Friday, January 28, 2011

it feels like a fisting kind of day.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA - brofist!!!!!!

Right????  fkn right.

[special dedication. you know who you are.]

Well played, Groupon. Well played.

What's greater than spam?  Nothing.  Junk email sucks.  And these days you're punching in your email on every website, redbox, and McDonald's register.  Of course I don't want two-for-one fishsticks.  That's why I have two emails.

Since I've boycotted any website with on of those "first you must enter your email - this is a secure system" boxes that pops up, I've avoided Groupon at all cost.  A stand-off, battle of wills.  Who wants to see all the great meals/deals that they can't budget?  Tease.

I went onto Groupon the other day since my roommate saw a 'great deal' on tickets or something that would take me weeks of can & bottle collecting to afford.  In my moment of weakness/curiousity, I caved.  Enter: email...And didn't even buy that day's deal!

Today's Groupon...$10 FOR $20 AT BEERS OF THE WORLD.

Bought four.

"in high school I got the Coach's Award" - Jamieson...

Since Hankins went to the Jets-Steelers game this weekend without me, I gave him the boot. He's been replaced by Jamieson. The only other female left on this floor of dwindling souls (that's right. J-woww quit. that selfish bitch).
Maybe I'm trying to calm my bruised ego. Actually, Hankins left me. Took over J-woww's cube in the back by the Atrium window. It's prime real estate. And I'm happy for him. I want Hankins to be happy...happily dialing with a frostbitten finger from the game.

Never have I been cube mates with another girl. Mostly because I hate them. Jamieson's cube is bare, her aim at ball toss...well it sucks. And she slouches but at least she doesn't speak out of turn. We get to gossip and girl talk so that's okay but I'm afraid this is like a new-pair-of-shoes type of excitement. I'll have G-babe scuff her up some, since he's in here half the time with me anyways. We'll see what happens when she rages at him. That may actually increase my satisfaction.
Monday began her probationary period - 30 days. And Monday also begins my quitting coffee. For real real this time (not for play play).

Life is going to suck for Jamieson.

Oh. G-babe downed a 2ft pixie stick today in one gulp. Meh. Anti-climactic.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

"That's how it is on this bitch of an earth" - S.B.

Ever tried.

Ever failed.

No matter.

Try again.

Fail again.

Fail better.

- Samuel Beckett -

Today. Pauly-C hit up my extension. Simply put. That's all I needed.

dusting off the old headset.

"You don't mind if I have you get back on the phones for the afternoon, do you?"

I mean...this wasnt exactly the promotion i was expecting.


Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Whose brilliant idea was MeatWater?

 Void?  Void of what.  Oh so the 'meat' fills a 'void'?  And all of the sudden; BANG, you're full?  Of what.  Solid protein and some Vitamin D?

(these people so need to hire me.)

But when all else fails.  Take a big [hard] gulp of meatwater.  Fresh from the loins of Mother Nature.

Big and beefy and hearty.  Don't forget to swallow. joke, meatwater is a legit product.  flavors include: grilled chicken salad, poached salmon, steak whatever.

This is obviously just the dark underside of Betty's gymnastified project.  Or the New England Patriots' training regiment.  ZING.

Everything will soon make perfect sense.

Saturday, January 15 - travel with family to meet Grandma Shadds/Tony, Aunt Nina, Cousins Joe & Jon in Ithaca for dinner. This is our special post-holiday tradition to gather, exchange gifts, and say happy birthday to Gma Shadds. For Christmas, Gma Shadds gifted me three (3) very significant objects: a cross to hang in my apartment (God is very important.), money (money makes the world go 'round), and leather gloves (J Crew, to complete my young professional winter outerwear ensemble). Yes. Make note of those.

Sunday - Monday - Tuesday - gear up for big week. Moving onward and upward! Big things this year.

Toss quick post up about growing anticipation for new laptop (btw. it's incredible.) - you may remember this. You may have been dismally staring at it for the past week.

