Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Nursery time at The Office

Want to make an entire sales floor of twenty-somethings freak out instantly?


It's been screaming and crying and WHY IS NOBODY ATTENDING TO ITS NEEDS? Bouncing it on your knee? Peek-a-boo??

Colby wants to lock it away. And just told Tulip to lock it up (no, you lock it up). Can't quite convict as well like J-woww "oh sorry had to bring my child to my telemarketing job."

Looks like I'm heading up The Office's new tailgetting...sorry...tailgating party for the upcoming kickball season. First, second, third base? Any maternal instinct that was budding in my twenty-something being just went into remission for the next 20 years. Already have my hands full with BuckWild (get back in your cube...Dial! Google Docs!).

This is unbelievable. Will somebody get the kid a Happy Meal?

Sparky. Work thy magic!

Dog.  Problem-solving.  Quick, easy solution to your insurance problems.  Great 30-second spot.  Going along with the 'so-easy-a-caveman-could-do-it' thing but with a man's best friend spin.  And dogs don't even have opposable thumbs!  Sheer genius.

Now.  What kinds of magic can good old Sparky work for a twenty-something, just above the poverty level and nicknamed Speedy Gonzalez?

Monday, August 30, 2010

Sure, these things happen.

Girl swallows a 7-inch toothbrush...sure, I guess that counts as news.

How does the first 6-inches of the toothbrush accidentally get past one's notice? And she was running up a flight of stairs while brushing her teeth?? Her gag reflex gobbled up the toothbrush???

None of this makes sense. None of the comments I want to make are nearly appropriate for this blog's integrity.

Wait til she gets one of those electric toothbrushes. Then there'll be full satellite coverage.

Hello Random Gchat Happiness!

Random, non-related tid bits and things that brought a smile to my face on gchat...

did you know your sister changed her name on facebook to asvathama


Sink-o: so I think I'm an indiot
Sink-o: idiot*

ive noticed 2 things today

1. i feel like i forgot how to walk in heels and im really self-conscience about it

2. my hair looks SO GOOD dark

Jameson: lol i have such mixed emotions about that.....
it was beautiful till i scrolled down...then i got scared


...and so. Life in Cubicle Land.

Wake UP with GTA in your morning cup

The best part of waking up is Folgers in your cup?  
Fa'gedddabout it.  A fresh squeeze of that would get me going alllll dayyyy long.

Friday, August 27, 2010

Real Time Telephone Talk Time

Here's a Friday snippet for ya:

[premise: calling into a town in Missouri. A sale was made, and we were referred to the business that I called...the receptionist and I have become quite close over the past week or so. Considering I've only called a few times asking for the owners, she should really learn to like me. I'm so charming!]

Business/Debbie: Hello? Business X!

Me: Hi, good morning - this is El Prez, working together with the chamber of commerce. How are you this morning?

Business/Debbie: Oh. Yeah. They're not in.

((ice cold, Deb! what gives!!)

Me: Oh okay - sorry Debbie did I catch you at a bad time?

Business/Debbie: No.

Me: I wasn't sure you sounded a little preoccupied - well happy Friday at least! Do you expect them in later?

Business/Debbie: No. And Monday's going to be bad. You know, we sell screens.


Me: Yeah absolutely I know that! We understand, Mondays can be rough - full inbox after that weekend right?? (then I do my fake phone laugh.)

Business/Debbie: Yes, like I said we do screens.

((ya Deb. you sell screens. got it.))

Me: I know. When I spoke with BlahBlahDental, same thing - they're slammed cuz it's back to school!

Business/Debbie: Sure. And the weather just changed so it's crazy for us.

Me:...Alright great so I'll follow up next week - have a great weekend!!

Okay. Screens. In Missouri. Not like it's the next ice age right around the corner here at the end of August.

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Dear Jillian Michaels...pack your shit.

So there's this rumor going around that it's possible to lose weight on a cruise...correct me if I'm wrong, but shouldn't that all be done before you board the boat?

Jillian Michaels has to go around 'changing America' with her Ultimate Wellness Cruise via Norwegian cruise lines. For those of you who are not familiar with this psycho bimbo, Jillian Michaels is one of the Biggest Loser trainers. Oh. BTW she's a dude. She's got this notion that,
The standard menus "couldn't have been any worse" from a weight loss perspective. "Everything had butter, cream, cheese, tons of oil. Every fish dish was breaded and fried." [CNN]
Of course it's all breaded and fried! And after a month of starving myself, straight up lemon and water 3 meals a day, I want to shovel all that good stuff into my new bikini boppin' bod and wash it down with Miami Vices, Pina Coladas, Strawberry Daquiris. And what's a cruise without the midnight buffet anyways?? No trip that I want to be on, that's for sure.

