Monday, February 28, 2011

Having friends that don't work a 9-5...updates from The Outside.

 Betty I was at the light on 441 where it intersects with Linden Ave
 me:  yes.
Betty This beat up jalopy turning left onto 441 and the entire front end of the car is smashed up so the signal light is blinking while it's dangling out of the bumper.
 me:  hehehehe...jalopy.
 Betty:  I look at the driver and to my surprise I find that it's this black kid operating the vehicle while talking on, not his cell phone, but his walkie-talkie.

And they call me a disaster.

Sunday, February 27, 2011

When the seasons change, we fear the ventilation control.

It's all good when the weather's bad.  And The Office is warmer than your bachelor pad.  Holy controller!

The winter season means cheer! and festive little light bulbs that co-workers string around their cubicle walls.  Maybe even tossed up a little tinsel; hung up hidden mistle toe.  it's fun!  and we're all but clapping each other on the back with the Bailey's in hand.  everyone's happy and up for cozy caroling.

Spring thaw?  FAIL.

FunFetti and I have been sweating out this thaw with a vengance.  Management's efforts to keep everyone comfortable when the mercury plummets has effectively sizzled our sensors.  To the point of dehydration.

If you come down to the 8th, it has NOT been turned into a Cafe Con Piernas (check it chilean style) especially since coffee invoices have been slashed - we're just losing layers on account of ventilation/heat control.  Sparing the sweat pools.  Don't get too excited cuz the dudes outnumber us like 80:2. 

Ay BuckWild - and anyone else on the 9th and 10th floor igloos - fleece blanket is freshly pressed and up for grabs.  Bring your best bribe.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Debating vernacular, must be the meds going to my head.

After listening to "Grenade" by Bruno Mars, and waiting in utter angst for the Shore's new anyone else really misled about the modern connotation of the word 'GRENADE'?


Is Ronnie gonna jump on that gross grenade so Vinnie can score?


Is B-Mars gonna sacrifice it all, jump in front of a train and even catch a grenade to show his pure, fearless love for you?

It's like the ultimate toss up of "they're-so-miserable-i-gotta-black-out-to-make-this-hook-up-okay" VERSUS "i-will-literally-become-pink-mist-before-going-on-without-you"...Like, I can't tell if we're bending over for big daddy's bomb or if it's gonna get intercepted by some tween in the name of bleeding love.

Uh...take cover? Make up your mind, Pop Culture.

There's gotta be a happy, can somebody coin up the powerdriver? spin a sonnet on the Superman? [haha, soulja boi, you tell 'em.]

Now that's hella bomb. bitches.

[sup skank? cuing up your come back. wtf - ftw!]

Cubicle Land; Across State Lines.

A good friend of mine recently graduated (Masters. pshh.) - and officially has a full-time cubicle job. We'll refer to her as JG.

Congrats and welcome to college with a paycheck!!

Fresh-pressed and ready to take on the world! It's awesome knowing that Cubicle Land is omnipresent and exactly the same even across state lines.

Today's quote of the day, courtesy of the newb...
JG: now is the time i wish i had kids to decorate my cube with their stupid artwork
What...mardi gras beads and family portraits aren't getting the job done?? It's cuz she hasn't been Ron'd with a myriad of doodles and underhanded cubicle paraphernalia. Luck of the draw.

JG adds to your daily amusement (and mine) :

...yeah, not sure I get it either??

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Today's Quote of the Day.

FunFetti: "OHhhh. My. god...I wish I had NEVER googled that."

me: "What?"

FunFetti: "...waterbirthing."

Monday, February 21, 2011

Every time a midget rides a scooter...

...hahaha ohhhhhhh man. Only if you're lucky do you know that story. Best. Friday. EVER.

