Throwback

There was a voicemail waiting for me when I got to my cube. So delighted, thinking it was a client, I played the message. Nope. It was my drunk ass college roommate. She just finished her first year of med school, living comfortably in that bubble of exams, alcohol, and debauchery. Bitch used to lay out the trash cans for my Wednesday waste cases. My how the tables have turned. Of course I played it on speakerphone. And cursed life as I settled in my sequined shirt for a fabulous Friday making small talk with uninteresting bean counters and automated machines.

Sometimes I wonder...

Last night I was talking to a non-cubicle friend, Andrew, who is building spy planes for the US Department of Defense/Homeland Security. He's 20.
His words, "yeah, not a lot of people can do what I do..."

My response..."Oh. Well I blog."

(Ha. What have YOU accomplished today?)

Rest assured that while most of us drank away our higher education and sit safely behind a computer screen, Andrew is saving America.

Life can't be all about contacts and contracts. There is so much more out there. A world beyond Cubicle Land - untapped, untamed. There are consumers who have money to spend! Why can't I just sell coffee?? Moon Shoes??? People would actually be coming TO me for my wonderful product line! Throwing their monies in the register! How about bringing some joy into a child's life?

It feels like this so-called 'world' is really the 90s. And we missed it. We twenty-somethings are fighting our way into the...Google dominated, Puerto Rican statehood seeking, Moon Shoe-LESS...world.

Time for a teenie bopper throwback. And because it is cruise season, summer time girls got it goin' on. Shake and boogie to a beep-bop song...

Associate Spotlight: Nick Crook

Today, some dentist was irritated with Nick's audacity to call said dentist on behalf of said dentist's association...."Nick Crook. Ha, well, isn't that a nice name for a telemarketer." Oh doc, you are so clever. Wait til you have the pleasure of meeting our very own Kyle Hiscock. Pleasure indeed.


Back to Nick Crook. Known as Nick. Actually. And he's the soft-spoken, 'Sir, Sir'-ing, young gentleman in the cube by the Atrium window. Corkey has Nick all to himself. Ladies, please thank Nick for removing any additional carbohydrates from The Office. After all. It is cruise season.

P.I.M.P.

So yesterday my mom had her cell phone in hand and asked, "Do you know what P-I-M-P stands for???" She was absolutely tickled with delight.

Naturally, I'm thinking: Duh, pimps is people too. Wrong. PIMP, in short-hand text, actually stands for 'peeing in my pants'. Can be grouped with "lol" and "LMAO" and "rotfl", but a lot weirder. Who is contaminating the masterfully-crafted verbage of texting technology with crap like 'peeing in my pants'?

For some one who takes things very literally, and learns visually, my mind goes a step further and I actually picture my friends "rolling on the floor laughing"... so come to find that Mom is PIMP, you can imagine that I become uncomfortable and terribly judgmental.

Seriously, with the way that behavior is changing - I'm sure you yourself are communicating much differently than the way you were even 2 years ago, right Miz? That's right, go screw. And go dial. Apparently I've been called out and need to put 'something good' up. So as I struggle to even produce a single telephone call, let me answer the call to blog.

Nothing irritates me more than the ladies on the 2nd floor hopping on the elevator to get to the 3rd. Do they not see everything that the First Lady is doing to end childhood obesity in America? It's an epidemic. Furthermore: it's cruise season.

And although I'm lining up the voodoo dolls of cubies who get to go, the warm weather has put me in a giving mood. Plus it's got me thinking about my spring wardrobe vs. my winter body...in-cube exercises include Chair Squats and Coffee Cup Curls:



For more tips please refer to health expert, Yudi Kerbel (there's some legit stuff there. Apparently young Yudi empathizes with our situation because he spends "half his day stuck in an office in front of a computer, and the other half in the gym training people"...that's genuine. That's also lacking complete credibility. Surely Yudi's never had to do the talking-tango with any Rhondas or Peggys. And he's probably allotted more than three sick days per year, has never had 4 of J.Cosco's 'important' voicemails dropped on his extension within a half hour, or been assaulted by the bus stop gang on your way to The Office. Sure he understands the stresses of cubicle life. Yudi's like our very own Yoda.)

At any rate, I'm totally "PIMP" right now - blowing up two Associations in one day. Should that be considered a record or grounds for termination?

PANIC BUTTON!!!!!!!!!!!!!

cute overload

Definitely just threw up in my mouth. Not only would my college pal, Spader, burst into tears at this website, but J-woww is legit going to lose her shit.

GAG.

Calling the Bluff.

Today we learn about the real objection. Basically, when some one asks you a question, you may have to do some digging. Like when your manager says "Do you have plans tonight?", they really mean "Cancel your plans for tonight and stay late." Or if a miserable Office Manager tells you "Oh, the doctor will call you back," she really means, "Don't hold your breath, jackass."

Recognizing the real objection is also very relevant to every day life. For example, a twenty-something's, "Want to watch a movie?" is actually, "Get over here. I told my roommate to sleep somewhere else tonight."