I DIGRESS! Here's where shit gets interesting:
*most of you will find great amusement in the reality of such ridiculous misfortunes. rest assured. they are all painfully veritable tales*

Wednesday, January 19 - warm weather from Tuesday turns into icy conditions for early-morning commute to gym...especially the early-morning commute down twisty, dark Panorama Trail. I hit black ice and proceed to spin out of control, a solid 270 degrees all the way across the road and backing up onto the bank. Backing up onto a tree that is kindly propping me up, half of car dangling over the ravine. Awesome.

Immediately text J-fizz, "Can't make it. Spun off road." She calls and offers help, ride, etc. Other gym-goers offer the same. But Officer Steve Williams happens to be driving past and stays with me til Mr. Handy Tow Man named Fritz can yoink my little Honda from death's grasps.

somehow, I manage

I am able to drive away unscathed. I still go work out, text bosses that I will only be thirty minutes late (oh yeah, go me.).

Go to apartment and get ready for the day. Sun is shining and I have my Dunkin in hand. Leave apartment and approach car...SOME EFFING JERKOFF HAS HIT MY DRIVER'S SIDE TAIL LIGHT; SMASHED IT AND SCRAPED THEIR UGLY GREEN PAINT ALONG MY CAR. And fled the scene. Mother. Fucker.

Shitty driving, shitty driving conditions. Okay. That's one thing. But if you drive into some one's car and leave it for their insurance to deal with, then I only wish for your engine to drop out and transmission to combust in the middle of the thruway during rush hour traffic. After you've run over your dog.

I end up going to work, proceed to freak out. It's not even 9am...boss gives me the green light to leave. Day is spent doing much more fulfilling things like visiting Mrs. H and J-fizz/her chilluns.

Thursday, January 20 - J-woww quits. Before 10am. Hankins ditches me and vultures her cube by 11am.

Friday, January 21 - new cubemate Jamieson moves in. Meet family out for dinner. LOSE ONE OF THE LEATHER GLOVES THAT GRANDMOTHER HAS GIFTED ME. This is why we can't have nice things.

Saturday, January 22 - lock self away in solitary confinement, remove all sharp objects from vicinity.

Sunday, January 23 - 3:40am miss call from J-fizz...3:41am answer call from J-fizz. [This is a very important call. This is a very special, very exciting day. Her little baby girl is born at 8:39am. Hello world :) ] I spend the day chillin with/watching over her other chilluns. My brother is a very good brother to bring me coffee. Lots of coffee.

Monday, January 24 - back at work. This is boring. I am fried.

Tuesday, January 25 - I have developed a plan. Betty would say, gymnastify. Jamieson would say, get it in. I would just say, commission friends to guest me at their gyms for the next month so that I can get my sweat on and assess the locations for their choice/taste in muscle men (keeping an eye on form, pace, etc)...of course I always have a lot to say.

I think that I am incredibly clever with this fun experiment. BuckWild is my first proponent. BuckWild bails last minute. G-babe says Five Guys Burgers and Barnes & Noble after gym (obviously, I'm in.). G-babe will sign me in. Somehow I find the wrong parking lot, then I think that I am exiting wrong parking lot.

Nope. Curb >>> snowbank.

G-babe must assemble handy Eddie Bauer shovel to dig me out. He laughs. But I assure him we will probably get food poisoning later from dining together. Skip gym. Straight to burgers/books.


oh. and i saw a man jerking off outside the parking garage on my way to work this morning.

AND THAT IS WHERE THE HELL I'VE BEEN. Some guardian angel earned their wings.

In sum: I am broke (bye-bye Christmas coin). I ruin things (back to my $2 hobo gloves and oh btw how much longer on my car's lease?). But! I survived, and like...I think it's pretty amusing (say prayers every day).

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

just you waitttt! seriously you have no idea.


please prepare yourselves for the epic proceeding/inaugural assault of Cubicle Land via the new diggs.

