Wednesday, June 30, 2010
This punk needs a wedgie or a lap-dance. Or both.
There's been an influx/overflow of hourly-paid, under-aged chilluns in the office: interns. How to spot an intern? They're eager, tireless, think it's really cool that they get their own extension, and don't have dark bags under their eyes.
They don't have names. They don't have lives. You know this because instead of stealing beers from their parent's fridge, they are copy/pasting every sticky noted packet of papers you personally send their way. Just because you cannnn. Suckers.
But they are the missing link in twenty-something step ladder. If you wanna hit a stride and not a gimp, you definitely want one of these coveted internships.
Internship is pretty dumb. Say good-bye to waking up at 2pm only to lay around in your bikini for a few hours. And say hello to losing your sense of worth. Play 'real life' for three months, do grunt work tasks like filing papers that will be shredded, and act like you're 100% enthralled at the honor to be in the presence of a pissant salesman who can't spell 'orange'.
Some interns (ahem, like moi), were lucky enough to get paid for their troubles. Of course they loved me. The Office invited me back for the two following summers because I basically bent over to their every wish and command, thinking "Gee whiz, I'm really making a difference!" In retrospect. It's a waste of motivation. But at least I got to by-pass the interview come college graduation. Fast forward one year and here's Shattuck, making her twenty-something debut. With a bang.
And btw...thanks Hanks for this incredible site suggestion. Total cube veteran representing. Write this down interns. Write this down.
And yes. We made a ridiculously obvious mess of ourselves trying to capture the Kodak moment with the old "Wait! I don't have any service in here - extend arm and pretend to find a signal" trick. J-fizz, partner in crime, deserves full credit for the slick pic...fist pump.
Napkin drafting to the hot mess madame ensues:
For the sake of every other girl, cover the cheeks. Did you think that undergarments would
inhibit your evening experience?
For the sake of every other guy (besides the 'gentleman' with whom you are dining), you're not fooling anyone. As per Wedding Crashers, I quote, "...tattoo on the lower back? Might as well be a bulls-eye."
Ya. Dead effing give-away. If Superman walked around with his shirt half-buttoned, showing his gleaming pecs and signature "S", then EVERYBODY would know he can fly and see through walls. Should EVERYBODY know this isn't your first rodeo?
The overt expression of your "super skillz" was, however, insanely more entertaining
than screeching cat-lady (aka live singer), over by the bar. J-fizz and I were both stunned and awed (or was that the blinding sunlight?) by the fact that you didn't feel a breeze, falling crumbs, or the glaring stares directed at your ass.
Sorry to break it to you.
But then again, you take most things lying down, eh?
Nicole Lilia et al.
So how was dinner last night with some Real Human Interaction, you ask? Splendid.
Can you take me anywhere? No.
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Please. I'll do anything for some Real Human Interaction.
Marky-Mark, our lil intern has been updating us on the Spain v. Portugal game. Btw. The World Cup sucks.
The head spinning game of telephone tag makes me a whore for Real Human Interaction (RHI). Hence, 5am work-outs and Barbie Dream Home. So yes. Looking forward to dinner at a local Italian bistro tonight. Preparing and pulling it together in order to adequately socialize in public.
This is the most heart-warming story since The Life of RJ Berger (MTV - highly recommended by J-woww & Hanks. Come to 8th on Tuesdays for lunchtime viewings).
Congrats kid on your new granny ass!! If only we all had such potential to be 'some one'...then we twenty-somethings would have a little direction in life. And a shout out in the Guinness Book of World Records. Tell me how you like the view from the top of that flagpole when school starts in September.
Eminem needs to crush his ace with some lyrical licks because this is legit the skid mark on the underpants of society...new beats. Holla.
What would have made this viral video better 10-fold? If the little bugger pissed his pants.
He looks like the kid on "A Christmas Story"...
Monday, June 28, 2010
But this wet t-shirt celebration looks like a regular ol’ buzz kill. Here’s why:
Chicks - dig golf only if that means our guy will give us their credit card on Sunday afternoon so we can hit the mall while he watches the Masters. Also. We love scandal…aka Tiger Woods. No way these ladies actually enjoy golfing. Either pick up a tennis racket or hit the putt-putt course. Yeah I said it, and I can because I’m a chick…and, I’m right.
