rant.

Our friendly security guard Warren comes up to the 8th at 11:30am (sharp) to heat up his lunch.  Every day, without fail.  He gets Bo the mechanic to cover for him at the front desk.  It takes him a solid 20 minutes to appropriately temper his three tupperware course.

Warren is a hair short of 90-yrs old.  Got a big ol' belly under that tan button up.  Slurring, drooling, farting frequently.  And breathes heavily through his nose.  Yes, Warren makes me feel safe.

Today, Warren was complaining about the long week that he's had.  He can't wait til it's over.

I'm sorry?  You buzz people into the building when they forget their card keys.  Long week?  Your next big adventure is death.  Don't wish away the days pal.

A little A&M in the a.m!

Shut. Up. so hard.

Which do you hate more. The poop stained towel, or the June Cleaver hair-style.

Thank you, 13 Deals.com.

This is My Post About the Royal Wedding.

The press will regale us commoners with time-checks, dress designers, something about Princess Diana's legacy, another royal guard who's tweeted some nugget of wisdom hidden under that big furry hat.

So Hail Mary! God save the Queen! blahblahblah...just remember that this is an NJZ (no judgment zone.)

The Royal Wedding's cramming up my Google search and slowing down CNN.com! Shoot. When do we get to AskJeeves about:

• how many times Prince Harry's gotten it in with Pippa.
• if Prince William can bend it like Beckham.
• when was the last time poor Kate was allowed to eat solids.
• what hour will Elton John's fairy wings sprout from his jacket.

There is NEVER anything juicy for us to sink our teeth into!! The Prince and his fair maiden have been keeping it cool, under lock and key this who time. Separate bedrooms. Handwritten love notes...

"Pray tell, my sweet. My heart doth skip a beat

when you are near.

Won't you be

the Elton to my John?

the fish to my chips?

I lie awake at night

yearning to touch

your sweet lips,

still tasting of that blackberry jam

from our late afternoon

tea and crumpet RAM."

Smooth. Dudes these days are just a few pentameters short of Shakespeare. Throwing out some text about a KFC, finger-licking good lunch date and expecting our panties to drop. If you're lucky you get an ecard proposal on your Smartphone at the gas station...Like, holla! Find your carriage, glass slippers and pearl necklace.

KFC, blackberry...Fannypack, saddlebags.  Shit's all the same. cluck, cluck.

photo courtesy of a j-fizz drive-by

Jam and toast, anyone?

The Office mourns.

The Office will air its last episode with Michael Scott tonight. Sorry, but he makes this show. The audacity; the "i love my life, but i hate my job" panache of office life; the epitome of every schmuck that got a B.S. in Business...

Yeahhh buddy. We sell ourselves and our souls for that B.S.

But who's laughing - we make the rules anyways. I dressed up in a full banana suit for an hour-long presentation on bananas as a trade commodity for International Business. The professor took out her camera phone and snapped that sh!t. Puh-lease. Peel that easy A.

CHEA! Tune in for the 50-minute farewell @ 9pm.

"human cannonball dies" - and nobody is surprised.

CNN headline reads: Act goes awry, human cannonball dies

...sooooOOOoOOoooOOO. This is news, why?

I didn't grow up thinking I'd grow wings over here.

ha! sup mr. g

Any day with coffee is a good day!

 
Ladies and gentleman, from March 7, 2011 to April 23, 2011, I ABSTAINED FROM COFFEE!

Sheeeeee-it!

Only by sheer determination and steady flow of Diet Dew was this made possible.

J-fizz handed me my first Dew on day 3; and then I was practically mainlining that stuffs.  Hard.  We went to Bingo one Friday.  In that span of like 2 hours, I drained two bottles of that juice.  Picture this: one before the gym, one after the gym, two more before lunchtime, and the afternoons ranged from 2-4...


Hard to tell what was worse: convulsing from a carbonated chemical imbalance or coffee withdrawal headaches, stomach aches and constipation.  Word.  And as my Lenten strifes come to an end, I definitely feel much closer to The Big Guy.  Mostly because I've been ostracized by my peers.  Nothing has made me more neurotic, more filled with angst, more on-edge than forgoing the usual 12-cups of the liquid buzz.


