Of course I didn't really gain 80lbs - that's all a cover up for my true identity...

Look! It's a bird! Look! It's a plane! Look! It's a twenty-something...blogging by day, and saving the world by night! And her co-worker, Ne-yo!

...we're super...

feature photo. what up. now gimme some candies.

Halloween at The Office - freaky friday

MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I think our society's missing the whole Halloween point. Halloween is all about FEAR! Chil' please. The sugar and candy corn gone straight to your head. And thighs. Either way. Nothing's scarier than a dial tone.

Remember when you got to hoe it up/toe it up in college? Less is more. This one time I wore a bumble bee costume...but I digress.

Let's break down the dress up.

• First off, we have the "Character". People can really get into this, or they can cop out on this (by just wearing a cardigan and fake glasses, calling yourself a librarian *ahem*)...but we expected nothing but all out from the XtremeWeave as good ol' Antoine. He's climbing your cube walls, snatching your copies up! Minus the education and biceps, you can't even tell a difference.

Hide ya kids! Hide ya headset!

• Here is what's known as the "Play on Words" the stuff that'll really make you stop, think, laugh, repeat.

PR Bee "Creating a Buzz" and MissMarcy as a "One Nightstand"

• Some co-workers went with the "FULL MONTY"

KT woof woof - fetch that file

RON THE INTERN <3

• ...I decided to take Halloween the twenty-something route. Take this down: it's called "Halloween on a Budget". By budget I mean to say 80-bags-of-candy-corn-later-and-play-Biggest-Loser-contestant:

tell me this isn't the most miserable iPhone app ever??

ugh. thanks SMurf

Don't know how that Jabba the Hut thing is working out for my cholesterol.

[thank J-woww for the horror flick music vid - perfect choice]

Be happy that...

• YOU'RE NOT THIS GUY embarrassing reputable coffee drinkers everywhere.  outrage!

First Question Wrong On Millionaire - Watch more Funny Videos

• IF YOU CAN'T TRAVEL NOW, THEN YOU CAN WITH BODYWORLDS and become mummified...plastinized?

• YOU NOW KNOW WHAT TEXANS WOULD DO FOR $5...[fiverr.com] ...well that's just emb'rrassing! [thanks hanks]

• THE WORLD'S FASTEST SUPERCOMPUTER IS IN CHINA'S CARE so no matter what you do to try and contribute to America's economic turnaround, China's doing all the legwork.  sit back and hulu whatever primetimes you missed last night

• YOU GET TO WATCH THIS GUY GO GONE-ZO FROM FOUR LOKO...that hyper-caffeinated alcoholic beverage that the Fed is trying to ban (props to Nealon for video tip)

Run and tell that - i love this so hard.

Whattttttt.  Now there's an app to run and tell that???  Thank you Antoine for protecting me and now giving my mother another reason to harp on her Pedophile Wall.

I kid you not.  Walk into my parents' house.  Be greeted with six sex offenders staring down at you...

It's up to us all to run and tell that.  There's the new age apps or the stone age flyer on the locker (or cabinet) method.  Just make that shit viral.  Sometimes you're the dog, sometimes you're the hydrant...and then some days the hydrant opens up and sprays you back. (Words of wisdom from DanTheMan.  Please report to his cube for all tips on boy bands and dopplegangers.)  Who gon' tell dat?  DanTheMan.  All in a hard day's work.

Sucker. You been hooked.

Also...WTF is wrong with this examiner keeping a patient's brain??? Screws loose. 

"Tornado Watched Issued"

"Tornado Watched Issued for Upstate and Western NC"

...

a tornado watched issued?  WATCHED??  ISSUED??  ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh News7 who the helled issued your spelled checked.  mother effer.  i think my head just spun off into a different dimension.

Good vibes, keeping it fresh

Wanna know why Microsoft is on the down and out, because they don't keep it on the up and up. Figure, if you can't beat em...beat it. Take Apple and the iPod for example. Just crushing it with new technologies and models...now add in the OhMiBod [can somebody tell me how this stuff ends up in my newsfeed? "blog me" written all over it...and "beat it". here i am thinking "oh, that thing looks interesting. must be like a different type of iPod Shuffle, for runners cuz it looks gripped and fits into the palm of your-OHMYGOD!" it's definitely NOT an iPod Shuffle. but seemingly combines my two favorite things...music and bright colors obvi.].

Microsoft is becoming a dried up ol' biddy.

Most of you wouldn't even read my blog if it didn't have fresh sheeeet. C'mon. Without the vajazzling you definitely thought I was losing my groove. Case in point.

On that note (and several other 'notes' you probably want to be hitting instead of the hitting keyboard keys), keep it fresh today and feel the vibes of fresh new beats:



**cube beats are courtesy of colby

BRB while i go jump out the window.

