IT IS RUDE TO WRITE EMAILS IN ALL CAPS

SERIOUSLY, IT SEEMS LIKE YOU ARE YELLING OR AT LEAST ENUNCIATING IN A REALLY OBNOXIOUS AND OVERBEARING WAY.  DON'T ALL-CAPS YOUR DAMN EMAILS.  because i will delete them immediately.

(isn't the little voice, the one in your head that reads things aloud; isn't it like totally echoing off your eardrums right now??)

so please, be kind to your co-workers and don't ever give an ALL CAPS unless it's something like:

"SHUT THE FRONT DOOR I'M FALLING OFF MY CHAIR AND URINATING IN MY PANTS LAUGHING SO HARD BUT REALLY BRING ME SOME DEPENDS BECAUSE I CANNOT CONTAIN MYSELF.  ALSO HOW WAS YOUR POLITICALLY-CORRECT HOLIDAY SEASON??"

Then there's the off-chance that you have mistakenly left Caps Lock on.  In which case: don't you cube zombies proof read your shit?

Alright.  I'm gonna go raid a cupboard or something.

BYE HAVE A GREAT EVENING AND WONDERFUL WEDNESDAY MAKE EVERY MOMENT COUNT AND SEIZE THE DAY.

Ya Heard??

Ya heard about the silent auction??

Of course you didn't hear.  Because it's silent.  Duh.

It happened 3 weeks ago.  J-fizz and I rocked it out.  Well, mostly J-fizz.  $11,000 raised in one night.  Whuttttt.  An incredible FIT feat, a job well done by all, [fist pump holla] and through some grit, gasoline, and good grace, hopefully a life has been made a little easier.

If you didn't count your blessings carefully enough on Thanksgiving.  Take a moment for a re-do.




- partners in crime, yo.

Cubicle Land Holiday Gifting

Do you ever have one of those years?  Try as hard as you might, but all your nice eventually turns naughty.  Like the time I made nice with my friend's bf and all the sudden her mom thinks we're sleeping together.  So!  Taking all the necessary precautions for my loyal readers, Cubicle Claus will be branding and sending out one-of-a-kind condoms to all of you.  The perfect, politically correct way to say, "Have a safe, and happy-ending holiday!...ya ho, ho, ho-bag." (one size does not fit all.)

How does that saying go..."everyone has a gift but not everyone unwraps it" ...?  Guessing by 'everyone' they mean 'Born Agains'.

Manic Monday, at it again.

Had a flashback to the Old Office...

When I think of The Old Office...I think of those abused animal commercials with Sarah McLachlan - the camera panning the 8th floor and she is sitting back by Jwoww/Corkey's window, "is you, or has some one you deeply care for, fallen victim to corporate imprisonment?" (camera close up on torn tick sheets, used tissues, a grown man weeping with his headset on...probably Xtreme. A coffee mug is thrown), "don't become another casualty of abuse and mental instability" - and then the token tune, 'In the Arms of an Angel' cues up.

But at the new office, they don't ration coffee. More like the zoo, less like a pound. Whoever cares for my cubemate better mind their manners...WATER FOR THE ELEPHANT.

Instant Kiwi

Admittedly, I thought the scratch off was called "Instant Kwiki"...obviously in that case I would have booked my flight to Australia like yesterday.  Because any country with a lotto ticket like that is home.  Not sure about the Aussie beach boys and the sleeveless puffy vests though...

How bout a surf's up, fist pump, mark sanchez.

HallelujahGodBlessAmerica&TheQueen.

Selena Gomez has been touched by an angel

Is it a girl?  Is it a tranny??  NO!! It's J.Bieber!

Selena Gomez has officially been touched by an angel...who's been touched by Michael Jackson (rest in peace...).  Right?  JBieb is the little Keebler cookie of MJ's heart.  White on the outside, chocolate inside.

And who knew that Alanis Morissette was still on the scene?  Holler at a girls' first cassette tape [...got beta??]  But what's with the Morticia drab?

sweet heels.

Church biddie called me out. Hard.

On Sundays I volunteer for Kidz Club at church.  Walking in this morning, a lady held the door for me.  She gave me the look-over, and goes, "Ha.  I'm not even going to ask."

BOOM! roasted.  Well I salute you...angel friend with values has some mischievous habits.

