Friday, July 30, 2010

Say Goodnight with GTA: Office Edition

Wrap it up with a Friday tap.  Guess the ass of this cube bro.
Pin-striped strip tease, yes please.

Case of the Fridays

Remember when we used to do Friday happy hours?

Remember when Hank would come over the loudspeaker at 4:30pm and announce "Per the Boss Man - class is dismissed"...or was that Rich who'd say that?

Whatever the case, that is NOT the case today. Then again, with seven people getting canned today, why question authority?

So of course the past hour has been the no-work-work-hour (*gasp*). Thank goodness the Boss Man is way too focused on more important matters - like firing slackers - than GTSing and investing in the new worst nightmare of Cubicle Land...

When Trevor Blackwell, CEO of a company called Anybots, wants to know what his employees are up to, he sends a robot to their cubicles. "I can see if people are busy on something -- and then won't interrupt them," he said this week. "Or, you know, if they're doing something that looks interesting, or if they look stuck, I'll have a conversation with them." []

What a dick.  Translation..."I'm quite comfortable sitting in my corner office and even moving to get my coffee is a stretch. Can I have some one type this memo for me?  Thank goodness for this robot.  This way I can see if people are being lazy shits and up on that YouTube or Bar Chair crap, wasting the company's money. So I'll play with my new billion dollar toy and spy on them."

The thing is. They are busy. They may not be busy doing work. We know it's not something 'interesting'...these monkeys work in cubicles. If they're stuck, it's most likely just been put into the 'to do' pile for later.

Honestly! The people running companies these days...

Friday fun and Battle of the Sexes

Gym Tan Laundry is on hiatus. This week turned into a petite battle of the sexes. Here are a couple of viral videos from Nikki & John...a precious twenty-something couple. Who, instead of cubing it up on the reg, sit around pranking each other and making bank. Which is kindaaa like what we do. Except more profitable.

They no doubt that shit...Ah these kids keep me young.

[thanks Sink-o for the tip]

Thursday, July 29, 2010

There Will Be Blood.

Red Cross has infiltrated the Atrium today. Hot appropriate. Yet completely ironic. Since we eat in the Atrium. Corkey is squirming in his cube - how's that window seat treating you now that you can see the blood draining from your co-workers?

Also. Just got off the phone with a total Rhonda (jewelry store owner) - and told her this disgustingly elaborate story of how I was recently engaged to make her take the appointment. Yup, they train us to leave no prisoners.

Back to the Fundamentals part deux

As a rebuttal to yesterday's post, Nealon shot me the straight up skinny on what dudes want:
All the girl has to do to get in a guy's pants is be flirtatious but not slutty, show interest but run away (like a 5th grader) make me work for it and don't weigh a buck sixty five. If you make me jealous I might drop you cuz I hate games, but I love games at the same time so I might just put you on hold. Oh and ladies, watch porn or to find out how to be a lady on the street (or at least not a dead fish) in bed, pick up a Cosmo/talk to your guys. If you got certain assets you better use (not just flaunt) them.
Spoken like a true gentleman. Translation: "I want a high school aged girl with crazy-girl-syndrome that is the size of a bean pole." He's well on his way to the happy marriage/house/white picket fence/mini van American Dream.

As for the dead fish thing. Don't even. Before this turns into like five (...or so...) posts on that 'worst hook ups' website...if it gets to that point, there were probably some red flags earlier on. But at least you'll have put a few 'on hold' at that point? While you dudes are at it, try not to have enough beers for the entire frat house so that there aren't any issues keeping up.

Let's do this - you chase me, I'll chase the cheese.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010


WARNING: this is really boring until the 1:24 mark...then it gets awesome and gang-like.

Blockheads is a grrrrreat burrito place nestled in NYC. I've eaten there once, but the street scene wasn't nearly as exciting. Speaking of burritos. I studied abroad in Santiago, Chile (South America). Funny how I'd taken one semester of espanol only to be immersed in a Spanish-speaking continent. Was there for the funeral of some very decorated, high ranking military official. And the cultural experience was incredible. I joined my host family for the day. But after the fourth hour of watching the city-wide procession pass by, I was waning. My host madre turned to me and asked, "blahblahblahblah aburrito??" Of course that caught my attention. So I said "SI! ME GUSTA. Tengo hambre" (trans: Yes, I like them! I'm hungry). Host madre was totally offended. Hmm. Later learned that "aburito" means "bored".