FWD: joes standing at his desk for half the day everyday now bc he just read an article that said sitting all day at work can slowly kill you

What article is this and what can we do to make it go away? Wonder what they recommend to remedy 'slowly destroying one's soul'.

Sitting at work keeps me from jumping out the window (get that running start). My goodness. Management finds out about this and they'll remove all of our chairs. Stay healthy, no sitting - you know, for lower health insurance rates and so Hankin is on his dialing game.

Boy, sit yourself down!

*thanks hanks for the fwd/pic

personal opinion post.

tweeted by biz: "the new york times has more twitter followers than print subscribers"

And there you have it folks, a la Business Insider [article].  Have you ever heard before that 'ignorance is bliss'?  Because I think it's just a waste of time and money.  Except when it comes to hot dogs.  Nobody really wants to know what's inside those anyways.

Also, Sony announced the Walkman's retirement [CNN].

Final thought: some one named Hadam Hussein is now following me on Twitter.  You're welcome for keeping anonymity.  

And.  HAPPY BIRTHDAY HOOKERJONES!  Twenty-something stride or quarterlife crisis?

Now.  Watch Favre get nailed.  Hard.

See more funny videos and TBT Videos at Today's Big Thing.

"Don't Blog About My Meat"

Ya okay. Tell that to Favre and the naked PETA chica.

But when Nealon brings an entire t-bone steak in a giant Ziploc. Don't tell me I can't blog that.

What zoo do you get cuts like that from? Stealth aerial assault...the CE-yo! strikes again. Holla!

Update.

Good news guys. My mom informed me that Dad ordered two new Cutcos.

Phew. Glad that's over.

Moving on to the weekend recap (courtesy G-babe):

yeah - DanTheMan and i thought the drinks were watered down so we started pounding them

and then all the sudden....DanTheMan had a hooker in his car and i dont remember what anyone looks like lol

...so. Back to the grind.

I'm like ohhh Kimosabi. Yo body is my hobby.

is my day about to turn into an episode of Glee? wow i hope so...if all else fails, s-club, betty and i...we've got the perfect line up.

*wtf with this video.  suck on that PETA.  thanks j-levs all the way in aussie land.  miss ya mama

Your Friday Jam: Opposite of Adults

Chiddy Bang - Opposite of Adults (official music video click hurrrrr)

Calling out Colby on the fresh beats.

Naked Girls! just another day at the office

Just an FYI. In order to absolve my conscience for taking pictures of this naked chick sitting outside The Office (on the nasty dirty sidewalk), I wasted 3 minutes of my life, 1000 neurons talking to some hipster, and accepted a flyer and two animal abuse DVDs from this posse of crazies.

They are protesting the circus coming to The City or something. You know. Since the circus abuses animal. Don't they know that animals don't really have feelings and are here on this earth only to serve humans?? Yo! Just kidding...kinda.

Anyways

Here's how most guys reacted: OMG - DID YOU SEE THAT NAKED GIRL

Here's how most gals reacted: Doesn't she know it's like 40 degrees outside?? (except Jamieson, who commented "I grew up on a farm and eat red meat.")

Here's how I reacted: We've all seen the mounted police horses crap all over that section of sidewalk - and those gum blobs? Sweetie pie is walking away with a staph infection.

All I'm seeing here is fake blood and chains. How do I know you're not advertising for a Halloween Costume shop or sex fetish store? When I said, "Um, it's like really cold outside" - one of the crazies with her go-go gadget ears ran over to retort, "She knows that! She is a volunteer." Oh okay. I figured you were forcing her into bondage to entertain others (see what I did there??).

So she's letting it all hang out. While you ding-a-lings pass out pamphlets to people who don't actually care about your cause (again, the only reason I took your hand-outs was so I could get a pic for my blog). Remind me again how much you paid on those shiny, professionally done and fancily wrapped DVDs. NOBODY IS BITCHING ABOUT ALL THE TREES YOU KILLED TO STAMP DUMBO ON THE WRAPPER.

I swear. If they drive the circus out of town and I don't get to see any midgets...ohhhhh. I swear.

Put your titties away. And pack your shit.

"Higher mammal...can you read??" - haha, Madagascar.  Now that movie is the sheeeet.

when all else is blocked...Rock, Paper, Scissors

Is anyone else hitting panic??  When the firewall is on the fritz and getting moody, grab your cubemate for a time-waster throw back.  Especially if they didn't bring you Dunkin Donuts coffee yesterday, here's how you can 'beat anyone at rock paper scissors' (courtesy World RPS Society).

But if your cubemate has been fired (because he didn't bring you Dunkin Donuts coffee yesterday), don't let that stop your game.  Practice glove?  Man...there are too many 'do it yourself' analogies for this.

--> don't worry.  i found a video about it [RPS Practice Glove]


Everyone can thank lil man Nay for bringing back the retro past time - sup Nay!

courtesy?? of K-Swiss

Oh what up, blow-up-slide-epic-fail-because-it-looks-like-a-giant-male-reproductive-organ at a kid's party.