My keys are simply teeming with tales of dining debauchery (ugly sweaters & sexy skechers), Star Wars baked goods (Ace of Cakes meet your makerrrr), pop culture grievances, sauced up sanchez smack talk (and Hankins scoring tickets to the AFC Championship game...sleep with one eye open and no I'm not paying you back that $5 out of sheer spite), and cold call conundrum a la Colby.

While you are dying for updates - check the only thing that quells epic ADD and the thought of wasting 9hrs of one's life motionless/mindless in front of an HP monitor.

this guardian blog is pretty impressive actually. do it up some, son!

Sunday, January 16, 2011

i whip my hair. back. and. forth.

photo by: Adam Hunger/Reuters

taking the Pats 28-21.
sup suga.

hahahahahahahaha.  even i didn't think that'd happen.

and i break for sanchez.  hard.

how we think the monday morning meeting gonna go?  we know the big guy lurrrvs him some pats/belichick.  some of "the underdog always wins" coupled with "never get comfortable".  can't wait for that rampage.

it's gonna be a great week.

so enough of the foot fetish.  double dream hands?

[holla at swolf for this ridic vid]

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Love this link so hard.

Commenter of posts, Cinemaphile, absolutely killed it with this link.  
Most links I get and send are junk.  But:

Yes, yes yesssss.  800,000 times yes.

It's about to get really inappropriate (and by that I mean "politically correct" and "wholesome")

Thank you, StoolLaLa, for rendering me inept.  All hail "Chase No Face"

[Chase No Face has a blog.]

Let me break it down.  This is a cat that was in an accident as a kitten.  Therefore it only has three legs and, oh yeah it's fkn face is melted off like a cyborg.

And I'm speechless, still absolutely hysterical over the fact that there are pictures ALL OVER THE INTERNET OF THIS AWFUL CREATURE.  I hate cats.  Not really a secret.  Get them away from me or it's getting an Ugg to the ribcage.  But Chase No Face - damnit, J-woww and I were in fits of tears over Chase No Face.  Our joy was effectively sickening to Jamieson.

But Jamieson's grandfather "invented the modern way to give a dog a hysterectomy".



So we're even.

UCSB Old Spice Spoof and now we’re talking the talk

Look at this fly Old Spice Spoof: UCSB Basketball. The Gauchos host UC Irvine on Thursday, Jan. 13 and UC Riverside on Saturday, Jan. 15.  Diggin this so hard right now

Oh wordddd.  Can I get an amen for PP, HookerJones??

Hell yeah I’m streaming UCSB’s match ups this week! By the way, who else didn’t know that Old Spice Guy was a washed up NFL practice team player? Straight up smug jerk but I totally dig him.

Whatever. UCSB kid has got game. I’m all a-twitter from this epic wit [take that down King James]

Tuesday, January 11, 2011


too. stinkin. cute.

this is a top-trending vid. making its way across the world. father raising his two little girls and working his way through college.

i'm impressed.  and apparently i have a soul.

Take this down.

And what did we learn in Cubicle Land today?  That there are only two ways to succeed in Corporate America. 

Better kiss ass or start kicking it.

Also.  By complete and arbitrary coincidence, the world is ending on May 25, 2011.  But today is 1.11.11 - and news sources everywhere say that there is absolutely NOTHING significant about this numeral/date phenomenon {J-woww threatened to make it memorable.  and she better mean some deep fried buff-chik wontons.  ham-less please.}.

Seriously though, this cannot be right.  Somebody get me Quasimodo-frodo up in here. Stat!

uh....p.s.  hot pocket.


Monday, January 10, 2011

HAVE A NICE DAY ... xoxoxo, Your BFFs at the fkn FBI

Office of Personnel Management: Investigative Services

Just yesterday my mom asked if I could get in trouble for the SuperBoots post...

I mean, maybe? Not for nothing. They put us through an entire semester of business/cyber law in college [slander is spoken, written is liable]. I even went on to tutor for the class, so I have an idea of what not to do. Give a girl some cred, yo!