Back to the Fundamentals

The Morning Warriors, aka the people that I work out with at 5am, are a little left of center. And that's why I love them. If you're expecting an intense Gordon Bombay pep talk (quackquackquack) or a Bring it On rally, you're out of luck, Chuck.

This is some WTF wisdom from the morning work out crew, with a cube crank. Main thing to keep in mind: if at first you don't succeed then try, try again. Whether you are searching for that Right Person or that person for Right Now, the twenty-something dating scene is terribly exhausting. At this point you figure, between nun-chucks and all out facial assaults, what's there to bitten, twice shy.

War stories straight from the cube file cabinets? Sure. Here is some 'hypothetical' twenty-something insight on how to lose a girl in 10 ways. Consider a weekend gone wrong for our fellow cube chica:
#1- Just because you were the captain of every sports team in high school, doesn't mean you should show up wearing your cut-off high school basketball tshirt 6 years after you graduate high school when you visit your high school girlfriend

#2- Don't bring her to a hibachi grill and as she is scarfing her rice and she asks why you're not eating, you tell her you're trying to lose weight and you're not eating carbs

#3-Strawberries are an aphrodisiac. If she's sitting there feeding them to herself and you're still avoiding carbs and wont eat them... get the fuck out of my apartment

#4- If you tell me how perfect or how beautiful I am one more time (after 20 times in one morning) I will punch my own pretty face to get you to stop saying it

#5 dont ever show up at my apartment reeking of cig smoke and crawl in my bed with your stinky disgusting dirty self and tell me your friend puked all over you in the limo
#7 (oh wait make this number 6) dont lay in bed with me after i havent dated you in 5 years and tell me you want me to be your wife in the near future and try to discuss how many kids you want to have together...again get the fuck out of my apartment
#7 do not send me flowers after i am clearly not feeling you after that adventurous weekend. the flowers make it 3243265436753 worse
[HookerJones models for us the Epic Flower Fail so that our story teller may remain anonymous...see how she innocently pretends to act excited, yet the hand-flop clearly indicates "I'm so over this guy"?]

Enough said. The dude in this 'hypothetical' situation didn't make it to 10. My own shitshows don't usually make it past 3. And so it's back to the drawing board. Fundamentals people. Less is more. Kind of like Snooki's one piece bathing suit theory...

Also. The new kid (who sits next to me) keeps calling me Shannon. Not sure how to break it to him otherwise. Since I say my name every time I pick up the phone.

GTL Week is in full swing

Who knew you could make a video solely with the epic 'kissy face'?
[Thanks JGards for the vid]

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

GTL/GTS Week: commence.

This week is all about GTL...'gym, tan, laundry'...and GTS...'google that shit'. Today: why Snooki won't wear bikinis.
“I wore one-piece suits when I was really skinny to hide my nakedness in a sexy way. I think they are more provocative because it makes guys want to see more of me.” []

Huh. You don't say. Maybe you should try talking less.

This just in via Corkey...we needed a Jersey Shore drinking game for Thursday's festivities. Of course he GTS...'googled that shit'. Drink if:
  • Someone uses the word 'guido' or 'guidette'
  • If anyone, especially Vinny, fist bumps
  • If a guy has no shirt on
  • If a girl is wearing a bikini top
  • If Pauley talks about, uses hair gel or fixes his hair
  • Mike refers to himself as 'The Situation'
  • There is a fight (the one at the nightclub in episode 2 would have been a prime example)
  • Someone talks about being 'classy' or describes someone else as 'not classy'
  • Anyone wears Ed Hardy

Count down: 2 days. Fist pump! Oh yeah.

Monday, July 26, 2010

The next big thing...TRONGS

Saw this and immediately thought of...

a) my father
b) the Shake Weight
c) helium balloons and munchkins. that exact order.