I can't even deal with this right now. Before you played the video, I'm confident you you knew exactly what was coming (ha. see what i did there?)

BeeJee made a lavish home cooked meal for us all back at the Gingerbread House (aka...our twenty-something apt). With AshCash and BeeJee, I gathered around the laptop for some post-dinner entertainment. Youtube...duh. K-swiss makes his debut with this video. Like, some things are funny. A lot of things aren't. This is really, really funny...in fact it's retarded funny.

HookerJones, you shouldn't have

Today HookerJones said to me, "Remember way back when?  Ohhh I used to get so excited about reading your blog."

Don't act like you're not freaking out at 8am every morning thinking "I can't WAITTT to see what the CE-Yo! has in store for today!!!"

Silly Hooker.  She thinks she's like a dictionary or something.

WTF!

I AM OFFICIALLY REVOKING THE "I HEART HANKIN" CAMPAIGN!

he went to Dunkin today and didn't bring me anything.

some cubemate.  psshh.

Cubes. This is My Life.

Cubes.

Buck up, twenty-somethings. Life doesn't have to be all quadrilaterals and angles. After the work honeymoon wears off, shit can wear you down. The daily grind. The coffee grounds. And as soon as the clock hits 5 you peace out. That's what happens to you circa Month 3, maybe 4, of employment. When you're like "okay I'm done with this now," because you're used to life changing every three months (think: semester, break, semester, summer, repeat). And then it sinks in...or crashes down on you like an email virus - this 40-hours-a-week thing just booked you solid for the next 40+ years. Ensues denial, acceptance, etc.

Mmmmkay? Great! Now that you've decided to pull yourself together, here's one of the best websites/blogs that I've found in a while: www.Under30CEO.com

I'm trying to expand my horizons because The Office has blocked EVERY possible outlet from YahooMail to CNN/Fox News! If you're on the outside, forward me some juicy details.

I digress.

Totally diggin this Under30 take on the 'next step' in the twenty-something stride. They're spinning business in terms of Lil Wayne, Lady Gaga, but with some hardcore-down-to-earth wisdom on making something of yourself. Right on! Some of you are ready for this. But you're always welcome to visit Cubicle Land, for old times' sake (aka...don't stop hitting up my site, I'm trying to make it in this world too!).

How hard do you not want to vote for this guy?

Ho-Lee-Cow. Crank your speakers and click on this guy's official link - he's running for governor. It just assaulted my eardrums.

He's endorsed by the American Mustache Institute (which is cool. but still, it's not vajazzle.)

McMillan, 64, said he’d received calls from the “Imus in the Morning” radio program and Oprah Winfrey’s radio show, among others, seeking interviews.

“If people had to vote tomorrow I would be the governor of the State of New York,” McMillan said. “I can’t wait to see what the polls look like.”

And asked if he backed gay marriage, McMillan quipped, “If you want to marry a shoe, I’ll marry you.” [Daily News]

He is seriously one ballsy brother. Bringing on all this noise (everyone can put away their political pitchforks now).

How hard do you not want to vote for him? Really hard. But I kind of really want to. It'll hurt so good.

This was how I started my Tuesday

My dad texted me this morning:

(dad): Call me when you can. I have a stupid question. We are missing a Cutco knife.

You don't say. Considering I moved out of my parents' house, ohhhh...four. months. ago.

It's funny watching your parents get old. Except my mom because she never ages. Ever. But seriously my dad's most awesome neurosis deals with lost objects (namely: silverware). Okay, I get it...Type A personality and borderline OCD. It kind of became a joke; we gifted an array of plastic spoons/forks/knives to him for Christmas. And the fam is always really really understanding of his treasure hunting. Until I found him rummaging through my underwear drawer one day last year.

He goes, "We are still missing the last spoon in the set."

Sorry. You thought the final Faberware spoon was the most likely object you'd find there??


No, I don't have the Cutco knife. And I wasn't hiding the spoon.

Time to stage an intervention.

Vajazzling.

Holy hottness. Some one sends you free vajazzle, you're not NOT going to try it out. Like. Where do I start?

With the directions and the official stamp of jazzle, of course:

Obviously we want to minimize the technical difficulties. C'mon, with my track record...?

You're thinking, "that's it??" Somewhat reminiscent of middle school dance glitter/glitz, cept it's for your hoo-ha. Think about the possibilities!

I'll try to lie, but I can't. I was really, REALLY excited. Not only do you get to be a walking chandelier* but then it's a matter of making it work with the appropriate undergarments, jewelry, outfit...ohhh snap. Then when it's all together, you're glamming in the mirror like "fnck yeah" shaking your shit like a stunner.

