Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Ants Marching

The ants go marching one-by-one hoorah. hoorah.

Everyone else in the company has the day-off. day-off.

Literally, the only people in The Office are ELL Sales.

So instead of kicking back, we are kicking it up and starting off 2010 the right way. Because while everyone is napping, painting their nails, shopping for their New Years outfit, catching up on SportsCenter, the 9th and 10th floors are busy getting ahead.

Consider the traditional pig-in-a-blanket: a meat and rice mixure, combined and rolled in a cabbage leaf - slow-cooked in V8 juice and tomato sauce. See how much more cultured we all are now (thanks to My Homie). Whoever is out of The Office is that much further behind.

But if we did decide to reward ourselves with the afternoon off, nobody would be around to stop us.

Set up for success. Set up your goals.

Received a call today from a random number...(no dude, I'm not Javier). I politely informed the little foreign man that he had the wrong number. He called again. And of course, third time's the charm. Pepe - take a hint!

Reflecting on this year: Louis thanks for a great 6 months at The Office...and thanks for not yelling at my terrified, struggling twenty-something self. And thanks for the shots of Maker's Mark - oops!

Marching, marching. Time to smile and dial.

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Staring Contest with the Cube Wall

If you know what you're worth, then go out and get what you're worth.

....and shake whatcha momma gave ya.

I hate those days where you feel like you're in a constant caffeine crash. When that short-lived, irritating sensation that one normally experiences circa 2:30pm is sustained throughout the day. Result: puffy eyes, slight head-ache, drooling, and extremely short temper (but hilarity factor quadruples).

My eyes are also going cross when I blink.

I could go for a massage. Or as C-dawg would have it, a full-hour tickle. wtf.

While Upper Management and all other departments are enjoying a day off tomorrow, I'll be contemplating my future and goals for 2010. aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

oops. that was actually the result of me falling asleep at my desk/keyboard. good thing my phone rang.

Monday, December 28, 2009

On the Market

Fish market. Stock market. Cube market?

Maybe I'm just The Office's secret weapon - weeding out the weaklings. The cube across from me is empty. Sorry New Guy, we had a good run.

Looks like once again, NLSts is on the prowl. This time it's for a new podmate. At least the situation has potential, provided that HR follows the specific guidelines from the Inner Office Memo.

In light of the up-coming holiday, tis the season for new outfits and accessories. The Butler telephoned a local shoe store to inquire about their selection of gold heels. Friendly Shoe Store Lady was quite rude and blunt during their 30 second exchange.

So we had Chi-chetti ring Friendly Shoe Store Lady, "Hi. Do you have any black shoes?" HookerJones suggested he call back asking for silver sparkling heels - in men's. Incidentally this amused me for a solid 30 minutes. Incidentally this is not that funny. BuckWild suggested asking for Dick Licker. That could be interesting. Playing Chuck, Fuck, or Marry? during lunch today was much more exciting.

Because the events in my life cease to entertain: my sister is moving back home. Now, I'm hardly a struggling twenty-something. Living at home hasn't completely crushed my soul.

But here's how I evaluate the under-aged invader: my sister's 19. she's just having fun. everyone takes a different path and honestly, college isn't for everyone. she's a good kid. she'll figure it out. thing is, she had a scholarship. thing is, she partied hard and studied not hard and is subsequently no longer eligible for her scholarship. naturally she's being rewarded with a car.

And when Ma and Pa start to get insecure about the fact that their middle child is now attending (God forbid.) college!....guess who'll be the one they'll tear down to build themselves up?

Understand that when I'm a parent, I may do the same exact things that my parents do. I may have that "ah-ha" moment of understanding and inner peace where unrelenting empathy will settle in and EVERYTHING that my parents have EVER done will suddenly make sense. Again, that's entirely hypothetical. Right now I'm 22...I'm the entitled, selfish first-born; and the whole thing seems pretty effed up. Couldn't pick me up on the side of the highway when my car broke down but, please, reward her failures.

Housing market - anyone?

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Spreading Christmas Cheer


...or by wearing your apple-bottoms and boots with the furrrr. Personally, a touch of Bailey's does the trick.

Cube Chat

RockyRacoon: "B-fab, did you booty drop?"

((see Drop It Low - Ester Dean (feat. Chris Brown) ))

Alas since I'm without any liquer for my morning cup of coffee, I'll have to settle for some classic xmas tunes. Christmas with the Rat Pack and Vince Guaraldi's Charlie Brown Christmas. Later we'll throw it down with Lady Gaga and Cobra Starship.

Please, while you dish out your spare change today to the Salvation Army bucket, consider HookerJones' new fund. Drop a dime in the Plastic Surgery Fund at her cube - it's more of a security fund.

Merry Christmas/Happy Hanukkah/Happy Kwanza/Merry Festivus

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Last Ditch

Why is it that a headset makes me feel more official? It's like the Italian in me has taken over. Almost spilled the coffee, the water bottle and the hand sanitizer with all this high energy hand-waving. As if the liberation of my arms have given me a new sense of authority. Now if only I could get my hands on a Snuggie.

Originally the "Slanket", this sleeved blanket was invented in 1998 by Gary Clegg. $5 million in sales since 2008 - seriously? Lucky bastard.

RickyRacoon has been hazed. Who put up "OOGLE.COM" on her computer? The real question is....who wouldn't???

Forget it. No work is getting done right nowwwwww.


Monday, December 21, 2009

I believe in shopping cart karma.

Also, if you hang up on some one, remember that payback's a bitch. There's nothing like a holiday that will crush a telemarketer's soul. And a magnet that says "Home is Where Your Mom Is".

(sales exec KT passed down the trinket that I gifted her for her latest...27th...birthday. it was funny then. but now that she's buying a house, moving out of her parent's home and passing it on to me, the humor is lost.)

The pod has an interim member in from Chicago - RockyRacoon. She'll be taking the place of The Butler, who is on medical leave for having her wisdom teeth pulled (yikes!). Hang in there kiddo the swelling will subside!

I digress. I looked like a chipmunk before and after wisdom teeth surgery. In fact today I approached HookerJones at her cube. With a Fireball candy in my mouth I told her to guess which cheek the ball was in. She guessed right. But I swear it's cuz she cheated. Perhaps we're all losing our minds.

HookerJones thinks that July 4th was the year that we declared our independence.

Friday, December 18, 2009

A Cubicle Land Christmas

Twas the week before Christmas

and all through the Land

there seemed a cheerful air

(or maybe they replaced the building fan)

"Come one, come all -

gather round the tree!"

B-fab called out

to all of us with glee

And it was there we shared fond memories and good cheer, passing out Secret Santa gifts - for most, 'twas our first corporate Christmas!

Now. Time for the company party. Blue Light, anyone?

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Pedometer Pedantic

Christmas-gifted from fitness guru J-Fizzle just this morning: a pedometer.

Both exciting and intriguing!

And I could not wait to document my day, step. by. step. Alas, after only 964 steps excluding gym time (and it's 12:55pm right now), indicating a "sedentary lifestyle". Superb.

Realistically, my swivel chair gets more mileage than my limbs. But the trek up to Floor 10 just put me over 1000 steps!! If America's obesity problem has taught us anything, it's that one should always opt for the stairs (sans swivel chair).

THIS JUST IN: Hiscock and I have just made our first official sale! Now opening the door for all "his" and "cock" and "money" puns (reach me at ext 435).

