What's the P.C. term for you people?

It's all fun and games until people see a midget....(elf/little person/dwarf)....and immediately think of you.

Don't be mistaken. I do NOT have a sick obsession/fetish. Or maybe that's years of well rehearsed denial. Regardless. Suga made me the happiest girl ever when he spotted the 'elusive black midget' last week:

"elusive black midget"

I love this so hard.

And I probably just made the NAACP's Top 10 Most Wanted list.

Some people get really offended when the subject comes up. The "HOW-WOULD-YOU-FEEL???" reaction followed with screaming in my face. And there's just no winning those debates. Put your politically charged pitchforks down. I'm not saying that anybody shouldn't be allowed to vote or ride the roller coaster.

Coincidentally, Gym Guy got back Stateside, having been in London during the recent Prince William engagement hysteria. He made me the happiest girl ever later last week by bringing me The Independent (a London newspaper, knowing my love for the written word). Gym Guy's exact words where that these tabloids "should sustain your for a few posts."

Center fold story: up and coming microbrewery use Dwarfs and penguins to market their goods and to protest the fact that it's "illegal to serve beer in three-quarter pint glasses in pubs"...

Nick Read driving home BrewDog's campaign for the 2/3 pint, a 300-yr old law

Have you met me?? The girl who dressed in a full banana costume for my final presentation in International Econ Theory on the banana as a commodity?? Right on.

Oh, and BrewDog stouts weigh in at 55% alcohol. Ughhh, don't tease. Gym Guy obviously wants to play matchmaker for CE-yo! and the BrewDog proprietors James Watt/Martin Dickie. Whoever came up with the dwarf idea is clearly my soul mate.

P.S. This am, J-fizz goes "Yo, there's a midget who works at TJ Maxx!"...awesome.

WTF is Cyber Monday??

Was your email just assaulted by any website you ever gave your address to? J Crew, VS, Barnes & Noble, Amazon, JetBlue, Target, Chuck E Cheese...WTF is Cyber Monday?? It's a sensory overload.

Basically the Google Gods just descended from cyberspace to tell me that I never have to take my Black Friday anxiety meds again! Thanksgiving tryptophan comas are A-Okay!

Catching up on all the weekend updates, hitting the K-Cups and now managing all of my holiday shopping via Cyber Monday is going to cut into today's tasking. We are all still coming down from the Indiana Jones/Star Wars holiday marathons. I'm still really confused that it's been 4.5 days since we all last saw each other. Hankin missed me.

Some one please get the memo out to HR and The Management. We can't be expected to work like this.

Annnnnd I just heard about caffeinated popcorn. Where was this during the HP midnight showing?? My roommates are hating that so hard right now :D

Now watch Stephen Colbert give it to Martha Stewart [youtube] - crack whore needs another quaalude.

not your mom's recipe.

...may you think fondly on the past, look forward to the future, and live purely in the moment...

now everybody gather round for mafia stories and tales of two-sided christmas stockings. cheers.

om nom nom

G-babe, BuckWild, and DanTheMan

Pumpkin pie. Stuffing sangwiches (with white bread...the kind that sticks to the roof of your mouth, ooey goodness). Cranberry sauce...ew, jk. Turkey. Mashed Potatoes. Repeat. Om Nom Nom.

Welcome to The Office: Holiday Season. Call all you want, ain't nobody gonna answer.

...why are we here today?

***This is your public service announcement, courtesy WTF and Cubicle Land:
Tis the season for turkey trotters.
Any spandex bikers are fair game. Have a safe and Happy Thanksgiving.***

Hankin's Inbox:

From: Potential Client

To: Hankin

Date: 11-19-2010, 10:09 PM

Thank you for your call today! I am excited about a new and
innovative web site for our association! And I would even be somewhat
interested in some type of personal firm availability for advertising
on the association's web site. If you are offering me a new web site
for my business, then you have not been upfront with me! And I
don't like it one iota!!!!!!! Your Hankins should have told me up
front what he was scheduling. Oh, I shall be waiting for the
appointment I scheduled with Mr. Hankins but he should have given
more information concerning what I would be hit upon. Bring it on
and it had better be good or even excellent.
- Potential Client

Um?

Notable and Quotable Points:

• "I don't like it one iota!!!!!!"
• "Bring it on and it better be good or even excellent."

Hahahahaha. Sir/Madame, did you feel misled? Were you expecting one thing, and then received another? And finally...what type of quaaludes are you taking?

Welcome to Sales.

BTW, I still heart Hankin.

Isn't it a beautiful day for dialing?

Photo submits - courtesy Miss Marcy

Warning: Thanksgiving marks the start of the merry-making season. Don't expect to focus, do expect to put away the headset because even Jamieson is getting hang ups.

It's about to turn into an HR nightmare. Today was Taco Tuesday at The Office. Tomorrow is Pizza Wednesday. Way to make swooping gastronomical generalizations based on ethnicity. Almost time to deck the walls with 'holiday lights'.

