Alas, my stellar work ethic precedes me.

There’s nothing like unpacking your cruise wear and finding your purpose in life.

Seriously. After a four-day bender in the Bahamas I’ve lost my dignity, my bikini bottoms, and all sense of purpose because I know the next 9months will be spent in a dimly lit office. But no. Knee deep in all the sand that shook from my sundresses, this 30-second spot came on during Jersey Shore - J-woww and I thought we were still drunk on daquiris.

One thing’s for sure, the Hooter’s marketing VP definitely was.

“The value of serving others”…indeed.

The Burger King said I could have it ‘my way’ with a side of fries. But sexy and successful? I knew I could have it all.

All I have to say is sign me up for Sid’s 10-year plan. Future Hooters alum?? Oh yeah. This gal.

[this is featured first on Thoughts From A Fat White Guy]

It's Official - the cruise pictures are up

Cruise 2010...ohhhh mai gaaaad. Any other blog would bring you bombshells in bikinis. I bring you this.

See Tbuk. See Dave. See Tbuk lick Dave from beasty, sweaty belly allllll the way to his lips. This just goes to show you that with a little sunshine, a few daquiris, and $65-bucks, you can in fact get us girls to do just about anything. Get it, get it!

Dave and I are close...as in, he sees that the copier is broken and bellows, "Hey where's that girl who knows how to fix this damn thing?" I'll never forget leaving the bar last week, he found me in the crowd. He winked, points to a group of stumbling beauties in short skirts, their shirts hanging off their shoulders and goes to me, "Gazelles...it's like picking one from the herd." And off he went to stalk his prey. Bless him.

After witnessing the belly-licking debacle the last thing I remember from Day 1 is Dave passing me below deck with Tbuk over his shoulder. I thought waking up with bite marks was bad...til I found Tbuk by the cabana the next morning.

So yes. Facebook albums confirm: cruise season was a solid success. Be jealous of The Office and twenty-somethings.

A Notch in Your Belt

These days, morning traffic is enough to send me over the edge. Forget about fighting for a parking spot - instant seizure.

Random outbursts, flying objects; that stuff's kind of frowned upon in a professional setting. Ask The Hoff how to combat twenty-something stress.



Cubicle veteran, The Hoff, has an entire shelf of squeezable objects. A sweet face and pleasant demeanor, with her collection she's now got emotional armor of steel and rock solid forearms.

Think of it this way...one stress ball for traffic, a separate one for an angry office manager, one for Mom's orders, another for spilling your coffee, one for that 5pm deadline (or you're fired), another for leaving your cell at home, and a few for those Saturday mornings spent in The Office. The Rubix Cube keychain is actually used to send you into a straight up cubicle coma.

Not every kid on the t-ball team gets one of these trophies. Just us monkeys tethered to the Polycoms. Everyone's got a few 'notches in their belt', but how many stress balls do you have in your cube?

[props to The Hoff in the corner office]

Caffeine, Cocaine, and Cocoa Crispies

Suing Post for 'misrepresentation' - really Hogan? Who peed in your Corn Puffs?

What gets me through the day is caffeine and cereal.

The Red Cross attendants never laugh when I say that my blood type is "bold roast, 2 Splenda, french vanilla creamer," but I still think I'm a riot.

Otherwise my day starts and ends with a bowl (or four) of Kashi, Reeses Puffs, Chex, Lucky Charms...whatever is within arm's reach. Not picky. Just hungry. It's like crack.

Speaking of crack, I've always wanted to try it...twenty-something lifestyle has me running on 4hrs of sleep each day. But let's face it, I went to school for business. If a dime bag costs $80, how many boxes of cereal could be bought instead?

That's why when Hulk Hogan gets his tights in a bunch over a Post Cocoa Pebbles commercial, I become severely disenchanted.

A) You ran around fake slamming other men in spandex (we all know how i feel about spandex) into a mat. You're an entertainer. Right in line with strippers.

2) You had a reality tv show on MTV, but a kid's cartoon about breakfast cereal pisses you off?

furthermore) Your products include Hulk Burgers ...sold at Walmart...and Hulk Energy drinks. You need all the publicity you can get.

If we have learned anything from Bill Clinton, Tiger Woods, and Paris Hilton - it's that ANY publicity is good publicity.

Didn't you see the fairy movie with The Rock wearing a tu-tu and waving a wand?? Get it?? Now can you smell what I'm cooking, bitch?

Shipwrecked

There were 52 of us, mostly twenty-somethings. What happened on the cruise? You wouldn't believe me if I told you. But there is something to be said for international waters and having the Bermuda Triangle wreck your moral compass.

Since I have absolutely no business recounting details, I thought I'd brainstorm some taglines...

"Cruise 2010: If the ship's a-rockin, don't come a-knockin"

"Hey mon ya got a leaky nut"

"Meet me at Dazzle"

"Cruise 2010: Take a bite out of life"

"You know what? I'm not sorry - go ahead - cuff me!"

Let the rumors begin.

[photo compliments J-Fizz]

I'm On A Boat

Shattuck outtt. I'm on a boat. Ya dig?

The rest of you can smile and dial. Keep it real.

Don't do anything I wouldn't do...

*click*

I called a roofer. Brief summary...

Secretary: Hello?

Me: Uh..Hey. Hi, my name is Nicole

((silence))

Me: I...uh...I'm working on a pro - an official program for the uh...Peor....uh. Yeah. Sorry.

((at which point I hung up))

*CLICK*

hilarity ensues