Jillian Michaels is one dude who shouldn't be manning the ship. Who put him in charge anyways? Trying to change America. Getting all in people's business when the reality is: a lot of people are fat and lazy. *ahem* TR *ahem* Puh-lease. Walking around the decks would make any normal-sized person feel like a greek god. It's like a time warp to Six Flags. Beached whales and fish tails. Yikes.

How about this for your next Caribbean cruise: liquid diet. BAM. Where's my fame and fortune?

Health foods? Eff that. Taste this:

[company cruise may 2010 holler]

Not A Model.

When I was 10 years old, my friend Betty and I auditioned for the Not Me Not Now campaign.  Uh huh.  Pre-teens preaching the 'don't have sex' message.  Now it's all about getting the word out on Planned Parenthood.  But I digress.

Just know that if I had been catapulted to celebrity model status a la celibacy, I wouldn't have made an ass of myself.  Been all 'more modely-than-thou-art'.  Since I'm not a model.

Because if there's one thing that really grinds my gears, it's the self-absorbed "ME! ME! ME!" bimbos.  Especially ones that 'lived in LA for fourrrr yearssss' and were 'suppppposed to be in that movie' ....gag me with a spoon.

You all know what I'm talking about.  It's wearing an off-the-shoulder with white jeans today.

[Thanks FaLaLa* for the vid]

That kind of day

Rah. Rah. rahrahrahhhhh.

Today I'm Lady Gaga.  Because when I wake up in the morning, "I feel just like any other insecure 24-year old.  Then I say 'BITCH - you're Lady Gaga, you get up and walk the walk today.'"

Please.  do not disturbbbbb.

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

"meet me in the kitchen"

Since DMC only gives these kinds of notes out to one special some one, and since I'm still just his copier bitch, everyone else be jones-ing. And it's about to get really inappropriate.

Not for nothing, but my signature line is "meet me in the kitchen"...8th floor though. Too many windows in the 9th floor kitchen, and 10th is pretty much a glorified cubby. Spoiler alert: it's a trap! >>>No Hanks, there is no more left over pizza.

[true life there's a mouse hunt in 8th floor kitchen. ace-some]

Spicing things up @ The Office

Here we have two ace-some (i'm trying out new words for awesome) mouse models for your desktop.

Let these be a warning to all of you who idolize Steve Jobs and Mark Zuckerberg.  All work, no play...sure you will be sitting on a fortune, and you'll be stuck fondling these awkward impostors.  Creeps me the hell out.  GAG.  Stay in school.  Don't overdo it.

Green light means go

Not sure what your walk to work is like, but The City bus stop has set up camp right outside the parking garage. No...we don't have any spare change. No...I don't respond to whistles. And when I'm carrying a muffin to The Office...No...I do not want some large toothless dude hollering, "Hey want me to butter that for you?"

Sorry was my neon Eff Off sign on my forehead not lit up?? Holler Betty.

How's this for a green light:

What exactly is the RSVP protocol for something like this? It's either sneak-attack-slash-engage or shoulder-tap-and-hit-that. Probably more sanitary than biting but who knows how many people have been all up on this.

Eat Me must've crossed the line of social acceptability/vulgarity **side note: this is a chick...** I'm all for tellin big daddy how you like it, but what is this "Lick Me" free for all? Good God money-bags, she's not a happy meal. But in this case there's probably a lot of unhappy customers anyways.

Dear Madame. If you gotta turn around and make them read to seal the deal, maybe pour some coin into a little lift and tuck next time. A brown paper bag at leastttt.  You can go shave your back now.

[Where's my suga been?? Thanks for the pic wtf holla.]

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Boehner says...

Boehner tells Obama to get rid of his economic team...blahblahblah nobody is listening because your last name is awkward.

Does anyone else want to tell this guy to go home? Dude. Your last name is BOEHNER - no doubt pronounced 'boner'. You're a WASPy douchebag. Congratulations on becoming the House Minority Leader - you were almost successful at becoming the slightly more powerful faction of a bureaucracy that gets nothing accomplished every 80 years. No doubt Boehner's been in cahoots with Bush. Can Clinton throw a tip their way? Just the tip that get the stimulus going again.

BAM. That's how it's done.

Will someone get Hiscock on the phone???

Worst Nightmare: headlock-slash-coma

Remember that time I tried detoxing from coffee?

