Monday, November 30, 2009
Okay. Raise your hand if you wanted to launch your cell phone/alarm clock across the room this morning. Don't you love when the days start to blur together? I woke up on Friday thinking it was Sunday, then remembered it was Friday, then freaked out because I thought I was supposed to be in the office, then realized it was the Friday following Thanksgiving (at which point the left over pumpkin pie was calling my name).
Nothing like a little family time to make one yearn for their cubicle. I have not looked at the Texts From Last Night website since last Wednesday! This is like Christmas morning!
Since I'm taking the time to re-acclimate myself with the World Wide Web, gotta catch up on pop culture mishaps...typically "Prime Time in No Time" is my fallback and wow, few people are creepier than Bob Saget (he got some PTNT airtime). Way to ruin every fond memory and life lesson from "Full House". Actually that statement's irrelevant since my most vivid (and only) flashback from that show is Uncle Jesse getting stuck in a tree when he was skydiving on his wedding day.
While I wasted away on the couch this weekend, HookerJones and The Butler reminded me, with texts, pics and videos, that there is life outside The Office. They were in NYC for an all day shopping spree. My college roommate sent me a pic of the UConn/Duke NCAA basketball game she was attending at MSG.
The festive holiday lights are up around my cube. HookerJones spruced up the pod with obnoxiously large bows and additionally, she brought each podmate an advent calendar! No, we are not politically correct.
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Ever notice how everything seems to creep up now that you're working 9-5 every day? Weekends come and go in a blur. It's almost December...Christmas, etc. will be here before we know it.
Thanksgiving Eve. Twenty-somethings will be making the pilgrimage home to their families and to their high school crew to start the season in fine fashion.
I can almost taste the $4 pitchers now...
I remember rumors about a 5 year reunion for my graduating class. Not necessary. I'll just hit the local bar and see all 420 former classmates, just like last year, that I crossed the stage with back in June 2005. (holy shit. it's 2009).
My twenty-something path has been paved with stubs from the last six months' paychecks. It hasn't been the same story for most of my hometown friends - grad school, time abroad (guess who's buying tonight!). Kidding. Looking forward to seeing everyone's current life status...and just like you, I'll be comparing my successes to everyone I reconnect with tonight. Too soon?
Holidays are great because of the traditions and memories. In fact, this time last year brings up two exciting stories from my youth:
1) Last year, as a senior in college, I arrived home for Thanksgiving break with a hickey that could have stopped traffic. Strange enough my parents said nothing.
2) Last year, out for Thanksgiving eve, my cell phone took a dive in the pitcher. I lied and told my parents that some one had spilled their glass and my phone was in the disaster zone...they bought it. The rest of the night, I made it quite clear that everyone would have to "landline!" me. Also when we sat down at a table there were some one's untouched wings that I dominated, nom! (yeah that's right. wanna fight?)
After all of the food and all of the booze, the holiday season (and a three week detox) will officially be underway.
PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT COURTESY OF MY HOMIE:
My Homie says, "in case you ever felt like dabbeling in this illicit activity...think
about your complexion."
Sales is 80% looks! These are career choices.
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
My fellow twenty-somethings, we are the 'boomerangs'. We've been termed as such because we go away to school and, in most cases, return home.
A brief scan of our floor at The Office: 17 associates...ages 20-29...only 4 live at home with their parents. The term is therefore debatable. Sounds like hype and a little too much eagerness to pin us down. I'm looking to find the figurative twenty-something pulse, it doesn't seem to be saying "boomerang". If anything we're more willing to pack up and peace out to take a less glamorous job away from home (if we cannot find one locally).
My dilemma: why would I chose to move out of my parent's house, only to pay ~$600 for my own place if I'd only be there from 7pm-4:15am on week days? I'm usually asleep for most of that time anyways. As long as I'm still working at The Office, then I'll still be living at home. Even if I don't want to.
Living on my own, I certainly wouldn't be able to afford to spend $30 every time I go to the grocery store on necessary items like window decorations and break-and-bake cookies for The Office.
My point: It's hard times out there! "Boomerang" doesn't exactly do us justice. I'd say we're a lot less dependent than Wall Street and the housing market right now. Without the inexperienced and naive twenty-somethings, willing to do the grunt work and take borderline-abusive pay, who would be keeping capitalism afloat in this country?? And while I'm having this introspective moment, it's important to remember that everyone has to start somewhere. Patience.