Not sure how I managed to drag myself to The Office today, although I can tell you it took about 293 steps. Wanted to call it quits halfway through the day. Here are the best excuses researched:
  • Your neighbor called – the water pipes “broke” and your basement is flooding. Got to get home ASAP! Works only if you don't live at home. Also a get-out-of-jail-free pass for your roommate if they work in same office as you.
  • Food poisoning… works without fail (especially after lunch)! Just be sure not to blame it on your boss’s favorite restaurant. Blame it on the waxy Advent chocolates.
If all else fails, remember it's like the 6th day of Hanukkah and pull the "Politically Correct" card...Christians get their days for Christmas. Nothing like discriminatory leverage.

OfficeMax's exciting elfish escapades have been lavishly outdone by HookerJones' creative cutting. Each cubicle cronie is now charicatured as an impish slave.

If Santa could send me a few of those effin' elves I'd have them dominate the domestic dwelling. Three siblings, one house, no parents. Hmmm. When my mother returns from her relaxing little getaway, she'll probably evict us.

Whatever. I plead the fifth and I blame the dog.

...and to get out of housework I'll use my well-rehearsed food poisoning excuse. Oh, the sedentary lifestyle at its finest (PS currently at 1166 steps).

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

The day that I didn't put heels on

Welcome to the jungle...

Today, The Butler was replaced by a 1980s almost made more dials than she did.


My Homie (after ending a phone convo with Christine in Yorkville IL): "I just realized I wrote down the name 'Christine' and was drawing hearts around her name. Ew."
JMaves: "Dr. Jamie, this is the best Christmas present I'm going to give you...15 minutes with my project manager."
TyTy: "I don't need mistletoe, let's do it right here."
BuckWild: "He got the hospital! He's phone dropping right now!"
Me: "Yay! Wait...what's phone dropping?"
BuckWild: "Uh. I don't know."
HookerJones (after reading reviews of Advent calendar chocolate): "I'm commenting too, this Advent chocolate was disgusting"
(OUR MANAGER): "Yeah yeah! Write that it's disgusting and you fed it to your boss"
-->it's true, he willingly gobbled up the waxy bits of chocolate
Magpie: "Suck it. And by 'it', I mean my big toe."

i can't believe it's only wednesday.

Ever realize how when you write all in caps it MAKES IT SEEM LIKE YOU'RE YELLING? ((reading this right now, I know your internal volume just cranked it))

I'll never forget this one doctor I called. Reminding him that we were only highlighting reputable businesses, he interrupted me: "Really? Did they tell you I just got out of jail?" - instant shock. My response: "Oh...well we can put that in your video!"


Ah there is something about this lack of privacy, the soft padding of our cubicle walls, the warning signs of carpel tunnel, that really can push one to insanity. Hey C-dawg - do the moonwalk!

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Naughty and Nice

We're ruining Christmas.

B-fab and C-dawg are trying to decode everyone's Secret Santa.

Wasn't it enough, eating all of the Advent chocolates on the first day of Advent??

Now for some real fun: (it's totally the new thing right now)

Monday, December 14, 2009

Stomping Grounds

This Friday was the first time visiting my alma mater for a night on the town. The pilgrimage. What brought me there was my hockey team's first home game. What kept me there was the promise of a night filled with indiscretions. And of course that coveted alumni t-shirt.

It's where I grew up and somehow emerged unscathed; prepared for the Real World. Seriously, I have business cards now! It's comforting for me and for my ATM card, to know that we'd be welcomed with open arms [and open bar tabs]. Such wonderful memories came jolting back to me when I spilled out on the slippery pavement circa 3am...
  • trivia nights at Vital
  • Christmas time in the apartment
  • my car running out of gas half way up the hill to Newton lecture hall
  • falling asleep in Middle Eastern Politics (and subsequently being kicked out of class)
  • missing my stop and riding the short bus all the way to Wal-Mart
...laying in the middle of the quad in a stupor, I couldn't help but think that it's all come full circle. So it is with a new sense of calm and new feeling of purpose that I blog today. Maybe it's just this new headset that I'm testing out.

In the spirit of change, HookerJones has decided to switch around her cube. Her desk is now angled towards the pod's walkway; enough to almost barricade her in.

Cube Chat: Kenan and Kel; All That; how to pronounce "Darrel" ("duh-rell" or "dare-ell"...and does geographic location have an impact); how many blondes does it take to rearrange HookerJones' cube (no less than 3).

Think about your current career. Consider the many paths you could have chosen. Like the author of my newest read, The Secret Diary of a Call Girl. Contemplate at your own will.

REMINDER - bring in Toys for Tots! I am not to be held accountable if you end up in "H-E-L-L DOUBLE HOCKEY STICKS" for not contributing to a less-fortunate child's holiday.

Friday, December 11, 2009

Lunch Time Antics

Pod 1 and Pod 2 are in competition for holiday spirit, Pod 1 may have just taken the lead thanks to Ty Ty's mom. But I brought the seasonal minis...Twix, Snickers, Musketeers, Milky Ways. So everyone who stopped visiting my cube since I've run out of Blow Pops, you can come pretend to be my friend again.

In recognizing our Balebetishen Yidden* friends at The Office: Happy Hanukkah!

The homies chilling in the parking garage send their blessings as well. Although they may have been lighting up a roach, not a menorah.

Despite the ominous winter wonderland, we still make Friday lunch a priority. Apparently My Homie doesn't like tartar sauce - B-fab hates cocktail sauce. (ya think you know some one!). We discussed Secret Santas, and as Lil Thug would put it, "How do you buy a gift for someone who dresses so horrendously???"

Agreed. A $10 gift can't fix that.

Then there was the Fish Sandwich Incident. Basically what happened is that there we two middle-aged men sitting a table near us. Perhaps an interview or just some old friends enjoying a meal together. Whatever it was had one guy all heated up.

Please note that although my camera phone's clarity is faulty, there is no mistaking the puddle developing below Blazer Guy's right armpit.

Once it was spotted, we knew that it must be documented. I grabbed my camera phone and positioned it next to B-fab's delish fish sandwich, struggling for an angle and totally lacking in tact. Then B-fab took charge, "LOOK! LOOK AT MY FISH SANDWICH - TAKE A PICTURE!! HAHA TAKE A PICTURE OF IT"

Laughing, and obviously not zoning-in on the fish sandwich, I finally captured this Kodak moment. Better yet, Lil Thug's reaction to B-fab's well-timed outburst was priceless. Sheer confusion. But why wouldn't I want a PICTURE OF MY FISH SANDWICH? B-fab, totally clutch.

Ty Ty wanted some blogspace too. How, he asked, could he become a part of it?

Unanimous answer: TAKE YA PANTS OFF!!

Perhaps at next Friday's lunch?

Now that's mazel tov for sure!

*(Balebetishen Yidden - yiddish for "respectable Jew")

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Keeping Company

Received an email this morning titled: "Fallow Up"


Instant migraine.

Now that my vision is no longer blurred, there are more important matters at hand. In continuing to climb the corporate ladder, I am reminded of my main goal in life: Homemaking. After all, I did grow up on Wisteria Lane.

One of my neighbors actually turns December into sport - whatever the hot holiday toy, she does not rest until she has it. This year it's the Zhu Zhu Pets Hamster ( A horrid little thing, and a giant leap backward in entertainment technology. Find it on eBay for $100. At any rate it is flying off the shelves and Mrs. G is on the hunt.