Yeahhhhh.  Not sure how you thought I was surviving Cubicle Land with mono.  But I relapsed and am taking it IV style.  Straight to the arteries.  My biggest fear is getting caught in a headset headlock-slash-coma and having this happen...and becoming the next viral video star:

Street Sledding and Head Injuries

Welp. The facts are in, studies have been completed...street sledding is riskiest for brain injuries...

you don't say.

Kind of like crash testing cars is riskiest for face burns from air bags? Goodness gracious.

What's the word on typing and carpel tunnel???

Monday, August 23, 2010

No I'm not kidding you with this.

We here in Cubicle Land read two things...

the Chronicles (duh) and Barstool.

There you have it...well-rounded, worldly cube kids. Making mom and dad proud. Not for nothing - I envy the mooks who run the Stool. Sitting around all day and ripping on people and blogging and making money and shooting the business with their dumbass friends. Which, actually is a lot like what I already do.

I digress.

Barstool's changed things up with the lady's version, called StoolLaLa. **oooohh la la** Fancy. At first I was like "who is this crotchety girl Jenna anyways - complained about this and that. not cute. not funny. and i'm 100% sick of the dumb cat/dog videos." But then I couldn't stop reading it. And then she put a video of a woman throwing a cat in the garbage. Score.

And then there was Spike.

How their union came to be is unknown to me. Aka I just don't care to read through the blog's archives. Spike is a young man (ish) who seems a lot like my sister's friend Ariel. They're both...special. With a sprinkle of retardation-slash-downs. Bless their hearts. Ariel met my sister 6 years ago at my friend Kara's graduation party...he has called her every day since. Not joking. Sends her hand written letters. Leaves 30 minute voicemails. And whenever he calls the house and I pick up, he thinks I am my mother...Oh, and StoolLaLa writer, Jenna, is a lot like my sister. The parallels tickle me.

So. Spike records himself dancing in his tighty-whiteys on treadmills; Ariel records himself on 22 minute bongo solos. They love their craft and they love sharing it. Or as Spike says, "get my message out there and make a difference."

And for some reason girls like Jenna and my sister love to humor kids like Spike and Ariel. And their friends/followers love it. In fact. Ariel performed at my sister's high school graduation party. He brought his bongos and a cd player as back up that you had to hold to your ear drum to hear. Not awkward. My heart goes out to 'em.

So in order to catapult myself to stardom, I'm going to exploit retards who mean well. Until then...please meet Spike. Props to StoolLaLa for this epic human interest exchange. BTW: Spike loves Justin Bieber.

[Gracias to FaLaLa* and HookerJones for the tip]

Back at it

After three weeks of complete sloth status, I'm back to my usual routine aka 5am gym time. Oh yeah.

Miss much? Nope, just a good old haunting. WTF. Shit straight out of Paranormal Activity (do yourself a favor if you want to sleep through the night - do not see this movie). Strange noises are do-able; creaky stairs or whatever. BUT CEILING TILES DON'T DO THE MACARENA ON THEIR OWN. Haven't seen J-fizz run that fast since the firemen had their fundraiser down the street...Naturally they used me as the sacrificial lamb to scout out the nooks. Eff that. I don't care how many 5-star horoscope days I've had lately, that is not okay.

Crook isn't even here to humor me with miserable bat infestation stories and rabies outbreaks. Ugh it's a lot funnier when some one else is being assaulted by the supernatural.

But I want you all to know that I'm diligently researching, praying, looking over my up the Virgin Mary novena candle before a little cardio, yes?

God will appreciate our sense of humor. >>>>>>>>>>>

Nealon and Laf have volunteered themselves to be body guards-slash-eye candies, since they rock the one piece suits a la Top Gun. Just staple a Ghostbusters decal over the air force stuff, kayyyy? Engage Maverick. Engage. in which case, i insist that the noises from the 12th are definitely a ghost and you should steer clear at all costs...

Friday, August 20, 2010

chik-uh-cherry-cola just looked cool.

Anyone up for a lunch date just down the street from The Office? Nothing screams romance quite like twisting balloons.

Happy day. Chelsea Handler is hosting the VMAs.

Best news ever: Chelsea Handler was chosen to host the VMAs. Well done!

Hello. This woman has built her career around vodka and her dysfunctional family and ridiculous stories. Mel Gibson gets all political and religious, Tom Cruise jumped off the deep end, Angelina Jolie thinks she can adopt every third world country...Chelsea's the in your face, your momma joking, trolliping hot mess that stuck up Hollywood needs. How can you not admire her?

I consider myself a well-read individual. And my college roommate will tell you I'm a Grammar Nazi (but at least I don't correct people with bad-grammar-text-messages...quit that habit a few months ago). But don't be fooled. Mostly I just read Chelsea's books repeatedly, or I Hope The Serve Beer In Hell, or my new favorite: The Secret Diary of a Call Girl. Do yourself a favor and make a couple of those types of memories. Maybe you can contribute some good reads. Any good bite marks/battle scars lately?