And when in doubt, put out!
Monday, November 23, 2009
I went bowling on Saturday, found myself experiencing some culture shock.
Dude (in picture) was fresh from head to toe. Not a scuff on the Nikes, hat tilted just to the right - colors coordinated perfectly. Yeah I def wore jeans and a zip up hoodie, make-up was hit or miss. Please note the picnic table rag that hangs delicately from Dude's back pocket. I zoomed in for the close-up...
And while it looks like this new trend calls attention to creativity and expression, it's completely off-base. While Dude probably threw down $15 for this hankey, he doesn't know that it's actually a scarf. A scarf that, when worn in South America (namely, Chile), is wrapped around one's neck. When I studied abroad in Santiago, the capital of Chile, there was a great debate over public and private schooling. The funding was completely skewed and kids who didn't go to private schools were at an unbelievable disadvantage for jobs, higher education, and quality of life. Students boycotted and held protests and vigils (private and public school students alike! bet you'd really appreciate your education if you had to fight for it.).
Imagine emerging from the metro and finding yourself in a mob...people screaming, running in all directions. Mayhem. You see an armored vehicle roll by. It blasts kids with high-powered water hoses from ten feet away. A SWAT van pulls up and guards (with guns) run out. Yeah. You see kids get grabbed by the arms, even tackled, and thrown in the van. Not to mention that your eyes and throat are now stinging...the armored cars have released tear-gas. You run because you might be next.
Students wear the scarves to protect themselves from the tear gas. It's not really a fashion statement. Then there are things like jelly beans...
The Butler's bag of Jelly Belly's is almost tapped out. Among the numerous treats that our pod keeps (100 calorie packs, Blow Pops, Splenda packets), Jelly Belly's have a unique story. Talk about a cultural mishap: The first eight flavors were produced in 1976. "Soon Jelly Belly became the favorite candy of Ronald Reagan, who eventually made the beans a staple in the Oval Office and on Air Force One after he was elected president. President Reagan's passion for jelly beans inspired Blueberry flavor, which was cooked up so he could serve red, white, and blue beans at his inaugural parties. Diplomats and world leaders clamored to have Jelly Belly beans. And guess what? Jelly Belly was also the first jelly bean in outer space. Free floating, weightless Jelly Belly beans were sent on the space shuttle Challenger in 1983 as a presidential surprise for the astronauts. Coincidentally, it was the same mission that boasted another bit of history -- the first American female astronaut, Sally Ride." - jellybelly.com (photo borrowed from http://www.roadsideamerica.com/story/3480)
We'll have lots to consider the next time we wrap ourselves in a scarf before braving the world outside The Office or the next time we pop a few Jelly Bellys at snack time.
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Good thing that my dad works from home and will be manning the calls/texts all day. Good thing that my dad knows how to operate my phone (it's a Palm, even I don't know how to operate it sometimes).
In fact, my text conversations actually look like instant messaging files...
Also, realllll good thing that there may be some entirely inappropriate text convos on there. Like, the won't-be-able-to-look-Daddy-in-the-eye-for-everrrrrr kind. Cri-mu-neeeeeee. He's not known to snoop, but you never know what messages might pop up onto the screen...I hope I don't get any attention from anybody today.
EPIC buzz kill.
There's only one thing to do...RETAIL THERAPY! Tiffany's mailer came yesterday. Paycheck comes tomorrow. Hmmm. I'm between a few, rather than splurge on a holiday charm that's only seasonal, I'm thinking about a few classic pieces: Tiffany Note letter pendant ("N") or Elsa Peretti Doughnut ring. <-- yeah the ring sounds super classy right? it's just a rounded silver ring, it's a designer piece, got it? Nothing like a lil gift to yourself and lil added debt.
Whether you're paid weekly, bi-weekly, on the 1st and 15th of each month...seems like your cash is spend before it's even in the bank. Transportation, food, alcohol, a random trip to the mall. How do struggling twenty-somethings cope? One thing is to bring a bagged lunch. Brewing your own coffee saves tonsssss, especially if you like the lattes and specialty drinks from Starbucks - that's like saving $5 each grande order! Hope my moment of wisdom helped you on your way to building your dreams.