Chalk it up to AC/DC and the XtremeWeave for their statuses du jour:
Dear Mitch, if you’re holding this letter you already know. The house has been boarded up. The doors. The windows. Everything. We’re at the Comfort Inn. Room 112. I love you. Frank
Hello everyone. Look at your status, now back to mine, now back to yours, now back to mine. Sadly, yours isn't mine. But if you stopped posting about other things and made this your status, yours could be like mine. Look down, back up. Where are you? You're on GChat, reading the status that your status could be like.
Oh. And they call me, Tater Salad. HAHAHAHAHA.


[my boy T coming through with this solid, epic vid]

Friday, February 18, 2011

Sports Illustrated Style Watch absolutely just made my morning.

Larry Brown in 1975
...HAHAHAHAHAH tell me your eyes didn't just zero in on that fantastic farmer joe moose knuckle. That is so wrong! Did the team bring pitchforks? Hahahaha...vom. Better yet. Check out the announcers in the background. They just cannot get enough of that. Please, enjoy the rest of the slideshow: photos

By now, if you're like me and work efficiently through the will definitely need a 5 minute break. But you've clicked on the usual sites at least 34 zillion times already this week.

So when you're done thanking God and consumerism for the flat irons and Abercrombie trends of the new millennium, a couple extra treats/links below:

i like you like you.

"rebellion is the only thing that keeps you alive" (annnnnd Decadent Lifestyle which is not suitable for work or small children...but just do it anyways. for me?)

For the 90s kid in all of us.

AND FINALLY, since it's Friday. Go top shelf today...and get it in.

funny gifs

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Lady Dies in Cube (Nobody Notices) and Everything you ever needed to know about Cubicle Land

51-year-old Rebecca Wells
Died at her desk last Friday. Found at her desk on Saturday... (KTLA News)

...not that this isn't my worst nightmare or anything.

Fun-fetti and I are the ONLY two people left on our side of the floor. Coincidentally, The Gang moved up and out. This distance is killing me. It's a ghost town of dead dreams and fried computer towers. We made a promise to check on each other at least every 20 minutes, lest one of us falls victim to scurvy or, passing out and nobody noticing...

Also. Fun-fetti declares from this point forth, daily happenings on the upper floors will be documented and submitted (hereby known as "Fetti-docs"). Jamieson, you are the chosen one. Make that happen.

Barstool Boston hit it home - el pres's write up (click hurr) - weaving his words so effectively; absolutely dripping with disdain and painful truths.

[throw G-babe full credit for dubbing Fun-fetti...from K-swiss because he says, "i bet she doesnt even own a pair!"]

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

In sales, two things you don't discuss are politics and religion...

...but, uh. How much you think those shiny new budget booklets are running us? tax-payer dollars, anyone??? there's gotta be an eco-friendly lobbyist absolutely slitting their wrists right now.

"Boehner Urges Obama to back immediate budget cuts"
Like, geeeez-us mary and joseph.

Somebody get Staples on the line - stat!

Monday, February 14, 2011

Where is the love?

Received text during the Monday Morning Meeting:
"Happy Valentine's Day. I peed the bed."
...sender wishes to remain anonymous. shoot me silly with a cherub's arrows. naturally i made it viral like a Text From Last Night.

ahahahaha. haterz.

Friday, February 11, 2011

Blog well done

behold: funfetti cookies!
Success! New cubemate to the left, Fun-fetti, effectively crushed any/all rookies. Ever.

New to the 8th but not to the cubes, she has read her share of the Chronicles. Although maybe not all the way back to its Vajazzling days...let's not scare the poor girl.

There's only a foam-core wall and un-ending days between us. Jamieson, Fun-fetti and I will be representing (the only three ladies on the floor!) Give it like 20 minutes before we gossip the shit out of Shore, and know all of each other's deepest secrets.

She saw my post on the funfetti cookies and BAM! Look at that delivery. Excellent presentation and wise use of frosting; dash of sprinkles for show. Why yessss, you may stay.

P.S. ...sorry to ruin your Friday but SuperBoots has stomped his last. Left for lunch yesterday and never came back [just kept running, and running, and stomping...]. Hahaha whoopsssss.