Plus, all that jazz in "Enter: SuperBoots" would be - and probably will be - said to his face. Shamelessly.


>> see how it says "HAVE A NICE DAY 1/7/11" - does that mean that was the last and only day that would be 'nice to have' from this point on??

Perhaps there were a few uncouth statements quoted in "Enter: SuperBoots". But don't you think hitting up the FBI is a little extreme?

Geeeeez, thinking that 2011 was a new leaf or at least not the type of leaf that could be mistaken for illegalities. Seems like shit is already up in smoke. Cuz now Hankins has had me laid out in a cube coma/down for the count from a chew and the FBI is on my ace for wtf knows what.

So I spotted the letter. From the freaking FBI. Instantly panic, started shaking uncontrollably. Shouted out "DID ANYONE SEE THIS???"...receiving only blank stares from parents. Come to find it's just a background check for one of my college bffs, Amangela...
Hahahaha ohhhhh.  You mean the crackwhore who got me sh*t-faced for the first time ever (vom. everywhere in front of the dorm, then let that burn-out Shane rub my back while my face was in a trashcan full of shattered glass pointing up at me)?? You mean the very ho-bag who is the lynchpin of my freshman year debaucheries, and most subsequent debaucheries (in no particular order...Niagara Falls 2006, surprise visit 2007, Halloween 2008 and the epic bumble bee plane ride of shame, etc, etc...)??
Cuz not for nothing, I was very very well behaved otherwise. But there's always that one friend that brings out the best/worst in you...
HA. That 'official & time-sensitive' FBI letter was just a fill-in-the-blank formality. She listed me as a reference, obvi.

((Hell yeah I know that bitch. Where do I sign?))

Mark Sanchez sink it in! *cue spirit fingers*


check out the fat white guy...posts have been effectively dominated by the jolly green jets; wall completely assaulted. chea mutha fkas!

Oh yeah and here's the video of my brother aka The Ogre - grooving to his favorite jam "single ladies" by beyond.

Mr. Penfield Part II: the performance

An entire Saturday night well spent. Miss Diva himself is ready for the cheddar. ps bro...spare the rod and spoil the...well, everyone, and invest in some spandex.

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Enter: SuperBoots

I really hate to do this...

but, I kinda really don't.

SuperBoots. You're all gonna need a briefing:

SuperBoots was new to the department like 2 months ago. Tall, looming man - the dark and handsome type. Deep husky voice and a sly, yet comforting, little grin. Definitely played football. Totally cut out for sales...he's got a swagger; this charm. Very much like a politician. But incidentally (much like a politician) - he's fkn shithead. Lying, cheating, slimy.

On the phones he says stuff like "no-no-no-no-nooo" or "right-right-right-riiight" (rapid, almost like a stutter to give one the impression that he is listening to their concerns, but really his ears are turned off...he doesn't care and he's just gonna try crushing you.)

Thing is, I wanna like him. I really, really do. There's an energy about him that's just, I dunno yo! But then he opens his mouth and it's like $%**)$%&@#$^*ER!

The guy LOVES Superman. He's got a wife and two kids yet the only thing in his cubicle is a miniature figurine of Superman. I think he also has a tattoo...which is hysterical. When he's retired and in a home, those nurses are gonna be screaming down the hall, "HEY BEV! SUPA-MAN NEEDS A NEW BED PAN!" hahahahahahaha, laugh it up chuckles.

He has lines and lines and lines of rehearsed excuses. You offer him help on how you would have handled the call or suggest to him a certain "lets do this" sales technique, and all the sudden it's like you have accused him of stealing from the Toys for Tots donation box. Like ughhhhh dude - just shut up and listen and learn. Lies to clients. Lies to management. But gets away with it by playing dumb and by telling 'em, "I really tried hard for that one, he told me his partner would be on the call. Mannn I think he lied to me."

Oh yeah and he wears army boots. Big stomping and clomping machines that don't match any of his wrinkly work pants. Misery.