Time for the morning refill.  Bitches I'm back!

Ransom notes and passion fruit...yeah, shit got weird.

Sales is a cut-up-fruit-salad kind of world.  You're either the pineapple, or the grape.

So it was the Friday before a holiday.  Cubies were practically skipping into work.  Maybe we'd get out early?  Thinking: someone's probably gone and sprung for bagels/donuts!  Let's keep this morning meeting short!

But while the office had been locked up overnight, a villain was lurking.  The company servers were safe; the hidden stash of K-Cups went untouched...but up on 10 shit got weird.  In the kitchen.

What's with this copy/paste crap - all the printers are working. And who the hell is keeping whole pineapples in the fridge??  Not that there are security cameras all over The Office or anything. 

Haha!  Like "oh shit everyone get scared now!" - once they find out which nutcase co-worker hacked this job, their ass is so fired.  Yeah.  The floor isn't big for the both of you, but that won't be a problem by this Friday at the 4pm firing-hour (you know, the hour that proceeds happy hour?).

What is it with the passive aggressive notes and fresh produce, anyways??

Albany is trying to declare stray dogs as NYS's state dog...

The only thing that scares me more than the government shutting down, is the government staying open. Stray dogs...really, NewYorkState? Sara McLaughlin just creamed herself.

Is anybody else severely unimpressed with this lack of creativity? Real sharp shooters taking care of business in the capitol, they are. Couldn't decide on ONE majestic, proud beast - had to pick the ones that were given the short end of the genetic lottery, and fleas. Deaf, dumb, and different colored eyes. Shit, that's clear justification to never pay your taxes again.

Geez, just save us all the trouble and throw Governor Paterson a bone on this one.

woof.

If you haven't heard, I've been doing real great with the four-leggeds lately. My luck will have it that I marry a dog-lover. And I'll have to grin and pet it and put it as part of our family Christmas cards; then I'll secretly beckon it under the table at dinner so I can kick it when nobody's watching. Or choke it with a used condom. Psych!!

Hit it.

Friday morning beats.  Moment 4 Life - Nicki Minaj...

..yeah, hit it.

(also: the official music video, click hurrr)

Tell me you don't love Allstate's 'Mayhem' commercials

HAHAHA - that dude, Mayhem..."I'm outside running, making sure THIS stays a perfect 10". Ha! gets me every time.

What would he say about naked bicyclists in VT? Like, rubbernecking HARD. Cheeeeeeez and crackers, thank goodness I wasn't driving. Definitely would have hit my first tree. Swing-a-ling! Suga's spinning spandex don't seem so bad anymore.

What's next!? Welp, this is...

courtesy of RonBon via dilbert.com

As FunFetti would say...BOOM!  roasted.

As I'll say...BOOM!  posted.

No time to say hello - GOOD-BYE!

I'm late, I'm late! For a very important date!
No time to say hello - GOOD-BYE!

Wtf - while academia is on Spring Break, our cube corner is facing its Breaking Point! Post-its and "oh sh!ts" and deadlines and caution signs (wait. fck the caution signs. full steam ahead!). It's an all-business, nose-to-the-grindstone type week. All work and no play. Everyone's in town to party but there is NO time to be screwing around...errr?...

Final Thought For The Week

Serena. Williams.  you were better off flashing your goodies.

like wtf?

body suits.  spandex.  it's all the same, nauseating, inbred family.  misery.

good luck NEVER.

Peep Show / Peep Contest!!

Winner: Chilean CoPeepapo Mine Rescue

There was a Peep Contest!!!

When were you going to decide to tell me about this? First of all - I fkn love Peeps. Mallows dusted in dyed sugar? HELL-to-the-YES! Keep your Cadbury Eggs and your Reeses Bunnies. I'd rather play that Chubby Bunny game by myself, stuff my cheeks full of Peeps, and absolutely drool neon all over Easter dinner.