10th Floor is taking it to the next level with their Impromptu Turkey Tack-up. In the spirit of every American ever please notice: Ghetto Turkey is reppin the hood ["Happy Turkey Day Homies"], there's even Gay Turkey [rainbow feathers] - and you know I'm all over that fkn Midget Turkey. Get that bitch into a fryer.

*gobba*gobba*

midget turkey!! look at the midget!!

Everybody freak out about TSA full body scans!

Some critics are calling on travelers to declare Wednesday National Opt-Out Day. While organizers declare the intent isn't to slow down traffic, authorities fear that's exactly what would happen if thousands of people demand the search. [CNN]

Come on. National Opt-Out Day...you out of your mind? An opt-out would result in a colossal grid lock and everyone would miss their flights, and every stranded traveler would rush to the Hertz counter for rental cars to make it to their holiday destinations, but the influx would wreck the supply/demand scheme and there wouldn't be enough mini vans or sedans. EVERYONE WOULD MISS OUT ON THANKSGIVING! How much more un-American can you get?? The answer: none, none more un-American.

Those 'critics' and 'opt-out enthusiasts' sound like a bunch of communists.

Betty's been to European airports that frisk travelers hard core. Yeek. I'd rather have a scanner see through my clothes than some grimy security guard getting a chubby from feeling up on me...but if I do concede, can they knock a couple bucks off the checked-bag charges? (hey. everybody has their price)

and WHY CAN'T YOU SAY BOMB ON AN AIRPLANE?? - "Meet the Parents"

Now let's get serious. In a follow-up reader email from a Newsy.com rep:


pp

Multisource political news, world news, and entertainment news analysis by Newsy.com

[see their post - click here]

Wake Up and watch Seymour blast Roethlisberger

Nov 11, 2010 ... Big Ben to have easier day: Pittsburgh QB Ben Roethlisberger is going to have an easier time on Sunday of Week 11 against the Raiders. [CBS Sports]

...Yeah?  How'd that prediction pan out?

College co-eds don’t pack a punch like Seymour, eh Big Ben?  He just turns around and it’s ’say good night.’  The Raiders' mind-numbing loss (35-3) is already history.  Give that man the golden glove award.

PS.  AMA Breakthrough Artist goes to Justin Bieber - really America??  UK's bout to step in...

Russell Brand getting ready to slip his boo a Jeffrey.

"I'm like the dog in Sandlot..."

Jamieson: I'm like the dog in Sandlot.

Kane-O: ...you sure you want to make that comparison??

Jamieson: Well I just keep any of the balls that land in my cube -

Colby: Yeah, we got it Jamieson.

.....silence.....

Corkey: DAAAA-MON!!

Dude, if you steal something you should give it back. Or at least offer up some reparations. WTF Friday...

X-Treme: Bank CEO #2 of the day...anybody wanna take odds??

J-Wow/Corkey:...NOPE!

Good news though. Hankin said he'd stay my cubemate forever more!

J-woww bringing it home FTW with Salad Hands. Is it 5 yet?

...yeahhh, I just don't see the resemblance.

Fort Worth high school teacher, Jennifer Riojas

Fort Worth Star Telegram - A former Carter Riverside High School teacher was arrested Wednesday on a warrant accusing her of having sex with a 16-year-old student. Jennifer Lee Riojas, 25, taught ninth-grade science until she resigned Oct. 21 during a school district and police investigation, a school spokesman said. She faces a charge of sexual assault of a child under 17. The teen, now 17, told the detective that he was in Riojas’ first-period class as a sophomore in the fall of 2009. After a while, he started spending lunch periods in her classroom. He was on the football team, and she started attending games, according to the affidavit. While he was hospitalized for a sports injury in December 2009, Riojas visited, and they had sex for the first time in his hospital bed, the detective reported. Later, the teen said, they had sex in rooms Riojas rented at hotels near North East Mall. The detective wrote that he was able to confirm that Riojas paid for rooms at a Hurst hotel on Dec. 10, 2009, and on Jan. 28. [courtesy Boston Bar Stool]

Before the daily 'vote on the hottest smokeshow', Colby and Corkey started giving me props. Cube to cube shout outs about me being the sex scandal hottie - I'm like "hell yeah! Wait...what'd I do now???"

And it's because Barstool posted a breaking sex scandal story: 25 yr old science teacher and her 16 yr old student. And...she's got a bun in the oven. Sweeeet.

This hooker is trying to steal my looks.

CE-yo! (and betty)

WTF. bitch we do NOT hit-and-run on minors.

[see original posting on Barstool - straight A's.]

FTW - RED BULL THURSDAY

Colby passed out...

 If you hate the low-budget 5 Hour Energy Commercials, clap your hands.

Corkey how is that 2:30 feeling?  WTF.  Thank God the Red Bull Girls made a personal visit to The Office to save the day!  They could be here stealing the new Office patent but nobody cares because they fkn have Red Bull.  Roll out the red carpet, stat.

I don't want to spit in the gift horse's face (or whatever) but, can we request midgets next time?