Ah, to be a desperate housewife. Along with organizing covert ops at Toys R Us, this time of year will be filled with the proverbial "holiday party" - one of many networking events that one is expected handle at a moment's notice. J-Fizzle of WTF was invited (as the guest of a normal group member) to a dinner shin-dig. Among the facial peels and designer jeans, she was able to get some insider perspective.

To put it simply: Iced out and lit up (not the Christmas tree).

Upon arrival, she was peppered with questions...a little game of Status Scategories. Age. Marital Status. Children. Education. Profession. Residential location. Hair Dresser. (Plastic Surgeon... Dealer...). Ask yourself, "Is there really a world where women attack Corvettes with cans of Diet Coke and stalk the shelves of toy stores for motorized hamsters?" and know that, yes, yes this world exists.

What a trooper. As much as I love observing a good train wreck, I can't imagine exposing my neurons to such intelligible company for any amount of time.

The company I keep is more like this...

(BuckWild diving in the Sangria pitcher)
(Lil Thug you paid too much for that shirt. cute sleeves but it's missing the middle.)

Forget housewives, looks like we're in line to be the next generation of cougars.

Nothing but high class in Cubicle Land. They say that only 2 out of every 10 people you meet in the business world are going to be upstanding, ethical people. **HookerJones and BuckWild, you guys are actually on the chopping block. So be upstanding and go get me some coffee, I'll consider keeping you in my social network**

Hint: even though their hearts are in the right place, avoid contacts that "fallow up"

You know, Johnny Depp apparently began his career by smiling and dialing as a telemarketer. He developed his accents/personalities through hours of cold-calling. And he just won his 2nd "Sexiest Man Alive" Award. Just sayin.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Inner-Office Memo as per the Lovely Ladies of the 9th Level

On the 9th floor there is something amiss. And we've decided to take matters into our own hands...

To: Human Resources Personnel

From: The Lovely Ladies on the 9th Level

Date: December 9, 2009

HR Personnel,

Re: Eye Candy

As we near the end of the fourth quarter, we would like to applaud your department on another successful year. The company is growing to take on many new ventures - it could not have been done without the highly motivated teammates that you have cultivated for The Office.

However at this time we feel it is prudent to voice our concern regarding the elephant in the room.

Adam had Eve. Ying has Yang. The Lovely Ladies of the 9th Level have...a gay.

Not to discount The Boys by any means, who are near and dear to our hearts. But they are not exactly ours...TBag, Ty Ty, JMaves, Chichetts, PolishPride...they are all spoken for. The Lovely Ladies of the 9th Level have become restless with despair. Luckily we have managed to maintain a few shreds of dignity and have not completely lost our will to shower and wear stilletos. Unfortunately the competition for New Guy and Laf-a-Lot has all but destroyed our camaraderie (and has considerably inflated their egos). Quite frankly: this is a serious cause for concern.

The illustrious "bend-and-snap" is now a mere "lean-and-teeter" - we are out of practice. The mistletoe above the first pod will be wilting before it can work its holiday magic. B-fab, the married matron of the group, has her hands full trying to initiate distractions - holiday decorating, lunch-time viewings of The Hills... Lil Thug's eviction is eminent and she will need all eligible bachelors at her disposal if she has any hope of staying off the streets during these winter nights. HookerJones and The Butler have in fact removed themselves from Cubicle Land all-together - hopefully their brave hearts will not be trapped in Executive Holding Cells for good.

Surely you would agree that morale and productivity will drastically increase with the addition of a few GQ models to The Office staff.

The will of the twenty-somethings is not to be distracted by relationships and commitments - work hard. play hard. work it. get it. Is it too much to ask for a little eye candy and some testosterone up in hurrr??

Several solutions were brainstormed to remedy this blatant oversight in The Office's staffing procedures:

An elected 9th Floor ambassador will assist you throughout the interview process to make sure that potential candidates are accurately assessed for height, relationship status, personal grooming, character, current living situation, and mode of transportation. **NOTE: the assessment will in NO WAY disqualify worthy applicants from employment, but the Lovely Ladies of the 9th Level may deem it necessary to redistribute their talents to the 8th, 10th, or 11th Floors. Bicycles are, however, a deal breaker. Mullets too.

Additionally, it would be expected that The Office raise starting salaries enough to allow eligible male bachelors to tend to the Lovely Ladies of the 9th Level when socializing at bars (and for courtship purposes i.e. Tiffany's jewelry, Coach bags, erasing MasterCard debt, etc).

Hope is not lost. Now that the air has been cleared, we are excited to move forward with this new venture in the new year!

Forever Yours,

The Lovely Ladies of the 9th Level
(NLSts (aka Chunks); HookerJones; The Butler; B-fab; BuckWild; C-dawg; My Homie; Lil Thug; Magpie; and Liz)

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Shine Some Light

The daytime hours are waning. The sunlight doesn't quite reach the sales floor. Sound proof, bullet proof, high-security cubicle walls - how do the lovely ladies of Cubicle Land maintain their glow?

HookerJones, The Butler and C-dawg have invested in spray tanning.

You get to wear these neat hair net things, as HookerJones demonstrates for us. Just be careful not to let it cover only half of your forehead because then you'll look like you were only partially submerged in the bronzer (and then you'll have a straight line across your forehead. not that I know from experience or anything.)

There's also the option to apply self-tanner. But in the name of Christmas Cheer, I've resorted to wrapping myself in holiday lights to absorb some extra color.

Friend and trainer, J-Fizzle from WTF, has been known to bask in the rays of the fabled Christmas Vacation house. "BITCH why you think I'm so bronze now?"

After putting in some overtime at The Office last night, I decided to take a cruise around town - I had to see this thing for my own eyes.

It does exist.

And it could power a small city.

I don't know who should press charges...the residents next door, the residents across the street, or the residents sharing the back yard. It doesn't have the "two-hundred fifty strands of lights, one thousand bulbs per strand, for a grand total of two-hundred fifty thousand tiny twinkle lights" Chevy Chase 'look' to it. No. There are angels. Strands of multi colored bulbs mixed with strands of white. Nothing says class quite like 8 flashing reindeer and Three Wise Men circling your house, as if to lead one blinding coup d'etat.

Gotta admire their spunk if not their electric bill.

Thank goodness my cube buddy has nothing but three sheets of paper tacked to the stunning grey walls of his cube. Between my mini Christmas tree, advent calendar, and strand of lights, he'd probably be happier next to the Christmas Vacation house.

Saturday, December 5, 2009

Growing Pains

Thing is, I feel like I'm in a perpetual twenty-something limbo.

Kind of a grown up, kind of a child. It's a conundrum.

Some of my neighbors now want me to call them by their first names. There's a hierarchy and a notion of respect that I just can't seem to mentally overcome (seriously people it would be like me calling my parents by their first names...I'm in no mood for a back-hand).

This is why I'm glad most people call me by my last name...I won't have to worry about this when the tables are turned.

So I was making the best of both worlds this past Friday night: BuckWild, The Butler, HookerJones, C-dawg, Lil Thug, and me, plus a few others, met up at Tapas for dinner - girls night! BuckWild went diving for fruit in the sangria pitcher; pretty sure C-dawg had quail?