The armpit of NYS

Money's tight in Newark. How tight? In a latest budget-cutting effort, city offices will no longer get toilet paper. Other budget cuts include cutting the work week to four days for non-uniformed workers, closing city pools and canceling holiday decorations. The cuts will begin in August and save the city up to $15 million. [Time]
One luxury I refuse to pay for is toilet paper. In college, we stole it from the dorms. Now I do my best to gank a few rolls from Mom and Dad. Whatever. Their first-born isn't exactly $15 million richer.

Somehow, cutting costs on Charmin and kicking off Jersey Shore Season 2 don't seem very in sync for the Garden State. Good thing JSS2 is in Miami. Bitches. Ugghhhh I cannot wait for Thursday and the straight up hair bump, fist pump misery that is MTV and the Jersey/Miami Shore. The shit stain on the underwear of America.


Taking Half of Monday Off...just googling.

Oh hello hours of entertainment...yes, yes, yes, no!

[Thanks Hanks]

Friday, July 23, 2010

Contemplating Karma

Yesterday a few of us did lunch outdoors. Enjoying the lust of The City air, the rays of summer sun, and calm of the river. We found a picnic table.

And then a sign dropped from the sky. A bird pooped on J-woww mid submarine.

Hahahaha sucker!! Everyone says it's good luck.

So what does Everyone say about finding a dead bird on your rooftop porch? That better mean fountain of youth or the effing Midas Touch. Seriously. Wtf.

Wake Up with GTA : The Office Edition

HookerJones submitted our first GTA post. K-Swiss...he must have one of those lumbar supporting chairs. Ohhh, K-Swiss we hate to see you go. But love to watch you leave.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Whattt is with today.

WHATTT. WHAT???? What. whut whut.

[Thanks Hoff]

It's time to free willy

Why yes. I am a certified NYS boater. Not all twenty-somethings can be so classy.

Did I mention the 5 points on my driver's license?

There was a 14-year-old Australian girl who sailed around something this summer. Nothing says good parenting like shaking your baby or letting your kid play Perfect Storm in the Pacific Ocean. NYS knows about water safety.

See that kiddie pool?? Leeny, this may put the kabosh on mimosa time...they're expecting I put no less than a 4' fence around mine. Anyone up for a weekday cruise around the haaaaah-bor?

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Geez El Prez...

Sad story of my life...via Cube Chat (aka yelling over the walls):

J-Woww: Please come play Lola's. It's really just one drink this time.

me: No, I can't. My mom wants to get me an outfit for my date tomorrow.

Nealon: Wow El Prez. Your mom really wants you to get laid

me: I. DO. NOT. NEED. MY. MOM'S. HELP! Plus. I'm a forever kind of girl.

Ari Gold: El that true?

me: Is WHAT true??

...yes. all for your entertainment.

Shot-gun weddings gone wrong...why didn't they bring more PBR?

The former Texas Longhorn, Colt McCoy, is off the twenty-something singles list (sorry ladies). Not that he was really on the top of anyone's list. Tim Tebow on the other hand...mmm. Indeed.

So this is how Tim Tebow, even the mere mention of his straight-laced Christian name, jams up the McCoy reception:
"Gettin' sick and tired of folks gettin' fired up/Rubbin' shoulders with Tim Tebow."
What a solid way to tie the knot. Some hill billy hick banjo twanging and sweet melodious country verbage...and hearing the name "Tim Tebow" somehow made this situation worse? Clearly they ran out of PBR.


Some of the guys have been requesting a GTA post or two.

You know...Guess That Ass...

things could get interesting. Forward me any further suggestions or water fountain snap shots.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Lil White Girl: The Butler in the Windy City

HookerJones and I were hallucinating, swearing we saw the ghost of The Butler creeping through The Office yesterday. Oh Butler, our lil white girl in the Windy City...come home to us!

