Sunday - Monday - Tuesday - gear up for big week. Moving onward and upward! Big things this year.
Toss quick post up about growing anticipation for new laptop (btw. it's incredible.) - you may remember this. You may have been dismally staring at it for the past week.
I DIGRESS! Here's where shit gets interesting:
*most of you will find great amusement in the reality of such ridiculous misfortunes. rest assured. they are all painfully veritable tales*
Wednesday, January 19 - warm weather from Tuesday turns into icy conditions for early-morning commute to gym...especially the early-morning commute down twisty, dark Panorama Trail. I hit black ice and proceed to spin out of control, a solid 270 degrees all the way across the road and backing up onto the bank. Backing up onto a tree that is kindly propping me up, half of car dangling over the ravine. Awesome.
Immediately text J-fizz, "Can't make it. Spun off road." She calls and offers help, ride, etc. Other gym-goers offer the same. But Officer Steve Williams happens to be driving past and stays with me til Mr. Handy Tow Man named Fritz can yoink my little Honda from death's grasps.
 |
| somehow, I manage |
I am able to drive away unscathed. I still go work out, text bosses that I will only be thirty minutes late (oh yeah, go me.).
Go to apartment and get ready for the day. Sun is shining and I have my Dunkin in hand. Leave apartment and approach car...SOME EFFING JERKOFF HAS HIT MY DRIVER'S SIDE TAIL LIGHT; SMASHED IT AND SCRAPED THEIR UGLY GREEN PAINT ALONG MY CAR. And fled the scene. Mother. Fucker.
Shitty driving, shitty driving conditions. Okay. That's one thing. But if you drive into some one's car and leave it for their insurance to deal with, then I only wish for your engine to drop out and transmission to combust in the middle of the thruway during rush hour traffic. After you've run over your dog.
I end up going to work, proceed to freak out. It's not even 9am...boss gives me the green light to leave. Day is spent doing much more fulfilling things like visiting Mrs. H and J-fizz/her chilluns.
Thursday, January 20 - J-woww quits. Before 10am. Hankins ditches me and vultures her cube by 11am.
Friday, January 21 - new cubemate Jamieson moves in. Meet family out for dinner. LOSE ONE OF THE LEATHER GLOVES THAT GRANDMOTHER HAS GIFTED ME. This is why we can't have nice things.
Saturday, January 22 - lock self away in solitary confinement, remove all sharp objects from vicinity.
Sunday, January 23 - 3:40am miss call from J-fizz...3:41am answer call from J-fizz. [This is a very important call. This is a very special, very exciting day. Her little baby girl is born at 8:39am. Hello world :) ] I spend the day chillin with/watching over her other chilluns. My brother is a very good brother to bring me coffee. Lots of coffee.
Monday, January 24 - back at work. This is boring. I am fried.
Tuesday, January 25 - I have developed a plan. Betty would say, gymnastify. Jamieson would say, get it in. I would just say, commission friends to guest me at their gyms for the next month so that I can get my sweat on and assess the locations for their choice/taste in muscle men (keeping an eye on form, pace, etc)...of course I always have a lot to say.
I think that I am incredibly clever with this fun experiment. BuckWild is my first proponent. BuckWild bails last minute. G-babe says Five Guys Burgers and Barnes & Noble after gym (obviously, I'm in.). G-babe will sign me in. Somehow I find the wrong parking lot, then I think that I am exiting wrong parking lot.
Nope. Curb >>> snowbank.
G-babe must assemble handy Eddie Bauer shovel to dig me out. He laughs. But I assure him we will probably get food poisoning later from dining together. Skip gym. Straight to burgers/books.
...
oh. and i saw a man jerking off outside the parking garage on my way to work this morning.
AND THAT IS WHERE THE HELL I'VE BEEN. Some guardian angel earned their wings.
In sum: I am broke (bye-bye Christmas coin). I ruin things (back to my $2 hobo gloves and oh btw how much longer on my car's lease?). But! I survived, and like...I think it's pretty amusing (say prayers every day).
I.
ReplyDeleteYou got to meet up with the fam,
(And got some solid swag from Gram)
On a fine wintry Upstate afternoon.
Then and there, you sure could tell
That this year was gonna go so swell
But, hmmm... you may have judged a tad too soon.
The week started off the same
With no excitement or acclaim
'Til hump-day unleashed its mighty wrath.
In the morning like the rest-
Out of bed and quickly dressed-
Then trudging off and down your house's snowy path.
II.
Though the gym was the target stop,
Your tires met some slippery black top
And you felt yourself careen a big off course.
Until your Honda jolted to a halt
(No thanks to plows or roadway salt)
You checked your vital signs and surveyed the scene.
As you attempted to get out
You released a startled shout
You see, your car was hanging off of a ravine.
Officer Williams stood and sputtered
"meh, I've had worse." you muttered
And you hit the speed dial on your cell
As you listened for the tone,
wondered if you could be car-accident prone
(I suppose that only time will tell)
I'm sure your parents would have bawled
But it wasn't them you called
As the tow truck guy answered on the second ring
"Hi Fritz, it's me again"
"Oh, Nicole! Just give me 5-10,
I trust it is my tow-truck I should bring?"
Rather quickly, you were pulled out
Of the snowplow's rather stout
Pile of ice and snow and miscellaneous debris
Still hit the gym (cause you're a champ)
The back out into the cold and damp
Headed home with a stop off for coffee.
III.
Dressed and late to work
You discover that some HUGE jerk
Has scraped his ride all along your car.
Unfurling a fiery yell
"GODDAMNIT ALL TO HELL!-
I will find you! Whoever the F*@# you are!"
Finally! you reach your throne among the cubes
To rule the stupid corporate boobs
A queen amongst the mighty office fray
Until a coworker retorts
"you need new covers on your TPS Reports"
Just go ahead and fucking make my day!
ab-so-lutely. epic.
ReplyDelete