And then there's those national expenses...
Like Sarah Palin's new book. Is she serious? Unfortunately, she will no doubt break the bank with this. Lose the presidential race? No big, she'll be raking in bigger bucks than Obama in no time (and will be worrying more about perfecting her signature than she will be about national security).
Most of you will probs join Palin's book tour hype and run to the nearest Barnes & Noble for the new, over-priced, bestseller to be; but save your $$$$ - wait for the movie.
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Of course I'm the only white girl in there. Of course the friendly 19-year-old community college student corners me. Had braces and a look of innocence. He was a master of his craft...starting off with simple "get to know you" questions, where would I suggest he continue his education to complete his degree? Then *BAM* - he's starting a business and needs partners. WTF. I prayed for some one call my cell or to try and rob me. Then he proceeds to grill me for more information. "Here, let me get your number," - um, no son, I'll give you my fake email address. I feigned dumb and told him that I left my business cards at the office. Not to worry, our little entrepreneur brought some lined paper that he'd no doubt ripped out of his Econ 101 notebook (so legit.). Said he'd love to meet for coffee or something to discuss business. Christ. I about threw my $1.35 at the cashier for a pack of gum and high-heeled it safely back to The Office. Never leaving the home turf without back up again.
I have to make an amendment to yesterday's entry: HookerJones should be credited with www.retailmenot.com - she in fact passed on the good word to Kenny and The Butler.
HookerJones is telephoning a clown today....Cupcake Jones. Dead serious.
Next time you feel like being an ass, call your friend, "Hi. I'd like to order a clown." Guaranteed laugh.
The Butler brought in fat free chips that were made with Olestra. What is this new chemical? I researched for the most credible information on Wikipedia, of course. Olestra is able to dissolve lipid-soluble vitamins such as vitamin D, vitamin E, vitamin K, and vitamin A, along with carotenoids. Fat soluble nutrients consumed along with Olestra products are excreted along with the undigested Olestra molecules...aka it makes you shit. Wish she'd brought them in yesterday - would have made for an interesting ghetto mini mart getaway.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Perhaps management's way to boost morale right before the weekend, as if to say, "here's an extra incentive for making it to Friday," a sort of thank you for squeezing 8 more hours out of your life.
Don't kid yourself, if you come into the office wearing jeans and some Nike kicks, you're not getting any work done that day. Casual Friday is a terrible idea. It's pretty much a de-motivator.
One of our departments at The Office gets to dress down every Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday. Does this mean that the only day they are mentally checked in is Monday? Now consider the fact that no other department is awarded this 'privilege'...how do you think we feel - The Office's proverbial middle children! (yes, your hearts are breaking for us).
Realistically though ladies, shlepping around the office in street clothes doesn't grab the same kind of attention that those leggins and high-heeled boots do. Work your assets. Dress to impress (or to get a promotion). Think of Casual Friday as your day to climb the corporate ladder.
My cubemates have impeccable taste. BuckWild and LilThug rock the animal print and leggins on the reg. My Homie, CDawg, and HookerJones aren't as ghetto-fab as they sound, they clean up and glam up. The Butler's always classic and classy. I tend to sport the Mr. Rogers sweaters. I know, I know...what a tease.
Looking to refresh your closet? Check out www.retailmenot.com (also seen as one of the "Coffee Break Corner" links). Compliments of Kenny and The Butler.
P.S. Next entry: HookerJones learns from her mistakes...ordered another breakfast burrito. yikes.
Monday, November 16, 2009
okay okay, feeling a little better after that rant. Butler, Hooker ...we will be better off for having this experience.
a roof over my head and a family that loves me (they don't have to like me), that's all that matters. got my friends, my cube mates, my WTF family to get me through. living at home...there are worse things, like perhaps a questionable breakfast burrito. hahahaha.
(post it reads: "dear NLSts, never order a breakfast burrito from J&K. kind regards, HookerJones")
Living at home as a twenty-something...think of all the money you get to sock away! Buy nice things, save up for your own place. Ha, what fantasy world are you living in?