So, out on Friday night with Betty and S-Club. I'm sorry, they didn't even stand a chance. A "Strut my stuff and yes I flaunt it, goodies make the boys jump on" kind of thing in the truest way (holla drip dropz!).

All jazzed up, you just have this presence because of this **little secret** and like, you just want to show everyyyyybody. But at the same time, it's special. So who exactly is gonna be up to your standards?

G-spot? G-6? G-I-Don't-Care. I did it for purely educational reasons anyways ;)

Vajazzle? I am all for it - glam it up ladies.

nealon's getting ready to give the business about how long it took me to post this, how he probably doesn't believe me since there are no pics of the final product, and how i didn't put out. pump the brakes pal...what if i want to become president some day? i'm not trying to be celebrity tiger woods style.

ask scotty, matty, sink-o and juggs if you really wanna know.

*k-swiss, props for coining the chandelier

***SEE THE OFFICIAL SITE: VAJAZZLING.COM FOR ALL THE GOODS***

what i meant to say was

Sorry...were you all waiting to hear about vajazzle?

That'll be the post-lunch post.  Stay tuned.

And stay entertained:  The Thrill jib-jabbed The Office ladies.

Midgets in your morning cup

*betty got it boppin - thanks for the vid

How much do you hate your computer and the firewall right now. But midgets...I know, right?? You're thinking, "holy roller, I don't think it can get much better." Wait for your third refill (sorry, you don't drink 25oz. of coffee before 8am?) ... cuz it's about to:

Justin Bieber linked to alleged laser-tag assault

Reports say a 12-year-old was hurt at Planet Lazer Entertainment Centre in Richmond on Friday afternoon.

METRO VANCOUVER — RCMP are investigating an incident in which a 12-year-old boy was injured while playing laser tag in Richmond on Friday just before 5:30 p.m. Online reports have said that pop superstar Justin Bieber was also at the facility at the same time.

"The father of a 12-year-old boy reported to police that his son was assaulted by another boy at a Richmond entertainment facility," Cpl. Annie Linteau said in a press release Sunday [Vancouver Sun]

...Royal. Canadian. Mounted. Police. You could be out mounting your horse but, nope. Duty calls because of laser tag and Justin Bieber. Those guys must hate their lives so hard right now.

Diary of a Wimpy Kid will be written from his cell bunk. Jail bait.

**again, betty's en fuego. bieber tip and all the cred**

Some days you just feel like hiding.

"...and she just called her boyfriend for ten minutes bitching about how tiff hates her and this girl lied and said she was going to tifffs and 'ha they're liars' and' ugh what should i say to her' and 'does this sound good'...ugh. she is such a dumb ass"

IS IT 5 O'CLOCK YET.

RE: vajazzle

Hope you haven't forgotten or missed the memo.

But...it's Friday. You all know what that means!

VAJAZZLE!!!!! Stay tuned for the epic stories yet to come.

SPAIN HAS SIESTA COMPETITIONS??!!%#&@$#%??

People sleep a siesta on couches during the first Siesta Championship in Madrid, Spain, Thursday, Oct. 14, 2010. The participants of the siesta contest win points for the first person to fall asleep, the loudest snorer, best original sleeping position and best dressed sleeper. Doctors are present to check if the contestants are really asleep.

The contest was being run by the newly formed National Association of Friends of the Siesta and was sponsored by the Islazul shopping mall in Madrid's Carabanchel district. Each sleeper gets only one shot, and the top prize of euro1,000 ($1,400) goes to the person with the most points when the contest ends Oct. 23. [USA Today]

America, you're great and all but, I've met some one else...

America...I mean, U.S.A...can I call you U.S.A? Let me start off by saying that it's not you, it's me. We have had a lot of great times together. Having been founded on that whole 'life, liberty, pursuit of happiness' sha-bang, we've found plenty of commonalities.

I gave you some of the best years of my life - you really know how to treat a lady. I never traveled with anyone til I met you. Remember that cross country trip, when I got to be a part of you and all of your majesty? Mt. Rushmore fellas got it goin onnnnn.

You have your "no drinking til you're 21" thing. Like. It's great that you have standards. But we aren't getting any younger. You have your "work yourself to death" thing. Like. It's great that you have motivation, passion. But when we spent some time apart. That trip to Europe in 2007 broadened my horizons. Traveling to Chile was really...well, it was just really.


And you've always wanted me to do what's best for me. Be successful, capitalize on opportunity.


WELP. Those Spaniards drive a hard bargain. Siesta Competition?? I would dominate. Sign me up for effin citizenship. Sorry U.S...we're through. See you at Thanksgiving!

Here's to life! To liberty! and to siestas.

The "I Heart Hankin" Campaign.

This is my cubemate, Hankin.  I heart Hankin.