Let's be realistic. I carry forks in my purse. Perfection is overrated.

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Watch this kid freakkkk outtt!

This kid is totally hitting the panic button.

EA Sports recently created a Mixed Martial Arts videogame which used the notorious fighter Jason "Mayhem" Miller. As part of the player selection screen, Mayhem got lower fighting statistics than an injured kitten...then was invited to watch the demo at EA headquarters.

Caption Contest: Cubicle Land Edition

Saw this breathtaking vision of a woman on the walk in to The Office this morning.  Wish I had better zoom.

We'll let J-fizz start if off:  "More like...Fire!  Bitch's thighs are going to ignite."


Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Compane Bistro - nom! nom! nom!

Three words: Brick. Oven. Bistro.

Three more words: That's. What's. Up.

I had the great fortune to attend the 'soft opening' of Compane Brick Oven Bistro with my favorite gym crew, courtesy of our girl Sheera. Aside from J-fizz winging me and trying to set me up with the gents, and Joanie B's words of wisdom on 'soggy nuts' - this little taste of Italy is exactly what ROC City needs. A place for friends, family - cozy candle-lit ambience and, of course, DELICIOUS Italian food. The head chef is fresh off the boat from the Mediterranean Boot, serving up some of the classics and some fresh new ideas alongside his cousin Sheera and The Cristofori Familia (aka the owners of the fine new establishment).

The tasting started off with mingling at the main bar with hummus, cheeses, Sicilian-style fried calamari, and arancini...magnifico! Oh, and vino. From there it was arugala salad, fresh pastas/risottos, a lil veal a lil chicken. A whirlwind of flavors and a stomach full of happiness. [You take the gun, I'll take the canoli...]

Puh-lease. What more could you ask for in life? Take a step back and reserve your seat - their grande opening is Thursday night @ 4pm. Nestled right on Main Street in the Village of Fairport. Perfect locale for some good company and good eats on the canal.

When you achieve blogger status, you also may be invited to the VIP soft-opening for a restaurant. Maybe.

Holla Compane Bistro - two thumbs up!

>>Compane's Website:

Get me this guy.

The Trainer - Watch more Funny Videos

Apparently the new big thing is training videos/uploads so you don't even have to leave the comfort of your own home to break a sweat!  As a monolicious couch potato...this is just what I need.  Get me this guy and get me my Shake Weight.

Tempting though it is, downloading work out videos from youtube walks a fine line between a sweet beat work out and beating off..."hell yeah I broke a sweat - killer work out.  Look at my forearms!"


Don't hate...appreciate!

Media's been hating on the twenty-somethings...what gives??
New York Times hits a little too close to home (What Is It About 20-Somethings?) - we have sociologists freaking out because it's taking us so long to “transition to adulthood”... as marked by five milestones: completing school, leaving home, becoming financially independent, marrying and having a child.


Do these sociopaths want to please approach The Boss Man and demand raises for us? Because milestone #2 and #3 require dineros/cahones. Call it a failure to launch or call it entry level jobs but there's definitely a grace period nowadays. Can we do a study on middle-aged women and artificial insemination (a la Jennifer Aniston and J-Lo's new movies??)

These are terrible milestones. And they need a facelift:
  • completing school ...with distinctions in Tappa Tappa Kegga
  • leaving home...of the stranger you met at the bar last night. do not exchange numbers
  • becoming financially way of new credit cards at your favorite mall stops!
  • marrying...whoa there slugger. think before you leap.
  • having children...thing is...LIFE - the first half is ruined by your parents and the second half is destroyed by your kids so capitalize on your 20s bitch.

C'mon Colby, pack yer shit.

Works well with Rhondas

Here's a good one. Cubicle friend from the Big Apple texted me yesterday...

"Oh so I should share this with you...our office manager is a big black woman named Cherie"


"At first I thought she was really nice but then I realized she's not and she's a little nuts. She was sick for a while. And when she came back she ran up to my cubemate (who is also black) and gave her a big hug la la la. She smiled at me today and told me that she didn't remember my name until it showed up on her phone. Keep in mind my cubemate and I have been here the same exact amount of time. So I was like hmm that's strange. So that has continued for like 2 months. She is always happy and smiling around my cubemate but not me. And I've noticed that she treats mostly everyone else like shit. Why? You ask? Think about it. She never answers my emails either."