Usually after 2 months, I've gotten over my initial hate for the new guy/girl and start appreciating their quirks. Tone down the hazing. Everybody deserves a chance, right? Then he goes ahead and tells me, "Anybody would want to work under you..." [oh, so your wife then?? dickwad.]

Yeahhh so today we were cube-chatting about the plaguing of dead birds in Arkansas and those thousands of fish belly-up in a pond somewhere else in the USA. Blahblahblah - the world is going to end - blahblahblah - conspiracy theory.

SuperBoots spoke up.
"Now, my brother-in-law has a very level head. Never worries about this stuff or buys into any of that world-is-ending crap."
Intrigued, we all kinda quieted. SuperBoots continued,
"Yeah and he was telling me how there must have been a UFO, either hidden or cloaked with some sort of invisibility shield. Cuz you know, those birds had crushed bones from impact of sorts. It must've been hovering and the flock of birds either passed out from radiation or flew into the craft unknown."

dead. serious. And I almost threw up blood.

Mrs. Munger's Cubicle Land

Ummmm epiphany.

Cubicle Land is exactly like the short Mrs. Munger's Class [simmer class!  simmerrrr].


If the 90s were your stomping grounds, then you know beyond a shadow of a doubt that Disney's One Saturday Morning gave you a preview of twenty-something life.

Name tags - separated by thin barriers - everyone shouting immature things - detention.

Yup.  Cubicle Land [except The Boss Man...he's way scarier than Mrs. Munger's beehive; and note-passing is replaced by gchat].

ughhhhh i love it so hard.  gonna continue loving that decade on Those Were The 90s.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

All marvel at my Google prowess.

You may not know this.  But I have a gift.

In college we had a research day that required for one of my MGMT classes. Ensue an entire 80 minutes of lecture from the dusty librarian man.  He put this small curved object on the podium - travel size  and the first person to give him the proper term for the object would win.



I didn't think anything of it then.  Whatever.  Google that shit, get a certificate.

But now?  Hit me up with whatever - Need a reverse phone number look up?  I'll GTS that and correlate the findings with a church bulletin.  Results within 15 minutes (don't ask).  Master of my craft.

So today:

Ne-Yo: I hereby now commission you to provide me a service...
>> find a website dedicated to Auto-Correct mishaps 
if such a site exists not, create it 
with a "what was sent vs. what was meant" column

me: ha i'm sure that exists 
and that it's epic


me: i'll do my darndest

Ne-Yo: I'm scouring 
with no luck 

me: really?

Ne-Yo: you're more connected than I am

me: it's true. i've got a gift

Ne-Yo: I'm anxiously awaiting your results

me: give me 5 minutes

Sent at 3:11 PM on Wednesday

me: you're welcome:

Sent at 3:16 PM on Wednesday

Ne-Yo: I didn't see a series of text messages lol

me: you didn't specify

Ne-Yo:yes I did! 
auto correct mistakes!

Sent at 3:19 PM on Wednesday

me: bitches i'm ill. 

That's right.  Bitches I'm ill.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

apparently the post "Welcome!" doesn't want to load.

That's what I get for jamming up the Palm OS software.

The picture J-woww and G-babe were missing out on:

Yop.  You know where to find me.

Random firings [of a thoughtless mind.]

>>> Wanna know what goes on inside muh br@insss????

Cube chat - the guys were discussing Brett Favre's latest lawsuit against him.  two massage therapists came forward with stories, Jamieson was weighing in with a female perspective.  saying that the ladies were probably flirting with Favre and welcoming his attention... aka putting out.  [welp, saw a pic of those chicks.  could they be pissed he maybe shot them down??  woof.  truth hurts.]

Kanye West's 'Monster' - new music video leaked last Wednesday [i'm thinkin, right??? this song is straight up stunner.  just sweet effin beats.  music video... an epic let down.  except Nicki Minaj.  she's growing on me.  girl can spit lines.  and youtube already blocked it anyways...but the probably better that it leaked - nobody would have watched it unless it were contraband.  Sesame Street parody of it was sweet though.  hahaha do it right Cookie Monster holler!]

