Probably.

If this is not the best thing you've seen today, then that means you saw Lady Gaga mackin on Justin Bieber.  To which I say - LIAR!

Hey, it's funny.  Don't overthink it.

So, there are a few things to consider.  But it's absolutely too gorgeous out.  And since I've upgraded from cube dweller to couch cruiser, I get to take advantage of these things now.

Along with mid-day melodramas.  Life's tough, ya know?

Tomorrow I'll marvel you cube dwellers with all of the weird news, spin cycles, and strange tidbits from the outside world.  Probably.

GIMME A BEAT!

So this guy built a wall out of - wtf?

...and all of the sudden, cube life was silenced.  hard.

a man from brighton casts molds of people's pee-pees.

84 people's junk, to be exact.

there's a great big world out there.  and apparently, weirder people than congressman weiner.  who actually make something of their fetishes.

((and they have do-it-yourself casting kits!))

June 22, 2011

...June 22, 2011 - The Great Purge

Twenty-two people were fired yesterday.  And it started as soon as we got off the elevator. At 7:59am - the first two were down.

That's business.  And that just plain sucks.  Twenty-two (okay, well I think it's twenty-two...we tried to keep tally but, hey!  it was chaos, so step off.) is kind of a lot.  Poor little Drewser in HR was no doubt hitting up the extra sugar packets.

Getting canned is like taking it in the can, you just gotta grit your teeth and bear it.  I mean it's always nice to come out on top but hey, it's just as good to come from behind...er?  Yes.

"Oh you're still here?" - how charming.  MarkyMark was asked that literally 7 times.  He hasn't stopped crying, won't come out from under his desk.

Nothing gets a cubie through the mid-week stretch like the thought of unemployment.  Walking through the floors and cubes, you thought it was judgement day in Pharoah's Egypt.  Or the Terminator series...but given the recent split between the 'Gov'na of Calee-forn'ya' and Maria Shriver, it just doesn't seem right.  This is people's lives we're talking about!

Now everyone who's still around is thanking Google and Steve Jobs for their livelihood.  But really, everyone who had to kiss the K-cup machine good-bye is probably - no, definitely - better off (trust me, if there's one thing you miss it's without a doubt: the free instant coffee).

As for me.  I'm taking the high road and two days of my paid vacation.

...or am I???  DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNNNN.

We laughed, we cried, we paid $5.99 for sushi, and then lunch hour was over.

The Weekend Winner:

"Oh man I was hammered on Saturday night and I peed standing up with a group of black guys huddled around me no I'm not making it up but boy do I wish I was...I have no clue how or why they didn't rape and pillage me and I'm gonna try running it off now."

Headdesk...observe:

Urban Dictionary assesses: Headdesk: An expression of frustration meaning "hitting your head on a desk." (The *s signify an action.)

>> I'm so freaked out about this test! *headdesk* 

>> I can't believe that he hasn't called back!! *headdesk*

OR...>> This cubicle is draining my soul and all will to live!! *headdesk*

These are the prisoners

There are no 'faces' in Cubicle Land. The only view I get is M&M creeping in his cube next to me. Or the routine check-in over the wall.

Otherwise, it's just voices.

So what you get is pretty much what everyone here gets...random outbursts of insanity. I've had HookerJones hit me up for more tidbits on the new kids, and other outsiders wondering who's-who.

