Tuesday, July 19, 2011

ciao bella.

When life gives you lemons, sometimes you get lucky.

Please.  Right now type in "Formia Italy" or "Gaeta Italy" - search images.

don't worry, my grandmother's had this trip in the works since november...i had no idea.  i don't even really know when we return.  i just kind of started laughing hysterically at this fortune.

This kid is getting the hell out of dodge and the hell back to her roots.  I do not intend to keep up with communication.  Regrets.  But with the most sincere apologies, I only wish that you could all join me.  Hey you won't even notice I'm gone.  Every once in a while, when you are doing laundry or wondering what you should do on a Friday night [answer: bingo] - let your thoughts wander to the Amalfi Coast where the Shattuck Siblings are crushing it.

Do you think the Pope is a lot shorter in real life??  I'm so ready for confession.


Sunday, July 17, 2011

Dear America, I demand and explanation.

Right now, go to

It is a legit service, 100% certified and backed by MasterCard.  Like a kiddie cell phone - rechargable and linked to the motherload.

Right?????  I showed my father.  Against my better judgement, but hey aren't most things?

His response:  "Ha, that's retarded."  (please don't blame Father...GenX and the Babyboomers are still allowed to say that.  Along with fag and oriental.)

I was kicking back in the family room, watching this skateboard competition on ESPN.  A commercial came on.  At first I laughed, wondering how it could already be April Fools Day?  Then I spilled summer ale all over my tankini.  Shocked.

Just a thought:  For every BillMyParents account, there are 9 orientals who just got into an American university.  At age 13.  On a full scholarship.

If they are even still cutting umbilical chords by the time I have kids, you bet your parents' bottom dollars that they'll be home schooled - that is, until my husband and I can pay their bills for them.  Then it's sink or swim!  But hey I'm going to Italy on Thursday; so maybe they'll have dual citizenship.

**anyone who graduated high school between 2003 - present is likely to feel enraged, slighted, and bitter after having read this post.  there is no support group for you.  sorry.  it filed chapter 7 bankruptcy.  but unofficial meetings are still held every day at your local pub from 4-7pm.**

[[20 minutes later...]]

okay, i can't stop thinking about it.

MY GOD. HOLY CRAP. LINDSAY LOHAN.  like i literally cannot stop thinking about this thing.

because you really learn the value of using a dollar that isn't yours. are you kidding? did helicopter parents just go AWOL? nope, they went fking tandem.

if anyone argues that this will help with the debt crisis and teach smart spending, please don't get within an arm's length of me. your teenagers don't need a debit card mainlining to your bank account. they need a job, a haircut, and a McDonald's visor.  STAT.

that whooshing sound you're hearing - if you think it's the sound of all of our economic woes flying away, you're wrong. it's uncle sam's army of guardian angels, getting the hell out of dodge. we're fucked.

then again, if your parents are hanging you monies (ya lucky shit.) - ride that wave.  hard.  i can't blame you for their stupidity.

Saturday, July 16, 2011

Hose Down Your Hoo-Ha

J-fizz's claim to fame: an actual winning ticket
 J-fizz, Yeeny and I went to Bingo.  (bingo bitches can i get a B-4, O-69, holla!)

It really is so much more than dobbing.  The first half-hour is a blessing, because that's when we were able to settle into our groove and show Yeeny the ropes.  Gotta be is not for the faint of heart.

The room enclosed by windows yeah that's the Big Room.  Dob out FreeSpaces first.  The monitors show the next ball but you can't technically call your Bingo until the announcer cites it.  Don't be alarmed by the caller's fingers.  Big Bertha to the right likes to swallow hot dogs whole, slathered in cheese sauce.  And Frail Susie has to touch all of her tchotchkes and knicknacks for good luck; she won't be sharing that XXL bag of M&Ms with you so don't even ask.

Then it's dob and chat and people-watch.  Last night, after Yeeny's eyes stopped bugging from all of the excitement, we obviously got down to the nitty gritty of embarrassing stories, dog walking, babysitting, and Brazilian waxes.

If you like reading Cubicle Land, I implore you to further explore...