Look at that face - how can you not heart him?  Hankin and I play ball toss together.  And sometimes we even high-five!  He is so sweet.  Sometimes I can con him into taking phone duty (sucker.)  Other times, Hankin will lie to me and tell me that I've gone and blown up another contract (but he's a really, really bad liar.  sucker.)

How much do you want to be Hankin's cubemate?  Oh wait - you can't - cuz he's all mine.

And how much does FaLaLa* heart her cubemate, B-Dubs?  Oh wait - she doesn't - and that's why she has taken the liberty of switching his cube.  Not exactly on the list of "How to address an annoying coworker" ...but we'll make that amendment.  Remind me why "post-it note their desk" and "happy hour bar fights" aren't on there?

..."I HEART HANKIN"...

"They said they're not interested"

They're not interested?  In what, exactly, are they not interested?  Because I haven't actually told you anything.

Madame. You are a secretary with a 5th grade reading level.  You are not paid to think.  Now go make me 50 copies.

damnit steve jobs, you are such a buzz kill.

Today the US Patent and Trademark Office approved a patent Apple filed in 2008, which, get this, prevents users from sending or receiving “objectionable” text messages. The patent’s official title? “Text-based communication control for personal communication device” which actually doesn’t use the pretty ridiculous noun/verb “Sexting,” but come on, we all know what they mean. [TechCrunch]

Alright, G-babe. Put a sock in it. I know that the Stool already posted on the new Anti-Sexting phone features...and thank goodness.

And thank goodness I use Palm.

But it's my duty as a Googler and a blogger to make this shit viral. So all 13 readers, listen up.

Stool said it, kids are just gonna come up with code words. As if we don't use that already. You think we really play Monopoly on game night? Amateurs. Hot pockets, anyone?

Can Jobs get a clue. Like, yeah let's get all 'holier than thou' on the iPhone Apps but add a camera to the next generation model...AND THEN MAKE A COMMERCIAL HIGHLIGHTING THAT FEATURE. This day in age it's "give it to me now or don't give it to me at all"...see what I did there, cubies?



AWWWWW! Preciousssssss. The 'hey mom look what I made in class today' can turn into 'heyyyy mami. look what i got for ya.'

omg...watch this only if you want to gouge your eyes out with a pencil:

whatever, wednesday. just what.ever.

please allow ray william johnson to entertain you. today. i cannot.

too busy crafting my outfit for the upcoming vajazzle night - so i can really wow the fellas. thankfully, my girl S-Club knows fall fashion better than me. she's on the outside of cubicle land...as betty would say, "what's that like?"

but i don't know how much that'll matter with the chandelier/lite bright antics - but i gotta get my stunner on full force.

laf - we'll miss you. j-woww is "not happy about it. 1 less piece of eye candy in the office"

le sigh!

Lookin Like a Fool with Yo' Pants on the Ground

Sports sex scandals are my bread and butter. Legit.

Tiger Woods gets clubbed for his adventures in sexting - turns out he's some kind of addict and spits words as dirty as Oscar the Grouch (seriously ladies, am i right? cat's got no game.).

Which is whatever. At this point you figure most of 'em are lying, cheating dogs. And at this point you figure most of 'em would get a clue that the only ones who get away with it are the one who keep dey hoes happy. Unless you're the victim of Duke's new token tramp with the PowerPoint.

J-fizz & MaDeets get major props for the tip on Favre's lack of tip - Deadspin spills the beans on the dead fish that's flopping around in #4's jock strap.

It screams, "I CAN ONLY HOLD THIS POSITION FOR TEN SECONDS BEFORE IT FALLS!**" - jf Like, obviously she is going to blow up your spot.

Not for nothing. But I don't see any hockey players getting those headlines.



**see my post on The FWG - more food for thought**

"Customers also bought..."

On my morning peruse through the new hardcovers, Barnes and Noble hit it home.

Justin Bieber's memoir? "Customers who bought this also bought...Diary of a Wimpy Kid."

Simple stats. The facts don't lie.

Texas woman wins lottery fourth time and doesn't want fame.

Oct 12, 2010 – CORPUS CHRISTI, TX - Once, twice, three times a Texas lottery millionaire -- now it's four. All thanks to a Lottery e-book she purchased online.

Joan R. Ginther, a native of Bishop, Texas, made her fourth appearance Monday at lottery headquarters in Austin to collect seven figures, lottery officials said.

Ginther, 63, won $10 million, the top prize in Texas Lottery's $140,000,000 Extreme Payout scratch-off ticket she bought for $50, pushing her total wins to $20.4 million.

It was her third time to win on a ticket from a Bishop store, and second one at the Times Market there.