*cue trumpets*

Not sure if Red Bull is giving them wiiiiings or scoliosis.  But I don't really care.  Because we're about to shotgun this sh!t.  You're on, Kane-O.

Burger King F-Bom-nom-nom!

F-Bomb Served up at Burger King

Francisco Perez was shocked when he went through a Sacramento drive thru for a cheeseburger and saw the words F*** YOU printed out twice on his bill.

He spent $9.22 on a double Whopper with cheese, onion rings, funnel cake sticks, and a small drink during his late-night food run.[UK News]

HR NIGHTMARE!!!! hahahaha.

Okay, that's awesome. I worked at a fast food establishment for five years. I could barely cash out a $2 transaction. Looks like Armand the Cashier is severely overqualified to have cracked the cash register code. Where was Armand when we were planning our senior prank?

I'm actually more offended that this guy wanted his Double Whopper cut in half. Seriously, wtf is that.

The King was totally calling him out.

btw...what the hell are funnel cake sticks???

OM NOM NOM.

Get me these guys. Stat.

...vital energy...you don't say? Hahaha these dudes are insane!!! And I love it so hard. As if Santa prematurely granted me all of my caffeine dreams under one giant florescent light. Coming in hot...or cold...with 150mg Caffeine (2x redbull®) and tasty like a Vitamin Water (we all know how I love me so VW).

Yup, every thing that every thriving twenty-something ever needed. How else do you expect to fuel your corporate climb?

All you meat heads up on the 9th floor can thank me for this juicy, health-conscious find. Check it out... www.thevitalenergy.com

Hey guys, are you so pissed right now that Eric Johnson sealed this deal?

Sources confirm to UsMagazine.com that the singer, 30, became engaged to beau Eric Johnson on Thursday, just days after Us broke the news that her ex-husband, Nick Lachey, popped the question to Vanessa Minnillo, his love of nearly five years. Simpson and Lachey, 37, split in 2005, after three years of marriage. [MSNBC]

So just before she hits age 30, Jessica Simpson gains a fiance. And like thirty bills (yeah, yeah act like you didn’t notice)…at least we know this time it’s true love, right? Because if your guy can watch you slam buckets of  “sorry I don’t eat buffalo” wings til you look like you’ve applied lip plumper to your entire body, then it’s love.  Fa’sho.

Way to become the icon for every uber-feminist ever.  While the rest of us get our gym on at 5am, treat yourself to another muffin top with a tall glass of “my man loves me for my personality”..

I’m all for working with what you got.  But if I have this:

…then you bet your daisy dukes that I’m hustling every. day. on the treadmill until my lungs bleed.

Good thing I don't have that 'problem.'  Who's on for donuts tomorrow?

MY MOM HAD A COLONOSCOPY!

My mom had a colonoscopy. But I'm not allowed to blog about it...*sigh*

Baby Shower Blessings (and my baby mama drama)

Sometimes I act like a mature young adult. Make dinner, shop for groceries, send birthday cards...standard, manageable stuff. But then there's the occasional baby shower to shop for.

Now before I continue, get 'mo educated on typical babies-and-twenty-something word association:

• babysitting - (v.) watching chilluns that are not ones own...usually coincides with monetary gain
• The Baby Maker - (n.) delicious martini made specially at Lola's (two-for-one happy hour, yes please)
• A Jack and Coke (n.) - not Jack and Jill
  
• slam dance - (n.) how to make a baby...

Hmmm.

So I went looking for baby stuffs this Sunday. Ended up in the pet food aisle. Surprised? I finally made it to the correct diaper-clad corner of the store and...dude. Ray Charles could have seen the panic on my face.

I really have to applaud the gym ladies and my momma who've prepared me for situations like this. Cuz one of these days when I'm a fully-functioning adult, elbow deep in diaper wipes and pissing my pants when I sneeze, I will think fondly of the gym ladies because they didn't sugar coat anything during our daily 5ams. Keeping me on my toes. ScottyB and Suga get a shout out too.

Whatever, they can thank me for the vajazzles that the CE-yo! Elf will be gifting to them this holiday season.

So it came full circle last night for J-fizz's baby numero cinco baby shower. Put those Mr. Clean Magic Erasers to good use, mama. The gym ladies had a great little celebration at our favorite Italian restaurant - Compane, holla. Celebration (and good food) - and cheer (and even more good food) - and pink onesies (and cake)!

Like, I've been sitting in my cube grinding it out the last seven months while you have been growing a human - wtf cubies, how's that for some perspective. Nonetheless it's really, really cool to have been a part of it all :)

My baby-mama-drama aka worst nightmare is having kids and, knowing me, they'll end up some disaster like crack-head-kid Willow Smith:

>>> WTF lil Smith. Let's reel it back in to the pet food aisle for now...



HAHAHA THIS BIRD IS THE SHIT!!!!