Ended the evening at the townie bar with an old friend. Ben and I have known each other for 21 years; from diapers to prom. We had a "holy shit what are we doing with our lives" moment...then we ordered another pitcher and a round of Jameson, toasting to the days of cardboard fortresses and we tried to act like the whiskey wasn't burning our throats. Saw some guys from high school. My friend from college ended her waitress shift and took a seat at the bar with us. Just like an episode of Cheers, I was in a place where everyone knew my name, and it was awesome.

After teetering between my past and my future I landed in the present, circa 2:45a,m when my parents picked me up from the bar ((when did I become so dependent on them?? when did I start having drunken heart-to-hearts with my dad?? what happened to the walk-of-shame??)). I have to say, I felt a little lost.

Where, exactly, does a twenty-something fit in?

One of my friends, still in college, sent me interview questions for a communications project on recent college grads in the workforce. How appropriate. One question asked:

Q: Do you want a family and a career? If yes to both, what, if any, steps do you think you will need to take to manage both a professional career and a family?

A: I wouldn’t know! I'm only 22! That’s something I'd like to ask a seasoned veteran – I can’t keep a goldfish alive much less maintain a relationship…so forget about a family. The education system prepares you to identify mafic rocks but not how to raise a child or balance a checkbook. In the end I think I’ll need to hire a nanny.

So as we hopscotch between our comfort zones and our hopes/dreams, we have to force ourselves to keep moving forward.

Coming back to live at home. I feel like I've been assaulted by Mother Nature's maturity security guard; a yank on the humility leash that is now collared to my neck.

Here's the real mindfuck: platypus. What the hell. Now, that's a warm-blooded critter that lays eggs. So is it a mammal or a reptile? Where, exactly, does a platypus fit in? Did God sneeze when he was zapping that bright idea into creation?

But then again, who am I to question His judgement...I should probably just adopt a platypus and perhaps it will give significant meaning to my quarter-life crisis.

Friday, December 4, 2009

Hate Mail.

My Homie. You suck:

this. is. war.

Decisions, Decisions...

Life is full of decisions.

Man up, twenty-somethings, this is no time to sit back! Sometimes it's tough to keep going. So I tend to follow the Rule of Ss (Sleep, Success, Social Life).

(GRAMMAR 101: Yes, I did put "Ss". There is no apostrophe. If I see one more person write something like "S's" or "during the 1920's"...I'm going to smack a bitch. WRITE IT RIGHT! You'll want to say "during the 1920s" because it's equivalent to "during the years 1920, 1921, etc". Therefore if you write out "during the 1920's" you really are saying "during the of the 1920". Kinda like how "The Butler's mother" = "the mother of The Butler". Thoroughly confused? Great!)

So back to the Rule. The Rule of Ss. Life is a balance of sleep, success, and social life. So to have success and a social life, you better learn to love caffeine. Makes sense right? A trifecta. Hence, sleepers either have to forgo the success or the social life. Again it's all about balance.

<--When in doubt I grab the Cube of Choice. It's the caveman version of the Magic 8 Ball (refrain from the awful cube-and-cubicle puns).

Last night I was in the middle of my Thursday meltdown - I couldn't decide if I should pull it together and drag myself out to the Art Show or lay low and veg. Hmm. After a roll (or 4) of the six-sided soothsayer, I decided to do as it said and "TV" the night away. Actually I didn't quite make it past 8:45pm.

The Cube of Choice includes choices like "Wash hair" and "Pub" and "Sex" and I think I covered the most important ones (aka can't remember the rest). There's always the option to help the Cube along to a favored side...perhaps why I'm only familiar with 4 of them?

BKWasp's momma is visiting NYC for the holiday experience, so while their apartment does not have a husband, it does have it's mother.

The fourth chocolate in my Advent Calendar was a star. Lovely. And delicious. I also took the liberty of "adventing" weekend days (since obviously we won't be in The Office). Hello day 5 and 6!

Today has been an interesting day at The Office to say the least. The extra chocolates and good night's sleep came in handy. Louis and I have broken up...The Butler and HookerJones and BuckWild are still going strong with their executives. It wasn't a messy break up, but neither one of us were ready to move on. This was NOT my decision - oh decisions decisions... The Management is switching things up. My new exec's last name is ...are you ready? you sure? okay, his last name is...


That is all :)

Thursday, December 3, 2009

A Touch of Class

This morning at WTF, we were dishing on the latest updates with Tiger Woods.

Checking out the scoop today on, I saw a link under the health blurb: "Sex drive vs. golf drive".

How appropriate, I thought...but it really is about men and their sex/golf drive and steroids. Seriously? With all the juicy Tiger Woods debauchery, who had the nerve to post that article and not give us the goods?? BORING.

But I found the goods..."Life for wives of pro athletes no fairy tale" (

One pro-athlete wife commented,

"That's their personal life; let them handle it," Butler said. "We don't know what positive things they have done, but the minute something negative happens, [the media] jumps all over it, and everybody wants to know what happened, and that disgusts me."

I now comment,

FAIL. Let that bastard burn in the spotlight and in Hell. Everyone has things they want to keep on the how I go through 6 packs of Eclipse gum in a day... So when that pro-athlete wife says "personal life" I hope she means like when a family member passes away or relationship details. Yes, it really sucks for Tiger's wife, having to be publicly dragged through this disaster and try to keep her life, dignity, and children together under the media's magnifying one deserves that. It's a double-edged sword; do the Mrs. a favor by being quiet? or watch T-bag Tiger squirm?

I hope Jay Leno has Tiger as a guest so he can go "I-know-your-Dad-and-he-would-be-disappointed", just like he did when Kanye West de-funked over Tay Swift's music award.

So this begs the question...what will I wear to the art show tonight? Really though, it feels very "Sex and the City" - club. downtown. wine. chocolate. live art. Totally chic.

And just an insight about the view from the cubes: nobody has said anything today about Tiger Woods...can we unblock a few websites and open a window in here? But C-dawg brought Barrel-O-Monkeys in today! I know where I'll be taking my lunch break!

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Text Message Wake Up

I wake up at 4:15am every morning. I wake up at that unsightly hour so that I can go to the gym...from now on the gym will be referred to as WTF (weight training and is also the attitude of the awesome people I train with). It's good times. This is besides the point.

I woke up this morning with 4 random text messages on my phone - this gingerbread crackhouse was by far the most disturbing. The close second place was from Momma: "Please be careful going into the gym - there is a creepy guy next door that has been watching everyone and you need to be very aware!" When I woke up at 2am, I read that and then had nightmares. When I went to the gym, creepy guy next door had all the lights on in his apt that overlooked the parking lot. I readied my keys to strike any possible attackers lurking in the shadows.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Special Request

HookerJones put in a special request for an extra posting today.

For some reason today has been dragging with vengeance. On the sales floor you really have to be a little crazy to get through the day.

Today, HookerJones googled directions for peeling a pomegranate.

My Homie was telling us about her cat...that it defecated on her bed?

I thought of cube jams. Let's just say that I'm trying to fill in lyrics for "I Like Big Cubes" - a parody of "I Like Big Butts" or whatever that song is. Stay tuned.

In desperate need to connect to the outside, I even went to the New York Times website. But really I'd like to talk about Batman. By far my favorite comic book character (not that I am well-adversed in comics by any means. perhaps his Hollywood counterparts have always been really good looking in the Batman blockbusters...).

I digress.