Butler writes:

i had a package from ups..they made 3 attempts to drop it at my apt..but we don't have a doorbell yet bc they are still renovating
and i couldnt just sign the slip for it

so it was sent to the ups center in a bad area of the city
i had until today to pick it up or it would have been returned to sending

and it was in a BAD area of the city---a cab dropped me off but wouldnt wait for me
ups was down a 4 block alley
it was like being in a welfare center HookerJones
i was terrified
i had to wait like 30 min for them to give me my package
then had to walk down this alley with a huge ass box

no cabs in site
had to take teh bus--sat next to a drag queen and someone who looked like busta rhymesmy public transit card wouldnt scan soooo everyone had to wait for me
then i got dropped off at the train with this huge box and finally made it home

it was awful...i was so scared and my phone only had 1 bar left on it bc my exec was blowing
up my phone yesterday bc she is on premise

So...what was in the box?

Old Spice Man. I want your life.

...actually. Colby wants your life. And a nap...

Monday, July 19, 2010

A Blogger's Review, and s.l.u.t.s

Here's some delicious twenty-something debauchery to sink your teeth into: suggestion courtesy of a 5am workout bro. A little juicier than Texts From Last Night.

I get giddy for hook-up horror stories, but I do NOT get giddy for other people's writing abilities. Hence my preference to Texts From Last Night, because something like "he had nun chucks." is a lot funnier than "...On this particular Thursday night, I managed to not get blackout for a change." Sorry. Cut to the chase. My ADD can't suffer through 80 lines of a third grader's babble. Which, you really can't blame the site you can only blame No Child Left Behind and GWBush. Hook-ups gone wrong are best shared in person. For the full effect.

Overall review of Worst Hookups: 7 stars...Great idea, love where you're going with this. Unfortunately the delivery is comparable to J. Bieber's first pitch at a Chicago Cubs game.

as for S.L.U.T...single. lady's. universal. tote. Via some weekend movie viewing, the S.L.U.T is the perfect companion for girls on the go. Complete with toothbrush, floss, cell charger, eye drops, listerene, and other 'necessities'. It's time somebody capitalized on this twenty-something stretch of life.

Friday, July 16, 2010

Have No Fear. Condom Man is Here!

A new initiative in Switzerland, part of a broader anti-AIDS multimedia campaign sponsored by local health authorities, vows to rescue distracted lovers.

Swiss AIDS Federation Bicycle couriers deliver condoms to forgetful lovers as part of the Swiss AIDS Federation campaign for safe sex. It only takes a phone call to one of the local bike couriers participating in the project to have them hop on a bike and quickly bring the coveted item right to the spot where it's most needed. []
Wait wait wait. So you're saying. There's a bunch of spandex-clad douchebags sitting around, twiddling (or sitting on...) their thumbs, that hop to attention and onto their bicycles as soon as a couple of horn dogs calls up?? Like, dude...dude! When does this service get integrated into the international market?

What service indeed! And such smart thinking on the Swiss' part. Because obvi the bikers would be the first option on the list of "people most likely not getting any". I know J-Fizz can back me up on that.

How would you love it if Lance Armstrong showed up at your door with a pack of Trojans.

The Great Breakfast Debate...

J-Woww: i do this every damn morning...the breakfast debate
me: why does it have to be a debate?
J-Woww: because i think "no J-Woww, everyones going to think you're a fatass" then "wait J-Woww, you're hungry who cares what people will think"
me: J-Woww you aren't a biggest loser contestant
J-Woww: "hmm, maybe if i order for P'diddle too it'll be more acceptable"
me: lol
J-Woww: "what fat-ass now you're ordering 2 breakfasts!!"
me: or just have it delivered to P'diddle's office
J-Woww: every fucking morning

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Epic Fail...beach style

the only thing i ever do at the beach is run. and look out for fat people in speedos.

rage page.

today's radio morning show fail: "what came first the chicken or the egg? british scientists have discovered it was actually the chicken..."

P.S. i cannot believe a whole 8 minute radio spot was wasted on this topic. i also cannot believe i chose this over a playing a cd. or white noise. and. the chicken/egg pontification is plain and simple - DO YOU BELIEVE IN CREATION OR EVOLUTION?

allow me to decode the infinite matrix of mind-wrenching thought process...if you believe in creation, chicken came first...just before Noah's Ark. if you believe in evolution, egg came first. if it takes you more than 30 seconds of logic to unravel the mystery then it means you need to step back and figure out where your inner compass points.

i cannot believe the brits wasted their time and money on an effing nursery rhyme. a simple nonsensical argumentative piece for intellectuals. you just became the spotlight of the next office dinner party you attend.


