Thursday, September 30, 2010
CALLING ALL GRADS OF Zoolander's school for Kids Who Can't Read Good (and who want to learn to do other things good too)! Your stars are shining today!
Right after I read that the Naked Cowboy announced his bid for the 2012 Presidential Race is when Snooki's book announcement showed up on the feed.
And that's when I wanted to kill myself.
"A girl looking for love on the boardwalk" - 'atta Snooki. And to think, I figured all she ever got was STDs and freebies. For shame, El Prez!
Now now. We could really go big places with this. The Barnes & Noble "S-nook-e-reader"?? BAM. SOLD.
Okay. That whole 'ruining the English language' thing aside. Between Stephen Colbert's address to Congress and the upcoming Naked Cowboy campaign, America is getting royally finger-banged. Two things...is this the beginning of the Tea-Bagging Party? and will the Klassy Kat be a part of the platform?
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Congrats recent college grads...this has all to do with your college loans (thanks to Sallie Mae and Fannie Pack Frogger whoever. Solid proof that the US government is never going to get off your case). After having been thoroughly sodomized after the Second World War, and acting as America/Great Britain/France's lunch money bitch for the past 92 years, Germany's back in the cool crowd.
Just in time for Oktoberfest!
I love a good lager.
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Little Ike Ditzenberger from Snohomish WA, who has Down syndrome, got to run for a 51-yard touchdown in a live varsity game with his team. Aww!
No matter what, I'm going to sound like a straight up asshole after a video like this.
No matter what I say after a video like this, between the kankles, chins, 'f*ck a 5' comment, and the fact that Chile and Haiti have been plagued by catastrophic earthquakes earlier this year, I've already said too much.
...pregnant or ham sandwich?
It's under like Health or Body/Mind section...Like, let's build a T-chart for the Pros and Cons of Erotica! Half way through the article, you gotta wonder - wtf is this really proper, logical, non-offensive bullshit? Probably where Tiger Woods got his best lines.
Fox is like your celibate great-aunt who has a shrine to Ronald Reagan and bakes apple pies and tells you stories about the community services/missionary work she did when she was your age. It's the arch enemy to Hilary Clinton and yet the cornerstone of the Palin campaign. My girl Bristol Palin knows all about missionary.
So I don't want any more prudes dishing out sex ed, fatties telling me what to eat, or seven year-olds schooling me on Star Wars. I don't want a mosque on Ground Zero and most certainly...
"I don't want a tomato picked by a Mexican...I want it picked by an American. Then sliced by a Guatemalan, served by a Venezualan, in a spa where a Chilean gives me a Brazilian." - Stephen Colbert [Washington Post]
My goodness I love him.
Big difference between a dumb ass and a smart ass. Taste that America.
[big holler out to Betty for the video tip]
Monday, September 27, 2010
Bringing your puppy to the office is a BIG NO-NO.
Sorry little Miss Paris Fkn Hilton aka 'my-dad-was-in-the-parade', you're not in LA anymore. FYI...nobody wants to talk to you. FYI...since you brought the dog in, STILL nobody wants to talk to you. Not for nothing - it is a really really cute dog.
Pack. Your. Shit.
In other news, Colby reports that the owner of Segway died on his Segway (ran it off a cliff). What's the adage...a slave to once's device? (literally) Just another testament to the product's safety/control features. And begs the question: why is J Biebs still around??
The landlord's kid...[a seven year old boy]...is all ready for Halloween. The entire first floor of the Gingerbread House has everything decorated from spider webs to chalked windows to skeleton masks. Landlord's kid and I have gotten into some serious discussions about skeletons, trick-or-treating, and Star Wars. As in the differences between Anakin, Luke, Darth Vadar and Darth Maul. Most of you don't know this but I'm a Star Wars buff. Not ashamed. But no glow = no show. Get it?
I'm just really glad that I can pass on this legacy through him and teach him how to make the most of the bag of Halloween candy he'll be getting.
Alls there is to say...CANDY CORN. The amount of sugar I can-slash-will consume in the month of October is entirely appalling and is enough to commit me to a lifetime of Type II diabetes [sup Mary Tyler Moore]. Two words: bulk aisle.
Needless to say November comes as a total crack-addict-withdrawal-type shock in the worsttt way for me. Dunkin will also retire the pumpkin spice...aka don't. even.