Gotham, the city that is central to the Batman comics, is in fact modeled after New York City (likewise, Superman's hometown is known to be Chicago). I can imagine that the heroic equivalent to our fine city would have go-go-gadget snow mobile wheels.

Season's Greetings

December 1st...first snow! My initial thought was, "Shit, it's gonna be a train wreck on the way to The Office..." - my next thought was, "Shit, when did I grow up?" because really, any kid would be zipping up the full-body suit at the first sight of snow.

New month and a fresh start. HookerJones, C-dawg and The Butler have kicked off the holiday season with a cleanse...well, with a few. Yesterday it was an all fruit/fruit juice diet; things got a little tense circa 2pm when HookerJones caught The Butler red-handed with a protein bar:

**wrapper noise**
((HookerJones' keen senses, finely atuned from the recent starvation, registered the sound of the wrapper immediately))

HookerJones: BUTLER - what are you eating??
The Butler: mmff, no-fing! (silence) ...I'm so hungry!

So today they opted for "all natural" which has my vote since they're allowed to drink coffee on this one.

The thing about this time of year: salvaging every moment of your morning. Example: My Homie woke up at 7:33am, and still made it to the coffee maker by 8:05am. HookerJones and The Butler have resorted to evening showers. Lil Thug has a ghost so I'm pretty sure she wastes no time in bouncing out of her apartment. B-fab and C-dawg repped the 9th Floor this morning at the associate meeting with solid sales convictions, the dreary hours have not hindered our performance or our holiday cheer.

And after scraping ice off windows and skating your car through the sludge and snow...coming home to the holiday tv specials makes the commute and 9 hours in a cubicle all worthwhile. Just like my take on the first snow has "matured", so has my taste for seasonal pop culture. There's always a special place in my heart for A Charlie Brown Christmas and The Grinch, but Chevy Chase's Christmas Vacation is the adult classic (and has been for 20 years!!). I guess it's because we don't look at the holidays through a 9-year-old's frosted bedroom window anymore, we see it through our defrosting windshield while sitting in morning traffic. Tsk tsk!

Thank goodness The Office decided to spring for the instant hot cocoa - nostalgia in a mug. And no December in Cubicle Land would be complete without Secret Santa! (now that's more like it.)

Monday, November 30, 2009

Back to Business

Please, just take a moment to assess.

Okay. Raise your hand if you wanted to launch your cell phone/alarm clock across the room this morning. Don't you love when the days start to blur together? I woke up on Friday thinking it was Sunday, then remembered it was Friday, then freaked out because I thought I was supposed to be in the office, then realized it was the Friday following Thanksgiving (at which point the left over pumpkin pie was calling my name).

Nothing like a little family time to make one yearn for their cubicle. I have not looked at the Texts From Last Night website since last Wednesday! This is like Christmas morning!

Since I'm taking the time to re-acclimate myself with the World Wide Web, gotta catch up on pop culture mishaps...typically "Prime Time in No Time" is my fallback and wow, few people are creepier than Bob Saget (he got some PTNT airtime). Way to ruin every fond memory and life lesson from "Full House". Actually that statement's irrelevant since my most vivid (and only) flashback from that show is Uncle Jesse getting stuck in a tree when he was skydiving on his wedding day.

While I wasted away on the couch this weekend, HookerJones and The Butler reminded me, with texts, pics and videos, that there is life outside The Office. They were in NYC for an all day shopping spree. My college roommate sent me a pic of the UConn/Duke NCAA basketball game she was attending at MSG.

The festive holiday lights are up around my cube. HookerJones spruced up the pod with obnoxiously large bows and additionally, she brought each podmate an advent calendar! No, we are not politically correct.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Holiday Season Kick-off

The Office is a buzz. The twenty-somethings are running the place right now.

Ever notice how everything seems to creep up now that you're working 9-5 every day? Weekends come and go in a blur. It's almost December...Christmas, etc. will be here before we know it.

Thanksgiving Eve. Twenty-somethings will be making the pilgrimage home to their families and to their high school crew to start the season in fine fashion.

I can almost taste the $4 pitchers now...

I remember rumors about a 5 year reunion for my graduating class. Not necessary. I'll just hit the local bar and see all 420 former classmates, just like last year, that I crossed the stage with back in June 2005. (holy shit. it's 2009).

My twenty-something path has been paved with stubs from the last six months' paychecks. It hasn't been the same story for most of my hometown friends - grad school, time abroad (guess who's buying tonight!). Kidding. Looking forward to seeing everyone's current life status...and just like you, I'll be comparing my successes to everyone I reconnect with tonight. Too soon?

Holidays are great because of the traditions and memories. In fact, this time last year brings up two exciting stories from my youth:

1) Last year, as a senior in college, I arrived home for Thanksgiving break with a hickey that could have stopped traffic. Strange enough my parents said nothing.

2) Last year, out for Thanksgiving eve, my cell phone took a dive in the pitcher. I lied and told my parents that some one had spilled their glass and my phone was in the disaster zone...they bought it. The rest of the night, I made it quite clear that everyone would have to "landline!" me. Also when we sat down at a table there were some one's untouched wings that I dominated, nom! (yeah that's right. wanna fight?)

After all of the food and all of the booze, the holiday season (and a three week detox) will officially be underway.

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT COURTESY OF MY HOMIE:,0,1672786.photogallery?index=kswb-pg-faces-of-meth-007

My Homie says, "in case you ever felt like dabbeling in this illicit activity...think
about your complexion."

Sales is 80% looks! These are career choices.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Boomerang Gang

Gang...generation...all the same.

My fellow twenty-somethings, we are the 'boomerangs'. We've been termed as such because we go away to school and, in most cases, return home.

A brief scan of our floor at The Office: 17 associates...ages 20-29...only 4 live at home with their parents. The term is therefore debatable. Sounds like hype and a little too much eagerness to pin us down. I'm looking to find the figurative twenty-something pulse, it doesn't seem to be saying "boomerang". If anything we're more willing to pack up and peace out to take a less glamorous job away from home (if we cannot find one locally).

My dilemma: why would I chose to move out of my parent's house, only to pay ~$600 for my own place if I'd only be there from 7pm-4:15am on week days? I'm usually asleep for most of that time anyways. As long as I'm still working at The Office, then I'll still be living at home. Even if I don't want to.

Living on my own, I certainly wouldn't be able to afford to spend $30 every time I go to the grocery store on necessary items like window decorations and break-and-bake cookies for The Office.

My point: It's hard times out there! "Boomerang" doesn't exactly do us justice. I'd say we're a lot less dependent than Wall Street and the housing market right now. Without the inexperienced and naive twenty-somethings, willing to do the grunt work and take borderline-abusive pay, who would be keeping capitalism afloat in this country?? And while I'm having this introspective moment, it's important to remember that everyone has to start somewhere. Patience.

And when in doubt, put out!

Monday, November 23, 2009

Culture Crisis

In the security of our cubes, we are surrounded by creature comforts. Free coffee, chairs with arm rests, communal kitchen (all the amenities). Yes, life in The Office is really living. And other than a handful of employees, The Office is pretty...vanilla.

I went bowling on Saturday, found myself experiencing some culture shock.

Dude (in picture) was fresh from head to toe. Not a scuff on the Nikes, hat tilted just to the right - colors coordinated perfectly. Yeah I def wore jeans and a zip up hoodie, make-up was hit or miss. Please note the picnic table rag that hangs delicately from Dude's back pocket. I zoomed in for the close-up...