2.5 Million Muslims Threaten to Quit Facebook July it. You won't do it, you won't quit Facebook. Read their 'threat':
And now since that is what it had come down to you, with your irresponsibility and fake preach of freedom of speech, have left us no other choice other than permanently boycotting . And now we are giving you a 2 weeks notice – ending at midnight of 21st July, 2010 – to fulfill our demands or else we will leave for
Not to get all political/religious/HR nightmare in one post but...yeahhh.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Little Miss Muffin sat on her...puffin?

Jk. Really she sat on her tuffet. Not puffin...that would hurt.

New Age Booty Calls

Google has done it again.

When that late night text appears, we all know what that means. When that late night text doesn't appear, how the hell are we supposed to know what that means? Then it's the whole "do I text them? should I just wait? what if I fall asleep? what if they're with some one else?"

Cut the crap and hook yourself up with Google Latitude so you can really hook yourself up.

I opened my email invite from a 'friend' this morning. And got the exact latitude/longitude coordinates of said 'friend' because of said 'friend's' Blackberry. Now. Think of that shit on your smartphone. TOTAL. CREEPER. STATUS. Hello Google contacts, El Prez is watching you.

So when that late night text doesn't appear...Google Latitude that shit. Twenty-something success.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Nobody Likes a Know-it-All

Since the pip-squeak is 10 and Anthony Bourdain is hearing-aid-status, it's time for a twenty-something to step in: Wait til his/her big ideas of becoming a neuro-whatever are crushed by freshman year biology. Give the kid some silly bandz or a nutty buddy...or a swirly before he/she commits social suicide. P.S. Czechoslovakia doesn't exist.

Likewise. Nobody likes an idiot...

Drunk Australian Survives After Attempting To Ride On Crocodile - A man who was drunk climbed into a crocodile enclosure in Australia and attempted to ride a 5-meter (16ft) long crocodile. The crocodile is named Fatso. He bit the 36-year-old man’s leg and tearing chunks of flesh from him as he tried to sit on the 800kg (1,800lbs.) saltwater crocodile. [Daily Telegraph]
If Captain Hook and the Crocodile Dundee have taught us anything, it's that trying to ride a crocodile is a dumb effing idea. The mechanical bull at Daisy Dukes does not count. I do a lot of stupid things sometimes. J-woww does a lot of stupid things on a day-to-day basis. And Crook just says stupid things. But none of us are missing chunks of flesh. Maybe just a couple cuts/bruises from fence hopping? That's besides the point. P.S. The croc's name is Fatso.

[thanks NPR for the diggs]

Monday, July 12, 2010

Collective Cubicle Thinking

We've all had those family gatherings. You know. The ones after you've had a night out...that night out. You've all had that night.

Crammed in the backseat with the man-child-17-year-old-brother and wisdom-toothless-sister for three hours is just additional incentive to never do jaeger bombs before family bonding. Seems a lot like those Wednesday lunch meetings we have. There was even free pizza.

Drove to see some family friends up visiting from the South. You know. The ones you grew up with...those friends. You've all had those friends. They're awesome.

The adults were cute. Catching up, reminiscing about their twenty-something days, the shenanigans. My Uncle Butch joked, "Engage Maverick, engage!!!" and handed me a gin and tonic. Ah, practically family. So I was trying to sit up straight when I overheard my momma telling the group, "Yeah El Prez is still without central air in her apartment. Dad wanted buy an A/C unit. But I told him not to." In all fairness, I did move out to be removed from their umbrella of financial security. But damnit. A gift is a gift!

So here's a lesson for getting what you want in life:

Since Colby, Corkey, J-woww and I are all out on our own without central air, the past week has been humid hell. I shared the "I told him not to" story about the A/C unit and the guys got all protective. And creative. Nealon said to just tell my parents not to even worry about their first born baby girl in the dire heat...and to tell them that I found some guy to share his A/C with me. Colby said, "Tell them you found a few." Air conditioning and his own place...girl's gotta have standards right?