My lips like sugar. What to do without it??
holla holla wtf scoops j-f
Friday, September 24, 2010
Bruins v. Panthers...preseason match. If a great opportunity falls into your lap, you're not just gonna ignore it - which is why I still don't believe that Tim Tebow is all that pure. Yeah, I said it.
My roommate gets tickets mad cheap (I don't ask questions) so we got the girls together for a night out and preseason puck. You know. Get all cute but not too overdone, after all it's only a hockey game, but after all we are looking to each bag an NHL starter.
There was no disclaimer about $7 brews, the fact that Chara looks like some busted neolithic mime, or seeing our high school math teacher who is now the "HOT DOGS!...PEANUTS!" guy. Kinda wish there'd been a midget.
Let's talk "Friday-isms", since that was the entire topic of the morning meeting. Our manager comes in, slides up to the white board and asked-slash-demanded that we shout out cliches about Friday. Master brainstormers that we are:
- Good Fridays make good Mondays
- It's 5 o'clock somewhere
Thursday, September 23, 2010
So fresh. So fly. So unfortunate that my dad flew to Indianapolis, only to see his Gmen get raped in this so called 'Manning Brothers Bowl'. As much as that sucks and as much as I love Eli, the eldest should always win anyways. And when my brother (six years my junior) and I used to fight, I would totally whoop his ace and pin him to the ground. Except now that he's a 7ft ogre-slash-lumberjack, I don't stand a chance.
...buckwild you nassssty gurl!
[thanks sink-o for the vid-eo]
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
That's a shocker. At least we Americans know how to capitalize on this. Nothing brings a smile to my face like Biggest Loser...what are we on like season 28? And they're only getting bigger (season premier in my cube @ 12pm). In addition to the FUPA, it costs twice as much to be a fat chick than a fat dude.
As if clothes shopping wasn't depressing enough...and I'm at the gym every day. To which J-fizz just says, "wait til you get knocked up." Thanks J-fizz.
mid week. yayyy.
- Paris Hilton pleas guilty to drug misdemeanor and Japan won't let her through customs - it's okay guys, we don't want her either. Tramp stamp post mark that one to Sweden...and Lohan too.
- "Distracted driving" is an epidemic - from snail mail to email, dial up to high speed wi-fi, rotary to cellular; every thing else is picking up speed these days...except for morning traffic. So why shouldn't I text HookerJones about the black midget I saw on my way into work? Rude.
- CNN's new blog? - sorry, mine's better.
- The Fountain on Locust voted America's Best Restroom - only in the good ol' USofA (canada too. with their second rate version). Cubicle Land Chronicles now accepting nominees for Land's Best Cubicle.
- "Equality is the prime rib of America," Lady Gaga address senators on 'don't ask don't tell' - yet another gem and yet another reason why your stardom does not equal a graduate degree in politics. p.s. Omaha steaks are the prime rib of America.
- Bike-Polo - WTF. I like my men like my cars, strong and built like horses. So stick to whack-a-mole horse polo. Nix the spandex.
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
The graveyard shift at Wal-Mart got ya dragging? Then load up on caffeine and choke your wife! [insert 'hide ya kids, hide ya wife' joke here]
Outlook for coffee is grim; this cracker choked his wife with an extension chord after "too much soda, caffeine-laced diet pills and the energy drink No Fear," due to lack of sleep. What an asshole.
Can't wait til the good state of Kentucky rules on this one. That's a place where the "thou must bathe once a year" law has been enacted. That's right, law. Also home of the KFC double down...aka heart attack in a sack. Stellar.
No one is going to believe you, you inconsiderate prick. CAFFEINE MAKES ME A MUCH HAPPIER PERSON. Ask HookerJones. It's my lifeline. Every twenty-something ever knows that if you didn't drink coffee after finals week freshman year, then you definitely started drinking when you started your first job (you know. that time you came in after 2 hours of sleep and wayyyy to many car bombs. yeah...that time.).
I'm not trying to have this jerk-off screw with the system. MMMMkay?
Monday, September 20, 2010
This starts with a "C" and ends with a "P". It's crap. Some scrawny, four-eyed intern got denied a job at UrbanDictionary.com and has decided to wage war with its traditional arch enemy - the Oxford Dictionary. Child, please!!