[word up to T for the bird blip]

{fist pump for lil baby blessings}

Get 'mo educated on relationships

On her brand-new album, Loud, Rihanna sings about the complications of love on a song called "Complicated." She addresses the hardships and misunderstandings two people can have in a relationship over a radio-friendly dance beat:

"Women, they're the first to say, 'It's your fault,' but most of the time it is [the man's] fault," she laughed. "But men are also great at turning that sh-- around on us and making us believe that we're wrong for something that we didn't even do. At the end of the day, love is f---ing complicated."[MTV News]

...all i got from that was "BLAHBLAHBLAHBLAH - I'M CRAZY-GIRLFRIEND YOUR BROS TELL YOU ABOUT!! RUN IN THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION OF ME! I'M BATSHIT CRAZY! WAIT I BROUGHT YOU A LOVE FERN!"

I dunno. There's something to be said for holding out on the goods - see that Beatles/iTunes deal? Pedestal - notch. Absolutely mind-blowing.

Now every girl ever knows that dudes are just trying manipulate us with their pig-headed, misogynistic ways. How could I have gone all these years, blinded!? And as a brunette??

That's great and all Rihanna, but you are like two years too late. Do you steal men like you stole the Kool-Aid hair trick? My girls Scoops & DripDropz posted me this video...and I'm already 'mo educated' about gettin mai mannn. Which is a good thing because between smiling (and not dialing) and board game nights, I was really losing my touch.

Tracy knows what's up with Kool-Aid hurrrr:



[Scoops & DripDropz get props for the video tip off]

Fight or Flight.

College students divided...two things on CNN.com today: the Four Loko debate, and the struggle for the Quidditch World Cup.

I'd really hate to see the Four Loko go. A12%-alcohol-by-vol, caffeinated, carbonated beverage is obviously the answer to the black market adderrall peddling going on in the library basement of every college campus. Does government really want to start that whole Prohibition thing again? Fight for your right to party.

Figures that Yale, NYU, Harvard, etc would have Quidditch teams. Do you think that JK Rowling is laughing it up at the thought of these twenty-somethings running around with brooms in their crotches??? She's probably reading up on the Quidditch World Cup write ups in the Daily Prophet...aka sitting in some fkn chateau royale, wiping her ass with the madd monies of her Harry Potter fortune and sneezing gold coins out her nose.

How about the perfect union: Bill Clinton joins the cast of "Hangover 2". That is so gangster. He sees all those Hollywood hotties trying to make political waves, and *BAM* Clinton's on set for "Hangover 2" in Bangkok (really...Bangkok. how's that taste, Hilary...Monica...registered voters?).




[Betty bringing on the inspiration]

...another one bites the dust.

this is a two-fold post.

Part I : Every computer that I touch, crashes. Or has crashed this past week. Do ibox-XBox things count? (Sorry bro-ski.) My cube is therefore under construction. You know where to find me this week. Got an office with a view - holla!

Part II: FaLaLa*...if you ain't got no money take yo broke ass home (or if you find a place where you can make better money then get the hell outta Dodge.)

Everybody says that you're not here to make friends...but. After looking at the $$$ this weekend, seems like friendship is the only thing we've made at all. Probably because it's free.
Ah, but the show must go on.

HookerJones has left the building.

Dear HookerJones,

At least you left in style. Handed it to 'em - along with your resignation. Cubicle Land is gonna miss ya...but if the corner of Lyell and Mt. Read is your calling, we know you'll go far (easy fellas, for a price. obvi).

xoxo, Chunks

Get ready to buy everything your co-workers kids are selling

 I can't believe I'm doing this...Betty.  I'm sorry.

Want to scar your kid for life?  Send your daughter on her first sales adventure: door to door peddling cookies.  Of course the neighbors aren't going to say no, but they aren't gonna buy me the cookeis.  And faghedddabout little boys and their bear cub pack leaders in the woods.  In tents.

So, I used to be a Girl Scout **shudder** ughhhh.  Oh yeah, Betty was too.  Better you find out here than when the media decides to blow up my election spot and leak pictures all over Guam.  Whatever.  Sweet sash, cool badges - I was the shit.

The lynch pin of the Girl Scout Mantra, "to serve God and my country, TO EAT COOKIES AT ALL TIMES, and to live by the Girl Scout Law"...was totally my thing.  Until my mom volunteered to be the Cookie Mom.  There's always that one girl who makes bank because her parents assault their co-workers, corner them with guilt and sugar.  I hated those parents.

What did those 400 boxes of caramel things get you - a t-shirt and a friendship bead?    Because it got me a weekend of indentured servitude.  My mom made me unload and stack and count (and recount) every fkn box that arrived in our garage.  Hope you're happy.

Sorry that my mom actually expected something of me. She wasn't knocking on doors or even escorting me around the 'hood.  Dad mayyyybe hung the order form outside his office.  You think he wanted to be schlepping boxes like a mule to his building?

And guess what: I still hate those parents.  Because now I have to avoid their eye contact, fake incoming phone calls (mouthing "oh sorry i need to take this!" and sprint in the opposite direction), and pretend I lost my wallet for three weeks.