As if it's not enough to be establishing yourself at the bottom of the corporate ladder, go ahead and try fitting back in to your family. I believe my mother's welcoming words were, "Now, your brother and your father and I already have our routine." Ah, home sweet home. It wasn't so bad when you knew that your longest stay home would maybe run three months (summer), and holidays were always just grand! But now you're graduated, now it's a marathon.
At the corporate watering hole, the associates gathered this morning. Amidst the tales of weekend intoxication, I noticed that HookerJones, The Butler and I are the only ones under house arrest. Stellar. The Butler was on the verge of freedom, but unfortunately the lease fell through - bad leasee/land lord relations (she dodged a bullet though, nothing worse than starting out on the wrong foot). HookerJones can be credited with the inspiration for this post: Living on her own for 5 years and is now back, being suffocated, by her parents. Can't really blame our parents, they just want to mother and father us again and it's gotta be hard to let go - but it turns into sMothering (suffocation + mothering). Just this morning my trainer, Julie, said to me, "Saw your parents walking yesterday, they looked like they were in a serious convo. They didn't even hear when I beeped the horn - is everything okay at home?" Haha well, I was up until midnight scrubbing the bathroom tub and sinks - does it sound like everything's okay? I went from "High-achiever first born" to "Mom's punching bag".
I work 40+ hours a week, wake up at 4:15 every morning to work out, I do freelance ad work, attempt to have a social life...sometimes other tasks get tossed under the mental rug. It's like she thinks I do nothing all week. Funny how, "NLSts, you didn't clean the upstairs bathroom," is the high crime when she didn't go grocery shopping all week. I thought that was one of the responsibilities under the 'stay at home mom' job title. But please, treat yourself to another day at the mall.
Wouldn't it make sense for us to find a bachelorette pad? What's holding us back? The Butler's got bills, HookerJones is in debt, and NLSts wrecks cars (I wonder who will snap first).
Additionally my 19-year-old sister is failing out of her private college. By December, we'll just be ONE BIG HAPPY FAMILY again. Somebody's going to lose an eye.
Survival? There's nothing to do but grin and bear it. Christ. Prepare yourself for an ulcer.
These past 6 months have been the most tumultuous - insane growing pains. Lots of change, lots of excitement. But I think we're all settling in, life is good. The hardest thing to do is buckle down in order to save money and not to burn bridges (and when all else fails...drink heavily.).
At least I know that when I'm living out of my car in March, I'll be saving on rent and on therapy.
Friday, November 13, 2009
The Office sent out a survey: One question reads - "What motivates you?" - I wrote that "my expensive taste" motivates me. What I really meant to say was that "I hate financial dependency and living at home. I'm motivated to move the hell out of that crackhouse before there are any casualties." I got yelled at this morning for finishing the eggs...eggs! Nothing motivates a twenty-something like familial mishaps and near death experiences over groceries.
Can't wait to see my iTunes play count for new favorite: Electropop by Jupiter Rising. Everyone should check it out holler.
Today is Friday. HookerJones, The Butler and I took our lunch break out of the office; a typical Friday thing. It's a scary world outside The Office - brazen pigeons, stinky sewers and strange men who pick their noses. Three young ladies just trying to walk a few blocks, trying to make a decent living. Oh btw we are single, funny, cute, and like long walks by the lake - call for a good time.
Today is also Friday the 13th - eek! Pumped for tarot card readings at our get-together tonight; nothing like being able to go out and socially "kick-it" with your work peers and, ya know, play with the devil's magic. Oh, and I'm bringing Catch Phrase.
SarahR (from this point on, she will be referred to as my Homie), phoned me in regards to the Sales Suit posting. She saw a CNN special on West Virginians who put Mountain Dew in their babies' bottles and something else about 5 brothers and a sister...but that story will make you ill. As an American, it should make you proud.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Here's what's up: when you're assigned a leadership position, it is exactly that...leader. Not upper management, not boss, not mom. To my cube mates, I know that you're with me on this one. We've all had too much mismanagement lately for our liking.