LOL and LMAO are a disgrace to the English language. An abomination! Shakespeare in his grave doth roll over. Way to sell out.
They don't put "y'all" on those pages but give the green light for abbreviations. Pump the brakes, contemporary society, pump the brakes. Until there's a definition for CUBE COMA or TWENTY-SOMETHING (fact: twenty-something is not found in the dictionary. i'm starting the petition right now.), then the Oxford English Dictionary is dead to me.
This is why we can't have nice things...
I hereby declare this day: The Annual Moustache Day at The Office.
(actually, 9th floor cube dudes get the credit)
"For those seeking to...There is nothing more enticing than a bunch of 80s era pedophiles walking around, creeping on you at the coffee machine. FYI fellas...facial hair is kind of icky. As in like gross and creepy. Especially if you're balding and the hair from your head has chosen to migrate to other, less appealing locales...ie ears, back, stomach.
Up your sales
Scoop more female companions
Command the attention of the room
And just become an overall better man"
Conveniently enough, while the guys have decided to put forth all efforts to repel the female race with their handlebars, I am sporting my "ready-to-mate" peacock pin to reel 'em in...specifically Nealon...
**peacock feather pin courtesy of Betty.
Friday, September 17, 2010
Soooooo happy birthday to Miss FaLaLa*! And Warren too.
Courtesy of Corkey and his master mind - let's play a riling game of
hide ya kids. hide ya wife.
and hide ya construction hats!
Welcome to 22! and welcome to your twenty-something stride.
Words of advice a la Cubicle Land: when in doubt...put out.
This is a preemptive alumni-slash-college-nostalgia post.
My former teammate, Mac, is absolutely crushing it overseas in Espana these days. Huh...what's that like? Now a senior at my alma mater, I like to think that she will be carrying on my legacy as VP of our ice hockey team this season. I also like to think that I've set high expectations and low standards when it comes to life experiences. I'm inspirational like that.
And now she's following in my shoes with her very own blog!! First hand travel accounts of Mac and her roommate: Travel Goggles. Expect nothing short of epic.
Back in my day I went to Santiago, Chile - South America for four weeks. Don't think I slept at all. It started with an earthquake at the Colombian airport and me arriving at my host family's circa 5am, having to scale a 15ft wrought-iron fence...and ended with me almost needing a wheelchair to disembark at JFK. Have a taste:
Not only do I bring great honor to friends and family by walk-of-shaming through American airports [in a barely-there bumble bee costume and heels], but I've also left my mark across the hemisphere...The last night in Santiago, our group went to this insane underground disco. From that night I recall like one song; the next thing I remember was lying on the floor at mi casa after violently rejecting every ounce of alcohol and "aburitos" in my stomach. Thank God my host brothers and Alison, the other American, got in from their nights circa 3am, otherwise I would have missed my 5am flight - the taxi that I had scheduled with my pristine Spanish, as we found out, was going to arrive 24 hours later than necessary.
Who threw up out the taxi window, speeding down Santiago's main drag? Who tried to apply for a job at the Dunkin Donuts in Santiago's international airport? Who had to rip off the top of a garbage can in the middle of the Colombian airport to blow chunks in front of families and innocent by-standers? Who was the girl, ass-up in the garbage can, that the airport worker zipped over to assist (with a wheel-chair)? I can proudly say that I did make my way back to New York without the help of a wheelchair.
This is...well, was...the face of a woman who faked an acid attack. Then admitted it. What an ass hat.
Now. I have been known to throw a few fakes in every now and then *ahem*. But this dumb Canadian bitch gets to look like she was mauled by a grizzly for the rest of her life and doesn't even have a worthwhile case:
According to Storro's claim, she had just bought a pair of sunglasses and was celebrating a new job when a woman walked up to her with a cup and said: "Hey pretty girl, do you want to drink this?"[some website]Like. Nobody's going to walk up to some Jersey Shore wannabe, fist pumping with her shades and gettin all crazy, and just throw acid on them. It doesn't happen. Sorry. One of my VPs gave me a cigar last week - of course I was obligated to enjoy it. So we are all outside the bar, and I've got this Cuban the size of a child's arm s hanging out of my mouth (classy.). And doesn't everybody want a piece? This rando walks up and goes "like omggg where did you get that cigar??" - I told her "my boss gave it to me!" - she goes "ohhh. did you get a promotion??" - I said "NOPE. I got a cigar." Not a cup of acid to my face.
