Enter: SuperBoots

I really hate to do this...

but, I kinda really don't.

SuperBoots. You're all gonna need a briefing:

SuperBoots was new to the department like 2 months ago. Tall, looming man - the dark and handsome type. Deep husky voice and a sly, yet comforting, little grin. Definitely played football. Totally cut out for sales...he's got a swagger; this charm. Very much like a politician. But incidentally (much like a politician) - he's fkn shithead. Lying, cheating, slimy.

On the phones he says stuff like "no-no-no-no-nooo" or "right-right-right-riiight" (rapid, almost like a stutter to give one the impression that he is listening to their concerns, but really his ears are turned off...he doesn't care and he's just gonna try crushing you.)

Thing is, I wanna like him. I really, really do. There's an energy about him that's just, I dunno yo! But then he opens his mouth and it's like $%**)$%&@#$^*ER!

The guy LOVES Superman. He's got a wife and two kids yet the only thing in his cubicle is a miniature figurine of Superman. I think he also has a tattoo...which is hysterical. When he's retired and in a home, those nurses are gonna be screaming down the hall, "HEY BEV! SUPA-MAN NEEDS A NEW BED PAN!" hahahahahahaha, laugh it up chuckles.

He has lines and lines and lines of rehearsed excuses. You offer him help on how you would have handled the call or suggest to him a certain "lets do this" sales technique, and all the sudden it's like you have accused him of stealing from the Toys for Tots donation box. Like ughhhhh dude - just shut up and listen and learn. Lies to clients. Lies to management. But gets away with it by playing dumb and by telling 'em, "I really tried hard for that one, he told me his partner would be on the call. Mannn I think he lied to me."

Oh yeah and he wears army boots. Big stomping and clomping machines that don't match any of his wrinkly work pants. Misery.

Usually after 2 months, I've gotten over my initial hate for the new guy/girl and start appreciating their quirks. Tone down the hazing. Everybody deserves a chance, right? Then he goes ahead and tells me, "Anybody would want to work under you..." [oh, so your wife then?? dickwad.]

Yeahhh so today we were cube-chatting about the plaguing of dead birds in Arkansas and those thousands of fish belly-up in a pond somewhere else in the USA. Blahblahblah - the world is going to end - blahblahblah - conspiracy theory.

SuperBoots spoke up.

"Now, my brother-in-law has a very level head. Never worries about this stuff or buys into any of that world-is-ending crap."

Intrigued, we all kinda quieted. SuperBoots continued,

"Yeah and he was telling me how there must have been a UFO, either hidden or cloaked with some sort of invisibility shield. Cuz you know, those birds had crushed bones from impact of sorts. It must've been hovering and the flock of birds either passed out from radiation or flew into the craft unknown."

...

dead. serious. And I almost threw up blood.