In terms of homeland security, we can all sleep soundly thanks to CNN for their shout out on How To Spot An Illegal Immigrant. Please watch the following clip, pass on the tips to promote segregation and racial profiling. Keep your eye on Arizona's police chief, there's something fishy about that character:

So while we're spotting fakes...

Heidi Montag finally broke the news to her parents on "The Hills" season finale about her 10 plastic surgery procedures. Surely they were completely clueless.

Don't forget...

Jake Pevelka...the latest 'Bachelor'...who cried when he was voted off DWTS. Cried. After being booted from a dancing show. GOOD GOD MAN. You have no business being a dude, turn in your pilot's wings and grab your red high heels. See you for apple-tinis at happy hour.

And finally...

This packaging is just a cover for the kilo of cocaine you get for sending in three proofs of purchase (shipping not included).

Don't be duped. Stay on your A-game.

Corporate Crunch

ATTENTION!!!

There has been a disconnect in proper nutrition and our fiber intake.

Hanks has deduced and done some efficient number crunching: we all need to eat 189 carrots each day to hit our daily fiber goal.

A Trip Down Memory Lane...

Around this time last year, I was diligently procrastinating for my finals. Despite my seemingly "put-togetherness", I'm a terrible student. Mainly because there's no point in paying some one to tell me what Google will give me for free. Also because I drink a LOT of coffee.

This life philosophy has really done wonders for me. One afternoon, post 8-hr cram session at the library, I started my walk back to the apartment. It was a mild spring afternoon but when the campus short-bus pulled up to its library stop, I jumped aboard in my typical 'second semester senior' fashion to avoid the crippling 4-minute walk.

Aboard the short-bus, reflecting on the past four years...semesters gone, shenanigans galore...so caught up in nostalgia, I completely missed my stop.

I could have stood up at any point...in a small college town, the longest walk to anywhere wasn't more than 10 minutes. But no. Stricken by fear, I rode the short bus for a solid hour and ended up at Wal-Mart. Stranded, I sat on the bench outside the supercenter and waited for my roommate to pick me up. Not the first time she had to come to my rescue either.

But Snooki's latest bar brawl has me beaming with pride over my bar fight senior year. This past Saturday, Snooki decided to bear her claws and slap a man, started a food fight and threw her drink on him. As for me, some fraternity moron poured his Jack/Coke on me. Probably didn't expect I could throw a right hook...but basically, I won and fraternity moron was thrown out. Why do dudes gotta be hating on chicks like me and Snooki?

And as the day comes full circle, the hold music for an attorney's office was Shaggy's "Angel". Nothing says "let me represent you in court" like a rap-tastic love ballad. It's a classic. So for the good ol' days, and my shawty Snooki...

The Office: Weekend Warriors

Let's not kid ourselves. We are working for the weekend (was 40 hours of being tethered to your Polycom phone really what you had in mind for post-grad plans?). Allow me to be your tour guide:

This Friday, why not start off with 5 or so martinis with J-Woww and Hanks at Lola's? Expect to be thrown out of each subsequent bar you visit.

Or perhaps kick off the weekend by taking a trip with Colby to a local college like Cortland or Geneseo for their alumni weekend (even though neither of you graduated from there, but at least you fit in with the 40-something frat boys reliving their good ol' days and scamming on freshmen).

Feel free to hop on the party limo with me and get your buzz going at a blinding 10am on Saturday morning. Happy wine-tasting for the 6 obliterating hours that follow...not to mention the added 100 beers and 8 bottles of champagne. And please don't forget to text Evan about which publication of the New American Bible you own...cause I sure didn't forget!

Otherwise, Nealon's house will be open to wanderers. Why not finish the 5-winery-round-about with some flip cup, beer pong, fence flailing (Tempio...), half-piping - the sucker punches are complimentary with the jungle juice fruit punch found in the red cooler.

Pauly C will cap off whatever dignity remains with a Bloody Mary on Sunday afternoon.

Monday morning, you sure look fine!

Future Fortunes

Congrats cube cronies. The future is bright! Your cube is just the incubator for your career path as a Corporate Executive...only ranked as the #2 most stressful job in America.

It's Right up there next to firefighter (you know, where people run into burning buildings on a regular basis).

It could be worse. You could be a suicide bomber...
...or a taxi driver (#3 most stressful job). At least Corporate Executives can look forward to free coffee and call forwarding.

Honestly though, if I can't win the lotto then I plan on making my million by collecting cans and bottles. Just like the Swede, Curt Degeman:Nothing screams success like a 'humble lifestyle' of begging my crazy-ass way through the streets of Sweden, filling up that shopping cart with plastic and glass refundables. But hey at least you get applauded for going GREEN.

friday. not quite sure.

Why I am moving to Middle America... it's animal free:

Why I'm hoping that Corkey will trade in his hockey skates for office calisthenics:

[...is NYTimes serious with this?]