The Washington Post held a "Peep Show" contest and was looking for the most creative rendition of ...PEEPS! Apparently they're used a lot in dioramas and stuff because they're indestructible non-perishables.

I digress.

That Chilean Mine Rescue was pretty creative. I'll give you that. But here's mine:

The Purple Peep Eater.

BOOM. Roasted! want s'more???? (see what i did there?) That's got "Grand Champion" all over it!

"All I needed was a little more RAM"

FunFetti's computer has been on the fritz.  Thank goodness IT was able to hook her up with some extra RAM...*ahem*


So make note and LVM all day long.

Wake Up! We're not the hardest working country!

CNN.com [link]

CNN.com - Japan may be the first to spring to mind, with its legendary work ethic, but according to the latest study by the Organization of Economic Co-operation and Development, Japan comes in second place with an average of  540 minutes, or nine hours, spent doing paid work and chores such as shopping and cooking.

SWEET!  The US makes the middle-of-the-road!  Keep crunching away in your cube - this means gold stars for everyone.

Um, speaking for all of Cubicle Land (a non-recognized state) it's the nation of our collective cubicle peoples that topples this Everest of Effort.  United over land and across the seven seas, by our purpose and drive and caffeine comas!  A front, a mass of unrelenting output!!!  Can I get an AMEN?!



But wait...if Japan came in second, who's first?
OH WAIT! It's MEXICO!!! hahahaha!

Shout out to my people.  On account of my wetback heritage and by reasonable deduction of genealogy...I think this is scientific evidence that I deserve a raise.  Si?  arriba, bitches.  don't hate cuz you ain't.

feeling the beat this wednesday a.m.

"Read My Mind" - The Killers

...open the door, don't let it sting
i wanna breathe that fire again...

..."I can't believe I'm looking up pictures"...

Recognize...

A dream is a wish your heart makes. Right?

[compliments of wiz kid, AC/DC]

hmmmm.

how's that taste.

Oh, so the A/C doesn't turn on til Friday? Get ready to hate your life. Hard.

Or take a sip from this epic mug - before all the coffee's gone, start scraping the grounds out of the maker now!


ps. this past week's postings have sucked. deal with it. tiger woods is stressed because being a single father is 'tough' so he's cut down the sexting and lamar/kourtney didn't have as big of a premier as i'd hoped. so it's been slim pickins these days.

Thirsty Thursday.

...i'd do anything for a cup of coffee right now.  that's not a joke.

oh no. you d'int.

MMMMmmmMMM. Suga' Mama (papa?) was rocking and rolling through Bingo last Friday.

This hottie was the queen bee of the dobber gang. And you have NO idea what I went through for this snap shot. Holy crap J-fizz pretty much lost it when the flash went off. Whoops!

But clearly we've found where we fit in. The always tactful, 100% tasteless tour-de-force: the Bingo Hall.

Not that any monies are ever banked. But after a swift sweep of the crowd, you recognize that you're winning in this little game called life...by measure of muffin top, tooth count, and number of functional organs. Poor lil T was in sensory overload!

Instead of going straight to happy hour, where everyone knows your name, rock out your best threads for a feel-good game of sheer dumb luck.


As FunFetti puts it: she definitely brought her night purse.

What's in it for me.

Gas prices are going...UP!

The cost of food is...HIGHER!

aka...the cost of living is getting...INCREASING!

Just going to throw it out there: only is 1 K-cup left at the office, no more Casual Fridays (1 day per month), FunFetti and I have pretty much given up on the idea of a lunch hour...


So where the hell is my return on investment here??

Too much of a good thing.

Friday morning hoop-la? ...uh, DUH!

I don't know where somebody gets this notion of 'too much of a good thing'. That attitude gets you a one-way ticket to Nowhere!

I mean if it feels good, why stop? One can hoop in so many different ways...tandem, solo. There are so many different speeds and sizes you can try. Life's just one big hula hoop free-for-all!

You know what they say: the bigger the hoop the bigger the ho! But whatever keeps you off the pole, right? So do your thanggg.

arrrrgh matey! hahaha holla.