((OMG I LOVE THISSSS. and I hate cheri...what a rhonda. Give them their own desk and voicemail box and they take the whole effing office. Typical. Spill coffee on her. And then leave voicemails about the temperature of the office, clogged toilets and broken pencil sharpeners. I don't play nice with Rhondas. ))

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Youtube, you spoil me

I don't want to see a headline like this:

Surfer Bleeds to Death After Grisly Shark Attack Off Australian Coast

...if there is no video to accompany it. Just plain rude.

Youtube has completely spoiled me. I'm gonna learn Korean now courtesy of Professor Oh - you are all GTS right now.

Expand your sales savvy - life lessons from 10th floor meetings

So remember when the usual Tuesday Morning Meeting (aka 15 minutes of role call and breathing exercises) turned into Sales Bootcamp?

Not to make it seem like all the Management thinks we're slacking off, but they definitely think we are slacking off.  When the topic of the morning meeting is "Mental Focus" it's not exactly a clue, more like a blaring neon sign on my forehead that they think we are slacking off.


Yes, the Old MacDonald farm silos for storage.  PICTURE THIS: separating the different aspects of your life in order to focus and fire at 100%, separating the aspects into different silos.  One for family, another for your presentation, separate from the smile/dial silo...sure.  Makes sense.  Don't forget to make room for Sexual Harassment Fridays, Email Forwards with Funny Videos, Twelfth Floor Rendez-vous, and Peptic Ulcer.

Where does The Blob fit into it all???????

Good news for us. Sorry Old Yeller

Good news everyone - you can put the tazers away.

Crook got his rabies shot. Phew!

Watch out for those biters. Although, with my track record...

Monday, August 16, 2010

Eatocractic Dictator

Two things prompted this:

Seeing "Eat, Love, Pray" this weekend with HookerJones and BuckWild. We graced the theater with our health and beauty. Nothing makes me want to dial on a Monday quite like watching a 2-hr movie about passion for traveling, passion for life, and having been sedentary with mononucleosis. This is why they won't put me next to a window.

(so why in Monday Morning Meeting does Boss Man declare that most have their lives figured out by 35...wasn't it supposed to be "great by twenty-eight"? how long is this quarter life crisis going to take fo' reallll??)

And America - because no other country would be okay with its CNN having a segment called Eatocracy. As it happens, today was all about the life of a cereal addict. God bless America. p.s. i could totally be the authoritarian ruler of this 'ocracy'...because i. love. cereal. and food in general. Stocking my leadership cabinet with the best...General Mills as secretary of state (see what I did there?) Next stop: world tour *coughDOMINATIONcough*

Oh yeah. And Crook has rabies.

[thanks to BAMF Marianne for the vid]

Saturday, August 14, 2010

Sorry guys I'm taken

Andy Roddick has mono...huh. You don't say.

Now that I've blown up that spot on twitter, facebook, and mass text, nothing is more appropriate on a Saturday night in *due to mono* than to blog it. Seemed like the right thing to do.

Sweet seduction - the secret's out.

We tried to keep it under wraps and between the sheets but that backhand is enough to drive one mad. Lately the only thing that's been close to bursting, besides our spleens, has been our hearts. This fiery burning passion for each other. The distance is unbearable...le sigh! My baby's been toughing it out all summer and he's bringing it home to the US Open at the end of this month. I'm all a'twitter...aka comatose.

Friday, August 13, 2010

PETA wtf

Zoo Brew had me thinking...okay.  It had J-woww thinking..."what animals do I want to snuggle?"

Well.  Everybody freak out about Dodge and the disappearing monkey:

I'll never understand animal activists.  Steak tartare, anyone?

I can't berieve dis

This awesomely horrible computer animation is the EXACT reason why cell phones need to be allowed on airplanes. Nobody caught the awesomely horrible freak out of the airline attendant - so we get Japanese funimation of the 'JetBrue' incident?

[thanks Hanks for the vid]

This is a great day for some of you

Dunkin Donuts effed up my coffee order (how difficult is a large, hazelnut, black - seriously assholes? I was DD employee of the month for four years that is like the first thing you learn, aside from the 5-second rule).

I'm hard pressed to call this 'unlucky' because it's Friday the 13th. It's just sheer stupidity. On the other hand, I'm excited to announce that local college students are gearing up for fall semester, lucky bastards, and their universities are all but rolling joints for them.

Headline: Local colleges increase buying from area growers. Blahblahblah organic this and health food initiatives that...we all know what "communal" and "grass-roots" means.

Not gonna lie, my old rookie teammate Spader is probably tickled with delight.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Madd Hook ups, yo.

Something about college roommates. They just know you. Seriously...they lived with you. And put up with your obnoxious habits, dirty dishes, and horrible taste in late night visitors (but thank God they were there to play interception).