Why Corkey already has that creepy 'model-dude' stare...
[thank his bff college professor]:

The Next Step

sweet twenty-something success.

first apartment...signing the lease on monday.

ah, the next step. my cube of influence continues to grow.

notch!!



**thanks colby for the heads-up on the new friday jam sesh...gangsta luv g-mix - snoop dog (feat. mayer hawthorne)

also...EEK is the roommate. expect random tidbits of apartment living mayhem from this point forth.

yup.

Today I had the pleasure of speaking with Rhonda (the blonde bombshell), and Ruby (miss big red). Yup. It was that kind of day.

They asked me to pony express some literature for them. Why certainly, since I work for an internet marketing company and snail mail/billboards are a thorn in my side - I'll go ahead and send you an effing laptop too so you can get with the 21st Century.

You sorry set of neanderthals. Caves are out, cubicles are totally in.

Mother Earth - Who's Your Daddy?

Okay. First thing: I was stuck in the usual morning traffic. And scurrying through the crosswalk was a woman, circa age 45...wearing a nice pant suit, a sharp trench coat, and schlepping a fucking Jansport on her back. Seriously??? If you look like a geeky high school freshman, carrying your entire locker in your backpack, people are not going to take you seriously. We are going to know that you aren't getting any. And we are going to laugh at you and walk all over you. Go back to band camp.

I mean, just shove everything in your purse or even one of those obnoxious eco-friendly grocery bags. **hint: Weaver, time to upgrade to a man-purse or at least a gym bag**

I had to literally lock the windows to keep myself from berating this woman. Not for nothing, but after all the concessions we make when dealing with atrocities like HR's dress code restrictions, missing staplers, and Crook's random presentation outbursts ("Sir! Sir! Sir! MEDIA LINE!!!"), we can't have old bats like that giving us cubicle ladies a bad rap. We are already being blamed for the apocalypse and all of the recent earthquaking, volcano booming. Forget about tectonic activities, global warming and ozone layers:

"Many women who do not dress modestly ... lead young men astray, corrupt their chastity and spread adultery in society, which (consequently) increases earthquakes"
[Quoted from Iranian cleric after the quake hit Tehran]

No. I'm pretty sure that Mother Earth is ripped about the screw ups like Tiger Woods, Tiki Barber, Jessie James, etc...for cheating on their hot, model wives. And those Iranians get like what, 5 women to marry? But go ahead and blame the innocent twenty-something chicas for just having a little fun. Telling us to cover up is just gonna make you all want it more.

Hanks is having trouble handling the news, she's getting mixed messages from 90-yr-old men telling her, "Women are just so dumb!" I figure my alignment with men in uniform keeps me under the radar. But pretty sure that J-woww may have single-handedly caused the recent Iranian quake...seriously, I'm afraid if I tell her to 'fuck a 5' she'll literally start searching for a 5-yr-old. Hanks and J-woww need to stop plotting to corrupt the Quads before the sky over The Office just opens up and smotes us.

Whatever. Mother Earth's got our back...and God has it set for your spouse to be your perfect 'fit'. Nothing wrong with having some fun finding the right match.

Happy Earth Day.

A Lesson in Marketing

"Thank heaven for 7-Eleven -- suds? The nation's third-largest beer retailer is getting its own brand of brew. Game Day beer is rolling out this month.

The convenience store [7-Eleven] chain is billing its private label brand as a premium brew at a budget price. 7-Eleven's Dan Skinner says Game Day has done well in taste tests against premium brands. It will sell for about $7 for a 12-pack." - via www.whec.com

If any 7-Eleven cashier had a brain, they would snag a beer for themselves and promote a "$7 for an 11-pack" deal.

This brings me back to my time abroad in Santiago, Chile [South America]...

There was Nuts5Nuts. Now, Nuts4Nuts is a roasted nut stand found across the North and South Americas. One assumes that any person who is "nuts for nuts" would snack there. The City of Santiago had one on every corner.

This absolutely thrilled the three Texas chicas that I studied with. Let's refer to them as the PowerPuffs (a little more tactful than "hulking airheads"). The PowerPuffs obsessed over three things: Nuts4Nuts, our Chilean supervisor named Carlos, and George W. Bush. Why Nuts4Nuts? Because there is, in fact, a Nuts4Nuts stand on the grounds of Texas State University. They hailed it, bursting with pride like George W. Bush himself had opened that very nut cart.

Every day after Spanish class, the PowerPuffs left promptly to find their next Chilean Nuts4Nuts...until they discovered Nuts5Nuts. Mayhem. They squealed and shrieked in "hola y'all" Spanish about their latest trip to Nuts5Nuts. This floors me. It's not even like the Nuts5Nuts nut is superior to Nuts4Nuts nut - it's the same exact nut, same type of roast - just slightly more expensive.

Now, 7-Eleven (originally called Tote'em) was initially re-named to reflect its hours of operation. One assumes that it would be open from 7am til 11pm. There are all of these exciting campaigns that they launch like the free 7.11oz Slurpee on July 11th of every year. Therefore there is no point in calling it anything except 7-Eleven.