And while it looks like this new trend calls attention to creativity and expression, it's completely off-base. While Dude probably threw down $15 for this hankey, he doesn't know that it's actually a scarf. A scarf that, when worn in South America (namely, Chile), is wrapped around one's neck. When I studied abroad in Santiago, the capital of Chile, there was a great debate over public and private schooling. The funding was completely skewed and kids who didn't go to private schools were at an unbelievable disadvantage for jobs, higher education, and quality of life. Students boycotted and held protests and vigils (private and public school students alike! bet you'd really appreciate your education if you had to fight for it.).

Imagine emerging from the metro and finding yourself in a mob...people screaming, running in all directions. Mayhem. You see an armored vehicle roll by. It blasts kids with high-powered water hoses from ten feet away. A SWAT van pulls up and guards (with guns) run out. Yeah. You see kids get grabbed by the arms, even tackled, and thrown in the van. Not to mention that your eyes and throat are now stinging...the armored cars have released tear-gas. You run because you might be next.

Students wear the scarves to protect themselves from the tear gas. It's not really a fashion statement. Then there are things like jelly beans...

The Butler's bag of Jelly Belly's is almost tapped out. Among the numerous treats that our pod keeps (100 calorie packs, Blow Pops, Splenda packets), Jelly Belly's have a unique story. Talk about a cultural mishap: The first eight flavors were produced in 1976. "Soon Jelly Belly became the favorite candy of Ronald Reagan, who eventually made the beans a staple in the Oval Office and on Air Force One after he was elected president. President Reagan's passion for jelly beans inspired Blueberry flavor, which was cooked up so he could serve red, white, and blue beans at his inaugural parties. Diplomats and world leaders clamored to have Jelly Belly beans. And guess what? Jelly Belly was also the first jelly bean in outer space. Free floating, weightless Jelly Belly beans were sent on the space shuttle Challenger in 1983 as a presidential surprise for the astronauts. Coincidentally, it was the same mission that boasted another bit of history -- the first American female astronaut, Sally Ride." - (photo borrowed from

We'll have lots to consider the next time we wrap ourselves in a scarf before braving the world outside The Office or the next time we pop a few Jelly Bellys at snack time.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Buzz Kill - busted

Daddy called me at work. Not pleased.

in other news....BKWasp of "Our Home Needs a Husband" blog, has spotted the actress who plays Lily, the bff in Princess Diaries.

Buzz Kill

Nothing is quite as traumatic as leaving your cell phone at home...on the kitchen table.

Good thing that my dad works from home and will be manning the calls/texts all day. Good thing that my dad knows how to operate my phone (it's a Palm, even I don't know how to operate it sometimes).

In fact, my text conversations actually look like instant messaging files...

Also, realllll good thing that there may be some entirely inappropriate text convos on there. Like, the won't-be-able-to-look-Daddy-in-the-eye-for-everrrrrr kind. Cri-mu-neeeeeee. He's not known to snoop, but you never know what messages might pop up onto the screen...I hope I don't get any attention from anybody today.

EPIC buzz kill.

There's only one thing to do...RETAIL THERAPY! Tiffany's mailer came yesterday. Paycheck comes tomorrow. Hmmm. I'm between a few, rather than splurge on a holiday charm that's only seasonal, I'm thinking about a few classic pieces: Tiffany Note letter pendant ("N") or Elsa Peretti Doughnut ring. <-- yeah the ring sounds super classy right? it's just a rounded silver ring, it's a designer piece, got it? Nothing like a lil gift to yourself and lil added debt.

Whether you're paid weekly, bi-weekly, on the 1st and 15th of each month...seems like your cash is spend before it's even in the bank. Transportation, food, alcohol, a random trip to the mall. How do struggling twenty-somethings cope? One thing is to bring a bagged lunch. Brewing your own coffee saves tonsssss, especially if you like the lattes and specialty drinks from Starbucks - that's like saving $5 each grande order! Hope my moment of wisdom helped you on your way to building your dreams.

And then there's those national expenses...

Like Sarah Palin's new book. Is she serious? Unfortunately, she will no doubt break the bank with this. Lose the presidential race? No big, she'll be raking in bigger bucks than Obama in no time (and will be worrying more about perfecting her signature than she will be about national security).

Most of you will probs join Palin's book tour hype and run to the nearest Barnes & Noble for the new, over-priced, bestseller to be; but save your $$$$ - wait for the movie.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

don't ask.

The Butler knows that Beethoven died on March 26, 1887. Well, she thinks so anyways.

i've had 4 atomic fire ball candies today.

Ghetto Mini Mart Run-in

Yesterday during lunch I hopped across the street to the news stand for some chewing gum; it's more like a ghetto mini mart. Basically it's the size of two cubes and since its right near the downtown bus station there was a mass of seedy characters collecting inside.

Of course I'm the only white girl in there. Of course the friendly 19-year-old community college student corners me. Had braces and a look of innocence. He was a master of his craft...starting off with simple "get to know you" questions, where would I suggest he continue his education to complete his degree? Then *BAM* - he's starting a business and needs partners. WTF. I prayed for some one call my cell or to try and rob me. Then he proceeds to grill me for more information. "Here, let me get your number," - um, no son, I'll give you my fake email address. I feigned dumb and told him that I left my business cards at the office. Not to worry, our little entrepreneur brought some lined paper that he'd no doubt ripped out of his Econ 101 notebook (so legit.). Said he'd love to meet for coffee or something to discuss business. Christ. I about threw my $1.35 at the cashier for a pack of gum and high-heeled it safely back to The Office. Never leaving the home turf without back up again.

I have to make an amendment to yesterday's entry: HookerJones should be credited with - she in fact passed on the good word to Kenny and The Butler.

HookerJones is telephoning a clown today....Cupcake Jones. Dead serious.

Next time you feel like being an ass, call your friend, "Hi. I'd like to order a clown." Guaranteed laugh.

The Butler brought in fat free chips that were made with Olestra. What is this new chemical? I researched for the most credible information on Wikipedia, of course. Olestra is able to dissolve lipid-soluble vitamins such as vitamin D, vitamin E, vitamin K, and vitamin A, along with carotenoids. Fat soluble nutrients consumed along with Olestra products are excreted along with the undigested Olestra molecules...aka it makes you shit. Wish she'd brought them in yesterday - would have made for an interesting ghetto mini mart getaway.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Cube Chat - casual friday

Casual Friday...the great debate.

Perhaps management's way to boost morale right before the weekend, as if to say, "here's an extra incentive for making it to Friday," a sort of thank you for squeezing 8 more hours out of your life.

Don't kid yourself, if you come into the office wearing jeans and some Nike kicks, you're not getting any work done that day. Casual Friday is a terrible idea. It's pretty much a de-motivator.

One of our departments at The Office gets to dress down every Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday. Does this mean that the only day they are mentally checked in is Monday? Now consider the fact that no other department is awarded this 'privilege' do you think we feel - The Office's proverbial middle children! (yes, your hearts are breaking for us).

Realistically though ladies, shlepping around the office in street clothes doesn't grab the same kind of attention that those leggins and high-heeled boots do. Work your assets. Dress to impress (or to get a promotion). Think of Casual Friday as your day to climb the corporate ladder.

