Friday, February 26, 2010

Cabin Fever


That term, although clever, isn't really acceptable for Upstate New York...maybe for North Carolina where they in fact experience hurricanes. Then it'd be a cute little pun, plastered all over the media. They'd probably even make some "I Survived the Snowicane 2010" t-shirts.

Pretty sure it's just a blizzard.

Schools, colleges - closed. Vehicles spun out on the highway. Most podmates were stuck digging their cars out from under the foot of snow that dropped from the heavens overnight. Luckily, even with my driving record, my mom lent me her NEW Acura MDX. Luckily, I had a fender before I even made it out of my neighborhood [sweeeeeet].

Is the internet failing out for anyone else? I mean, I've been stuck in The Office stairwell before - but only for 20 minutes. We'd probably kill each other if we were marooned here because of a power outage...or have a spontaneous dance party.

It'd be like LOST: The Office.

NYS is closing down the thru-way. Our city is shutting down major roads to plow and salt. Sweet surrender we gotta get outta here!

Everyone, head over to Legends, we'll throw back a few and then sled our way home.

HookerJones has a bit of cabin fever...she's staring mindlessly at her telephone receiver, squeezing a partially inflated birthday balloon...I think she's got the blizzard on her mind. And by blizzard I mean - Blizzard, not some snowicane. So where can I find me a Dairy Queen?

Thursday, February 25, 2010

The Weather Outside is Frightful

Thank goodness we can take refuge.

While the rest of the world is rushing to the grocery store in grave anticipation for the 'snowicane' - we've been listlessly twiddling our thumbs, dialing through our call lists.

We'll see what tomorrow's commute has in store...

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

No Glow, No Show

Is this real life?

At an AHL hockey game this weekend with HookerJones, The Butler, and a few other Office buddies, we were hostage to a band of hockey jocks and the cast of Star Wars. Somebody had the brilliant idea to award a plastic light stick to every knee-biting-kiddo upon entry - only encouraging them by having costumed freaks parade around the arena.

The 11-year olds were entertaining - but the Star Wars junkies? Not so much.

I wonder what it's like through the eyes of a cyberspace crazy. As a Star Wars fan, I'll admit, the movies were worth my childhood interests. And even now I still appreciate Lucas' dynasty. But let's get one thing straight: I will never be role-playing as Princess Leia to anybody's Han Solo.

I couldn't help but stare at these full-body, intricate costumes - do you think they speak in alien tongues too? I immediately texted non-cubicle friend, J-Fizzle, to alert her...she wished me well and said that if I did pick myself up a new 'friend', she hoped that the batteries for their lightsaber wouldn't run out, "No Glow, No Show!"


To be honest, the small army of 11-year olds had much better game. Another beer or two could have really put HookerJones in a compromising position. They charmed us with pictures of their girlfriends on their cell phones...and they were yelling at each other about 'naked wrestling' with their girlfriends (ummmm???).

Then again, we can't judge. We sit in 5x5 boxes for over 40 hours each week tethered to Polycom phones.

So whether from our quadrilateral quarters, behind a storm trooper's helmet, or from the eyes of a pee-wee hockey make it in the real world or in fantasy land, you just gotta...

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

How To Lose A Sale in 10 Ways

Really there's only 1 way to lose a sale...

by NOT smiling and dialing!

It's a struggle to maintain such poise and intensity, aight???

So apart from and the late afternoon horoscope readings, you gotta have something to help you through.

Most of the time I'll find a 'rando' in my email contact list and shoot out some ramblings. Watch out Hallmark, there's a more endearing way to personalize that 'thinking of you' urge; I call it E-mail Roulette. I actually have two email addresses...keep your eyes peeled for that inbox shout-out.

HookerJones avidly solicits co-workers on their way to the copier - she's raising funds in her plastic surgery tin.

C-dawg's had many projects: dialing, flower pressing, dialing...

Since the world outside The Office is still a snow globe, C-dawg and I have to suppress the urge to run sprints through the pods. Until we can hit up the hill for our post workday marathoning (aka light jogging in circles), the most intense calorie burner is typing up emails...which isn't even too promising since I'm at 10WPM these days.

Chi-chetti's been very focused these days. He was even here after hours one day *gasp* We're launching an investigation, he must be hiding the Kool-aid somewhere in his desk.

The new guys have certainly spiced things up - NLSts sandwich! You'd think that their fresh go-getter attitudes would put a smile on my face but unless they start fetching me coffee on the hour, and unless Groupware can reboot, there's no way I'll be able to turn my frown upside down.

Let's work our spin-savvy and brainstorm How to Close a Sale in 10 Ways.

BUTLER!!!! HOW'S FLOOR 10?? miss you.

Monday, February 22, 2010

Bye Bye Butler

Today we mourn the departure of our beloved podmate, The Butler.

Friday, February 19, 2010

World's Greatest (Walk of Shame)

"the humpty dance is the trance, do the hump! oh humpty baby do the humpty hump!"