Oh. My poor papa. (I'll expect my new cooling system within the week)

After a solid six weeks sans air conditioning, the cubes have collectively answered my prayers.

Sister Gets Wisdom Teeth Out - hilarity ensues.

Sister got her wisdom teeth removed last week. Brother video'd the post-op, sky high ramblings of Sister. So excellent. Key points to listen for: the nurse's real name is Angela (Sister decided to call her Barbara), doctor was Indian (hence, Borat impressions), Sister did her hair specially for the occasion.

P.S. Mom, Sister gave me full rights to post this. It's for the greater good.

Friday, July 9, 2010

Sweet Success and Utter Boredom

In my efforts to conquer Corporate America and make Google my bitch, I've learned how to take, upload, and successfully showcase videos. From smartphone to youtube. No applause necessary.

Kane-O masters the new age yo-yo:

(I know you cubes are staring at the monitor with your head notched to the left. suckers)

Pictionary: Cube Edition

It's Friday! Time for fun and games. And other shenanigans. Like my favorite, Monopoly...pass go collect $200...

But let's warm up with some Pictionary.

Caption 1: Mouseketeers United. Caption 2: Hey where you dialin' today? Yeahhh we're talkin' to you. Caption 3: Don't be alarmed, we're here to take you to your happy place... Caption 4: We can never decide who gets top, who gets bottom.

Is this the face of a Shutter Island Refugee? No. It's the face of Camera Shutter Shame. This is actually Weave's season ski pass. Alarmingly close to having its own place on my mom's "pedophile alert wall". Apparently they let you scan in your wicked awesome MySpace pics nowadays? Goggles shifted to the side clearly show you're a next level skier...yet borderline boarder. Totally extreme. But hey it probably seemed like a good idea at the time. And sorry ladies, he's taken.

Grand Finale (from last night's escapades at Zac Brown Band concert). Behold:
Yes. That t-shirt says "Don't Taze Me Bro". Well, bro. Pretty sure the tazer laser won't effectively penetrate mammoth skin. Realistically the chances of you successfully outrunning a cop are incredibly low. But we'd rather not take any chances. In fact, we'll opt for the bait-and-switch donut trick if we really need to gitcha. P.S. That cowboy hat makes your face look fat.

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Pitching Tents

The week could not possibly get any longer. But at least you're not this kid...[huffingtonpost]

Today's Special: Free Psycho Analysis

Lindsay Lohan had the words "f**k u" painted in tiny type on a single fingernail when she appeared before Superior Court Judge Marsha Revel for her probation hearing on Tuesday. []
Apparently people are freaking out over the sub-conscious meanings of her cryptic finger messages. Here. In 2.8 seconds I'll wow you with profound psycho analytic analysis: she's an effing nutjob. Trace it back to The Parent Trap and her dual personalities. Case closed. Detox that bitch.

Now it's your turn. Observe: Bristol Palin

"yeahhh, yeahhh? yeahhhh"'s just too easy.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Travels with a Twenty-something

Not that I'm a world traveler. But I get around.

Around to places like Niagara Falls for sight-seeing and Letchworth State Park for camping. I won't bore you with tales of the Maid of the Mist or pitching tents in the forest. My latest updates are brought to you from USA Men's Lacrosse Team Camp...and the inside of their locker room. By six degrees of separation, I was there...

Sorry ladies. I too had much, much, much higher expectations for a locker room 'sneak peak'. But use your imaginations. This is the locker of US Teammate #25, by six degress of separation I know him...He's 33 (apparently old in lax years), refer to "Old, Bald, and Underrated"...let me point out people that #25 is a market development director for a top notch health care & pharmaceuticals company called Johnson & Johnson. Now, if you don't know where I'm going with this...#25 is representing his country in England for the Lacrosse World Championship next week. He's not only a lacrosse veteran, HE'S A CUBE VETERAN TOO!!!

Dream big people.