Hose Down Your Hoo-Ha

This is a blog about.  Well, you get it.  Right?

It's a quippy, online commentary from a Brazilian wax technician that will have you turning bright red if you're at your work computer.  But then you'll mass email it to everyone so you can gush about the goods at lunch hour.  An old cubie of mine still goes to this technician and highly recommends her.  And quite frankly, she freaking rocks.

I wonder if she knows anything about Vajazzling...?

Friday, July 15, 2011

Summer Movie Review: Harry Potter 7.2

 Did I tell you that I'm a Harry Potter fan?  This is probably a good time to mention that I was also in Girl Scouts until 10th grade.

So a bunch of us went to the final HP premier.  The past 12 years of our lives came full circle.  Only this time my teeth are straight and I no longer get mistaken for a husky little boy.

You're judging.

WOULD EVERYBODY BE COOL?  Cuz I went on a date before the movie; negates all nerd factors of a midnight wizard movie.

I know you're all dying to hear about the movie, but I'm just gonna gush about my date.

I was five minutes late.  Which is good it's not too late but not right on time.  I mean we are like soooo past that age of like playing games. The waitress seated us outside, presented menus, returned for drink orders.  But why bore you with fine details when the night can be summed thusly:  I really brought my A-game.  Ordered a beer call Doggie Style, mentioned that I currently live with my parents and just lost my job and HEY!  I'll be in Italy by next Thursday so if you're thinking of asking me on a 2nd date you better act fast!!

Oh yeah, and the movie ends just like the book does.  Five star review.

Thursday, July 14, 2011

"my house is full of little people and not the kind that you like"

SERIOUSLY.  Where is the nearest circus cuz mama needs her fix.

Google search for "little people" has been politically corrected in the worst way.  I don't give a shit about Fisher Price toys.  Like come on you're not allowed to regulate the unregulated business of sharing information - that's just not Constitution.  What would John Hancock say??

So I brought the dog to my parents' house today.  Our family dog does not like that I have brought this new creature inside.  Which is probably why I like my family dog.  And it's a cardinal rule of mine: don't trust anything that can lick its own crotch.  But my family dog hates anything with four legs.  And she kind of hates herself (that way, I don't have to!).

Severance Package: Becker cuts off husband's pecker

( - Covering her face with her long dark hair to avoid television cameras, a Southern California woman accused of cutting off her husband's penis and throwing it into a garbage disposal appeared in an Orange County courtroom Wednesday.
Catherine Kieu Becker, 48, is charged with aggravated mayhem and torture.
Becker told police he "deserved it" when they arrived at the scene after she called 911, the police report said. The couple is going through a divorce.
Haha.  Divorce?  You don't say.

It's times like these where I need the 5am'ers.  J-fizz would be all over this.  Hard.  (Or in half? Ha.)

I wanna know what this b!tch has lined up for conjugal visits now.

Mostly you hear about exes dangling children over railings or dating someone their child's age...this includes Demi Moore, Mrs. Terry Hogan, Britney Spears.  Whitney Houston/Bobby Brown is a whole different level of extraterrestrial mind-scrambling.  Fit for a straight jacket.

Becker was just assuming the collateral and doing her own damages.  Severe all ties.  Questions?

Crazies like this are everywhere.  Just be nice to everyone and be thankful that when they go apeshit, it's on the guy who stole their Diet Pepsi from the lounge and not you.

Wrap it before you tap it.  And wrap it before someone whacks it off and leaves you with a nub.

((Thank the Google that Jwoww continues to keep me on her email list.))

Sunday, July 10, 2011

Enter the Year of the boyfriend-stealing-condom-asphyxiating dog killer

This week, I'm dog-sitting for some friends, P&D:
Text message received, “I’m with P – he says no banging dudes at his house, no parties, and for god’s sake do not feed his dog condoms! Lmao”
Absurd, right?  Except that earlier this year I was accused of having sex in another friend’s house following my weekend house/dog sitting....after her parents found the dog choking on a used condom.