When was the last time you and your friends went to happy hour with flasks of acid thinking, "ohhhh some recently-promoted jerk off is really gonna get it tonight...especially if they are wearing new sunglasses."
Only Quasimodo is gonna wanna bang this mama. Good luck with that socialist Canadian health care and the mounted police with their little red jackets. You can grab your brown paper bag and go shave your back now.
Thursday, September 16, 2010
drunk ass chick: "OMG I AM SO WASTED RIGHT NOWWW"Yes, my legs were about to give out, I couldn't go on and now I'll just give it up. Wham bam, thank you ma'am. DanTheMan's got a different sort of approach. Seriously is this a blow job? That depends on what you're into...*awkward pause*
some dude: "hey baby don't even worry about it, my car's right here..."
Cannot believe we have that on recording.
It's all the rage these days. And apparently, The City is not going to be left off this bandwagon of aesthetically upgrading the goods.
We had J-woww call the salon to further inquire about this brand new procedure:
- What is the starting cost...is it dependent upon surface area?
- If, per se, one has allergies. What types of adhesive options are offered?
- Does the 'jazzle' come in a variety of colors/sizes?
- Let's talk mileage...how long does a 'jazzling' last? Is there a Delta Sonic sort of promise where you can get the job re-done if it gets dirty within the first 24-hrs?
Ha. Handle. Refer to official vajazzling site for any further vajazzling questions: http://www.vajazzling.com/
Can I get a 'WHAM BAM THANK YOU MA'AM'??
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
I meannn...didn't really forget this song. It deserves a post all on its own.
Here. Allow me to decipher the hipster mentality.
"I'm a too-cool-for-school know-it-all. I have a lot of flair and style and I reject society's restraints on creativity. In all of my efforts to just 'be me', I have become just a piece of the hipster underground and have again been lost in the crowd. Only Wal-Mart will hire me because I refuse to wear anything but skinny jeans and Converse. I'm like soooo cooooool. And completely opinionated, but in a mind numbing, liberal sort of way."
Newsflash, kiddos. Stay in school and try to conform. At least you'll have a shot at making some coin. Or you could live out of the Salvation Army shopping bags of 'must have' hand-me-downs.
Wake up! Wake up!
Got a few good 'beets' for you to get it going and down to 'business'. In The Office today, we're all street.
Yeahhh, we know it's half way to the weekend...but not quite. Don't feel 'guilty' about daydreaming-and-or-surfing-the-web. But effin' snap out of it.
Bring out that little 'umph' that is in ya, just jones'ing for the weekend - and put it to use.
'Hop' to it!
[Colby gets cred for the new Jam Sesh on the right..."You Lost Me" - Christina Aguilera]
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Does that look like a lady who is phased by 'hooting and hollering' from any football team?
Female reporter, Ines Sainz, and her camera woman had an interview with QB1 Mark Sanchez. love mark sanchez. Overthrown passes her way, twitter from the guys in the locker room. Amen, right Suga? I know Suga loves his Jets.
So now there's a full-blown sexual harassment issue at hand.
What most likely happened was the camera woman got pissed that Ina Sainz (aka former Miss Spain) was casting a shadow with her sparkly crown and spring break bod - so camera woman cried lawsuit to the NFL.
Jealousy is an ugly stepsister. Jets gotta really toe the line on this one. They're the focus of some series. Hard...something? Hard Knocks, I believe. love mark sanchez.
Sainz said Monday that Jets owner Woody Johnson called her to apologize. ESPNNewYork.com reported earlier Monday that Johnson said he offered an "open apology" to her. [FoxNews]There are two things going on...firstly: the reporter chick was CLUELESSSSS. Her response was, “I was surprised to wake up on Sunday and have a call from the NFL , saying that they wanted to talk to me about what had happened at the Jets; and I asked… what happened?"
As my kid brother would say: "Is it not problem that women have smaller brain?"
And secondly: Woody. Johnson. Are we sure it's Hard Knocks?
Speaking of jealousy and ugly stepsisters...
Well, well, well. Look who's been hooked! Somebody's been creeping behind the scenes on our behind the scenes gal. Finally. Not for nothing but DanTheMan was getting far too much blog time for his own good.