My cubemates have impeccable taste. BuckWild and LilThug rock the animal print and leggins on the reg. My Homie, CDawg, and HookerJones aren't as ghetto-fab as they sound, they clean up and glam up. The Butler's always classic and classy. I tend to sport the Mr. Rogers sweaters. I know, I know...what a tease.

Looking to refresh your closet? Check out (also seen as one of the "Coffee Break Corner" links). Compliments of Kenny and The Butler.

P.S. Next entry: HookerJones learns from her mistakes...ordered another breakfast burrito. yikes.

Monday, November 16, 2009

sMothered continued...

okay okay, feeling a little better after that rant. Butler, Hooker ...we will be better off for having this experience.

a roof over my head and a family that loves me (they don't have to like me), that's all that matters. got my friends, my cube mates, my WTF family to get me through. living at home...there are worse things, like perhaps a questionable breakfast burrito. hahahaha.

(post it reads: "dear NLSts, never order a breakfast burrito from J&K. kind regards, HookerJones")


To: HookerJones and The Butler - this one's for you.

Living at home as a twenty-something...think of all the money you get to sock away! Buy nice things, save up for your own place. Ha, what fantasy world are you living in?

As if it's not enough to be establishing yourself at the bottom of the corporate ladder, go ahead and try fitting back in to your family. I believe my mother's welcoming words were, "Now, your brother and your father and I already have our routine." Ah, home sweet home. It wasn't so bad when you knew that your longest stay home would maybe run three months (summer), and holidays were always just grand! But now you're graduated, now it's a marathon.

At the corporate watering hole, the associates gathered this morning. Amidst the tales of weekend intoxication, I noticed that HookerJones, The Butler and I are the only ones under house arrest. Stellar. The Butler was on the verge of freedom, but unfortunately the lease fell through - bad leasee/land lord relations (she dodged a bullet though, nothing worse than starting out on the wrong foot). HookerJones can be credited with the inspiration for this post: Living on her own for 5 years and is now back, being suffocated, by her parents. Can't really blame our parents, they just want to mother and father us again and it's gotta be hard to let go - but it turns into sMothering (suffocation + mothering). Just this morning my trainer, Julie, said to me, "Saw your parents walking yesterday, they looked like they were in a serious convo. They didn't even hear when I beeped the horn - is everything okay at home?" Haha well, I was up until midnight scrubbing the bathroom tub and sinks - does it sound like everything's okay? I went from "High-achiever first born" to "Mom's punching bag".

I work 40+ hours a week, wake up at 4:15 every morning to work out, I do freelance ad work, attempt to have a social life...sometimes other tasks get tossed under the mental rug. It's like she thinks I do nothing all week. Funny how, "NLSts, you didn't clean the upstairs bathroom," is the high crime when she didn't go grocery shopping all week. I thought that was one of the responsibilities under the 'stay at home mom' job title. But please, treat yourself to another day at the mall.

Wouldn't it make sense for us to find a bachelorette pad? What's holding us back? The Butler's got bills, HookerJones is in debt, and NLSts wrecks cars (I wonder who will snap first).

Additionally my 19-year-old sister is failing out of her private college. By December, we'll just be ONE BIG HAPPY FAMILY again. Somebody's going to lose an eye.

Survival? There's nothing to do but grin and bear it. Christ. Prepare yourself for an ulcer.

These past 6 months have been the most tumultuous - insane growing pains. Lots of change, lots of excitement. But I think we're all settling in, life is good. The hardest thing to do is buckle down in order to save money and not to burn bridges (and when all else fails...drink heavily.).

At least I know that when I'm living out of my car in March, I'll be saving on rent and on therapy.

Friday, November 13, 2009

Random Friday Wrap-up

Surveys amuse me. I wonder if people are really that honest.

The Office sent out a survey: One question reads - "What motivates you?" - I wrote that "my expensive taste" motivates me. What I really meant to say was that "I hate financial dependency and living at home. I'm motivated to move the hell out of that crackhouse before there are any casualties." I got yelled at this morning for finishing the eggs...eggs! Nothing motivates a twenty-something like familial mishaps and near death experiences over groceries.

Can't wait to see my iTunes play count for new favorite: Electropop by Jupiter Rising. Everyone should check it out holler.

Today is Friday. HookerJones, The Butler and I took our lunch break out of the office; a typical Friday thing. It's a scary world outside The Office - brazen pigeons, stinky sewers and strange men who pick their noses. Three young ladies just trying to walk a few blocks, trying to make a decent living. Oh btw we are single, funny, cute, and like long walks by the lake - call for a good time.

Today is also Friday the 13th - eek! Pumped for tarot card readings at our get-together tonight; nothing like being able to go out and socially "kick-it" with your work peers and, ya know, play with the devil's magic. Oh, and I'm bringing Catch Phrase.

SarahR (from this point on, she will be referred to as my Homie), phoned me in regards to the Sales Suit posting. She saw a CNN special on West Virginians who put Mountain Dew in their babies' bottles and something else about 5 brothers and a sister...but that story will make you ill. As an American, it should make you proud.

Thursday, November 12, 2009


Trippin'...Power trippin'

Here's what's up: when you're assigned a leadership position, it is exactly that...leader. Not upper management, not boss, not mom. To my cube mates, I know that you're with me on this one. We've all had too much mismanagement lately for our liking.

Nothing is more irritating than a co-worker who is getting a little big for their britches. Cause guess what - you are in the same mind-numbing, dial-down-a-list position that I am. Just because you are now dubbed "leader" does not mean that you have earned anyone's respect. It actually means that your ass is now under a microscope and that we will scrutinize your every move. Example: it bodes bad for you if I arrive earlier than you and stay later than you and make more phone calls than you do. Seriously. Lead by example? FAIL. You think you betta? You trippin'.

Kenny is no more closer to BuckWild's coveted "hawt sawce" than yesterday. His new focus is on Charla Nash - the lady who was mauled by a monkey. He navigated me through Oprah's website for this gem: happy hour has just commenced. Happy Thursday.

p.s. H1N1 has hit The Office.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Your Sales Suit

My executive is handling an account in a southern state that will remain nameless. I had set an appointment for him at a heating & air establishment that will also remain nameless. The appointment was set for 9:30am. My exec called me at 9:45am to tell me he was kicked out of the appointment - I asked why. Apparently they do not like "his kind"...which is Korean.

Pair of racist, redneck, southern hicks.

I'd like to mail them some anthrax XOXO all my love!

Unfortunately that's the name of this game (not anthrax) - in sales you have to have a thick skin, a Sales Suit of Armor. It's disgusting that there are still such close-minded people in America. It sucks that you still gotta put up with their shit.

One time I called a guy who decided to jerk me around a bit. I told him who I'd already been in contact with, he'd reply, "Oh so they told you to call me?" - no. Miscommunication causes me the most anguish. One wrong word can blow up a lead. And then he picked, "Do you even know what we do?" - yes. Finally I said to this guy, "You're just jerking me around aren't you? Well this is not for everybody. Obviously you don't want to support your city and you don't want to grow your business. So thank you have a nice day." *click*

Wear your sales suit. Wear it proud. People can be assholes. Throw their shit right back at them (or anthrax).

New in office drama:
Kenny is on the prowl for BuckWild's hot sauce. Today his efforts were in vain...the search continues tomorrow.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Cube Chat - bobby v. depp

Cube Chat: the random, day-to-day conversations that surface over our cube walls with random interjections from different directions.

Just today...

Justin Bobby v. Johnny Depp

comparable? please assess.