Nothing is more irritating than a co-worker who is getting a little big for their britches. Cause guess what - you are in the same mind-numbing, dial-down-a-list position that I am. Just because you are now dubbed "leader" does not mean that you have earned anyone's respect. It actually means that your ass is now under a microscope and that we will scrutinize your every move. Example: it bodes bad for you if I arrive earlier than you and stay later than you and make more phone calls than you do. Seriously. Lead by example? FAIL. You think you betta? You trippin'.
Kenny is no more closer to BuckWild's coveted "hawt sawce" than yesterday. His new focus is on Charla Nash - the lady who was mauled by a monkey. He navigated me through Oprah's website for this gem: http://www.oprah.com/article/oprahshow/20091111-tows-charla-nash-chimp/3
4:30pm...office happy hour has just commenced. Happy Thursday.
p.s. H1N1 has hit The Office.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Pair of racist, redneck, southern hicks.
I'd like to mail them some anthrax XOXO all my love!
Unfortunately that's the name of this game (not anthrax) - in sales you have to have a thick skin, a Sales Suit of Armor. It's disgusting that there are still such close-minded people in America. It sucks that you still gotta put up with their shit.
One time I called a guy who decided to jerk me around a bit. I told him who I'd already been in contact with, he'd reply, "Oh so they told you to call me?" - no. Miscommunication causes me the most anguish. One wrong word can blow up a lead. And then he picked, "Do you even know what we do?" - yes. Finally I said to this guy, "You're just jerking me around aren't you? Well this is not for everybody. Obviously you don't want to support your city and you don't want to grow your business. So thank you have a nice day." *click*
Wear your sales suit. Wear it proud. People can be assholes. Throw their shit right back at them (or anthrax).
New in office drama:
Kenny is on the prowl for BuckWild's hot sauce. Today his efforts were in vain...the search continues tomorrow.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Justin Bobby v. Johnny Depp
comparable? please assess.
HookerJones' lunchtime run to Subway created quite an uproar. Cube Chat included, "That's making me nauseous," and "Yeah what's that smell," and "Gee thanks guys that makes my lunch really appetizing." The stench of veggie sub still lingers.
"Does anyone want a Werthers?" * "yes!!" * "yes!" * "I don't know what they are but everyone's so excited I want one too!" * "I had a dream about them last night" * "Aren't they those caramels?"
Our co-worker of South American descent (specifically Paragua) has rejoined the ranks after calling in sick yesterday. We'll refer to her as Lil Thug, mainly because of her short stature and her kind-natured yet BALLER attitude. She actually contemplated calling in on Friday because she couldn't find anything to wear. Can't remember the last time I went shopping...I just try not to repeat outfits in the same week.
Living at home means my closet doubles. I am privy to every Banana Republic top and all of the *bling* that my mom owns - and that's a lot of bling. (Note to self: when attempting to gain independence, stay out of Mom's closet. Instead, get two speeding tickets so that you can't afford insurance and then wreck your car and have your parents sign the lease and title on your new car.)
The only way to move up is to move out. So how is a struggling twenty-something expected to establish some solid footing? Better get my references ready for Burger King.
p.s. New Guy sitting in the cube next to me is a Yankees hater. This is a conflict of interest. Hopefully he'll recognize that his cube has been empty for a month (and that I've therefore lost all social skills) before it's too late.
Monday, November 9, 2009
Nothing like being gutted for your hard-earned paycheck.
In fact, I made my first loan payment yesterday online. No, it does not make me feel like an adult. No, it does not fill me with a sense of pride in my financial responsibility. It actually makes me feel broke and it is actually a daunting reminder of the independence and Tuesday's 25-cent drafts that I am missing out on.
New week. New wheels...get it get it! Picked out a 2010 Honda Civic (holler!). How did that happen? The way I operate machinery, I deserve a 10-speed and elbow pads. We are not telling my parents about my close call this morning on my drive to The Office...
Jacked up my cube with some sick speakers. Enough to move papers on my desk. Totally necessary.
Historical Highlight: Today marks the 20th anniversary of the Berlin Wall's demise. Exercise your efficacy and reflect on the magnitude of this occasion, how many lives were changed. And in other news: Sisqo is 31 today.
Sunday, November 8, 2009
Let's preface: I had a fender bender this past Monday. My little '98 Chrysler wasn't much match for the Honda's back bumper, and the hood of my car was crunched. Easy fix. Dad was able to pound it down and the only casualty was the hood latch...