Dudes - just dig golf. It’s a total booze-and-schmooze, old boys’ club for all ages of males. **Note: they do not dig golf for the modestly dressed lady pros who drive the ball a mere fraction of the range and are completely covered when bending over to pick up their putt**
Hopefully the LPGA trophy comes with a paid vacation to Panama City Beach for some spring break lessons on working the camera, taking celebratory body shots, and wet t-shirt contests. That’s where I learned my best moves. Put to practice on a regular weekend outing. Spring Break ‘09 - holler.
Sign me up for the next company tee time.
Somebody just kamakazee-ed my cube with a paper airplane. The article on the paper was "How to Become a Priest". So subtle.
Is this my calling? Or just some cruel joke?? Perhaps it's a *hint*hint* to *pack*your*shit*. Panic!!!
One of the many awkward stories of my youth include the "Not Me Not Now" commercial casting that I did...when I was 10...years...old. I know what you're thinking, and it's: "golly, even at the budding age of 10, this chica was a role model on the rise. One to be watched; a voice to be heard."
Now as a twenty-something. I drive past Planned Parenthood every day on the way to The Office. Tell me you've heard about the school in Massachusetts that is handing out con-dams to first graders. True story. Epic train wreck of life, don't mind if we do. Didn't anyone ever tell you that abstinence is not the answer?
Friday, June 25, 2010
The New Kicks on the Block - can somebody get these kids a siren? The Office was repping in red on the kickball diamond Wednesday night, racking up their third win with a score of 12-0. Burn.
Corkey rocked the plate with a HR and a triple in his two times up. LAF comments, "I think it was the new shoes." Indeed. Our own Nealon also secured a home run and was a defensive wall at short stop. The girls, HookerJones, LDMinc, Kristin, B-fab, brought their gold boots/heels - each having a chance to prance the diamond. Guys LAF, Dalton, Hughs, Ty-Ty also got a lil lucky rounding the bases. On defense, Lea let it rain all over the mound notching her 2nd strike out of the season. No, the kicker was not blind or handicapped.
Hutton stole the headlines, and our hearts, with his rookie debut. Really had us going when he pulled his groin on first ups. After persuading the opposing catcher to massage the affected area, Hutton dug deep. Deep enough to run down Lea at second base. They crossed home plate hand-in-hand. Wish that there were more stand-out stats to report but the score says it all (aka total domination). Be there next Wednesday for another sock 'em, bop 'em showdown.
Thursday, June 24, 2010
A douche-bag-gone-gentleman himself,
he's got nothing but love for the ladies and
does not want you to be duped by a douchebag.
And FYI that was not an earthquake yesterday...Nealon was just flexing his pecs. Yeah Nealon you do yo' thanggg.
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Psychic Story - Now, like any good God-fearing Catholic, I was taught to say the rosary and run in the opposite direction of an Oueja (pr "wee-jee") Board. But I love me a good tarot card reading every now and then.
So. Non-cube friend, Sheera, has been coming to a lil twenty-something crossroads. Solid job, solid fam, solid friends (ahem, like moi), solid awesome gal, but whereas my crossroads is deciding on which half-price martini I want at Happy Hour (which should never be a problem...if they're half-price just get both), Sheera's actually a real person and is dealing with matters of the heart.
Looking for a little perspective on the many unknowns of twenty-something life, maybe hoping gain some direction regarding the relationship issues at hand, Sheera consulted Norm the tele-psychic. Now. Normally if it's anything beyond a single serving co-ed encounter, this twenty-something blogger is not at liberty to comment. Period.
Because it's easy to joke about that Sunday Funday 'one night stand' who sleep walks and scares your roommates because they found 'one night stand' passed out on kitchen floor (hypothetical). Not so easy to joke about your boyfriend forgetting the anniversary of the second picnic you went on when you first started seeing each other but weren't yet officially dating (also hypothetical).