Organizational Change? - [hierarchy begets anarchy...discuss!]

Found an article on why women in their 20s gain weight.  Says they become sedentary or something - [sorry that a 40-hr work week is too demanding?  bull bull BULL.  chances are you're not married and your job doesn't make you enough money to drink more than 2 martinis per weekend.  break it down this way: get your ass off the couch and hit the gym or the streets 3 days out of the week.  quit bitching.  and supplement it with a little coital cardio on the weekends.  see? porker problem solved.  cookie please!]

Tron Guy's homemade costume...[ahahaha. shut. the. front. door.]

There ya have it.  They took me off the phones two months ago.  I never said that was a bad thing.


Bam.  Right on.

Bingo Fever.

Bingo fever is catching on like wild fire!  I've tried intervention like 8 times - Hankins definitely has a gambling problem.  Non-stop.  That fantasy foozeball.  But bingo is something that is totally okay.


Ice fruit, monkeys, seals...hotdogs, nacho cheese, no don't even want to know the scene that J-fizz and I brave.  And still  no coin!  Try sitting next to some w.t. toothless fairy mowwing down a Zweigles sauced in cheez whiz...wearing Elmo Pajamas.  OOOOhhhh nooooo.  Hankins goes to see Abu Dhabi at the Qwik-E-Mart and thumbs his way to a 200% return on investment.

Realllll cool Hankins.  Ya jerk.  But hey, he's gonna let me try dip!  Sorry Dad all the cool kids do it.  Didn't you hear that the world is ending in 5 months anyways?

Is this little guy not so pumped for the new year??

Uhhhh. I want his life. Be bouncing - no, BOUNDING around like a lil Mexican jumping bean [insert 'beaner' joke here]. This little guy is absolutely loving life. So hard.

Okay. So here's the thing. I don't do much web surfing. Unless the mood (or random J-fizz text message) strikes me. And I'm terrified that my history is being tracked and that the wall sockets are aliens...joking.

I digress.

At 12pm last Thursday, J-woww (not to be confused with J-fizz) awoke me from the cube coma for a little fresh air and errands with PaulyC. Btw. That's when every businessman ever is running errands. Hope that your GPS isn't on the fritz. PaulyC stopped at the insurance place and picked us up some complimentary calendars. Some sort of traditional marketing that companies still waste their advertising budgets on. Like foam stress ball stars. Instead of immediately marking my birthday, I flipped through to find any/all possible legal vacation days. Get ready for a penguin happy feet dance - Christmas Eve is on a Saturday!

Ah yes. So angular and aesthetically appropriate for all cubies' needs.

The 2:43pm entertainment that gets one through the 2:30 feeling...
J-fizz: May 21 2011 End of world is coming. If you're still around then you were not save. Join the revolution. I am. HA.

me: Wait. WTF.

J-fizz: Seriously. It's all over the web. You better get down and dirty. You have five months.

me: Watch me not get saved. Hard.
Ahhh, got me reflecting. And planning...

So some of the girls came over for sushi/vino tonight. In the name of the new year, and perhaps the Jubilation or whatever, Betty and I were able to recover a long lost email from August of 2010 - a 'for your entertainment' type reading ensued for HP, AshCash, and George. HAHAHAHAHA facial assault, debauchery=from-hell type of epic mortification. Notch!

2011. Let's DO this - [insert penguin jig hurrrr].

Monday, January 3, 2011

blahblahblah-BIG BROTHER-blahblahblah-GIRD YOUR LOINS

All employees will notice a small increase in federal tax
withholdings in their paychecks in 2011. Your first pay check that will be
affected by this is on January 14th.

Happy New Year!


Welp.  Could be worse.  We could be getting the email warning about the Hep A scare after Christmas communion...[see article].  Face it.  You know that the jerk who contaminated the holy watering hole probably only goes to church on Christmas and Easter.  Suckkkk.