Start fitting a line in your budget for Cubicle Land Co-Worker Kids.  And like, not even really your co-workers.  Because if Colby fathered a few, I'd buy whatever coupon booklet and candy bar within my allotted budget.  It's cube code...ya kinda hafta.  But c'mon.  If you're calling on me from three floors up and two departments over and I've only seen you once in the mail room, then GTFO.  Do you not see me rationing oatmeal these days??

Basically, I didn't feel bad watching HR call in back ups to help a Girl Scout mom - industrial mover carts and all.  How's that taste?

(fine, i caved.  i felt a little bad. and even offered to help.)

GUYZZ WANNA BUYYY SOME COOK-AYYYYZZZ???  Haha, Corky Romano.  Sly sonofabeetch.

this is why i puck

I'm so not a Penguins fan but.  I so could be.  Just for Sid Crosby #87.



hockey and tim horton's coffee?  uh huhhhh.  [insert joke about creamer here].

The CE-Yo! Wants Your Submits

Yeahhhh.  The CE-Yo! Wants Your Submits - this message goes out to veterans and nubes alike.

Nealon gets intellectual (shocker):  Our redneck cubemate hits it home.  Does Orkin have an Immigrant Agenda?  Put your politically charged pitchforks away and grab the popcorn.  Think....El Caminos, bugs, illegal Mexican immigrants, extermination...the struggle that is the Orkin Man's commercial.  Shit, that's deep.  I usually just feel high every time I see these giant walking bugs on TV.  Now that Boehner is US House of Representative's majority speaker, betcha Bush is backing these to seize the nation and restore sanity and/or fear (or was that John Stewart...?). 

And S-club threw this one my way: Kama Sutra Silly Bands.  Obviously she knows I have fine taste in accessories.  They'd go well with the vajazzle-bling.

Jill, just putting this up so you can view it later:  Madness Hampsters, this guy's out of his skull.  Gmail is the pinnacle of cube living.  When my GoogleMail theme of the day is a bunch of cartoon hampsters and rhyme about "every night they visit you / every night they come / and bit by bit they steal your brain / and feed it to their MUM", it doesn't sit quite well.  Sensory overload.

**on the outside, it's veteran's day.  i think people with good jobs have the day off.  at any rate.  salute your veterans and down another 8oz. of that caffeine lovin**

GGTW....GTA

Guess Thursday's Ass just bouncing by, "College girls rejoice - its God's gift to women," courtesy of Nealon. He's a pretty reliable source of ace for Cubicle Land. So if you had a wicked cuh-rayyyyzeee night out, you probably saw GGTW ass - LOLZ!

They love me! They really love me!

Jump-back-smack-that-and-holla-back...THAT'S WHAT'S UP!  Hahahahahaha my roommate AshCa$h absolutely crushed it with the trophy - girl you rock!  Hosting an awards ceremony (and dessert) for my shining moment/blog-iversary (and dessert)!

I may have actually squealed with delight.  I think it should go right next to my Polycom phone.

"The best part about every day here is knowing that it could be my last"

store flyer - scored by Jamieson on her weekend spree

By JOY they obviously mean JOKE.  You want to market to young professionals?  Then give me some Salvation Army prices and a two-for-one Lola's happy hour special.  What kind of sick trick is this...obviously if your cube is a thrill it means you're making madd coin.  By THRILL they obviously mean PANIC or FEAR-STRICKEN-PARALYSIS or CAFFEINE-COMA.  We've started betting on chopping block spots.

No truer words spoken than by RonTheResearcher: "The best part about every day here is knowing that it could be my last."  Uh...YOP.  Besides Guess Thursday's Ass...and stealing Xtreme's bottle of honey.  It's the end of the day that crushes your soul.  When you're rinsing out that coffee mug and actually start talking to it, "you got one more day in ya?"



**DON'T FORGET YOUR GTA SUBMITS**

Twenty-Somethings are in the clear

Get ready to feel really good about yourself:

"Rise of College Tuition" - over the past 33yrs

"Thrisis" - an uneasiness people experience as they hit the big 3-0. Or the big 3-uh-oh, as we like to call it.

...twenty-somethings, relish your moment.

I'm over people freaking out about college tuition. Everybody pays for it. And everybody pays it off for the next 60 yrs of their lives. You don't wanna pay for it? Then don't freaking go. If "wealth is the ability to fully experience life," then technically college students should be working on their fortunes. Diligently.

And wtf is this 'thrisis' nonsense. You mean "thirty-something crisis"? The article sounds like a lot of thirty-somethings realizing: "Oh, I'm 30 and still living at home and unhappy with that?" Shocker. They need to check out Ernie Borgnine's take on life and longevity.

Nothing feels safe than my cube right now. Unless you're Xtreme. Who's blue (abba dee, abba da).

Ain't nobody questioning the secret prison for teenagers just locking kids up in Utah. Or giving the Twinkie Diet Guy any credit(he lost 27lbs by Little Debbies alone!). FOR SHAME.