Out to dinner last night, she relayed the story and it took us all 3 hours to pick our jaws up from the floor. She got the freakiest, most point on, 'OMFreakinG write this down' reading. Over. The. Phone. Dude is legit. Like dead on. [see? there's a whole world of being tethered to a phone that we don't even know about. the paranormal world. cue Twilight Zone music].
Example...Norm tells Sheera she'll have twins by 31. Okay. Cool. Norm tells Sheera to get out the generators. Huh? Yeah funny thing about later that night, their house lost power for two hours. Regular non-storming Sunday night. WTF. Anyways. Then he told her not to get the surgery she was considering...considering. As in had not consulted a physician yet. I'm sold. Norm can expect my call.
David Beckham - By six degrees of separation, I have had contact with David Beckham. I'll post that later. There was just an earthquake. And Corkey wants us all to hear AC/DC before we go...
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Monday, June 21, 2010
12 Things We'd Tell Our Bosses if We Could
(#8 is a personal favorite)
The author of these juicy tid bits has a blog, "The Amazing Adventures of a Working Girl". Sister must be high on white out. Unless her adventures involve secret pow-wows on the 12th floor, a splash of Baileys in her morning mug, or Sexual Harassment Fridays become a recognized office event, then her experiences fall short of 'amazing'.
So saddle up for some life lessons with Ken.
Speaking of tools? Here's The Situation to tell you that Jersey Shore 2 premiers on July 29, 2010. OMFreakinG. Fist pump. Oh yeah.
Three things you should know about me: I love Google.
Actually, that's the only thing you need to know. Btw. Google saves lives.
J-woww's roommate, KSwift, works a second job at a restaurant. Bless her twenty-something soul because I worked at Dunkin Donuts for the better part of my high school/college summers and whether it's five course meals or a decaf with a muffin, serving sucks. And while your co-workers may be nice, they're effing nutso.
So KSwift was locked in the walk-in freezer by a fellow server (ahem. nutso co-worker). It's sound proof and in the basement...oops! KSwift used her twenty-something savvy (aka cell phone) to access Google since she doesn't have the restaurant number saved. Within minutes she called the maitre d' and VOILA! was saved from a fate of frozen limbs. It's because of Google that she's alive today to tell the tale.
It's so fascinating to see some one else experience the newness and the general freak-out of "GMTFO of here I'm not ready to give up my freedoms" and "OMG this is like college with a paycheck".
Rat racers who actually have a 'path' can kind of gauge their life plans accordingly. Like Swolf (college roommate, making her blog debut). Swolf is a high school social studies teacher. Or what I like to call History Teacher. So after a year...maybe two...of planning lessons and being hazed, she can look forward to firm footing and her own classroom. From there it's tenure, teach more, then retirement.
At The Office, we're just a bunch of ADD spaz-heads in an incubator. Keep flapping your arms until either the dust settles or you take off. Unless a better offer comes along. In which case - bang it out. Chea!
Friday, June 18, 2010
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Viral videooooo!!!! Well Disney has met its orphaned-black-kid, underdog-championship-basketball-team, Titan-remembering match. Because Hamill is about a deaf pro wrestler. What. Now.
And now let's get really inappropriate: I don't know any deaf people, but my cousin attends a local college with a considerable population of deafs. He's told me stories about walking through the dorms late at night...and because of some certain noises emitting loudly from the rooms, he and his freshman buddies have dubbed the 'deaf wing' the 'Chewbacca wing'...take a second to consider that. Probs not video games.
Cube landers hit up the viral video with views, so naturally I had to share the Chewbacca tale. Had to. And Miz, Colby, Corkey, Nealon and Crook instantly broke out in 'Bacca moans'. Miz got a little carried away. I'm still trying to erase that mental image.
Not for nothing. But for three lanes to halt on account of Peg-Leg Pete needing two cop cars, an ambulance, and caution tape - it really just chaps my ass. Please cart the unemployed bum to the nearest ER for immediate medical attention. Damn socialists.
HookerJones is much more sympathetic to the street peeps. She's used to working the corner though.