But maybe I'll move to Chile one day...and open a 7-Twelve.

And with the advent of Game Day beer, I'll barely hit profit margins with my $7 per 12-pack campaign, but at least I'll stay true to my branding.

Cubicle Land has seen the last of me. I've found my calling.

F.O.C.U.S.

Here it is. In print. Relative to twenty-something standards

F - ....

O - oh shit what happened last night.

C - can I do this later?

U - unless it can be Googled, I don't care.

S - semi-functional adult


*this post was written while I held for an office manager.....

Miz's Photo Montage

Meet Miz

Meet photo of random dude that
appears when you Google "Corey LaRoche"

This is just too easy...

Tears for Taylor

Taylor Swift didn't win a single award at the Academy of Country Music Awards yesterday.

Ha.

Although a fellow twenty-something, I'll be brutally honest here, Taylor had it coming. If you keep popping out ballads about teenage heartache it's gonnaaaa getttt oldddd. I haven't been able to relate to her songs since I was drawing hearts on my 6th grade science binder. Your teenage following wants the juicy stuff that Justin Bieber is spitting out with Ludacris. Quit pining for these pathetic losers, Tay, and rip some girl's pony tail out for stealing your man.

Sure it's refreshing that she is actually talented and not giving us a bad rap like Lindsey Lohan (where the heck has that crackwhore been anyways), but the girl needs a Big Mac and hickey. Seriously, will someone hook her up to a keg? Wait til she's felt the wrath of a one-night-stand that doesn't call her the next day. Listen to Lady Antebellum's "Need You Now"...now, that's the real stuff. Because life is not a fairy tale, it's getting back from the bar and realizing that your single, twenty-something apartment is lonely and in that moment of weakness you CAVE.

Tay-tay better saddle up for her quarter-life crisis and start appealing to her people - the twenty-somethings. Otherwise we're gonna start downloading Hannah Montana.

HOLD UP! Just found this:

MTV Shows

Okay, I stand corrected. There is hope for Taylor after all. Enough with that scrawny werewolf kid - Holy Shit she shoulda been ON THAT. Her publicist deserves a bonus and an electric scooter.

Deep Thoughts: Shattuck Speaks

It just happened...my 'ah-ha' moment. Well it happened this weekend when I was cruising thru the ADKs. It is very serene there. Also, there is zero effing cell service.

Did I just graduate from struggling twenty-something bootcamp? Ladies and gentleman say hello to a fresh THRIVING twenty-something. Golly it's great!

Appropriately we newbies are almost 12 whole months out of college. Was the cube just a little cocoon, an incubator where we've been able to test our skills?

The Boss Man has preached endlessly to us at the Monday Morning Meetings about the ridiculous opportunity available to our young, blinded eyes and how we need to have a chip on our shoulder to really get ahead. More often than not we have a chip on our shoulder but it's
just as mis-guided as we are. Cause I see the opportunity for sure but my "chip" is wondering why the EFF am I dialing through a list for over 40hours each week. Telling us it is the hardest job in the company doesn't make me think "gimme that phone so I can smile and dial!" ; it makes me wonder why it's not reflected in my paycheck. And living at my parent's house doesn't make me think "holla for getting to save some dolla!"; it makes me cry every time I'm have to call and 'check in' with Mom to get permission to stay out later (there's nothing like having to be re-housebroken).

But everything starts to make sense. And you begin to realize your abilities are what opens up that opportunity. And actually taking responsibility of that should get you a diploma in itself...our whole lives (in school, sports, etc) opportunity and success were handed out like those participation trophies you got for playing rec soccer. This is a whole new level of play.

Thank goodness my mom doesn't read my blog (God forbid she actually admit I have something of value to say), because living at home has been an integral part of my twenty-something progression. It's been a good, I appreciate having a supportive family - even though I wish they
could support me from beyond a 5mile radius. And I do actually enjoy living at home (is this the apocalypse?)

The inner-workings of my mind are entirely profound. But not enough to keep me from crashing a sorority formal this weekend at the Hilton when I was in VT (in all fairness, my friend and I thought it was the frat formal. the sisters didn't even know how to deal - one of their heads started spinning around like a Chuckie doll).

The Real World is ready to move on to the upcoming grads now that it's had some fun hazing us...suckers.

Behold...

what a pleasant little friday surprise (compliments j-fizz)! it's the simple things like the shake weight that make my cube-residing life worth living.

**thanks to my boy colby for the new friday jam

The Shake Weight

When I announced that I'd be blogging on the Shake Weight today, it was brought to my attention that this was 'old news'. And in order to give readers what they want, stay current, I polled Cubicle Land to see what everyone wanted to hear.

I quickly learned that I don't really care what everyone wants read about, so Shake Weight it is!!

You know when you see something bizarre that you just cannot keep to yourself...when you just HAVE to share the calamity with some one else? Those are immediate-text moments. Like seeing a redneck family at Walmart who all have mullets. Or an old fat guy wearing a banana hammock at the beach (loving those visuals?).