A friend texted me today, told that they were listening to R. Kelly's "World's Greatest". Good beats. And it prompted this very blog post.

At 11am EST, Tiger Woods addressed his fans/former followers/gossip queens. Thanks to we here in Cubicle Land were witness to the world's greatest walk of shame. Very long overdue. (The Butler and HookerJones were wondering who wrote it - very well done.)

The term 'walk of shame' never quite made sense to me. Most people I know aren't usually ashamed of a little bang-bang-boom; another notch in their belt. But watching his conference was like being at a funeral. Yikes. Imagine: grovelling for forgiveness, formal attire, the most somber of audience members (with Kleenex in hand). That is a true walk of shame.

What a shithead.

What happened to loyalty and the sanctity of a vow? In the face of all this infidelity, we are reminded of true American spirit these days by the stunning performance of Team USA in Vancouver. For better or worse, from coaches to couch potatoes, we are there for our athletes.

And then there's The Office. I'll be damned if one of my podmates turns their back on The Office. Seriously, here in Cubicle Land we are all about The Office. It's just seething from our pores. We dine together, frequent bars together, share gossip - basically spending most of our waking hours together.

This bond, this brotherhood, must be branded. Let's get tattoos.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

I Wonder What It's Like To Be Head Honcho

I wish the real world would just stop hasslin' me.

C'mon - Real World by Matchbox 20? That's a classic!

So B-fab was a vegetarian once. Not because of animal rights or anything; she just hates the texture of meat. Also The Butler was trying to pitch American Apparel to us pod prepsters. Nothing like some striped neon leggins and a headband to get ready for the Ugly Disco.

It's been what, 8 months since The Butler, HookerJones and I started this job? Probably one of the longest committed relationships I've ever had. That's nice.

The neat thing about having been with the company for 3 years (as a summer intern, now as a full-timer) - I've been witness to incredible change. And that's a cool thing to be a part of. Right now we are the little babies of The Office, fresh minds to be molded.

A word of advice...once we fine soldiers of sales make it to bigger and better salaries, remember the grace period. Notice the new hires - all eager and chomping at the bit. Notice the veterans - painting our nails and partially comatose. That grace period hits circa month 3 of employment. And that's when, as the head honcho, you either need to give 'em the ax or capitalize on their teeming twenty-something energy. Otherwise they start picking up poor habits like, I dunno, discussing clothing lines, vegetarianism and...blogging.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Love Life

Lacking material and lacking motivation....after all, it's Fat Tuesday (and we're still recently in the wake of Valentine's Day).

So today there's a special feature. Let's all welcome guest blogger, HookerJones.

Hey Hooker!

HookerJones emailed the pod today. Subject line: Love Life

It was a simple article about simple people of simple means...simple people at the bottom of the corporate food chain; the cubicle cronies. And although it seemed a lot like medieval prophets preaching religion to the peasants, we were all able to squeeze some bits of comfort from the article. Like maybe it's not about amassing insane amounts of money to afford all of our luxuries and vices, but perhaps it's about making time for the things we enjoy (and therefore the material things will no longer be needed to pacify our morale).

Sorry for any negative vibes. Allow me to crank the optimism. A job is a job. It's a paycheck. We don't live to work, we work to live...and living's the Pay Day Dinners with the girls and some extra change to spend and concert tickets and taking a random day off. That's the good stuff.

Also there's some long forgotten mistletoe hanging over the row. Um, one of the new to the center of the row. Right now.

Friday, February 12, 2010

"How To Make It In America"

Sweet twenty-something perfection!!!

HBO's new series, "How To Make It In America", is all about a couple of hometown pals trying to make it. See? Didn't I say it's all gonna go back to the little man; the individuals??

There's a lot to be said for the mass appeal it could have. But. After some diligent Google searching, with the 40million HBO subscribers and 114.9million homes with televisions in the USofA, I'm sensing a disconnect.

Cuz if one thing is certain, unless you're part of the upper crust (or still riding the wave at your parent's house), then no twenty-something is going to have effin' HBO. Hence, if you're part of the upper crust you probably A) can't relate and B) can rest assured that you've pretty much already made it (or had it made by someone else for you).

Seriously. If I'm really trying to 'make it', my 4:10am-11pm day tends to wrap up with 30seconds of conscious tv viewing circa 11:01pm; at which point I become comatose. Thus, a twenty-something living on their own and paying rent, car payments, insurance, etc will likely NOT be able to afford more than basic cable and will likely NOT be able to afford 60 minutes of engaged viewership.

Being a part of the boomerang gang, I'll venture a guess that plenty of us are still parking it at the parental crib. That'll make up for any data 'disconnect' that I just argued. But then again I really was just arguing for argument's sake.

Conveniently the first episode of "How to Make it in America" is a freeeee iTunes download this week!! Holler! So now you'll have it, commercial-free, for your dreary morning commute. Or you can bum it in your free time. Now we're talking.