[Falala* gets props for the goods this time]
Monday, September 13, 2010
A large part of succeeding in cubicle land is knowing that your boss does not empathize. Ever. Mad cow disease got the farm in a frenzy? Sorry to hear that Jameison...go dial now. Dunkin ran out of pumpkin coffee??? - oh...nope that's a completely unrealistic scenario. But still...go dial.
In the spirit of forgiveness and getting over drama, TayTay Swift and her boiiii Kanye both were harping on last year's debacle at the VMA's (if you could even call it that. it's not really a debacle unless there's sexting involved). So they separately had some underlying verbage on the incident: "Thirty-two and still growing up now; who you are is not what you did," she sang softly, adding: "You're still an innocent." TayTay, such an eloquent twenty-something.
Ahhh fresh start.
Pretty sure nobody cares. Pretty sure we are all over it. What does innocent mean here because...pretty sure he shit on your parade in front of MILLIONS OF VIEWERS. Can we move on? Nobody is paying attention anymore. Nobody even knows what Sandra Bullock's doing these days. Hanks only has her mind on picking up Colby for an apple picking date. True love.
Speaking of dead horses. Lady Gaga getting in PETA's face with the sweet outfit she sported for one of her awards that was a dress and chapeau made of what seemed to be cuts of raw beef, including a meat purse. NOM!
The "escape". Don't you think that's a little much? It totally suggests a certain feeling of confinement and need to break free from the shackles. Ha. Sorry author lady. Have you ever been to this place they call Cubicle Land? It's not all about the mentality. Like...cubes, office politicking, hierarchy...it all exists. You have to be a magician to make it out.
Friday, September 10, 2010
You come here for a mental break to read my mental breakdowns that are so carefully crafted into paragraphs of laughable verbage.
And I've let you all down. Rude! Outrage!
Cut me a break, a-kay?? Not like we really dropped the ball or anything. Life goes on. And CNN refreshes every 5 minutes anyways. Fox too.
But the slack doesn't look pretty and since mostly everyone hit up my extension to say "funny how your latest post is dated from Thursday" - I need to clean up my act, so in the name of not-dropping-the-ball-but-pretty-much-dropping-the-ball...I'll take a hint and at least clean it:
On a completely unrelated level...THIS IS WHY AMERICA IS AWESOME AND DUMB FEMINISTS ARE RUINING OUR FUN. Don't let them. Learn to wash balls better.
Thursday, September 9, 2010
I thought it was the regular old "Just Add Disney" recipe for disaster type thing. Everyone saw Britney lose her noodle, Lindsay Lohan behind bars - Hannah Montana wants to get hers too. And after Lady Gaga bleeding at whatever music show hanging from a rope, is anyone actually offended by an underage rocker showing some skin?
Nealon's been ready and waiting for this, has that backstage access pass on hand.
B Spears didn't exactly pave the way with the pig-tail-Catholic-school-girl bit. We all know where that ended up. Being a TigerBeat poster for every 13 year old's wall can really go to one's head...which is probs why she shaved it.
It was that damn Nicholas Sparks movie The Last Song that did it.
P.S. Haha, Miley Cyrus your brother is a nutjob.
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Time to surrender the booty!!
HookerJones...do we see some some grab action there?
And since it's Wednesday (even though it really feels like Tuesday), and since I'm enjoying the BEST cup of coffee EVERRRR. It's a two-fer:
Somebody clue me into the skinny jean overalls combo? Notice the pink squiggly rearing its ugly little coil from the back pocket...hmm, lil miss piggy.
Networking and pushing forward and trying to move upward - a lot of unknowns. Grad school? Should you apply for another job? Did you really give it everything you had? Is that REALLY all you have?? Like, "oh hi i'm in this cube for days and days and days, guess there's a great big world out there. maybe they fired me and i don't even know it yet. seemingly estranged. can i go back to college?"
FYI: do NOT go back to college. Well, unless you need to for your career. Like my friend MT who's going to seminary school...but that's more like continued education because you cannot preach or teach or lots-of-other-things without that coveted Masters or, dare I say...PhD.
So my buddy MT is getting his PhD as a Christian minister. We were catching up on Monday (real Monday, not Tuesday-that-feels-like-a-Monday). And he has four jobs in addition to his schooling. FOUR JOBS. And he's on a full ride scholarship! ...no pun intended...Like, dude, unless you count 'cooking dinner' as a job, alls I got is Cubicleland and a telephone.
