Last week The Office laced up for the Chase Corporate Challenge, or as Upstate claims, the “region’s biggest company party”. Pretty sure that means the ‘region’s biggest YMCA locker room nightmare.’ Everyone orders those obnoxious neon t-shirts with nicknames that no one gets like “Juggernaut” or “Bean Counter”. People who take themselves way too seriously and sit behind a desk for a reason. Energy jelly beans. Fanny packs. Knee socks. And on my way to the starting line, I was flocked by a pack of old dudes - their balls suctioned in spandex. Instant seizure. P.S. We’re not running for Olympic gold here. Keep your milliseconds and your dignity.
Suffice to say I played survival of the fittest for 35 minutes. Dodging the pork swords and FUPAs.
Sorry. That I’m not sorry. I sat through too many of those No Tolerance assemblies to now be damned by the cross country team’s glory events like Corporate Challenges and turkey trot 5ks that are ‘fun for the whole family’. Save the freak show and shattered dreams for the locker room.I know all you former athletes are feeling me. Even the benchwarmers can say that we held ourselves to a higher caliber of athletic prowess than the fleet feet-ers. But when graduation came around…most of us, minus a select talented few, traded in the jerseys of competitive sports for hand-made beer olympics t-shirts, Kan Jam tournaments, and company kickball teams. Or Weaver's X-TREME soccer club.
At any rate. The Office proudly boasted top finishers like B-Rettttt who bee-lined in a blistering 23 minutes, BuckWild notched 31 minutes. Give it 3 more years, another 20lbs...and we'll all be suiting up in spandex anyways...it's only a matter of time in cube life maturation. Til we become...This Guy:
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