Post-grad has really done a lot for my college roommate, Swolf. I go through technology like I go through life: recklessly. iPods, cell phones, the hook-up apps, blahblahblah effing GOOGLE THAT SHIT - I want the latest most updated cracked out shit you gots and I don't sit still and I just want it allllllllllll. Except for the daily Polycom chokehold courtesy of entry-level sales.

Websites pour out of my eyes and everything's online and it never stopsssss.

But Swolf still has a small boulder with an antenna for a cellular device, and a lock/chain for her 80lb laptop.

So she's sitting with the geek squad at a tech camp for teachers - gchatting away with me...omg. she figured out what gchat is! Now there's all this crazy talk of Skyping (because NOBODY uses MySpace or AIM anymore except pedophiles and your grandma) and Google SketchUp and viral videos! That's right the light has been shown down on her parent's house surrounded by acres of trees, sheltered in Upstate's farm country. In a land where they don't block 99.9% of the best social networking websites...

There are so many useless links I'm gonna send her. Compliments of Cubicle Land's finest and the rest of the World Wide Web.

Smartphone upgrade next? I say yeth.

Dating don'ts

Bring girlfriend to Astros game for a date - get nosebleed seats right in line for every foul ball. Night of happy endings? No Bo, it doesn't quite work that way. The foul ball nailed her harder than he did that night.

Pretty sure it goes: get inducted into NFL Hall of Fame = years of happy least for Cowboy's Michael Irvin who wore his prized yellow jacket to bed and while he was gettin' h___. Pro.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010 waffle fries?

Seems like everyone's had their last straw/nugget/airline customer this week.  We all need to just find our happy places.  I found mine at the Train/John Mayer concert last night.

And apparently so did this young lady...

Gone-zo before either band came on in the middle of the lawn.  Solid performance.

Today's Upsdates: Viral Farse and Rabies

Public Service Announcement:

Yesterday's post-slash-photo-"I Quit"-shoot was a total scam.  Can't believe we fell for it.  Now I hate the Chive.  But the airline attendant who quit and bounced out the emergency exit totally happened.

Also...Crook has rabies.  Hopefully he takes note and doesn't start walking around 'looking down' or foaming at the mouth or anything.  Might give management the wrong impression.

Carry on.

Short bus sizzled

As for the 80ft of flames blasting out the back - solid. All practicality and fire hazard concerns aside, this is totally Magic School Bus status. Miss Frizzle wazzzzuppp!

Does it also have a siren? It should have a siren...

The kids on the short bus never saw this one coming.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010


Just got called into a meeting because my VP thinks that I've been "looking down".

Are you cereal????? I HAVE F***-ING MONO ya ding-dong.

Smile and dial and sell appointments - doing it, been doing, gonna keep doing it. Sorry that I cannot be Sarah Effing Sunshine with goddamn fucking rainbows coming out my ass at all other times. CUZ I FEEL LIKE THE SANDMAN HIMSELF DRAGGED ME THRU A FIELD OF DREAMSSSSSS. Ba-jeeeeezus.

The "I Quit" Slideshow. Best EVER.

Most awesome way to quit your job EVERRRRR.

Please read this and salute Jenny for her work as a twenty-something in an entry level job.

[courtesy Sink-o]

My First Time

Not gonna lie. I'm probably the only female in America that has never seen more than a single episode from any one season of Bachelor/Bachelorette. So last night was the new season premier. I picked a good first...[insert joke about cherry pie here]...see what I did there?

Here's a full roster that I don't care to post or comment on. Just 19 really good looking people wearing very little clothing all under one roof. A lot like The Office minus the cubicle walls and florescent lighting. See, human nature pretty much plateaus after age 12 when those hormones start to kick in.

The Bachelor Pad - season whatever. Bunk beds and night vision. Crazy-girl-syndrome and straight up douch-baggery. This season lacks a lot of class. Of course I love it already. And I love Jesse Kovacs - who, for 28.3 minutes of the episode, spewed word vomit trying to wrangle himself from the wrath of crazy girl Elizabeth. Also, he's bad boy hottttt. And a total asshole. So Kovacs and Elizabeth - I love them both so much that I don't even know who else is on the show.

Here's their background: They boned (probably like three or four times over the past few months) and Elizabeth has fallen hard, while Kovacs seems fairly content with just texting her after the bar on Saturday night. Hmm. So now that they're both at said 'Bachelor Pad' the tension is tangible. And it looks a lot like Elizabeth saying "tell everyone you love me or else the girls will back me up and vote you off" and a lot like Kovacs pleading "holy shit I can't believe I ever put my *#@% inside this nutcase".