Mad old guy claims jerking keeps you young. On Fox News.

The woman is just sitting there is thinking "OhMyBod!" And the dude on the far end can't even function...probably been a while huh? Gotta give that anchor some credit, he handled himself really well sitting next to a guy old enough (and crusty enough) to be Hugh Hef's grandfather. Like geez, Hankin gets creeped out when I pack a banana with my lunch.

Ernie here knows what's up. Effin 91-years-old. His spank bank repertoire's gotta go way back to the black and white silent theater. At least when he does cross over, he'll be going into the ground stiff as a board. He just wrecked every "you'll grow hair on your knuckles" myth ever. Good news: Justin Bieber can finally become a man. Or at least he can start twerking working.

About that...

Linda...about that mullet.

Kathy...about that scoliosis.

...these are random website pics - just some daily Research and Development coming 'atcha.  Thank you Lake Superior local businesses.

Still drooling in laughter.  All over my keyboard.  Linda.  Effin Linda is KILLING IT right now.  ick, big ol' dyke.  Can't even stand it.

Step back and appreciate something beautiful.

wow. right??

and now recognize a pile of BS. ke$ha and katy perry's two-for-one-multi-million-dollar-hits...tik tok and california gurls are the same exact song. wtf. couple of communists. call it pop culture's 'just add slut' recipe for success.

Doesn't this trick play vid just make you wish you'd tried something cool to embarass your peers?

Haha, run Forrest! Look at that itty bitty safety go. I'm cc'ing this video to the Bills' offense. Because I opted to watch my brother play in a Boys v. Girls field hockey game at 2:30pm on a Sunday... Field. Hockey...instead of watching the Bills game. Buffalo decided to pack it up in the third quarter anyways.

Yop. So we went to sit on metal bleachers in 40 degree weather while my bro was throwing 'bows at his high school girlfriends and whapping at croquet ball.

It was like trying to decide whether to bet on blind kids at bumper cars or deaf kids playing Marco Polo. If my boy T didn't forward me the vid, I really was gonna be at a loss. As if it didn't fit perfectly.


And now. FLYING V. chills every time.



[Thanks T-bone for the video tip. and thanks Sprint for my smartphone.]

"I love smiling. Smiling's my favorite!"

...and in a strange/coincidental turn of events.  i never have to make a dial again.  so. just smiling for now...

i love smiling, smiling is my favorite.




don't even. you know i'll still be blogging.

The One Year Shpeal.

Tomorrow marks the official 1st Year Anniversary of the Cubicle Land Chronicles. yayyyyyyyyyyy.

I may have been brainstorming icon/logo ideas last night. Maybe.

It all started back up on the 9th Floor with Pod Snack-A-Lot and the gang (HookerJones, C-dawg, Chi-Chetti, and The Butler. and of course...me). The first post was actually the new hire questionnaire we drafted and crafted to weed out the weak links. Maybe you thought I was jesting in my post yesterday - but I for real couldn't keep a cubemate for a solid 6 months. I went through like three or four.

Anyways, on November 6, 2009 the blog was "Unofficially Official" - the questionnaire that I sent out to varied recipients. Their mostly-appalled, mostly-confused responses made it clear that this had to happen. Or that I was straight outta my mind [click here to read the inaugural blog post].

Cheers. To Cubicle Land. Where the coffee flows freely, where people do not look forward to your phone calls, and where your life has just been dominated by The Management. May it make Friday at 5pm one of the best moments ever - one that you get to experience every week, for the next 60 years of your life.

Cubicle Land's List of Top Ten Twenty-Something Pointers (sprinkled with some key posts):

• Start each year with a bang.
• Your first year of cube life will be marred by two words: PANIC BUTTON...so GTFO unless you want "Fries with Your Future".
• Phones have cameras for a reason. Mostly for insanely awkward snapshots of every day life ("Crack Kills: An Adventure in Casual Dining"). But. As we learned, and streamed press conferences online, sexting ruins lives...even though it's really really really awesome when Tiger Woods and Brett Favre get caught with their pants on the ground.
• Cruise season begins and ends with carbicide. Take a bite out of life.
• Think: GTL. Gym. Tan. Laundry...seriously. Break it down, and that's basically what your twenties are. Fist-pump holla. If you're in your twenties; then everyone who isn't in their twenties most likely loves your life so hard. Make them jealous. And keep them guessing.
• Remember When...we crafted that memo to HR about hiring better looking dudes? ...BuckWild was banned from Canada?...VAJAZZLING?
• As always: "ABC - Always Be Closing", "When in doubt, put out.", "Smile & Dial", and "Google That Shit."

[by Top Ten. I meant Seven.]

special shout outs go to HookerJones, J-Fizz, & Hanks. for the bees-knees and contributions this whole damn time.

That's a wrap.

Company Wide Email:

Hey everyone,

Someone is in possession of our clapper board (slate). Attached is an
image. If you have this please return it to the studio
immediately as it is needed for a shoot this morning. Thank you.

