Monday, September 26, 2011

Did I say it was an 'extra-large coffee' day?

Right.  By 'extra-large coffee' day, I meant to say 'pick up round two by lunch.'

Today was a lot of paper work.  I even had to sign off on who would be the beneficiary for my life insurance.  I put my brother and sister down, to split it 50/50. 

Then I texted both of them: "If I die.  You get my life insurance $.  Cool?"

Brother respondsYou shouldn't have told me that ;)

Sister responds [separately]Wonderful!  I figured I would get everything but L.I. is cool with me.  Do you have a disease or something?

Since neither of them read Cubicle Land, they won't know that they're splitting it.  But since I plan on sticking around, it shouldn't really be a problem.

However.  Since both of my parents do indeed read Cubicle Land, they will undoubtedly tell both Brother&Sister about this when they're both in town this weekend for Homecoming.  (and they will do so because I didn't give them any shares.  well bitch, saddle up cuz Lucky's callin' the shots now.)

Oh yeah the Buffalo Bills beat the Patriots in overtime.

Cubicle Land: the epic return

Today is one of those days that you get the extra-large coffee.  With extra-everything.

Today, I return to Cubicle Land.

With the new hire's agenda in hand, and a deadened look in my eyes, I go forth towards the threshold of my Hell.  After having been out of the office for 2 months and 28 days, it's safe to say that my wit is dull and my caffeine tolerance is low.  For now.

Pam (we'll just call her...Pam.) was in touch last week.  There is a cube ready and waiting for me.  This first day will be new hire orientation.  It's called 'on-boarding'.  This company may actually be legit.

But as they try to sell me on the higher premium benefits and bribe me with free lunch, at least this time I know to take the cheapest package (so I can max out those pay stubs) and to avoid the chicken salad pita (at all costs).

Right?? This isn't my first rodeo.

Who the hell is meeting me for happy hour.

Thursday, September 22, 2011

13.1...DONE! chea!

THERE'S THE PROOF - our little bibs with the nice little numbers and everything.  For some reason, we are all smiling.  Right?  There is no better way to spend $50 and a hangover.

But we MADE IT! Thanks to J-fizz, Gracie, and our fine find: Sizzle the sixty-year-old. 

 I'm getting a lifesize of this one: 

hey, i look like i belong! go me.
(don't lie, this DEFINITELY turns you on.)

They say that thongs lead to babies.

Today I was the test victim/dummy for a massage/chiropractor...hereby referred to as Jelly Bean ("Beans" for short.)

Beans instructed me to lose the layers once everyone was out of the room.  And then to hop on the table, cover myself with the sheet, and get ready for my shining moment.

Don't fret, they let me keep my sports bra and underwears.

But when someone tells you that you'll be in your skivvies...on a front of three shave your legs (immediately!) and pick out your finest undies (carefully!).

Well WTF!!!!  That was the Wednesday night dilemma.  My gym stuff is gross.  Thongs are out.  And do people still own granny-panties?  I don't.  So hopefully the audience didn't mind a few slutty bowties.


A friend was at the gyno.  Every Girl Ever has to give a pee-pee sample at their yearly.  So this friend collected her sample in the bathroom, but there was no paper to be found...paper towels, toilet paper, paper mache...nada.

So she reached into her purse and grabbed a quick Kleenex with which to swab.  Every Girl Ever has an extra stash for emergencies.

Thinking herself so resourceful, she threw her heels up in the stirrups.  Her gyno came in, went in...and came up: "Um, are these yours?"

...he found some stamps.  stuck to her cooch.

Kleenex fail.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Saddle up, Sally!

...what, this doesn't turn you on?

We call this grit-n-bear-it marathon training.  Oh, ohhh boy.

Squirrel bit it before the jackpot. Laughter ensued.

J-fizz and I have been hardcore training for the Half Marathon.  And by that I mean: we walk a lot.  Convo can get real intense when you're making strides next to someone for 3 hours at a time.  We almost didn't know what to make of this:
so close, yet so far.
Shit! This poor little guy didn't stand a chance.  Lesson learned: never pass up dessert or second helpings.

God Bless the USA!

*j-fizz with the awesome photo find*

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

And on the other hand, you have different fingers.

SEE WHAT I DID THERE?  Damnit.  I have not laughed this hard since JennaMay got the coach's award.  For all those random firings at The Office: know that you were not part of the are the SOLUTION!

Don't Have Anything In Your Mouth 10 Minutes Prior...

Photo Courtesy of imgur

As the interview process goes, these days they get a little more invasive. Everyone has different preferences for probing.

I was summoned for a drug test.  A nice HR girl called, set up a time that would be 'convenient' for me. 

The nice HR girl said okay, great.  The nice HR girl said see you then.  And her last words were:

Don't Have Anything In Your Mouth 10 Minutes Prior.

...well, that changes things.  How far deep we talkin?  Is this a 'speak-up-now-or-forever-hold-your-peace' kind of thing??  And can I plead the 5th...?

j-fizz, fist pump

Monday, September 5, 2011

Nanny Land? All in a Day's Work.

How was your long weekend?  Did your day off suck because of the prolonged office dread?  Thinking about cramming five days' worth of crap into four?

Everyone here in Nanny Land is sending warm wishes - obviously we have just saved your day!!  Check out Lil Miss Batman working the mirror...and Mini Superman is cheesing hard core.  My hands are full with Little Lady A, kills me with that smile.

This is our way of saying: there is hope after quadrilateral prison.

See where some of Cube Land's finest have ended up...

J-woww - Major upgrades come in studio apartments, an office, a job with a monthly car/gas stipend, and true love (a dog...literally.)

Kid Colby - Living the life out west as a restauranteur and thriving twenty-something, kicking it in the Rockies.

HookerJones - Hooking at an old folks' IT UP and hooking the geriatrics IN!

BuckWild - Fresh from the other side!  Onward and upward and hey, a month to hang out with me!  Until the Department of Labor starts hounding her ace.  Bust out the mini umbrellas and make me a bloody mary, betch. know what?  It's been a while since I've checked my horoscope.