got a little tense circa 2pm when HookerJones caught The Butler red-handed with a protein bar:

**wrapper noise**
((HookerJones' keen senses, finely atuned from the recent starvation, registered the sound of the wrapper immediately))

HookerJones: BUTLER - what are you eating??
The Butler: mmff, no-fing! (silence) ...I'm so hungry!

So today they opted for "all natural" which has my vote since they're allowed to drink coffee on this one.

The thing about this time of year: salvaging every moment of your morning. Example: My Homie woke up at 7:33am, and still made it to the coffee maker by 8:05am. HookerJones and The Butler have resorted to evening showers. Lil Thug has a ghost so I'm pretty sure she wastes no time in bouncing out of her apartment. B-fab and C-dawg repped the 9th Floor this morning at the associate meeting with solid sales convictions, the dreary hours have not hindered our performance or our holiday cheer.

And after scraping ice off windows and skating your car through the sludge and snow...coming home to the holiday tv specials makes the commute and 9 hours in a cubicle all worthwhile. Just like my take on the first snow has "matured", so has my taste for seasonal pop culture. There's always a special place in my heart for A Charlie Brown Christmas and The Grinch, but Chevy Chase's Christmas Vacation is the adult classic (and has been for 20 years!!). I guess it's because we don't look at the holidays through a 9-year-old's frosted bedroom window anymore, we see it through our defrosting windshield while sitting in morning traffic. Tsk tsk!

Thank goodness The Office decided to spring for the instant hot cocoa - nostalgia in a mug. And no December in Cubicle Land would be complete without Secret Santa! (now that's more like it.)