JF

the clapper

I mean...The object in question, pictured above, is The Clapper. An official director's tool. Not sure why anyone would think to take such a thing. We cubies are lowly and homely; never to be mistaken for actual talent. So the cubie who hoarded the scene-taker must have been a worthy candidate [who spent four years in LA, no doubt]. Made for greater things, no doubt. Which is why our manager decided to shove it down her throat and mock her with The Clapper, no doubt.

And left it there to haunt her.

Somehow. When the manager booted the "Scene-Taker-Star" on Wednesday afternoon, and then packed her shit for her on Thursday. Did he forget that he boxed the very clapper that he pranked her with? Yeah I'd toss that in the river. Go fish, Elvis.

This is why we can't have nice things.

Hanks is killing it with the links today

om nom VOM

Bacon flavored soda - click for the taste test vid and see how much everyone wants to vom.  Doesn't get much fatter than that.  Jones Co. also has Turkey Dinner flavored soda.  Sensory overload.


The San Fran Ban on Happy Meals - so that the kids' parents can what, order them super sized meals instead?  Kids eat like five fries and then they're done and bored with eating anyways.  All they want is the damn toy.  Plus they've done so much to make the Happy Meal healthier these days with mini milk cartons and apple slices. Face it.  Happy Meals keep everyone happy.  Caregivers everywhere should be infuriated.  Not only because of the money they'll now waste on regular sized and higher priced burgers/fries, but also because of the extra leftovers they'll mindlessly scoop up while chasing the chilluns around.  Say hello to 20lbs. 

Minnesota Mom Fined $1.5 Million - for illegally downloading and sharing songs - "that poor woman", literally.  They weren't even good songs.  Everybody's just suing on principle these days.

Really messed up Christmas gifts for your nieces/nephews -  face it, the holidays will be here in like two seconds. And my little cousins are sick of sock puppets and toothbrushes.  But I'm not sure how the fam will react to little John and little Matthew unwrapping this package:

I'm at a loss for words.

Guy reading Kindle and talking on cell phone.  While driving.

Cleaning it up in the ring...wait...cube? I mean...???

First of all...I saw "pee-wee" and got really excited because I thought the video had to do with midgets. Pee Wee Herman is disgusting. You can imagine my dismay. Except for the immediate turnaround because The Miz is legit the man. Remember his MTV Real World days? He's so fkn hot. I just melted in my chair.  Also, we've been on a bit of a boxing kick.  Knocking em out, holla WTF.  Nealon gets props too.

So let's heat up the love. With some cube etiquette. To think that your co-workers don't deserve a little bit of respect and decency will mean an empty you across from you for nine out of the twelve calendar months. You know. Try to un-glue your eyes from the monitor, unravel the telephone cord from your neck, and stop picking at your teeth once in a while [Unless your former co-worker used to awkwardly hit on you or texted you to go out on January 2nd at 6pm...in which case, do everything to make the workspace messy, odorous, and uncharacteristically stressful].

Hankin and I have been cube mates for almost 4 months.  That's the longest I've ever been with a cube mate.  It's like that honey moon stage is over.  No more morning butterflies.  Gotta keep this one hanging around.  I Googled the solution.  Naturally.  And the "never-trust-anyone-don't-use-screen-savers-that-make-noise" is so not real life.  Come on.  Not ditching The Bieb Screensaver over an outdated article from an unknown server.  Here's my list for keeping your cube mate happy:

• staring directly at them for extended amounts of time without faltering in your focus
• have many trinkets (like stress balls, photos, interactive/colorful magnets, self-portraits, etc) for their entertainment when sitting and venting
• play ball toss!!!
• bring Dunkin Donuts coffee for them. not every day (that's excessive) but maybe once in a while.
• NEVER clip your nails. or toe nails.  EVER it is the most grotesque habit ever.

That's a wrap for Cube Chronicles Celebratory Countdown: Day 2.

...i'm really glad tomorrow's dress down day...

GTA: Guess Thursday's Ass

Sneak attack from the back. No pun intended. Ohhh baby meet me by the fax machine. The arm is a dead give away. Baby's arm?? Again, no pun intended.

The new GTA spin is fresh from Nealon - Guess. Thursday's. Ass. Designating your Thursday workday warm up to include the goods. You know I love designating days. Especially to a lil ace. Loving the reader submits lately. All the pent up creativity confined within those cubes. No more, I say!!

As long as you keep 'em coming, Really, no pun intended, then we can keep the GTA: Guess Thursday's Ass booties bouncing fa'sho.

"Rent Is 2 Damn High" Guy, meet Young Boozer

"Yes, Young Boozer is my real name. I was named after my father who first made his name as a football star for the University of Alabama. My father was named after his father who served as Mayor of Samson, Alabama." [YoungBoozerForTreasurer.com]

So, Juvenile Heavy Drinker, if I may call you that...otherwise just known as Young Boozer III...what you're saying is that you were named after your father? Or you mean your father's father? To be exact. Which one of you is your son, Young Boozer IV, named after? Sweet vanity.