It didn't even seem like a good idea at the time.

via Gawker
(Washington Post - Feb 9) Rep. Chris Lee (R-N.Y.) resigned from the House Wednesday evening effective immediately, an announcement that came just hours after a Web site reported that the married congressman had sent a shirtless image of himself to a woman he met on Craigslist.

"I regret the harm that my actions have caused my family, my staff and my constituents," Lee said in a statement announcing his resignation. "I deeply and sincerely apologize to them all. I have made profound mistakes and I promise to work as hard as I can to seek their forgiveness."

...That same day, she got a response from a person who said his name was Christopher Lee, describing himself as 39-year-old lobbyist, "a very fit fun classy guy. Live in Cap Hill area. 6ft 190lbs blond/blue." In follow-up e-mails he attached photos...
"I'm a 39-year-old lobbyist..."  as the alias for a 46-year-old congressman.  Great cover.

T Woods, Brett, I get it.  Textual mishaps.  Big athletes, big egos, big bucks.  Not big brained and not big boned (in Favre's case.) - clearly.  Takes a few months, few years to get the story out.

Then some crackhead congressman puts himself on Craigslist.  Gets caught and resigns within 4 hours.  And did you not see the Craigslist Killer on Lifetime Movie Network??  The 48 Hours special?? IT'S A. TRUE. STORY.

G-babe and I cruise through the 'missed connections' on Craigslist during lunch because they are outrageous.  Last week I was showing my mom because legit crackheads solicit themselves...her response:  "DO NOT EVER RESPOND TO ONE OF THOSE" - seriously??? We just like to laugh hysterically at how much better our lives are than:

Ebony beauty working at marketplace Micky D's - m4w -

[[I see you working behind the counter alot. Do you live there? lol. I guess the same can be said for me. I just come in to see your face. I usually just get dollar menu. We always share a shy smile. I know you smoke because you don't hide the pack very well in your back pocket. I just want to kiss you so badly]]

Pray tell, exactly what kind of tail does one anticipate from Craigslist  booty-calling?

Not to be an ass but, Antoine Dodson said it best, "you ahhh dumb. you ahh sooooo dumb."

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

wednesday pacifier d - I mean - PIZZA day!

sorry kids, mama's busy!

but here's some goods to google:

"reckless abandon" by blink 182 - watch the youtube

funfetti cookies - print recipe and get your betty crocker onnn

rupaul's drag race shake weight short - absolutely die laughing (leoretardation brought to you by j-fizz/suga heads up)

vintage t's - on a random site and do some v-day shopping

computer vision syndrome - (discuss: workers comp v. survival of the fittest)

Mark Sanchez GQ (google images) - uh huhhhhh

do it up (dim) some!

Monday, February 7, 2011

You can't say bomb on an airplane

But you can say bird in the house.

Twice since having moved into the Gingerbread House, we've found dead birds.  Nothing like the apocalyptic amount of birds dropping from the sky in Arkansas.  Dead bird on the back deck.  Cool.  Another dead bird on the front steps.  Awesome.

And just absolutely disgusting.  Ugh it just mean disease and don't even start on the number of cats that it'll attract.  VOM.

So of course on Friday there was a bird on the third floor.  Mother effer scared the living everythinggggggg out of me.  Ramming itself into the windows and blitzing around like a dive bomber.  eeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!  (At the rate it was running into shit, I would make an excellent co-pilot).

Naturally I locked myself in my bathroom, screaming like a 10yr old girl.

Landlord's response to my cry-for-help text was, "OMW".  Forget about the wildlife break-in.  Tell me wtf that even means?  "OMW" = oh my word?  ouch my weiner?  get a grip and use the universal short-hand "OMG" pleaseandthank you.  Terrified, alone, and now just utterly insulted.

GEEEEZZZ-us.  Instead of waiting for the plague, I handled the thing myself.  aka ran around screaming and flailing my arms to assert my status on the food chain of command and let the fire escape open.

Friday, February 4, 2011

Michelle Obama totally has a lazy eye.

the first lady is always dressed to the nines.  nothing but class...

but like come on, right?