Next stop on world travels: Running With The Bulls. arriba.

[Sticky Note: Team USA plays the MLL All-Stars in exhibition @ 7pm on ESPN2 this Thursday. This is the one time I advise you to watch it live and NOT to Google that shit.]

Two Sense

The weak economy has sharply reduced mail volume as companies cut their advertising. At the same time there has been a significant drop in lucrative first-class mail, with more and more people turning to the Internet to communicate with each other as well as to receive and pay bills. [YahooFinance]
Get ready to empty your pockets, stamps are going up 2-cents, all the way up to 46!! I remember (back in the day) when they were 32-cents. It was actually in 5th grade...the only reason I know that is because a friend borrowed a stamp and legitimately paid me back in pennies. At which point I proceeded to heckle my classmates for three more pennies in order to buy a Little Debbie at lunch. True story.

I digress.

There's nothing like a hand-written letter. Honestly though, these days when people are texting their kids to come in for dinner (har-har-har), if somebody takes the time to draft, craft and send a letter or card, it means something. But here's some twenty-something two sense for the Pony Express...snail mail is not cost-effective. At all. Neither are land-lines or the Yellow Pages.

An extra two cents is not going to pull The Fed out of our ga-jillion dollar deficit. Logically it's all wrong. Fact: the last time I went to a post office was December 2008. I can do everything online, and my gas station sells stamps. Fact: the post office has more vacation days than the unemployed...maybe they should work when the rest of America is not working (duh - I get to The Office circa 7:45am, leave circa 5:30pm. No I will not wait in line with every other shmuck on my lunch hour to send a package. And waking up before noon on most Saturdays is out of the question...wouldn't it make sense for post office hours to run like 12pm-7pm? Also, I propose they hire English speaking employees).

Then again, our president can't even beat a hermaphrodite in a race for Facebook fans...

The End.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

It's days like this that I love The Office and A/C

Lunch break, anyone? I'm braving the heat - let's go HookerJones.

Perhaps we could interest you in some muffin tops...I mean, maybe they used to fit? courtesy HookerJones [p.s. hook...your team.]

Monday, July 5, 2010

Offices closed today for holiday; trash to be picked up as usual

Now that we've all saluted the stars and stripes, more time for musings.

Headline of the local newspaper reads: Offices closed today for holiday; trash to be picked up as usual. Funny...we here at The Office don't like being referred to as trash.

In other news. Joey Chestnut won the Nathan's July Fourth Hot Dog Eating Contest (really, it was no contest) - ex champ Kobiashi got arrested for rushing the stage. Watching those contestants shovel raw dog pig links down their throats was horrific. Almost enough to make me want to miss the Fourth's cook outs...almost.

Fortunately for us sophisticated cube dwellers, my executive WC hosted a pig roast. Tres classy. My high school friend had a lamb roast for his grad party back in the day. He's Bosnian. At any rate, that was terrifying. The dead, skinned lamb was fully on a spit, rotating in the middle of our celebrating. Pretty distracting. So this weekend's pig roast was a fun time and a lot less scary, where we were able to go out socially and 'kick it'. In fact it's where I met my new boyfriend. He's kind of a pig...

[STICKY NOTE: name this movie - "How was your lamb?" ..."Skewered. One sympathizes."]

God Bless Amrrr'ca

Expecting that everyone had a safe and calorie-rich holiday weekend. Boating, cottage-ing, bbq-ing. Maybe kicked back on the back porch with a few mimosas in the kiddie pool?

However celebrated, I hope that you took the time to honor our great country. Remember: in Singapore, they whack you in the back of the legs for littering... So whether you cringe at the idea of reformed health care, if you were/weren't invited to the Tea Party, or if you gotta be working on July 5th...salute our great nation - you are a part of a pretty kick ass democracy. God Bless the US.

And in honor of the ones we love and lost here at The Office, especially Miss Magpie who packed her shit last Friday (pictured below. ignore her rainbow flag...pretend it's red/white/blue), and hats off to our dear ol' Butler who now dials from Chicago.