Looking forward to an official review of the first episode.

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

The Seeds of Entreprenuership

Forget this. I'm opening up a flower shop.

It will be called Flowers & Fortunes.

Flowers for flowers. Duh. Fortunes because HookerJones will be hired as the company soothsayer. It'll be like a 2-f0r-1 special. Buy flowers for your loved one, find out if they actually love you.

The Butler will launch all commercials and promotional campaigns. But instead of a monkey I'd rather have a parrot. Because parrots can talk and are more personable. And I'll get to make these unilateral decisions because in this fight-or-flight economy, immediate action is necessary at all times. In fact, employees will have to attend the weekly "Rose Ceremony"...anyone not pulling their weight will be cut from the crew. Essentially, pruning and removing the figurative thorns from the Flowers & Fortunes team.

C-dawg will be in charge of team building activities like group waterings and coffee outings. Additionally, C-dawg will handle our 'no-refund' company policy.

Chi-chetti will be the gatekeeper. Can't bullshit a bullshitter.

Our averaged-height staff will be able to accommodate all of your greenery needs. Chocolates are complimentary (as long as average height staff can resist the temptation).

It could be the next reality tv show.

In other words, everything relating to Cubicle Land, sales, leads, all crap. It's a glorified way of painting that picture of the American Dream for youngins. But isn't your success in Sales based on the effort you put forth? They should really tell you that it's capitalism based on bondage. Because really you're just a wave-rider on someone else's credible coattails.

Isn't that just a rose thorn in your side?

Monday, February 8, 2010

Existentialism and Cubism

Don't let the title deceive you. The subject matter of this blog entry is significantly less intellectually demanding than you may think.

Basically, poor Magpie is wondering "WTF AM I DOING HEREEEEE???"

It's okay. This is a typical twenty-something response to cubicle confinement. You're not alone. At times like these, I like to reflect on lives of greater, influential leaders...

"Continuous effort - not strength or intelligence - is the key to unlocking our potential. "
-Winston Churchill

C'mon, that guy did something right. And I guess that's all well and good but when you figure that your 80 dials on a telephone pad each day are contributing to The Office's success by only a fraction of a percent, life seems pretty dull.

To spice things up the Cube Chat today focused on women with mutliple Vs (ummmm?) and I can't even describe the site over in the 3rd pod that I witnessed: BuckWild was perfecting her domestic sandwich-making skills, hovering over TBag who looked like a child in a high-chair. Nothing like a PBJ to get you through the day.

Also. Do you think that it will be feasible for The Office to do a trade with a medical marijuana center in California?

That would totally blast our minds while we prophesize and contemplate our quadrilateral existence.

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Public Service Announcement

The cubicle gods hath heard my cries, for yesterday I had a cube buddy! HookerJones' porn perusing got a little out of hand and her computer crashed (nice job, Ace). So for a few hours I had some one across the aisle to toss the beanbag with, some one to make faces at. She was very understanding that my fine motor skills rival that of an elephant seal (arf! arf!).

Breaking from blogging to bring you a Public Service Announcement. Homeownership may not be all that it's cracked up to be.
My non-cubicle friend, J-fizzle, is in a bit of a jam:

I need your help.
I urgently need to sell my new dishwasher. Rob is not happy that I've wasted money on this particular model and insists that I get rid of it ASAP.

So, to keep the peace in my home, please consider making an offer... All offers will be considered.
If not interested, forward to your friends for me. Thanks!

I have included a picture below.

Kind of an expensive model but look at the features…

Be ready to perform regular maintenance. And yes, the detachable faucet is included...

HookerJones is avidly researching this brand's computer models.
Hit ext 548 to place your order.

(C-dawg, please close your mouth and control your breathing.
You're frightening the interviewees.)

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Six More Frigid Weeks

The cubicle cronie peeped its head out of the top of its cube this morning. Only to see its shotty sales numbers and quickly ducked back into the cube for another six weeks of ...dialing?

Happy Groundhog's Day.

The pressures of the corporate totem pole have been leaning down on us. Pretty sure it has nothing to do with a groundhog...we can't even see the sun. More meetings. Taking roll call like we're coming in from recess or something. Quotas. Got a great few weeks ahead.

I'm gonna need a few extra packets of Splenda in my morning coffee so my days aren't so, ya know...bitter.

Monday, February 1, 2010

Big Guns

Today they brought in the big guns.

An actual repair man came in to take care of the miserable printer. And still it doesn't print. Free coffee compensates the added stresses of having to replicate pages by hands (nothing can comp the added stress of having to decipher your co-workers' handwriting.).

The Butler is readying for her debut on the next season of The Bachelor. Every contestant needs an angle...peanut butter allergy? good girl gone bad? how about the mayor's daughter...trying to find love among politics (credit Chi-chetti with that one!).

We'll be in charge of her interview video, and therefore her success. If all else fails she maybe we can get her on Maury for something romance gone wrong, suing for a tragic elevator accident...