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Miz and I just got done playing "I'm thinking of a word...and I can't think of it" (lemme ask ya - how many associates does it take to come up with the word 'influence'? answer: roughly six)
But thanks to Colby, any cubes conjoined to his are now well prepped for their next Scrabble showdown. Yesterday I heard the words facetious, advantageous, launched. Atta boy!! Sink-o from upstairs should be taking notes for his new diggs. Forget verbal advantage. This is just verbal domination. But then again Colby just went full retard on us. Anyone up for a good tickle?
J-Fizz has been dishing pointers on the Scrabble 'strategery' - she says remember to always go for the triple word score - holla. So considering the critical 'influence' (see what i did there?) on twenty-something lifestyle, add it to your Saturday Game Night repertoire. Never play without a partner.
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Just the other day we were conversing and she used the term
and I nearly seized with delight.
She may be 50 but she don't act like it. (if I ever upload the video
of the pizza-bites-late-night-Taco Bell-run , you'd all agree.)
After all. It is my every wish and aspiration to be her someday...
and to achieve MILF status, graduate
from The Cube into a life of creature comforts
(and also to have a sustainable checking account).
Holla for Hey Momma! Fist pump for the viral video:
Monday, June 14, 2010
- Gingerbread House inhabitants had a fine 48-hr run...bucket lists and cookie crumbs.
- The Office Cult...we need tattoos.
Allow me to elaborate:
It's not really a bucket list. More like a checklist of the 7 Deadly Sins. At any rate. The Office cult is pretty established in The City. Rooted so deep in the underground, such a well kept secret...essentially anyone who asks "Oh, so where do you work?" has no flippin' clue who we are, what The Office is, or what we do. Yet you can't go anywhere without seeing another member of the secret society.
People-watching on Barbie Dream Porch? Spot the VoiceOverGuy from Production pushing his kid in a stroller. Run around Cobbs Hill? Avoid Hanks as she comes barreling towards you from the reservoir. Show up at O'Cals downtown? And the entourage is waiting.
But it's good that we have each other. Otherwise, HookerJones would have tried hitting on her Gym Boy. Thank goodness Nealon put the kabosh on that one. Although, he was a little late for the pic of J-woww's muck out...aka facial assault...but hopefully by this time next week there'll be a solid still-frame of a make out massacring. Sa-weeeet.
General Rule of Thumb - If you're around to watch an SNL episode on the weekend, consider yourself FML.
It's not the be-all, end-all of twenty-something life...but next time you're watching Taylor Swift stand awkwardly on stage or Justin Bieber serenade Tina Fey, I hope a little voice tells you to "damn it woman, pull yourself together." Because that means you are either 1) staying in or B) your night ended awfully early (and mostly likely, awfully lonely).
Seriously. Anything you need to see can be Googled asap on Monday morning (prime Google time while the morning mug kicks in). And what about Friday nights? Yes, glad you asked. If monkeying around the cubes for 5 days, being jerked by Management, doesn't get you one free pass-out early pass, then consider your paycheck and 40+ hours a wash.
Friday, June 11, 2010
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Not for nothing. Doesn't she know that we're at war? Annnd. I'm fairly certain that Muslims embrace bondage and hate women. Don't start polishing that tiara just yet. Cuz the sun don't shine under your burka.
It makes about as much sense as the new social networking site, Millatfacebook.com, started up by a Pakistani man. Why not just MilitantFacebook?
We are better. Our free-speech, democratic, capitalistic ideas are better, and if Pakistani man was so utterly offended, why are you feeding into our Western ways? Go back to your cave and face Mecca for a 40 day time out - and think about what you've done!
Did some digging. Felt like I was playing with fire so I'm furiously erasing and deleting all cookies.
Better yet. I love how all of their 'management' is sitting in front of computers sporting the good ol' American site. Fkn morons:
Could have saved himself a lot of hassle by simply making an Fbook Page for his cause.
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
So every day I thoroughly peruse Google. And still don't get what this effing Tea Party is about.
ALLs I KNOW is that it's political. And they're most likely not making progress. Stop sipping darjeeling and starting hitting the merlot. Everyone might get along a little better.
This week was a joke. But finally cA$H, Barbie, and I are settled. And EEK has filled her role as the officially unofficial roommate-slash-tenant.