Thank you ABC for my first time. I feel like I should just stay in bed and smoke an entire pack of cigs.

So Monday nights at 8pm...I'll take two rufilin cocktails pleaseandthankyou.

Monday, August 9, 2010

Spoken Like A True Telemarketer

Hanks: Hey Colby. Do you ever just hang up on some one?

Colby: Uh. Nope. No I fight...til my last breath.

...hmm. I just curse and throw my receiver/headphones/anything within arm's reach.

Dey Rapin' Errrrbody!

**STICKY NOTE: there is NOTHING funny about rape. but there is EVERYTHING funny about low-income, zero education, cousin-friendly southerners who scream stuff like "dey rapin' errr-body round here!" on national news stations. also...the culprit legit climbed a garbage can, hopped on some platform and all but scaled the building to get into the window. he should have taken a note from "The Office Parkour" post.

[Thanks to roomie/cube-detainee-from-another-office, AshCa$h for this awesome, excellent video tip]

Does this look like the face of Salem Witch Trials 2010?

Of all the possibilities, opportunities, that an ID kid sister used mine to get books out at the library.  Which really impressed-slash-amazed me since it usually gets a lot of mileage on Thursday/Friday/Saturday nights.  Until this weekend, when a $19.00 late fee came addressed to me for "A Witch's Grimoire of Ancient Omens, Portents, Talismans, Amulets, and Charms."

Geez.  What blind-bat library lady let this ruh-tard take out three volumes of tarot reading and hexing from the shelves? What happened to book burning, conspiracy theory, and CIA showing up at your door for treason...or does that come with the 90-day late fee?

FYI: my sister and i look NOTHING alike.

Cuz imma totally put a spell on you.

Friday, August 6, 2010

The Fun Never Stops

Since I'm just a vision of health and beauty today, you have Miss Marcy, Hanks, and Nealon (and their email submits) to thank for today's post.

>>>Offices Spaces to envy... Google Zurich (featured photo)
There's some other cool ones to consider (Google offices are still better tho)
and some insanely upbeat guy who thinks 9-5 is 'happy hour'...clearly he has never been to Lola's.

>>>"Cubicle Warfare: Tighten, Toss, and Run"
Get in line for your belt holster.

>>> And Nealon's addition had to be dragged out of the Spam folder.
Everything about it screams "HR violation" but, whatever I'm blogging from home today.

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Kids these days

This is from a NYTimes article. About video games or arcades or something.

Photo caption reads: From left, Rebecca Curtis kisses Michael Thomas as Peter Kokolis and Andre Scott dance.'re saying that when Mom & Dad thought little Mikey was just going to play some pin ball with the boys. At the old arcade. A place for wholesome, childhood fun. They had no idea he'd be playin the Miss Pac Man and really getting his game going. Sure, Mom & Dad, throw him a couple extra bucks for quarters, he got all his homework done and took out the trash. Should have just bought him Twister. Or Monopoly (but we know where that got me). And as for sweet little Becky - atta girl.

"The Office Parkour"

J-woww with an excellent addition to yesterday's posting. Solid.

That would happen.

So I have this friend.  Lifelong friend (since second grade) that is the proverbial Betty to my twenty-something Wilma.  Not exactly partner...more like my crime.

Betty has taken leave to Romania... for about a month.  How she could do this to me is acceptable only because she's building churches and sharing the gospel or something.  Her parting words: "Don't do anything stupid while I'm gone."

And thennnn I managed to go and get myself mono.  Typical.

It wasn't exactly on my twenty-something bucket list.  Guessing it was more of coincidental cause/effect thing relating to the bucket list.  And it totally puts a fun-suck on my weekend board game tournaments...

Best part: when the doctor asked, "what do you do for a living?" and I told him..."Why sir, I smile and dial."  He goes, "oh.  so you should be fine going to work."  Wtf.

So go ahead and give me your best cube's already quarantined and nobody wants to share my coffee mug anymore.  These are some of my favorites:
only like 14 year olds get that shit. and you are now part of that special group of horny youngins getting their kicks. - Amangela
Bitch you are playing cards from now on.  Board games got your ass in trouble. - J-fizz
Who the hell you been making out with? - my manager
I don't know why everyone's so worried.  I quit my licking habit like 3 weeks ago.  WHO WANTS A SMOOTHIE??

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

This is awesome:

Question: where can I get one and are they housebroken?

Because we don't get to watch Shark Week

Because there are so many unknown names/faces on Floors 9 & 10, I feel like I no longer am the eyes and ears of Cubicle Land...naturally I've resorted to total creeper status. How have I missed out on this guy?? Just kidding.