He's quite the hustler for being a man of God. MT is a tutor for kids who are home schooled, an administrator at his local church, sells/buys gold at a store in the mall, and he's a card dealer. And by card dealer I mean to say people buy his card dealing services for their corporate casino themed parties and such. So actual Texas Hold 'Em and BlackJack.
Love me a good card game. But I always go all in and fold anyways...
Point is. Whatever you got to do to pass go and collect the coin - get it done.
[[Newsflash courtesy J-fizz: The Academy announces no more grinding at school dances. Kids are on strike! Faculty is stealing away the best part of what high school is all about!!] - so. what you're saying is...GO FISH.
I NEVER WANT TO HAVE ANOTHER CUP OF COFFEE BECAUSE IT'S JUST GOING TO SUCK IN COMPARISON.
and i saw a black midget on my way in to The Office.
I LOVE TODAY.
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Admittedly, it feels kind of wrong exploiting this, but really:
"Edward Nino Hernandez, 24, of Colombia, is currently the world's smallest man. He stands 2-feet, 3-inches tall - slightly bigger than a piece of carry-on luggage."They noted for us that Edward is only slightly bigger than a piece of carry-on luggage.
Where's the YouTube for this knee-biter?
Also. He breakdances. Not for nothing, DanTheMan you better step up your lead-singer-slash-guitar scene.
oh....so HookerJones comes through with the YouTube. Made my life.
B-fab had a 12-hour shift at the hospital and left to take a shower. BryGuy and I are sharing stories - cuz I have great stories. And we get B-fab's computer (a lot of my stories are on the Chronicles).
BryGuy goes "El Prez, you gotta see this video." He types in some duck song keyword to Google. Youtube comes up. We watch. Laugh awkwardly...seriously, duck song?? Then he says, "No...you are gonna LOVE this one."
And proceeds to type in 'midget jumps out of suitcase'. Ahem? YES OF COURSE I'M GOING TO LOVE WHATEVER THIS IS.
BryGuy navigates some adult type websites, and the video is pulled from every single one (no pun intended). The search goes on. And on. Because I realllllly want to find out about this midget. If that's even the politically correct term...I digress. Thinking I know everything about Google searches, I take the driver's seat and all the sudden
BLUE SCREEN OF DEATH.
On B-fab's not-even-one-month-old new computer. Great. So we'll be downloading the pirated stuff on that comp from now on.
"Ma'am...can you please identify your attacker?"
"HE. HAD. WHITE. SHOES!"
This Tuesday-pretending-to-be-a-Monday is totally throwing me off. And it's September. What even happened to August? Oh yeah, I slept through that month.
This weekend felt like an entire month. Alls I know is, one minute I'm chilling in O'Cals with HookerJones, the next thing I know - a tranny walks into a bar...and Nealon pours himself a bowl of Fruity Pebbles. Standard Sunday.
Friday, September 3, 2010
Thursday, September 2, 2010
By far the best 2 minute spot Hollywood has ever produced. Like YEAH I'm ready to dial!
Sly always gets the job done (if the morning meeting didn't already kick you in the ass, that is).
Sugar low. No worries, I can always count on Sly:
...but when I'm really in a bind, nobody gets the job done like DanTheMan!
((notice the walkie talkies! over and out when you can't smile and dial. natch!))
[as always, HookerJones with the hook ups]
Cancel your Labor Day plans. Big Papi's throwing a poppin poolside party. Nooooo way.
Boston Red Sox David Ortiz aka 'Big Papi' has love for Vitamin Water. Which probably comes in form of an endorsed, watermarked paycheck. I don't even care that this guy is on the BoSox. I love Big Papi. Cuz I love me some chilled VW. Gonna get me some of that. HOLLA!
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
I was sitting with our sales guy Dave, and then my buddy Joe and his girlfriend. We're enjoying our drinks, and Dave starts telling everyone how he was shooting hoops and sinking em from 90/95 feet out. I'm thinking, 'right. here we go. typical salesman'. Without missing a beat, Joe's girlfriend goes, "Hey Dave - how big is your dick?" And we are all like, WHATTTTT?? She goes, "You heard me. How big is it?"