"This is a very lucky store," said Bob Solis, store manager. [PRLog]

I can't even win electronic Yahtzee. This lazy son-afa-beach has the sense to bank a bajillion lotto bucks, not once but FOUR TIMES. Who the hell does she think she is? They're saying she wants 'minimal publicity'...oh, sorry madame. sorry that you just won $10 million dollars and now don't want anybody to know about it. Perhaps because you're a lying, cheating skank and totally scamming Texas right now. Bitch is laughing in her trailer full of cats and Benjamin Franklins watching Maury and eating KFC. I'm no high school mathlete but, I'm pretty sure that your odds of winning the lotto four times is 1 in Go Eff Yourself Backwards on the Moon. Everyone reading this is going to grind it out every day, make a pathetic fraction of this woman's next lotto check, and never even get your name in the church bulletin much less national news coverage.

I hate Joan Ginther so hard right now.

Cubies jump ship. Way to go.

 For those new to Cubicle Land.  Welcome to never, EVER AGAIN! getting  to kick around in your pajamas and do jack shit for hours on a government holiday...never ever again.

Glad that Jamieson, Corkey and I rushed to The Office this morning only to have Lil E, J-woww, Colby, and Hanks jump ship. I tell you, this great country would not have even established its roots if good ol' Chris Columbus had decided to throw in the towel halfway across the pond.  Don't even get me started on Noah and his arc full of twos.  Hell no.  Christopher Columbus is wagging his 15th Century finger at all of you for leaving your crew out to dry.  Weak effing sauce.

Playing Cards

How does one craft a commercial about a prestigious urology clinic, thinking, "you know what is going to make this tv spot on health care professional absolutely stand out?? POKER!"

And thennnn how does my Sunday afternoon hockey viewing get interrupted by that commercial? Of four friendly seniors laughing about the cards they've been dealt. Yes. Nothing like a friendly hand of Texas Hold 'Em that makes me say, "Please. Put my renals in your care." Awkward.

Other things that don't add up: walk into a bar with the girls. get approached by an irish lad. have him say "my name is Ron, it's a pleasure to meet you, i'm from blahblahblah Ireland." have me say "my name is CE-yo! and i'm from The City." to which he responds "that's nice. i want to do terrible things to you."

Pardon?

WAKE UP! With cherries on your hammies

Little Miss Muffet is sending a clear message.  Until she hits her 40s when the dimples in her legs blur the tat lines.  You know what I wore to this high school football game?  Jeans and my kid-brother's practice jersey.

All that comes to mind is, "I have a 10 year plan!!"

4:23pm Final Countdown on Friday Afternoon

You Gotta Recognize.

I've seen the other side...Last night I babysat for three chilluns - a 5 year old, and almost-3 year old twins. As Betty would say - "SO. STINKIN'. CUTE." Duck-duck-goose and rock/paper/scissors and snack time. FYI - a thousand times more fulfilling than smiling and dialing. Hands down.

And so I really wanted a chillun of my own until I remembered back to my college days. When I had a Beta fish. And how I got bored with it and flushed it down the toilet.

AND THEN MY ROOMMATE BeeJee TOLD ME THAT MY VAJAZZLE ARRIVED!!!!!!!!!!!!!

yes.

Haha, this video kills me everyyyy time - plus new GTA!!!!

Hot damn!  It's Friday!  My Vajazzle samples are en route (track my package!).  And boy, oh boy we a solid GTA...clench?  notch?  Hands in pockets to reveal the goods.  What a tease.

Whoa, whoa ladies.  Put that cup of coffee down.

Don't get so used to the dress pants and pressed khakis that you no longer appreciate a good fitted denim when you see the guys downtown.  Booty poppin', knee droppin' - an absolutely spankin' TTA (tap that ass).Ohhhh TTA...too much too soon?

Outsourcing the goods

Caitlin Sanchez, 14, who voiced Dora on Nickelodeon's Dora the Explorer beginning in 2007, and her parents are suing the network, claiming they were pressured into signing a complicated contract and then cheated out of millions of dollars, reports New York's Daily News.

"Unfortunately, Caitlin's voice changed and she was no longer able to portray the Dora character, as happened with the actress who originated the role," Bittler said in a statement Thursday. [People.com]

Sorry Sanchez, what exactly did you expect? Nickelodeon's tanked since Keenan & Kel was taken off the air (whoooo loves orange soda??). I know what you're all thinking about Miss Sanchez and Keenan & Kel. Please put your politically correct pitchforks down and take a solid Blue's Clue - their so-called 'talent' can be outsourced for a lot cheaper.

At age 14, you should start practicing other oral skills anyways. Like spitting watermelon seeds.

I'm not talking to you.

'JACKIE THINKS THAT SHE'S A DICTIONARY AND THAT THE WHOLE WORLD REVOLVES AROUND HER!'...that's a globe! Thanks FaLaLa* hahahahaha

Deep Thoughts: Shattuck Speaks again

SEX!!!

Great. Now that I have your attention...

Sometimes your morning starts out with an unexpected and incredibly deep intellectual conversation. Don't get confused by my word choice above.

So this was one of those mornings.