HookerJones' lunchtime run to Subway created quite an uproar. Cube Chat included, "That's making me nauseous," and "Yeah what's that smell," and "Gee thanks guys that makes my lunch really appetizing." The stench of veggie sub still lingers.

Personal favorite...

"Does anyone want a Werthers?" * "yes!!" * "yes!" * "I don't know what they are but everyone's so excited I want one too!" * "I had a dream about them last night" * "Aren't they those caramels?"

BK Moment

Burger King is hiring...can't say that I didn't consider it, only to supplement my current income.

Our co-worker of South American descent (specifically Paragua) has rejoined the ranks after calling in sick yesterday. We'll refer to her as Lil Thug, mainly because of her short stature and her kind-natured yet BALLER attitude. She actually contemplated calling in on Friday because she couldn't find anything to wear. Can't remember the last time I went shopping...I just try not to repeat outfits in the same week.

Living at home means my closet doubles. I am privy to every Banana Republic top and all of the *bling* that my mom owns - and that's a lot of bling. (Note to self: when attempting to gain independence, stay out of Mom's closet. Instead, get two speeding tickets so that you can't afford insurance and then wreck your car and have your parents sign the lease and title on your new car.)

The only way to move up is to move out. So how is a struggling twenty-something expected to establish some solid footing? Better get my references ready for Burger King.

p.s. New Guy sitting in the cube next to me is a Yankees hater. This is a conflict of interest. Hopefully he'll recognize that his cube has been empty for a month (and that I've therefore lost all social skills) before it's too late.

Monday, November 9, 2009

November Notification: You're now a Real Person

For you recent college grads, November means that your mailbox will soon be bursting full of loan payment notices! You're officially 6 months out of college, you're officially a real person.

Nothing like being gutted for your hard-earned paycheck.

In fact, I made my first loan payment yesterday online. No, it does not make me feel like an adult. No, it does not fill me with a sense of pride in my financial responsibility. It actually makes me feel broke and it is actually a daunting reminder of the independence and Tuesday's 25-cent drafts that I am missing out on.

New week. New wheels...get it get it! Picked out a 2010 Honda Civic (holler!). How did that happen? The way I operate machinery, I deserve a 10-speed and elbow pads. We are not telling my parents about my close call this morning on my drive to The Office...

Jacked up my cube with some sick speakers. Enough to move papers on my desk. Totally necessary.

Historical Highlight: Today marks the 20th anniversary of the Berlin Wall's demise. Exercise your efficacy and reflect on the magnitude of this occasion, how many lives were changed. And in other news: Sisqo is 31 today.

Sunday, November 8, 2009


Yesterday, a majority of the Office had obligations to our CEO...aka The Man...who has been working on a project. In the final phase, The Project required a diverse group to participate and volunteer their Saturdays (compensation: $25).

Let's preface: I had a fender bender this past Monday. My little '98 Chrysler wasn't much match for the Honda's back bumper, and the hood of my car was crunched. Easy fix. Dad was able to pound it down and the only casualty was the hood latch...

So Saturday I'm up and readying things and running late. Grab keys, start car, off to The Project. I'm on the highway and go to change the radio, cruising along and *WHAM* Hood flies up and cracked the shit out of my windshield, dislodging the rear-view mirror which conveniently nailed me in the head (as if to say "Hey dumb-dumb, Dad said not to drive your car on the highway.").

Stunned but still driving, I pull off to the side of the exit's ramp. Immediately I phone HookerJones in a panic. She assures me that it's okay, that I am okay, and to keep her posted. Phew. Phone parents...

Me: Uh...can some one come pick me up?
Mom: (groggy)
Me: On the 490. (I then detail the events)
Mom: Sure.

moments later, parents phone back...

Mom: Welllll, do we need two cars?
Me: Mine still drives but the hood won't stay down.
Mom: Well some one didn't put any gas in the Acura.
Me: Okay...?
Mom: So if you can drive it -
Me: Mom I'm shaking, can't one of you just...? You know what, forget it.

Making my way home, the hood flips back up and further busts windshield. I crouch and peer through the small opening, I also crouch to avoid eye contact with fellow automotobilers.

Of course I pass two cop cars chilling in the abandoned gas station.

At the last light, less than a mile from my house, I noticed that the lady walking her dog is staring at me and pointing. The nice friendly cop parked who had followed me is now parked behind me and has exited his car to knock at my window. The nice friendly cop asks, "Are you serious?" The nice friendly cop is ready to write me a ticket for Obstruction of View. At the red light with the cop standing next to me, my poor little Chyrsler is exposed and in pain, I break down and sob like a 4 year old (this would be my third ticket in 18 months. AllState and parents would have a field day). The nice friendly cop just looks at my license, sighed, and said, "Just drive slow. I should be writing your parents a ticket."

I did eventually make it to The Project. The Project is an epic tale on its own. Basically I sat outside the event room with the rejects (the ones who gave up their Saturdays but were not hand-chosen to participate...). I got face time with The Man and then bounced. Text from an insider:

SarahR: "yeah NLSts, its awful. in a way ur lucky ur car crashed and u almost got a ticket and ur windshield about shattered in ur fac...but then again kinda not. i'll give you my 25 dollars [to pull the fire alarm]. what have you been doing all day you missed out on nasty pizza at three oclock."

The event for The Project lasted from 9am-6pm. Hope I still get the $25. I'll put it towards my new car.

Friday, November 6, 2009

Re: updates

p.s. updates will come at an alarming speed.

Unofficially Official

Consider the following email my first post, sent 11.5.09 to varied recipients:

I've probably frightened the new guy away. I throw and cuss at my phone all day...except when I'm on a call, I'm Sarah Fucking Sunshine. Well my "pod" of people have a new member questionnaire that we give to newcomers. This is probably why most people quit after a week. The cube across from me has been empty for about a month. With the questionnaire, there is a member spotlight that we have (yeah, so cool). I asked NG (NG = new guy) what he learned. NG goes, "Well I learned that you really like contraceptives." - I was floored and almost died immediately. I forgot what I wrote on my member spotlight, it reads:



  • NicoleLilia(struggling twenty-something) might as well open up a thrift shop with all of the junk she has in her cube. From fun-colored paperclips to condoms, she is prepared for any situation. She brings her lunch every day, and her strict nutritional intake is reflected by her short temper - do not tread in the wake of her dialing. NLSts leads hourly trips to the kitchen for coffee.


  • An avid astrologer and soothsayer, HookerJones enjoys stalking, shoe shopping, and waitressing at Schooner's in her free time. Don't bother asking her for relationship advice or what day of the week it is as she will most likely be unable to help you.


  • The pod's seasoned veteran, CDawg, knows 'what's up'. She is the socialite of the pod and will readily organize outings and group runs; declining her invitations is considered social-suicide.


  • Chi-chetti enjoys making it known that he has the highest number of appointments on the board. He also takes great pleasure in hiking, the game of disc golf, a nice bowl of pasta, money, and a big glass of Vino.

The Butler

  • The Butler, is our favorite and the most kind-natured podmate. She shares the last name of our mayor. This is not a coincidence. The Bulter tends not to make more than 30 daily dials; she orders Combo #1 with cheese and a medium diet coke at Wendy's.

Hope I was able to entertain. Welcome to my life in Cubicle Land.

(end email message)

...and thus, blog was unofficially born.

xoxo NLSts