Sorry "Rent Is 2 Damn High" Guy. Boozer is about to slur your face.

The Republican party just scooped up every single kid with a Four Loko hangover. Spades. Don't get any ideas. Of course we want this cracker counting our coins!! Don't be discouraged for missing out on the polls yesterday. Come the next four years we're gonna blow up Boozer's spot hard core. Move over Obama. Preaching that the economy is the reason for the Democrats' shellacking. How about your fat lazy fkn cabinet screw-balling and photo-opping. HUH?? Go cry to Oprah.

I digress...

>>Did you know that Hiscock's brother just got married? I CAN'T BELIEVE I WASN'T INVITED TO THE 'HOLDEN-HISCOCK' NUPTIALS. Outrage.

Will somebody get the kid a happy meal??

Can this kid at least rap a Justin Bieber song? No. Pick the cracked-out, glitter whore named Ke$ha and sing about dancing with muh girliez. Yeahhh bee-bee! Like OMG soooo SEXIIII$%@&! And WTF is a B-Girl? Bet he dressed up as a pirate for Halloween. With a parrot.

Like, what do you mean "We R Who We R" - ultimate hooked-on-phonics FAIL. And a deeply philosophical introspective topic that needs to be saved for Deep Thoughts With Jack Handy or the next batch of special brownies. Who is setting the example of playing on the railroad tracks as a safe past time? Little dude needs a juice box and an action figure. At age 7 I was balling it up Chuck-E-Cheese's. And building forts out of cardboard boxes, with Indian Rug Burns as rite of passage. The Picaddilly kids know what I'm talking about.

Circa the 1:54:00 mark is when his jig just kills me. And I'm just waiting for him to blow snot bubbles. His arms and legs flailing all over, doing some sort of pee-pee dance. Oh wait. My mistake...that's J Bieb:

[photos courtesy 106.7 FM Elvis Duran morning show hook up]

Cube Chronicles Celebratory Countdown: Day 1

Calling all cubies! ...and non-cubies, and former cubies, and someday cubies...today commences the CUBE CHRONICLES CELEBRATORY COUNTDOWN! It was either start the countdown now, or start the holiday shopping.

The official blog birthday is on Saturday, November 6th. I'm all excited about the things I want to gift to myself for this profound milestone. [view my registry at Staples]

Also, (in the words of Hankin), CNN just sucks today because of all the election crap. The only juice I heard was on 106.7 FM during the morning drive about a lady calling in some franchise because the sub shop worker burnt her meatballs and wouldn't make her a new sandwich. Like she'd even know which 'wich is which.

Let's all welcome the new guy, Rob --> hereforth shall be dubbed "Berto". He hasn't done anything to merit this nickname. But I have been dyinnnnng to call some one Berto. Tall glass of water. All about delivery...I know he won't disappoint.

So from now until then we are all about business and all about cubes.

Don't you so want this job??

like holy shit where did the symphony orchestra come from? i got straight up chills down my spine. road rage and raw emotion from every denny the driver and terry the trucker cruising the interstates. talent. all through the eyes/windshield of the lonely cab. a youtube sensation.

dude. pretty sweet.

HAVE YOU SEEN THIS GIRL:

"its so funny though 

because I'm not.

smiling...

or dialing." 

- FaLaLa*

annnnnd she's staring at you in the reflection of that HP monitor.  damnitttt.  of course you know this girl.  she is you.  dialing furiously in the cube across from you.  mainlining some colombian roast.  and pounding through some leads.  ugh.  don't invite her to happy hour.

This week's a little bit of a flop

autographed Favre jersey

Remember how the VP has an autographed Favre jersey framed in his office? Pretty well hung I'd say. Does this mean we can expect big things to come? More like a little flop. j-fizz fist pump.

HookerJones said to me: "Yeah, one thing I don't miss is you slamming your phone at 8:30 in the morning."

First of all. Eff you Hooker. You miss my musk. And coffee tantrums. Secondly: Funny...it's 10:21am and I'm pretty certain that I rocked the receiver all the way up to the 9th. Ya feel me? (no, really. i threw it down real hard.)

Since most of us have been cubed up for a while, we don't have any political efficacy to be voting. Thank Mr. Paul Gabbey for that SAT word. Haven't updated my Twitter *tweet*tweet*, and the only reason I know it's Tuesday is because my horoscope is different.

oh. and i guess the World Series is over? huh. strange how when the Yankees don't play that NOBODY CARES.

these are my friends, fkn out of their tree...ca-caw!

I wanna be a tillionaire...so. freaking. bad.

...and all I really have to do is invent something and patent it.  ("see what i did there?? get over it. i am.")

BAM.  Instant dineros.  And an iPad.

Team brainstorm meeting at Legends.  STAT!

*post inspired by Jamieson's snark remark

Asian Guy from Hangover is killin it! Derrick Rose is okay too

Hahaha, what a slick rick.  I could care less about the kicks.  But super pumped for the new 30-second spots.