Here's a day in the life: Wake up. Work out. Make coffee and insert IV. Go to Work. Ascend Corporate Ladder. Dinner....and nightly activities consist mostly of Monopoly or catching up on world news. Sometimes a stroll around the neighborhood.
Time to start planning our tupperware parties and luncheons. Already the social calendar is filling up. HookerJones and I are going to start up a little bake shop venture. Bring your apron. Love me a good batch of cookies.
Last week The Office laced up for the Chase Corporate Challenge, or as Upstate claims, the “region’s biggest company party”. Pretty sure that means the ‘region’s biggest YMCA locker room nightmare.’ Everyone orders those obnoxious neon t-shirts with nicknames that no one gets like “Juggernaut” or “Bean Counter”. People who take themselves way too seriously and sit behind a desk for a reason. Energy jelly beans. Fanny packs. Knee socks. And on my way to the starting line, I was flocked by a pack of old dudes - their balls suctioned in spandex. Instant seizure. P.S. We’re not running for Olympic gold here. Keep your milliseconds and your dignity.
Suffice to say I played survival of the fittest for 35 minutes. Dodging the pork swords and FUPAs.Sorry. That I’m not sorry. I sat through too many of those No Tolerance assemblies to now be damned by the cross country team’s glory events like Corporate Challenges and turkey trot 5ks that are ‘fun for the whole family’. Save the freak show and shattered dreams for the locker room.
I know all you former athletes are feeling me. Even the benchwarmers can say that we held ourselves to a higher caliber of athletic prowess than the fleet feet-ers. But when graduation came around…most of us, minus a select talented few, traded in the jerseys of competitive sports for hand-made beer olympics t-shirts, Kan Jam tournaments, and company kickball teams. Or Weaver's X-TREME soccer club.
At any rate. The Office proudly boasted top finishers like B-Rettttt who bee-lined in a blistering 23 minutes, BuckWild notched 31 minutes. Give it 3 more years, another 20lbs...and we'll all be suiting up in spandex anyways...it's only a matter of time in cube life maturation. Til we become...This Guy:
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
How terribly disenchanting. Fired. From a bank. A place where greedy, rich egotistical ding-dongs come to deposit gobs of monies. Why wouldn't you want a stupidly gorgeous girl handling their goods? Think about the extra business she could reel in.
Maybe this girl doesn't eat cookies but that's no reason to hate on her for getting the cookie.
See? Cubicle hierarchy will never make sense. Unless you're talking about Production...why do you think they're locked up on the 11th?
But the cube dudes, cube chicks...we still got game yo. But no. Leave the future of the company to the cobwebbed cronies in their corner offices. Although I'm starting to think they've cubed me for a reason...the cube across from me is empty for the THIRD TIME. (RIP Miz. On to bigger and better cubes on 9). Getting fired for being 'too sexy' isn't exactly a daunting concern of mine.
Monday, June 7, 2010
This chick has got to be kidding. "I didn't see it" and "I only had one vodka cran the night before" doesn't really cut it.
Be prepared for one such situation: you gotta hold true to the fact that you were GPSing or closing a deal...
Saturday, June 5, 2010
Me: So Ma - you going to miss having me around here?
Mom: I don't think you realize how much you're going to miss me.
So I just left my parent's house. We had a little farewell family dinner that my mom decided she didn't want to eat and that both siblings were absent for (I applaud them though. For having lives.). Steak and salad - Father and I brought our plates to the tv room. We were supposed to watch the Tivo'd "Friday Night Lights" that we missed yesterday. Until Parents got wrapped up in a deep convo about baseball drama. High school baseball. My brother's season. That just ended. Today. Brother didn't seem too concerned since he was in the basement with his girlfriend.
Then to be guilted about not "spending time" with them on my last night. You had me for a year. A year out of my twenties. A really fun, reckless, juicy and debaucherous decade of my life. I'm way more fun now than my Girl Scout badging, flute-playing days of the past. You been missing out, yo.
Leasing has brought some solid foundation to the twenty-something in between. There's $20 in my pocket and a bottle of white left to my name. I have a whole night and a whole life ahead of me. Watch out world.
