Sunday, July 10, 2011

Enter the Year of the boyfriend-stealing-condom-asphyxiating dog killer

This week, I'm dog-sitting for some friends, P&D:
Text message received, “I’m with P – he says no banging dudes at his house, no parties, and for god’s sake do not feed his dog condoms! Lmao”
Absurd, right?  Except that earlier this year I was accused of having sex in another friend’s house following my weekend house/dog sitting....after her parents found the dog choking on a used condom.


The remnants of the hanky-panky that had taken place during that weekend earlier this year was incidentally from my friend's brother.  He had stopped in with his girlfriend.  They were both seniors at a local university, they had been out to dinner and needed to grab something from the house.

I returned circa 10:38pm from happy hour, and caught 'em in the act.

Whoops!  That'll happen.  Call me crazy but I didn't make a big deal about it.

The next day, one of the dogs bit me.  That little turd.  After feeding it, picking up its feces, entertaining it with a damn-ass tennis ball; the bitch drew my blood.  I will not stand for that shit.

Naturally, I'm a coward and avoided bringing up either incident to the parents.  Until my friend sent me a text on that Tuesday, while I was conveniently out at a work dinner with my boss and co-workers,

"did you have sex at my house."

After my immediate "excuse me." - she explained,

"sry my sister found one of the pups choking on a condom it found in the trash. is it urs"

[I mean, in that case...which dog, and did it die??? ...KIDDING]

Took a lot of heat in 2011.  Wasn't that nice of me?  In case you're wondering, yes I totally blew the brother in.  And yeah the dog is still living.  woo.

Now just to show a softer, more sympathetic side (must be all the direct sunlight you get outside of The Office walls.) - marvel at these adorable animals:


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