Well I saw the Shake Weight commercial and it was an immediate-text moment to friend/trainer, J-Fizz.

Seriously, this is better than former NFL star Joe Montana endorsing the Skechers Shape Up shoe. We all know what muscles the Shake Weight really works, I'm just waiting for one of those infomercial ladies to deep-throat the damn thing. And so...

Me: Please tell me you've seen the 'shake weight'
J-Fizz: That is hilarious! I want one for the gym
Me: The invention of one very lonely dude...
J-Fizz: Or a self-lovin chick
Me: Let's hope they found each other

Oddly enough, even if J-Fizz invests in an army of Shake Weights, it wouldn't be the most awkward thing to happen at the gym. Nope. That award goes to me, a very in-shape very attractive forty-something man, and a flight of stairs....and the morning that I shlepped him up and down that flight of stairs. His junk jabbing, rubbing up on my back every step of the way. The only thing that scenario is missing is whipped cream and his family portrait on the wall (don't worry I've met them all anyways). When I think of a hot, sweaty man on top of me at 5am - that's not exactly what I have in mind. In the words of J-Fizz, we'll chalk one up to awkward fantasy.

Also. Who gave E Thompson the password to the universal voicemail box? Some one needs to cut her off.

The Blind Side.

There are some things that I will never understand...like blind drivers.

As per the Associated Press on April 12, a school for the blind in Englewood, CO is teaching it's blind students to drive.



Why don't we just sign them up for flight school and the Friday happy hour dart team? I'm all for equal opportunity but...this walks the fine line between democracy and stupidity. Don't even get me started on the girl who made a gum wrapper prom dress. My mind can't even comprehend this right now. The only reality I know is my cube. Which involves Google, caffeine, and Minnie...

be happy :)

Wednesday Trainwreck

Ladies and gentleman, cloning is not something to be taken lightly. Especially if the clone, like our young Corkey (<-left), has been leading a perfectly normal life in New Hampshire for 24 years...perfectly clueless to this sick science fair experiment he was a part of.


Didn't his white-collared counterpart (right->) in Peoria IL know that, one day, Weaver would be calling on him for a new Peoria Chamber Video Program????? That he'd make the obvious connection to our dear Corkey? That Corkey's whole life would come crashing down after this reality bitch-slap?

Didn't he consider these implications when he was splicing his DNA?

Nothing quite throws you into a downward spiral of a quarter-life crisis like a sneak peak of your future self......................................Good God man, bro is packin! Just saddle up with some Cheez-its and call it quits.

In other Office News: The bird is still in the Atrium. And if you didn't receive HR's cry for help, then surely you've heard the bird's chirps for hunger. But, as HR advised, if you can corner the bird into a small area please call Julie R at x549 so she and her Raiderettes can distract it with their pom-poms and capture it. Seriously who was scattering crumbs on tables to lure the bird from the rafters? That's clearly not going to get you anywhere. And I'm totally over it.

**thanks Weave for the heads-up

Don't Wanna Grow Up!

Corkey returned from his travels a better man. Because of the Red Bull Vodka Slushies in New Orleans.

Right??? Slushies were hands-down my school cafeteria's best investment - ever. And we'd all walk around drooling red, blue, or yellow during recess in a deep, satisfied brain freeze. Some Louisiana nut just brought New Orleans to a whole new level of freak.


And I thought I was onto something with Anti-freeze Martinis....but it just goes to show you that, although we may grow old, we never really grow up. And I'm okay with that.

My birthday's fast approaching. 23. Ugh.

Naturally I'm asking for a new toy (aka new cell phone). Naturally I don't trust my parents with this lofty task of researching, comparing, dissecting different models...let alone account for my personal device needs.

So what the hell. There aren't just cell phones anymore. There's the track fone, cell phone, smartphone, blackberry, android. Between Jersey Shore 2 and Nealon's biceps, I haven't been able to focus for weeks. Don't even get me started on the Kin One and Two, introduced just yesterday.

Now that my head is officially spinning from this technological mess, let's just nix the track and cell models [seriously, be practical]. We've all heard of the Motorola Droid, but the 'android' technology is actually something different - and it's mind-boggling.

It's like your blackberry got busy with an iPhone, sneezed, and then took steroids. Those 'apps' that everyone raves about are customizable, at your fingertips! You can actually use one to scan barcodes and the GPS (that your phone also has) will price-shop the local retailers for you. If magic does exist in this world, it's android.

It's not about needing to have your contacts at hand and perhaps have some Solitaire or Bejeweled to pass the time anymore...but about wanting to juice up your handheld until you drown yourself in cyberspace and useless gizmos, completely withdrawn from reality and human interaction.

That got real serious. Real fast.

I think for the big 2-3 this year, I'm just gonna throw back a few Red Bull Vodka Slushies and tether to my landline. Cheers.