Friday, July 2, 2010

Detox Complete

Today. I did not have a single. drop. of. coffee. Detox complete. I don't even miss the sweet aroma of fresh pressed K-cups, the burn of that first steaming sip, the instant "CORPORATE AMERICA IS MY BITCH" caffeine jolt. Nope don't miss it at all. Not one single bit, not even a little.

Festive Feasting Preparation

Nothing gets me through Friday like getting out at 1pm and the heightened anticipation of the Nathan's Annual 4th of July Hot Dog Eating Contest. I am in total awe of Joey Chestnut and his accomplishments as a competitive eater. True Life: I'm trading in the trade of sales and opting for eating everything in sight.

Here are some other coooool things: 5 Ways to Go Green on the Fourth, Local Fairs Around Our Find ROC City, and don't forget the Renaissance Parade thing.

Sticky note: trying to track down the owner of a business with Independence Day just around the corner is a total loss. Epic fail of Friday.

When It Comes to Getting That Rai$e

There comes a time in every twenty-something's career when they must demand a raise.

That time is usually when you're sick of living at your parent's or when your student loans burn 90% of your income upon deposit. Take for example, young Crook. Who repays the Gov $1,100 every single month.

Two lessons here: community college is a steal. and asking for a raise is a rite of passage.

So how to go about this brain-wracking task of demanding your worth? After all, you've been busting your hump every single day, slapping a smile on your face, forgoing sick days, and been the boss's yes-man for a solid six months. Maybe even been employee of the month (but probably not). You start to realize, "Yeah. Yeah I have been working real hard!" and the mental tick sheet of your accomplishments accumulates. You imagine that watermarked check in your hand, practically skipping down the street on your way to spend it frivolously. Then enter the There-Is-No-Way-I'm-Not-Getting-That-Raise state of mind. Yes. You're so getting that raise.


The sit-down with your manager will go like this: you calmly state, with an air of pomp, that you've been an asset to the team and you know your career has a future here. "It's the little things," you tell your manager, and he nods in approval. Maybe you have printed documents as proof.

Your manager calmly states, with an air of authority, that while you've been an asset to the team, there is still some room to grow. "I want to see you succeed," your manager tells you, and you nod agreeably. You think great! we are on the same page here. You say - no, you demand - a little extra dough for your troubles. Your manager flashes a smile and gives you a wink, he will "absolutely take it into consideration."

Before you know it the hammer came down and door's shut behind you. Poof. Those visions of swimming in pools of dollar bills just disappeared and you have no idea what happened. Momentary black out. Good job standing your ground. Git back to your cube.

Now the next six months you'll be racing to re-prove the proof. Hey, at least you had that little heart-to-heart. You know, put that bug in your manager's ear. But all the sudden those pay stubs change for the better and you have a WTF moment. You got that raise! FALSE. Not until you reach down your pants, find your balls, and grab 'em, will you ever see that coin.

Good luck to Crook today - go get 'em?

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Blame Canada

It's Canada Day, eh. Let's all celebrate, eh. Because here at The Office we are all about equal opportunity employment, eh. Everyone should have a little Canada in em at some point, eh.

Thanks Sink-O, eh.

Attention Campers: The Word of the Day is Value...

During my daily Google search, avoiding dials, I stumbled on...Camp Quest, the summer camp for atheists and agnostics.

Hmm. You don't say! I thought it was the caffeine withdrawal headache playing tricks on me. But they actually do normal fun stuff like capture the flag,
The team names included the Flaming Messiahs, a nod to the incinerated "Touchdown Jesus" sculpture north of Cincinnati struck by lightning last week, and the Dinosaur Jesus Riders, whose cheer goes like this: "Yeehaw, ride that Jesus!" []
I went to a Christian-based summer camp for a few years. Partaking in the usual crafting, water sports and archery games. Never once did we sit around bashing Jews or chanting, "Guess what atheists. When you die...NOTHING HAPPENS!*" But if their values are based on bashing ours (and every other faithful individual), then they're missing out on a lot of boondoggle tips.

Atheist camp indeed. Didn't they already film something like that for MTV? Oh's called Jersey Shore.

*words of Dane Cook