Ya'll can thank Hanks for this submisison...[].

Why are we sitting in The Office when we could be
watching Shark Week?

Who said Smiling and Dialing had to be no fun and games?

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

What does it mean to graduate from Cubicle Land?

I don't know what happened, but I looked around the Totally Tubular Tuesday AM Meeting and thought "WTF - who are all these people?" Have the cube walls been closing in? Dare I say that I have a bit of cube vision? In just a year, nay, three months there's been weeding out, moving up, or moving out. And all left are a few good soldiers.

Most have moved on. Bless their hearts. And the rest of us us, after hours of smiling and dialing, are at a crossroads. New kids...well, you'll soon figure it out.

But then there's always the promise of Office Status. Which, four solid walls and a door? Who knows what else could happen behind closed doors. Yes please. That way it's all about GTS (googling that shit) and perusing your daily YouTube clips, articles and blogs *ahem* in COMPLETE PRIVACY. We are all trying to disguise ourselves as functioning adults our VP's family photo:

Yes. Fake stash. God I can't wait to have kids.

All I ever wanted in life was an ice cold Vitamin Water

How can you not love a drink with flavors like Triple XXX? Doesn't it suggest the insane high...the killer road raging flow of juices and sassy attitude (or "bad-ittude") it's gonna give you? Of course it does! My cube trash can is now a VW bottle grave yard.

Time to revive and accessorize. G's just not hitting the spot anymore. Move over Gatorade, mama's found a new fixxx.

Oh. And this doesn't change anything about the daily 8 [cups of coffee].

Office Elites and Dead Beats

Main man with office mojo, Steve Carell, never ceases to amaze me. Dinner for Schmucks was a solid hour and a half of squirming "Well-that-was-awkward" moments. Premise: office elites host a monthly dinner and each is expected to bring the biggest effing idiot they can find. Which is not unlike our daily lunches (last week Hanks was our usual guest of honor...). The most outrageous guest gets the award and the office elite who invited said guest gets props. Not that I'm big on judging...I just have a lot of thoughts.

Nothing like using others to get ahead in life.

Park Ave Fest this weekend will be prime time freak finding. Bring your seersuckers.

Monday, August 2, 2010

NEW YORK – You're never too young to write a memoir.
Sixteen-year-old Justin Bieber's book comes out in October. HarperCollins announced the pop star's memoir on Monday, saying "Justin Bieber: First Step 2 Forever: My Story" will reveal the teen sensation's "amazing journey to stardom."
The book also will include previously unseen photos for "fans afflicted with Bieber fever."  In a statement released by the publisher, Bieber says he is "excited to share just a little bit more of my world." [AP]

Insider scoopsss: the first chapter is dedicated to the footsie pajama fetish of J Biebs and his battle with chicken pox (and the sky high Bieber Fever of 102 that came with those awful pox).  Is this going to be a color by number type booklet?

Some one please clarify what "excited to share just a little bit more of my world" means.  You are 16 freaking years old.  You don't even remember Fat Topenga!  Probably weren't alive.  Your balls haven't dropped and roasting mallows on a Friday night is the most exciting thing you've done lately.  When you've mooned a cop, blown a line of coke or at least stopped breastfeeding and using training wheels, then please enlighten us with your cookie-cutter launch to stardom.

Allow me to ruin the ending: Lindsey Lohan = Justin Bieber in 7 years.

I'm waiting for my girl Leeny "Cheddar" Covs to start spinning the dead baby Bieber jokes. 

A few of my favorite things...

When I go downtown with the girls on a Saturday night, having been mistaken for my mother is NOT one of my favorite things. Period.

It went something like this:
Waiting in line to get into The Pig (a bar...about as classy as its name indicates) with HookerJones and BuckWild, I saw my sister's friend. Who is 21..ish. So we had the typical exchange: "omg I can't believe I'm seeing you out! omg let's have a drink as soooooon as I get in!" Which is what older siblings/friends are supposed to do when we see the little ones out. It's a rite of passage. And then I couldn't find her. Shame...but I saw another one of my sister's friends later on waiting in line for the bathroom. She freaked out and said, "Like OMG!! Kar said that your mom was here!! And like was gonna buy her a shot!!!" ...death and destruction to my twenty-something ears... I explained to Friend #2 that, no, it was in fact me that promised the alcohol bonding experience...not my 50yr old mother. (disclaimer: i hope to look half as good as my mom when i'm 50. but i'm 23. let's not get ahead of ourselves)
That was awesome. Then HookerJones almost took a tumble down a man hole in front of five cops.