Talent Show Trauma - the dirt (and some dirty water)

Thus far it's been a mind-numbing Monday. I lost my voice. You tell me how I'm supposed to make dials and actually do my job.

Actually, this could be a twist of fate in my favor. My "baby-making voice", as Colby calls it, has the potential to sway the untrained, unexpecting males...give me some contractors to call!!!

Updates on the Talent Show as promised: Magpie and Paul, T-bag, The Schwenz, Jered, and the Production Boys rocked out the vocals/jams, Corey and his fiance ballroom dancing - they brought true talent. There was a blip of fashion show greatness (the blur of fabric lasted all of 12.4 seconds). And as for who stole the show...the good ol' boys shanked the stage with their interview parody of Management and hot young female. Nealon, Winegard, Coach Whitty, Kenneth, O'Neil, and Henry - out of your mindssss hysterical. Good show...on and off the stage [ah-hem]. For future reference, Hanks needs a bathroom escort at company outings and keep J-woww away from the stairwells. And children. As for all of The Office's functions, it was a trainwreck.

In other news...I'm published [fist pump]. Check me out on Dirty Water News - (go to "In This Issue"...Dirty Water Sports). Kinda really excited about this!!!!!!

**in regards to the DWS article: please note that I stand corrected...Nike is kicking itself in the ass after that commercial with Earl Woods' voice splicings. Morons.

Talent Show Trauma - preview

Firstly, I applaud all of our very talented co-workers. Stellar performances on Friday night.

Secondly, a text from Hanks on Saturday morning...

Hanks: Worst part is...I was trying to go to the bathroom lastnight...And walked right into the mens room...And that new kid in ELL was taking a wiz...



hahahahahaha. more on the talent show later. tune in after lunchtime.

That WOULD Happen.

There comes a time in every cube citizen's life when they run into a former cube mate on the outside.

Sometimes it is a cube mate that moved on to bigger and better things. For better or worse, a former cube mate shared your struggle so you've got that unspoken bond. Always fun to catch up...[in memory of JMaves, Dave C, Sarah R, etc.]

And sometimes it is the cube mate that was fired who used to sit across from you, and would awkwardly hit on you like a teenage savage, and sent you inappropriate nude pics to "get you going", and asked you out via text (while sitting across from you. and had girlfriend)...[**gag** Kalei]

I had a cube mate run-in. Of course my story involves the latter.

So I was filling up my Honda at pump 4 on Saturday afternoon. Mind you. I go to one gas station and I only go there once every 2 weeks. Now, consider the finite window of opportunity that a 5 minute fill-up allows for...and doesn't Kalei pull up right effing next to me at the same effing pump.


Obviously it took me no time to recognize him and piss my pants in panic. Keeping my cool, I grabbed my receipt and acted pleasantly surprised. I peaked my head over to his side and said, "Oh hey Kalei! Oh my gosh how have you been since Jamie very publicly left a voicemail to fire you 3 days before Christmas?? Is that the reason you never followed-up on your text message dinner date with me for 'January 2nd at 6pm'? Or was it the fact that I found out your real first name is Fred and that you have a girlfriend?"

Game. Set. Match.



[puh-lease!! reality check: The Butler, HookerJones, and BuckWild received immediate texts. Kalei definitely pulled up to my gas pump. i saw him, but he was checking his cell phone and did not see me. i simply freaked and pulled out my pony tail, put on my sunglasses, slipped into my car and peeled outta there unnoticed. it's fun to play with matches, but i'm not gonna throw myself into a forest fire.]

My life is one cosmic joke.

The Great Debate

So not to instigate the 'battle of the sexes' or anything, but allow me to instigate...

I tuned in to Colby & Hanks having a heated debate over the proper protocol for twenty-something pursuit. Specifically: dating. There was a clear disconnect. Over the cube walls, I could basically hear Hanks' jaw drop, eyes pop when she found out that Colby had never done the first date dance. As in the "get number, call her, pick her up, take her out" dance with a girl that he's just met.

It went a little something like "OMG YOU'VE NEVER BEEN ON A FIRST DATE???!%$^#$#@ RAHHH" and Colby's reply "Well no like ya know, meet a girl and say 'hey listen we're having a party tonight why don't you and your friends stop by...'" and then "OMG YOU'VE NEVER BEEN ON A FIRST DATE??!%%&^(*& RAHHHH"

Miz and I then settled into the respective cubes to take side. Miz sided with his boy Colby, I joined Hanks. Cubicle Cross-fire ensued.

As Miz detailed, oh so elegantly, "In college, you pre-game with your boys and hit the bars and by 1am I'm not asking girls out to a nice dinner I'm seeing who's coming home with me." Both Hanks and I agree that even during college, first dates aren't an abstract concept - we had our fair share. Maybe something to do with standards, maybe something to do with Hanks' no-pony-tail-policy at the bars. This doesn't mean to find the the first blacked-out, crying girl at last call and say you wanna take her out for dinner/movie. It means to take some initiative and use that meal plan of yours to have some one-on-one time to get to know a girl you're into. Admittedly, chilling at a party is a good litmus test , because that way your friends can feel it out for you in case you're word-vomiting all over yourself - both for guys and girls (Colby should now know this from his 'Seal the Deal' tips. We're booking his summer tour). But that routine gets a little creepy circa age forty-something...