The remnants of the hanky-panky that had taken place during that weekend earlier this year was incidentally from my friend's brother.  He had stopped in with his girlfriend.  They were both seniors at a local university, they had been out to dinner and needed to grab something from the house.

I returned circa 10:38pm from happy hour, and caught 'em in the act.

Whoops!  That'll happen.  Call me crazy but I didn't make a big deal about it.

The next day, one of the dogs bit me.  That little turd.  After feeding it, picking up its feces, entertaining it with a damn-ass tennis ball; the bitch drew my blood.  I will not stand for that shit.

Naturally, I'm a coward and avoided bringing up either incident to the parents.  Until my friend sent me a text on that Tuesday, while I was conveniently out at a work dinner with my boss and co-workers,

"did you have sex at my house."

After my immediate "excuse me." - she explained,

"sry my sister found one of the pups choking on a condom it found in the trash. is it urs"

[I mean, in that case...which dog, and did it die??? ...KIDDING]

Took a lot of heat in 2011.  Wasn't that nice of me?  In case you're wondering, yes I totally blew the brother in.  And yeah the dog is still living.  woo.

Now just to show a softer, more sympathetic side (must be all the direct sunlight you get outside of The Office walls.) - marvel at these adorable animals:


Touchdown: Teen Wolf's Funny or Die

There's only one way to describe this:  obession.  I know right?  Talk about lady wood*

Aside from Pacman's arrest, Steelers' Ward charged with a DUI, and Eagles' Jackson under fire for gay slurs - ain't nothing like Teen Wolf turning up the Twilight spotlight for America's favorite fall ball.

Let's take a moment to salute this fine young man for taking a stand on something other than politics.  And Gen Y has been relying on LeBron James and Lindsey Lohan for too long.  Can't get no respect around here!

You think he'll co-star in a YouTube short with me?  A viral video should say it all.  My weekly letters to that fuh-iiiiiiiine QB must be getting kicked to spam or I mean he probably just hasn't mentioned the urgent nature of our correspondence to the mail man yet (who must be on vacation anyways)...right?
((*lady wood is a special term, courtesy my pal Pat. still struggling with his blog name. help a girl out!!))

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Whistleblowing, Deep Throat, and the spin cycle.


The company that pushes an incentive program for referring a valuable, employable prospect, is promoting healthy growth and momentum for the organization; one in line with its corporate culture and drive.  This is assuming that the more effective employees will be cultivating potential employees and therefore, opportunity.

It's organic.  everybody's doing it.

That's all well and good and Business Administration-like.  Your professors would be so proud to know that you've followed the business model, cycle and its theories.

Until it's a matter of the company that sees it thusly: 

$250 reward for referring a new-hire

$500 reward for ratting out a co-worker, getting them fired

My ethics professors just short-circuited.

Who got the B.S. in Business Admin? How could the education system prepared us for the money vs. morals quandry?  (rhymes with laundry.)  Did they not know that one day we'd be driven to sheer madness in the pressure cooker of our cubicles, stealing candy from desktops and hoarding K-cups??

Recognize.  And remember it all boils down to the same thing.  So either hit, get hit, or hit it.

Then rinse and repeat.  Hard.

Everybody, be cool.

It's been almost a week, and I'm surprised that my inbox wasn't swamped with "where are you" and "sweet nothings".  I'll check the spam folder again.  And maybe you should like, resend them.  Because sometimes those really important and heartfelt emails that you mean to send get kicked to drafts or go amiss, accidentally going where emails go to die (Lady GaGa's fanmailbox?).

HAHA, fooled you.  Unemployed persons don't check email anymore.

(for those of you who are just cluing in...YOP.)

But seriously.  This is when I need you - NOW, more than ever before.  Do it because it's the right thing (and do it because I have Sprint...see??? now you feel really, really bad for me, with all those roaming charges.)

Like, I don't even know who Casey Anthony is.  Um.  Opting for USA Women's Soccer over One Life to Live??  struggles, I know.  WANTED:nUpdates and absurdities on the real world and everyday life.

What has the CE-Yo! been up to really?

Getting a fucking real. tan.

so that my hands don't peel and get splotchy from that fake shit.  YA HEARD?