Cubicle Land Theory: The Employee Mindset Timeline

Every business major ever has seen this scheme before. It's your ECON 101 worst nightmare come to fruition, thanks to the law of diminishing returns. Consider,

...basically. MP traditionally stands for Marginal Product. For Cubicle Land Theory's sake, MP now stands for "marginal point of view". Noted by three phases of output/labor. The timeline itself is trivial, merely representative of the x-factor: checkpoints in your time of employment.

Phase 1 [blue hash]: Something old (or outdated, probably the computer in your cubicle), something new (your job). Something borrowed (time), something blue (the fact that you are so effing happy to be promised a regular paycheck!). You are the rookie with a hunger to prove yourself. These are usually college grads, young twenty-somethings looking for their big break. Maybe it's a thiry-year-old dead beat liar in army boots. Extend! Overachieve! This is great feeling. It's corporate bliss.

You just can't get enough of The Office and free supplies...you stay late, jam out to "Eye of the Tiger" during your daily commute, and you are practically running from the parking garage every morning just chomping at the bit for another go at the day. Ughhhh. This honeymoon phase hurts soooooo good.

Light a fire under the asses of your new cubemates. They will hate you for approximately three months. Or until the newer hires arrive. Expect to miss out on happy hours and casual Fridays. But try not to stress, they are just breaking you in.

Phase 2 [red circles]: That grind has paid off. You're in the red...you've hit your stride. Had a great review, or two. Been rewarded with a pay raise, maybe got invited to play 18 holes with The Boss. But eff dude you've proven yourself and if you fuck up, they aren't rookie mistakes. The Boss comes down hard on you for a passive closing routine. You've shown up late to a few 8am meetings.

Phase 3 [black zigs]: Noted by the black zig zags...black like my soul, black like my screen saver. Now you're starting to become paranoid that The Boss is having your calls recorded. Every miserable joke on "The Office" makes perfect sense and you are waiting at the elevator by 4:59pm daily. Hours drag. And at 2:30pm when you get that '2:30 feeling'...you actually fall asleep in your cubicle. No worries though because your trusty cubemate Hankin has your back. Wake up at 3pm and play ball toss. This sinking feeling is quelled by a little ray of hope - that every day here could be your last. And cross your fingers that you'll win the 1965 restored Benz at the Holiday Party. Which is way better than any dollar amount. Til you sell it on eBay for a dollar amount...whoops! But this is just a phase. You'll reset to Phase 1 as soon as you're demoted to researching.

The TP technically 'total product'...but for argument's sake, TP will be defined as 'tipping point'. It is the highest point on the graph. TP is the break point between Phase 2 and Phase 3. Sometimes difficult to delineate, but when you snooze your alarm 4 times, forgo make-up, and pick your outfit straight out of the dryer (in the dark), that's a clear indication you've crossed over.