Really though, it all depends on if you're looking for a one night 'hit-and-run' or a long term 'forever-kinda-thing'. J-woww, J-Fizz - can I get a fist pump?

***TIGER JUICE...apparently he's had the best start to any Masters he's played.

Quote of the Day:

T Woods - sinking putts and nailing sl*ts. - B Kavanaugh via Facebook***


FINAL NOTE: please see the side bar on the right for Friday Fest Jam Sesh (fresh beats updated weekly, taking suggestions)

Coffee Break Fail.

So today I met some one new in the 8th floor kitchen during my afternoon coffee break. I felt rude making small talk and not knowing this person...Carly. Of course I mis-heard and initially called her Charlene. I asked if she was a new hire. No, in fact she's working on some film festival stuff with our Fifth Year division. Of course I had no idea what she was talking about, and she continued on like 'why wouldn't this girl know what I was talking about?' I felt like an idiot and started to lose my cool.

Trying to regain some poise, I thought to myself... 'film'...she's probably in from Hollywood or NYC, let's not embarrass the company here. Naturally the weather seemed like the most neutral topic, so I said, "Oh I'm so sorry you're here when we're having this horrible weather!"

Well then she told me that she moved here because she 'fell in love with a man from ROC'. Ugh. I choked on my sip of coffee and just walked away.

Fair is Fair

The Office is gearing up for the highly-anticipated, entirely inappropriate Talent Show tomorrow (3-5pm at Legends. Be there).

We have bigger fish to fry. Did everyone read the Dress Code Reminder email from HR? Well not everyone, apparently Production is exempt. Which is nice to, ya know, set different company standards for the entire company...so please allow me to gripe about how I'm not allowed to wear my puffy vest and mid-riff revealing shirt, but "lil missy techy" on the 11th can! Sheer outrage.

HR says, "when in doubt, don't wear it." I say, "when in doubt, put out!"

Now I'd also like to call attention to the NYT opinion on why Duke won over Butler in the NCAA basketball tournament (this will all make sense to your cubicle existence very soon):

Gail Collins: I’m sorry, when the difference is one weensy basket, I’d say Duke won neither by privilege nor hard work but by sheer luck. It may be true that the more hours you work on average, the wealthier you are likely to be. But while it’s harder to quantify, I’m pretty sure that the work gets more and more pleasant the higher up the ladder you climb. Forty hours in a chicken-plucking factory feels a lot longer than 60 hours managing a large corporation.

Now, I don't know how many viewers would see the finals as "upper crust Dukies against the humble Midwestern farm boys" - it was a great ball game, and it came down to the fact that Duke has been groomed and trained to seal the deal in their sleep no matter how good/bad they are playing. And this good-for-nothing Gail lady is clearly a Democrat. Way to rain on my parade. She probably thought that Obama threw a solid strike at the Nationals home opener too [epic fail].

Why would she ever make the chicken-factory/CEO argument...obviously we've replaced human chicken-pluckers with more efficient, non-complaining robots and other technologies. Seriously who does Gail think she is - Upton Sinclair trying to end "wage slavery" and uncover the harsh poverty of the working class??

I wouldn't say CEOs and corporate managers exactly lounge on their asses - considering the fact that if the company fails, hundreds of people will lose their job/income/benefits. Pretty sure that a chicken-plucker or a coffee barista or a secretary doesn't feel the same pressure and don't have to pay for Obama's new health care plan...I mean, just ask Rhonda.

Hopefully, you are just as irritated by Gail's comment. Because she's basically pissing on our education, entry-level jobs, and extra hours we dedicate to The Office. Is this why Production gets to dress down Tuesday-Friday? Because they cut/paste videos all day? Do their 40 hours feel longer? They've obviously never been berated by an angry realtor or up-ended by a doctor who's told you, "Nicole, I just got out of jail." That's it - I'm wearing cut-off jean shorts tomorrow with Timberland boots. I mean...fair is fair.

Seal the Deal

Morning Meeting: The Close

Every presentation, pitch, proposition, etc. has a close. It's where you ask for the money; take the order. Badda-bing. Badda-boom.

Colby, cube 'bro' to the back of me, has recently rejoined the ranks of the single twenty-somethings (All bias aside, the only respectable twenty-something is, in fact, a single twenty-something.). Still getting acclimated, Colby's done his due-diligence to sharpen his lady-luring skills.

The afternoon meeting will be run by Colby. Enough of this "struggling twenty-something" nonsense...Colby will go over how to be a thriving twenty-something.

Afternoon meeting: Seal the Deal

It's tough to put yourself back out there. And since Kanola Oil, Weaver, Corkey, and Nick are tied-down...Colby's wealth of wisdom can be drawn from Nealon (who calls himself "Nealonator"...). Although he's found some solid reads, specifically Vice.com. And with tips like "Fuck a 5" and "The Dream Trick", can you really go wrong?