So Saturday I'm up and readying things and running late. Grab keys, start car, off to The Project. I'm on the highway and go to change the radio, cruising along and *WHAM* Hood flies up and cracked the shit out of my windshield, dislodging the rear-view mirror which conveniently nailed me in the head (as if to say "Hey dumb-dumb, Dad said not to drive your car on the highway.").
Stunned but still driving, I pull off to the side of the exit's ramp. Immediately I phone HookerJones in a panic. She assures me that it's okay, that I am okay, and to keep her posted. Phew. Phone parents...
Me: Uh...can some one come pick me up?
Mom: (groggy) Where...are...you?
Me: On the 490. (I then detail the events)
moments later, parents phone back...
Mom: Welllll, do we need two cars?
Me: Mine still drives but the hood won't stay down.
Mom: Well some one didn't put any gas in the Acura.
Mom: So if you can drive it -
Me: Mom I'm shaking, can't one of you just...? You know what, forget it.
Making my way home, the hood flips back up and further busts windshield. I crouch and peer through the small opening, I also crouch to avoid eye contact with fellow automotobilers.
Of course I pass two cop cars chilling in the abandoned gas station.
At the last light, less than a mile from my house, I noticed that the lady walking her dog is staring at me and pointing. The nice friendly cop parked who had followed me is now parked behind me and has exited his car to knock at my window. The nice friendly cop asks, "Are you serious?" The nice friendly cop is ready to write me a ticket for Obstruction of View. At the red light with the cop standing next to me, my poor little Chyrsler is exposed and in pain, I break down and sob like a 4 year old (this would be my third ticket in 18 months. AllState and parents would have a field day). The nice friendly cop just looks at my license, sighed, and said, "Just drive slow. I should be writing your parents a ticket."
I did eventually make it to The Project. The Project is an epic tale on its own. Basically I sat outside the event room with the rejects (the ones who gave up their Saturdays but were not hand-chosen to participate...). I got face time with The Man and then bounced. Text from an insider:
SarahR: "yeah NLSts, its awful. in a way ur lucky ur car crashed and u almost got a ticket and ur windshield about shattered in ur fac...but then again kinda not. i'll give you my 25 dollars [to pull the fire alarm]. what have you been doing all day you missed out on nasty pizza at three oclock."
The event for The Project lasted from 9am-6pm. Hope I still get the $25. I'll put it towards my new car.
Friday, November 6, 2009
I've probably frightened the new guy away. I throw and cuss at my phone all day...except when I'm on a call, I'm Sarah Fucking Sunshine. Well my "pod" of people have a new member questionnaire that we give to newcomers. This is probably why most people quit after a week. The cube across from me has been empty for about a month. With the questionnaire, there is a member spotlight that we have (yeah, so cool). I asked NG (NG = new guy) what he learned. NG goes, "Well I learned that you really like contraceptives." - I was floored and almost died immediately. I forgot what I wrote on my member spotlight, it reads:
NicoleLilia(struggling twenty-something) might as well open up a thrift shop with all of the junk she has in her cube. From fun-colored paperclips to condoms, she is prepared for any situation. She brings her lunch every day, and her strict nutritional intake is reflected by her short temper - do not tread in the wake of her dialing. NLSts leads hourly trips to the kitchen for coffee.
An avid astrologer and soothsayer, HookerJones enjoys stalking, shoe shopping, and waitressing at Schooner's in her free time. Don't bother asking her for relationship advice or what day of the week it is as she will most likely be unable to help you.
The pod's seasoned veteran, CDawg, knows 'what's up'. She is the socialite of the pod and will readily organize outings and group runs; declining her invitations is considered social-suicide.
Chi-chetti enjoys making it known that he has the highest number of appointments on the board. He also takes great pleasure in hiking, the game of disc golf, a nice bowl of pasta, money, and a big glass of Vino.
The Butler, is our favorite and the most kind-natured podmate. She shares the last name of our mayor. This is not a coincidence. The Bulter tends not to make more than 30 daily dials; she orders Combo #1 with cheese and a medium diet coke at Wendy's.
Hope I was able to entertain. Welcome to my life in Cubicle Land.
(end email message)
...and thus, blog was unofficially born.