Sunday, August 28, 2011

School Bus Yellow, hello!

The Fam road tripped to drop off my brother for Move In Day.  In a town that boasts Lane Bryant and Wal-Mart as its two hot spots.  On a campus that had a large cross on every building, a church standing as the focal point.

My mother fretted.  My father cried. I laughed.

Man!  I was scared shitless for college.  And I cried like a 13-yr-old girl who got cut from rec softball (wait a minute...).  But hey I turned out okay!  Only afterward did shit hit the fan.

Ah, youth!

I maintained a healthy distance from the ruins of room arranging.  Except for my one contribution:

Cubes.  Obviously!

Listen up, undergrads: Rock out the knowledge. Hard.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Your Ass is Grass.

Here is what it's like to be unemployed, via direct remarks, text messages, and other endearing outlets:

Brother:  "Get a f*cking job."

Cousin: "how goes the job hunt"

Mother:  "...can you at least pretend to look busy when I'm around?"

Father:  "Take care of the lawn for me today, yeah?"

They probably haven't noticed that I've done an excellent job emitting excellence on a daily basis.  Do you realize the kind of patience it takes to have your social life start up at 5pm when everyone is finally off-the-clock??  Actually it's less patience, more

Haha, although they seem heartless - they are not.  You'll find that if/when you are ever 'getting by' on the Dept of Labor's coattails, your safety net is frightfully taught.  At first you may have the urge to tangle in the net and, oh, drown them out.

I'll stop acting like my family and friends have made me some skittermark outcast.  They've done nothing but shine infinite sunlight on the fragile blades of grass that are my livelihood/career.  To which I have nothing but thank yous and empty promises of sending each one of them a heartfelt, hand-written note and some chocolate chip cookies (fresh from the Keebler Kitchen) as soon as the greens start growing.

For now, make do with a virtual glimmer of my soul.

much love, homies. xoxo

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

"not now honey, mommy's busy"

So J-woww killed a mouse with her bare hands...and a sharp blade.

Euthanized the thing, actually.  She was crying, the mouse was squealing, and her monstrosity of a dog was bounding around thinking it was play time.

After the massacring, I was onn the phone with her, she stopped to take another call.  She came back to my line and said, "That was my mom.  She wants to make sure that I boil the knife before I use it again..."

Haha, when are you hosting the next dinner party?

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Book Your Tour: Nothing lowers ticket prices like a sex scandal!

(CNN) -- Widely circulated photos of Cathay Pacific crew members apparently engaged in a sex act have postponed the launch of an airline ad campaign.

The slogan: "meet the team who go the extra mile to make you feel special."
[j-fizz, i'm waiting on your one-liner!]

Wow.  I am like, totally surprised.  There goes the airline industry.

The gall!  The nerve!  For two, unattached co-workers to bring shame to their bosses and families by bumping uglies...Saddle up Sally, nobody saw this one coming.

 But score one for the passengers.  I bet Cathay Pacific will let you check 3 bags now.  Shout out to all any peeps who have ever flown anywhere.  You step off that aircraft and either want a stiff drink, or a stiff one.  You are thinking, "Hell YEAH I didn't fall out of the sky!  Nope!  Not today!"

**secondly.  what marketing guru hit up that slogan: 'meet the team who go the extra mile...' - grammar check that shit and put in your resignation.  punk.**

Saturday, August 13, 2011

Who knew Romans were so freaky?

Cultural Tid Bits.

Come one, come all and feast on some food for thought!  Behold:  The House of the Vestal Virgins / strange carvings / Pompeii was covered in 'pre-explosion'.

Vestal Virgins:   The high priestess selected six initiates between the ages of six and 10 from Roman patrician families. Physical perfection was an important criteria. The girls took vows of chastity and served the Cult of Vesta for 30 years. Vestal priestesses were revered, lived in luxury and relative independence, and were free from obligations to marry and rear children.


strange carvings:  everybody up in Ancient Roma was getting their jollies.  signified by the 'wall wee-wees' and solicitations.  i mean, way to go right??  you're up waiting for your late night text, but those Romans knew right where to go when the mood strikes.

Pompeii: comment.  My maturity levels are rivaled by most 12-year-olds.  And Chuck E Cheese member cardholders.

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Viva Italia!! (drum roll, please.)

 This was nothing like the 'fist pump, push up, chapstick' absolutism of Jersery Shore: Italy.  This was the family-style, a la carte vacation.  Brother, Sister, Gma, and me.

Let's get this straight: I was very well-behaved.  Whether this bores, surprises, or impresses you...keep it to yourself.  Receiving Communion at the Vatican has really gone to my head.

We arrived first thing on a Friday.  Our cousin Merry was supposed to take us around the old country.  We arrived to find her in the middle of a very real, somewhat terrifying mental breakdown. It has been like watching circus clowns cage-fighting. You don't know whether to laugh or to cry...but either way you'll have nightmares.

After a paramount hallway spat, when her psyche supernova'd, she was removed from the hotel premises by an ambulance.  That's not a joke.

Our hotel faced the beach and from our little balcony. We could see up and down the entire stretch of the coastline.  Speckled with little villas and beach houses and stacked apartments - at night the lights would dance on the water and you can see for miles.

Please note: in Italy, package-watching is not only a sport, but a profession. Definitely not for the faint of heart. But when most men simply remove the thin veil of speedo to re-arrange or scratch themselves it does tend to take away from the thrill of the hunt.  (oh yeah, and it all but ruins the market for spandex - wtf!!)

Think: cultural binge. Everything about the county I just wanted to gobble up. Tasking, right?  Won't bore you with the foodstuffs. Basically all you need to know is that I was in competition with myself to eat it all. (ps I won.)

And it was everything I ever dreamed of.

The Stock Market, and a pile of dirty laundry.

Have we just crossed over into a Second World Country?  I go away for 12 days and this is the mess I come home to?  The US dollar has been trumped by the Euro, and even Canada's thumped it.  Stock market has been a roller coaster (someone died on the Superman Ride of Steel coaster at Darien this summer...too soon??) - and Ahhh'nald Schwarzenegger is wearing ex-wife propaganda.

So - do you think that those t-shirts come in "Merry"???

Sunday, August 7, 2011

catch-22? no, no...catch twenty-YOU'RE SCREWED.


[Ah, the effortless chic of Rome has done absolutely nothing for my image.]

At any rate.  Today was my friend's bridal shower.  I was chatting up Grandma, a delicate older woman, who told me that, "diamonds come in small packages...but so does dynamite!"

Well, Grandma.  I'm thinking that I want nothing to do with any kind of small packages.  But, in this diamond/dynamite case.  Figure that either way: it's the thought that counts.


Can't wait to regale you with stories from the old country.  Stay tuned.