Kina Grannis spent two years making a 3min video

Two years rearranging jelly beans.  Then again, I've spent 24 years trying to move out of my parents' house. And look where that got me.  Two years doesn't seem so bad anymore eh?  Respect, Kina, respect. 

Somebody find me a jellybelly...STAT!

Teens soak tampons in booze to get drunk...apparently, all else DID fail.

“I didn’t want to ruin my minty breath,” says the girl sarcastically. “I was worried about getting home smelling like beer and mom flipping on me, but I wanted to get a booze, so I did it.” [wtf]

Gimme a shout out for fetal alcohol syndrome times 60,298436utiorgfe932jer,000.23 ...!!!!

Is anyone else really disappointed by this?  Kids in my high school went on recycling binges; my college launched a campus-wide crusade to get dorms to start filtering paper/plastic.  And I even have one friend who bought a reusable tampon (*shudder* she lives in Montana. So nobody should be surprised.)

You'd think that with all of the 'save the planet' and hyper-protesting, kids these days would find a more eco-friendly way to rebel.  That's why nobody does whip-its anymore.  To which I say, FOR SHAME.

Poor ol' alcohol can't catch a break.  Hit the fkn pipe for once, work on nurturing and growing some leaves, start thinking deep thoughts or whatever.

One article refers to it a 'butt chugging'.  And that's fkn hilarious.

Hopefully nobody in the Netherlands hears about this.

[j-fizz with her morning tune ins set this one up.]

Did I mention my new cubemate?

Yeah.  Some ho moved in to the cube next to me.

I think she is PermaCubeLand.  As in:  she moved in with boxes.

Let's paint the picture: Everything in my cube could fit into a Ziploc baggy.  (seriously. 2 greeting cards - jfizz holla. a few push pins.  a yo-yo and a pen.)

PermaCuber has a living plant, boxes of plastic utensils, wrapped snacks, and her own K-cups.  This both intrigues and terrifies me.  Initiating recon...please.stand.by.

Open Enrollment really got the best of me.

Every year it's a struggle to get my flu shot.

In fact, my grandmother had to bribe me last year to get it:

Gma: If you get your flu shot, I will give you spending money for our trip to Italy.
Me: ...ugh.

[three weeks later, I got The Shot only because my roommate is a nurse and was able to shoot me up in the kitchen.]

So this year, I don't even know if I'm insured yet since I've been on payroll for like 40 days.  Plus there's no trip planned for Europe so I was expecting to avoid The Shot at every Rite Aid or Walgreen's corner.

But my new company offers it free at the Open Enrollment Fair.  How terribly inconvenient since it's more fun to avoid getting the The Shot at ALL costs (yet, how can you say no when it's zero cost...??)

While waiting in line, a Creeper approaches:

Creeper: Oh (he eyes, up and down) - don't worry, you won't even feel a thing.

Instead of my natural reaction to shoot him down with...you probably tell women that a lot (ish). - I thoughtfully replied, 'Do I look scared?'

Creeper:  No.  Actually (again, eyeing.) you look tired.

Geez dude, kick me while the caffeine hasn't yet hit ON TOP OF the preemptive vaccination???  This is killin me.

Point: Open Enrollment, Squid: this girl.

Big Ol' Booties.

These boots.

Right?  Work of art.  Can't say that I'm much of a boot type gal, or much of an 'anything to do with fashion' type gal.  Why drop a ton of dimes on tan, Italian leather boots?  They were the only ones that didn't give my calves muffin tops - or result in kankles.

So way to go Europe!  I COULD HAVE PAID HALF PRICE FOR THESE THINGS - the Euro stands at 0.72Euro to 1USD ... translation?  Eff me.  Three months ago, it was 1.5Euro to 1USD.

Don't worry.  I returned from Italy, broke (ish).  Then I had the good sense to be honest and tell NYS Unemployment that I missed a meeting because I was out of the country...so they stopped paying me for 3 weeks (apparently if you're 'out of the country', then you're not 'eligible' to work in the US).  That's okay.  I'm keeping tally and am ready to launch spirited retail attack.  Just in time for Black Friday.  Euro-punks.

Who's with me!

This Verbal Vogueing thing is #legit

That's right. Hash tag legit...

**JWOWW gets all the credit for this one.  Keeping it fresh**