Gym Dude runs through the door asking for paper and pen (uh, sir? have a free weight instead!)

Obviously - J-fizz and Ma-Deets and I are like "okay Gym Dude, what's the sitch?" And so unfolds Gym Dude's senior thesis-slash-Nobel-Peace-Prize-Award idea...He prefaced with: "CE-yo!, you are not yet at that age, but when your friends start getting divorced and start having affairs..."

Yowza.

And then the conversation got really tangled in a battle of the sexes type way...so we won't got there. But you're right. We cubies are not at that age. Where careers, children and Real Life get in the way of the slam-dance and a little romance (ah, to be a twenty-something). So whether it's the idea that 'man must procreate!' or 'women become martyrs' or whatever, it all comes down to VALUE.

If you don't have values or if you don't know what it is you value, then that's gonna present a problem from the get-go (and 'get-go' is definitely the age we are at).

But what pisses me off about this stupid society is how repressed everyone is. Democrat, Republicans, Tea Party Poopers. Seriously. Some of us are cubing away, every day. We are only worth 17cents an hour...Go ahead and preach 'life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness'. Tailor those amendments, bills, and laws to the Bible and the Commandments It's all about the American Dream with that big house, white picket fence, kids playing in the yard - all uptight and putting on a face. But is there anything there that says "thou shall not covet a piece of ass"? I'm going to go out on an extremely capitalistic limb here: Democrats want to share the wealth...the GOP wants the wealth. Ergo. Legalize prostitution. Everybody wins!

ps...UFOs OVER CHINA!!! get those commies.

dear ______, i hate you so hard right now.

Dear Kendra from Girls Next Door, your laugh is going to plague me for years. I hate you so hard right now.

Dear Cigar Guy in the background of Tiger's tough guy ball toss moment, you are dressed like an Islamic trannie and stole any good Tiger press. I hate you so hard right now.

SAO PAULO — The private college that expelled a student who wore a short, pink dress to class has been ordered to pay her more than US$20,000 in compensation, a court announced Wednesday.

Judge Rodrigo Gorga Campos ordered Bandeirante University in Sao Bernardo do Campo to pay Geisy Arruda 40,000 reals ($23,800) in damages. His ruling was posted on the court's website.

In expelling the tourism student late last year, the university said she disrespected "ethical principles, academic dignity and morality" by wearing provocative and "inadequate clothing."

[USA Today]

Dear Brazil Chica who scored madddd coin from her college for expelling her on charges of "too short" mini skirt...you got paid for dressing like a whore. I hate you so so hard right now. (but I'm getting free Vajazzle. suck on that.)

Stay Classy

welp.  stay classy - a la colby.

That's nice.

Calling all soccer moms!  Rev7 gum doesn't stick to sidewalks or carpets!!!  That's nice.  Does the 7 indicate that even though it won't stick to shit, the gum still takes 7 years to digest?

Like, okay sometimes you have a late night out and meet some one and don't want to stank like alcohol so you chomp down on some gum.  And then pass out with some gum in your mouth.  And if some gum falls out of your mouth then FINE.  I get it.  Obviously nobody wants that awkward situation on top of the already-awkward situation.

Newsflash: I don't give a flying nunchuck what my gum sticks to because I'm not 5 years old and putting it in my hair or on my car seat.

Vajazzle: UPDATE

as of 7:17pm EST last night...IT'S IN THE MAIL!

yessssss.

FEEDBACK REQUESTED!

Please. Just this once. I promise I will NEVER ask for anything EVER again...well, maybe.

Refer to previous post: "Let's Vajazzle!!"

Okay. Now that your memory has been refreshed, let's bring everyone up to speed. This morning I opened my Yahoo! account to find an email titled 'Vajazzle blog post'. Immediately I freaked out about liability and had flashbacks to Business Law lesson plans on Internet lawsuits. The email read:

Hi CE-yo!,

Thanks for writing about us on your blog post.

We'd like to send you a free sample to try out if you're interested in writing a followup blog post.

Thanks,
Vajazzle.com Higher-Ups

Trick question???

Naturally - I immediately phoned J-fizz. Because this is tooooooo good.

What'll it be cubies? Vajazzle feature - complete with photos, commentary, and perhaps video??

CHECK YES OR NO.

it's not sunday without football. and chili.

 The above photo just speaks to me on a number of different levels.  One of them being,

Two Octobers ago, Trent Edwards was considered the long-awaited heir apparent to Jim Kelly. He was the quarterback who was going to lead the woebegone Bills back to prominence.

That never happened, not even close, and some would say Edwards helped drive the Bills further into irrelevance.

His disappointing three-plus-year tenure in Buffalo came to an end Monday when he was released, joining a growing list of forgettable QBs who failed to take the reins the way Hall-of-Famer Kelly once did. [Democrat & Chronicle]

The other level runs along the line that the Jets' tubby tackler is about to really give it to him.  Hard.