Friday, June 4, 2010
When you say "How are you today? Happy it's Friday...RIGHT???" and every mother-effing-braindead secretary thinks you are hysterical, it just drives a stake through my watermarked paycheck.
This is so not worth my sanity.
Thursday, June 3, 2010
We had to wait til it came out on VHS.
But think about it. TS 1-2-3 has taken us, the Gen Y, the Boomerangers, the social-media-technologically-cracked-out generation, through our prime check points in life. From our imaginative days of cardboard box castles, dinosaurs and now it comes full circle in Toy Story 3 with the college years. It's like watching the story of my life. Buzz, Woody, little Andy...who thought that this motley crew would be the allegorical figureheads (or Potato Heads) of our lives? In fact. I've seen Miz take out his cowboy hat every now and then, you know - for old time's sake.
Not for nothing. I've already Fandangoed my tickets for Toy Story 3.
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Define 'accomplishment' and if it's beyond the reach of smiling for a 75 consecutive daily dials, then I gots nada.
But cheers to the the five finalists for the "DoSomething Award".
*Micaela Connery, 23, who started Unified Theater, a nationwide high school theatrical program that brings together youth with and without developmental and physical disabilities to act in theatrical productions*Jacqueline Murekatete, 25, a Rwandan-American whose personal experience with genocide led her to form Jacqueline's Human Rights Corner in 2007 to educate people throughout the world about the history of genocide*Wilfredo Perez Jr., 23, whose Public Health For Haitian Youth Program has trained 16 Haitian public health workers and treated 1,200 individual patients for everything from tuberculosis to malaria*Jessica Posner, 23, founder of The Kibera School for Girls and Shining Hope Community Center, providing education and social services to 5,700 residents of Kibera, Nairobi
*Mark Rembrandt, 25, who's transforming his hometown of Wilmington, Ohio, into the nation’s first Green Enterprise Zone through Energize Clinton County, a community development organization.
The cube is just a hub for creativity. Keeping it securely sealed.
Happy one-year anniversary to me. And HookerJones, O'Donnell, The Butler too!! Our class was 4-for-5 (may you forever Work In Peace, dear Dave C...). Just a bunch of go-getters making The Office rich.
Appropriately enough on the auspicious eve of the one-year mark, in the midst of boxing up my room, I found a letter. Rather a 'note to self' that read OPEN ON JUNE 1, 2010:
"A year from now, college graduation will be a distant memory. I hope that this year brings: success, the 'company cruise,' cube --> office, and booty (as in money $$$ lots of it)."Golly. The rest of the letter nearly sent me into tears. So young, so impressionable. Puh-lease. My greatest accomplishment this past year is successfully staying below the poverty line.
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Affirmative - Big Mike approves of wardrobe addition. And so does Colby. Seriously I tried the shirt on and have never seen that kid speechless. Walking HR violation or team morale booster?
One thing's for sure, with such resounding feedback I'm investing in the full spandex set. Big Mike has the connects for me.....and apparently bigger and better plans for the spandex product line.
Think: Edible Spandex. Scratch...try to UN-think that.
....mmm. Does this look edible to you?
Two days til the Corporate Challenge. That means one thing: SPANDEX. You can thank me later.
Are they cutting down wind resistance or cutting off circulation? Gentleman. Spandex and all like materials promote a certain type of intimacy that should be saved for fishing trips (far, far removed from civilization) and slumber parties.
So for those of you considering the switch from free flowing fabrics to spandex, know that the world takes you about as seriously as we take policemen who cruise around on 10-speeds...(Big Mike, I totally just called you out)
Ergo, I ordered a small shirt for the Challenge - of course The Office decided to upgrade to spandex/fitness material. But I can get away with this because, although my midriff is hanging out and arms have muffin tops, my boobs look pornstar size and will deter any straight males from the carefully plotted running path. A total HR violation. And absolute proof that Corporate America is all about A) who you know and B) flaunting what you got.
As always. When in doubt...put out.
[and no hate for Big Mike, I know he'll be so proud of the newest addition to my wardrobe]