And Dave goes, "...why?"
Joe's girlfriend slams him, "Cuz I want to see how much you're exaggerating."
Monday: The large, hazelnut, with caramel swirl, comes to $2.06 total. I hand the drive-thru girl $20.25. Drive-thru girl chings the cash register, leans back out the window and gives me $15 back as my change. I sit and stare..."wait. what?" I politely request for the three additional dollars she owes (which is legible on the register because it does the math for you). She opens the register and hands me two.
Tuesday: 100+ ounces of coffee. No biggie. IT'S JUST SO AWESOME! Whose caramel macchiatto creamer is that because it's bommmb.
Wednesday: I meannn...the lid keeps leaking. It's just rude. But Hanks missed the bus. Haha, loser.
Nothing like a lunch box to make me weak at the knees.
With the other hand casually in pocket.
Right there? Straight up swagger.
...well, kinda slouched and mealy.
I was running late yesterday so I made a conscious effort to leave my house (a modest home in North Greece) - just in time to fight through the ridiculous/unnecessary construction leading into 490...because everyone drives with their head so far up their @$$ they can't see the other side.
Seriously, I've seen people leave the lane that they need to be in so they can get into the lane that is ending ONLY to try wedging their way 1 or 2 car lengths ahead of where they just were. In those instances, I speed up and ride the bumper of the person in front of me and hope that they realize my tailgating of them isn't due to their driving but due to my disdain for the retarded motorist who thinks they deserve rights.
But I digress.
I hadn't even made it to 531 - still travelling up Elmgrove road. I'm half asleep, just following the car in front of me at a nominal distance (not tailgating or trying to be a be a dick) when BAM effin' Greece police behind me. Lights on. Gives the siren that little BLOOP BLOOP to wake my @$$ up and I come crawling to a stop (since I was already moving at a sloth's pace anyways) thinking, "FML".
Roll down my window preemptively, and pondered if that would make him nervous. Then I realized that there's nothing threatening about my car being that it is bright yellow and I was listening to talk radio. Doesn't exactly scream "murder" especially in this town.
He goes through the typical ballet, and I play along (though it wasn't so much playing as it was an honest interaction. I still had no idea why he pulled ME over). He informs me that I was going 52 in a 40, and that his automated radar mcjiggy told him so. I say, "Oh, that's strange I didn't think I was speeding, I was simply going with the flow of traffic." Not my best effort. I'll show more skin next time.
I wondered if his hand was on the pistol at his hip (which in turn led me to think that if I were gonna waste his @$$ I'd be better off keeping the gun in my door storage area where he'd be less likely to be watching so I could shoot him through the side panel). I retrieved my registration slipped the license outta my new wallet (almost dropping the rubber - whoops) and he walked back to his squad car.
Basically: This cop is the dweeb. He hates his job. Couldn't cut it as a detective so he moved to traffic as he'd already wasted the best years of his life (if his existence deserves such a title) and he was just struggling to keep his job (as it is after all the last day of the month and cops have 'quotas' to meet). I think to myself how annoying all of this is, and wonder how much the town of Greece is going to try and extract out of me so they can use my money for anything BUT plowing the roads in the winter, or maintaining drivable asphalt on the main roads. He brings the ticket back, and explains the whole deal. I either plead guilty or not. I'm totally willing to fight it and go to court with a not guilty plea, on the off chance that dorky-McOssifer gets killed in the line of duty and is unable to attend the 'trial'. (In an alternate note, I suppose it wouldn't be so bad if he actually got laid or something, I'd even give him the condom from my wallet if it would help).
My point in all of this is: why bother wasting my time for something you can't actually arrest me for??? It might as well be Jaywalking at this point. It's clear that he had nothing better to do, and due to my infinite time he felt like ruining the start of my day, while simultaneously clinging to whatever miserable existence he has himself entrenched in and convincing himself that he'd done the right thing by pulling me over instead of, yanno, stopping a real crime.
Ah yes. The sweet sound of another 3 points on your license. A sound that I know very, very well. Except I have much more of a way with men in uniform.
Why do the po have to hate on us kids who are trying to make an honest living. Please - pull us over in our not shiny, not a Beema, probably leased cars. And on the way to work? Where we have to sit for 9 hours in a dimly lit office? Rude.
Ne-yo now needs to meet Sparky.