Now, don't go calling me a Bills fan.  Born and bred a Giants fan (go G-men!) - but as a Western New Yorker, I do feel some loyalty to the upstate teams.  Usually has to do with the ice storm of '93.

So this weekend the fam fell into place for our football routine...aka I fell as close to the HD screen as I could in order to get the best view of Mark Sanchez.  My dad, being the sports guru that he is, didn't even notice the family rat-dog was eating the rest of his chili.  He was just ecstatic at the idea that today's Bills game may not look so much like sodomy.  Raving that the Bills may/may not be the reason that Buffalo should be absorbed by Canada.  And that this has all been the 'Rob Johnson Curse'.  ((I know what you're thinking...Matchbox 20??  No, that's definitely Rob Thomas.  Real Smooth guys....)) 

I digress.  So!  The Old Lion informs El Prez:  Johnson got the pick over Flutie in '01 for QB1 after both had solid '00 season.  Then Johnson broke his collar bone - weak sauce - and the Bills have blown ass ever since.  Which goes to show you that you DON'T EVER MESS WITH THE MAN ON THE CEREAL BOX.

The Bengals should be hard pressed to let any of this 'sex line' press get in their way.  Remember: those women are single mothers too - think of the children!

^The Lion Himself^

i love cereal.

friday funk for fall.

omg...OMG IT'S FRIDAY. THERE IS SO MUCH GOING ON. OLEGG'S NEW FALL BEATS (betty holla) SOMEBODY SPILLED MY COFFEE (*ahem* p'diddle...) SOMEBODY ELSE TOLD ME THAT I SHOULD CHANGE MY BLOG NAME AND NO LONGER REFER TO MYSELF AS EL PREZ (g-babe) WENT TO JAVA'S AND HAD THE BESTTTT WARMED TURKEY SANDWICH EVER FOR LUNCH (NOW I'M RUINED...) TY-TY HAS LEFT THE BUILDING (literally) THE HAIKU CONTEST WAS GREAT (not.) BUT JAMIESON GOT EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH (rock ittt).

Heads up: My lovely roommate A$HCA$H is visiting Tennessee for a little weekend getaway (vacation...what's that like)? She stepping up her single lady game for them rednecks. How bout this tail feather.

Speaking of life outside the cubes. The venture to Java's was highly successful. The natural lighting comes as a bit of a shock but the pumpkin spice coffee and cafe sammies eased us into real human interaction. Additional confidence built by casual wear because it's CASUAL FRIDAY. More like "be sure you are still presentable and professional" Friday. Which means no napping. But it's been brought to my attention that, in the world of EDU (pencil shavings. lunch money. book bags. justin bieber), they have casual Friday EVERY Friday. That must be nice. I like dedicating days...like National Coffee Day (Sept. 29 holla), and Ass Wednesdays (because it's good to know you're getting ass every wednesday - wtf). (((((complete parenthetic abuse today. deal with it)))))

Fellow twenty-something from my morning workout crew Candy Cane (makes her sound just like the girl next door. if i lived next to a brothel)...she is on the waning end of the twenty-something decade...is finding gray hairs. Gray effing hair...HELL NO. I get called MA'AM everywhere I go now...Dunkin Drive Thru, gas station, even at church...give me credit for not being a dried up hag and at least call me MISS.

I digress.

Somehow, despite the grays, Candy Cane blends into the high school crowd in the EDU World of her west side district. And last week when she told the students to go down the other stairs for trafficking purposes, and the 6th grade hot-trotting miss 'thang' told her NO, BITCH. To the point where Candy had to show Miss Thang her faculty pass and demand a little more respect.


What...no dropping students these days?

Fnck it. It's Friday.

[Betty bringin' it with more fresh beats - Kid Cudi's Maui Wowie vid featured above]

"A high-surf advisory was issued for the Jersey Shore"

Text received last night: "f*ck tropical storm nicole...yep, you pretty much shit on the whole east coast...and ruined my afternoon"

Snooki's not the only one who can tear it up on the East Coast. Like, you gotta hand it to me! But since some Jamaicans did in fact die from Tropical Storm Nicole, it really doesn't feel right to go any further with this...

Moving on to Betty's boppin' contribution:



Tell me you remember JT's sweet N'Sync curls, and then throwing some slang in that Cup O' Soup costume. Right???

How did he get so freaking fly.

OOOchocino Toasted O-face

The phone number is supposed to connect callers to Feed the Children, which benefits from sales of "Ochocinco's"...Because of a wrong toll-free prefix for a number listed on Ochocinco's cereal, callers are directed to a phone sex line instead of a children's charity. - [ESPN.com]

HAHAHAHAHA.  C'mon guys.  Those are single working mothers.  Think of the children!

[good job Jamieson on the find]