From solid pitch to smooth close, Colby will review these gems of knowledge in more detail. This information is crucial for dudes and chicks alike; ladies you need to know when you're being duped. And if you're like me, J-woww or Hanks, you won't be above being duped and mucking out. Please have your notebooks ready to take down some pertinent life skills.

This is Unreal.

Gatekeepers

Best cube moment of the day: Kanola Oil was on the phone with an office manager...

K.O. - Hello this is Zac Kane, working with the El Paso Chamber -
OM - blahblahblahblah
K.O. - How could be 'not interested' I didn't even tell you what it's about. What if I was calling to give him $10,000 dollars?
OM - blahblahblah
K.O. - Yes. I will leave my name and number thank you.

This is Rhonda. She's my worst nightmare (Ritas and Rosylns...equally miserable). Thing is, she's the one thing standing between me and the thing that I want. The Rhondas are the watch dogs, the ugly ogres doing everything possible to keep YOU from getting to Dr. Damsel who's locked away in the high tower. Well, my salesmen in shining armor, brace yourselves. Cause Rhonda's a party-pooper and isn't going to see any value in a "technology strategy" since she no doubt only has a pay-as-you-go cell phone ['for emergencies'] and still has dial-up. She didn't graduate med school, she wonders if there's an iTampon to accompany the iPad, and her knowledge of Corporate America is WalMart's roll back prices; but don't worry - she'll 'mention' your message to the doctor and have him 'call you back'.

Tiger Tales - Continued

YesYesYesYES!!!! everyone took an indefinite hiatus from cubing today to watch "Tiger - The Return". [streaming video has truly revolutionized my life]

aplive_tigerwoods on livestream.com. Broadcast Live Free

The video on Associated Press

It's really great that Tiger agreed to host a press conference and field some pre-approved, non-invasive questions. After all it was the least he could do before his Master's debut. It's also really great that he was able to lean on his laurels, religion, and previous injuries...everything not pertaining to his steamy sex life.

Time to get real. Here's what the fans really want to know:

• On your tours/engagements...do you prefer to start out on top or come from behind?

• Tiger, it's great that you're stepping up your play - can we expect the same for your nerdy, white boy dirty-texting?

• Tiger looks like you are a boob guy based on the chicks you've banged, are you still?**
  

• Does the saying "Golf Pros and Tennis Hoes" mean anything to you?

• Your ideal leisure time: spent at the Grand Tetons or Devils Butte?

• Regarding Nike's tagline "Just Do It" - lifestyle or verbal command?

(there's no way Buddhism has an answer for that)

Sure there are a lot of people out there trying to respect his personal life and let him "play the game" - but fans are equally concerned with his delivery on the green and off the green. Sorry dude, you forfeited your rights to privacy.


**compliments of J-Fizz

Generation Gap

Today my mom needed some clarification. She was chatting with another Neighborhood Housewife (will be referred to as NH from this point forth)...and NH was worried because she asked her son how he saw his life in 10 years. Her son is a sophomore in college without a major. He wants a small apartment in NYC - not citing any specific material desires or ambitions. Apparently a huge cause for concern.

A) NH's son has goals, but he only told you his IMMEDIATE goal. my sister (same age as NH's son) said that in 10 years she would want an apartment and a bottle of vodka in the freezer. sure she sees herself married and with a family eventually, but since she's 19, living at home, and still using my ID to get into bars...I'm pretty sure the girl just wants some independence.

My mom's irritation was evident. She argued her case. That when "I was your age I wanted a family, expensive clothes, nice cars, etc." That's nice. Coincidentally the Desperates seem to colonize appropriately and *gasp* mostly share the same views! Of course my opinion has as much pull as an intern does. Seriously if one of their kids doesn't follow the "high school > college > job > marriage > children" protocol, there would be an intervention...or an excommunication from Wisteria Lane.

2) as for my sister's generation and all those younger - when you've always been given everything you want, you revert to an 'anti-want' state of being. admittedly, we twenty-somethings are guilty of this as well. perhaps why we are a million more times focused on guilty pleasures than building futures. we just assume that we'll have everything. eventually. Otherwise, enjoy your shit-fit when, in a few years, you're eating stale pizza in your parent's basement and submitting meaningless resumes online.

Ya gotta work to live; we don't live to work. But if you can't figure what you want outta life, can't really expect to be working for much at all.

My question: WHEN DO WE MEET OUR RICH HUSBANDS???

Fierce Competition

This is the business card/coupon that my neighbor children were passing out.

Poor camera quality...allow me to translate:

"25 cents quality lemonade cups

Special Holiday Deal
Buy 3 cups and get 4 cup free"

They use other words like "premium" and "delicious" in there. When did 8-yr-olds start learning verbal advantage on the playground??

Cubies put away your POGS, we've got our work cut out for us.