Here's the insider scoop, via the cube prisoners and their current chat status updates:

@chat / CE-Yo: [ "Hi you've reached the home of Anna, Chip, Parker, Brennan, Connor, Lenora, William, Emiline, Henry, Oscar, Clarence, Louie, Baxter, and Stella. Please leave a message." ]

@chat / BH: [ me: suck it Gill! Corkey: well thats constructive ]

@chat / RFose: [ Excited for another week to begin ]

@chat / N!: [ Jess: I showered yesterday but trust me I was dirtier than Ke$ha....DIRTIER! ]

@chat / AC/DC: [ That BH... He once date raped David Bowie! ]

@chat / KidC: [ ]

@chat / Gbabe: [ Yeah, I'm chillin' on a dirt road,Laid back swervin' like I'm George Jones.Smoke rollin' out the window,An' ice cold beer sittin' in the console. ]

@chat / JG: [ oldmansearch: "part of the bible that says 'gay is bad'" ]

@chat / Mandy: [ QWOP ]

@chat / hutts: [ Guess what? I have flaws. What are they? Oh I donno, I sing in the shower? Sometimes I spend too much time volunteering. Occasionally I'll yell "F*ck" during the Monday Morning Meeting. So sue me-- no, don't sue me. That is opposite the point I'm trying to make. ]

@chat / Epstein: [ Tonight were going to f*ck you, but we will respect you in the morning!!! ]

Sometimes you gotta flaunt it.

Damnit Susan Boyle, you go gurl!

Dress for the position you want to be in.

And not for the position you want to be in on Friday night...

...but maybe?

Call it what you want

For Madre's birthday, I commissioned my younger sister to pick up a bottle of wine...

me: hey, did you pick up what i asked you to?

sister: yeah.

madre: what'd you gettttt??!

sister: a pregnancy test for nikole.

brother: GEEZ-USSS.

father: who wants chicken?

Call it what you want. But that's happily ever after.

my inbox reads "apparently red rover does bend over" ...and i'm intrigued.

>> J-fizz with the funnies today.  Trust me, you're gonna wanna see this.  Check it out on FWG. 

Stop The Injustice

When HR says you can't leave dishes and tupperware in the kitchen,

Everyone who's ANYONE knows that it's merely a guideline.

And that you're not ACTUALLY supposed to throw away a co-worker's food container.

It's an unwritten code of Cubicle Land.

(especially Pyrex.  do you have any idea how much those things cost??)

Now Planty is eating oatmeal off of her desk.  Dry. Oatmeal.

I, for one, am appalled.

For shame!

This is a Public Service Announcement

brought to you by Planty.

Does anyone know where I can find a cheap bush?

The best part about communication is miscommunication. The regular "I love that hat" could be a ghastly "My you look fat". And then everyone's in trouble.

A client email could say "This is a total scam!" But really they meant to tell you "Totally happy as a clam!" - autocorrect can really ruin careers these days.

So during a morning work out, we were hitting the step-ups. You know, totally gutting it out. While another class was bending and lunging or whatever in the other room. We overheard one of the soccer moms exclaim,

DOES ANYONE KNOW WHERE I CAN FIND A CHEAP BUSH?

...errr??? J-fizz and I immediately exchanged glances.

There was silence. And then,

Oh yeah! I'm pretty sure Arnie's Farm Market is having a spring sale event!

Did not nobody pick up on that? Cuz we were about to send SoccerMom1 to a different kind of vendor.

I guess it so happens that if you're thinking what I'm thinking...then you're a LOT sicker than I thought!

But at least I know you'll appreciate this:



Happiness does grow on trees.

[A-town in the far back cube with the video tip.]

BEST EVER!

HAHAHAHAHAHA. Awww, c'mon lil jimmy!

oh! oh! oh!!! by the way. making my come back on FWG. plenty more sports, spandex, and smart ass. girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do.

So I just got done reading this CNN article on paper airplanes for freedom.

Basically you make a paper airplane, write something to spread the word on slavery, and pass it on.

It's a sweeping movement to create awareness and to end slavery. [CNN.com]

Not to be a drag, but doesn't anybody remember Sadako and her 1,000 paper cranes? Third graders, can I get an AMEN??

We had a whole month dedicated to Japanese culture. We practiced counting to ten and using chopsticks. Sadako was the token reading material. It's a story about this little Japanese girl was dying from radiation post-Hiroshima, and the legend was anyone who makes 1,000 paper cranes would like get to make a wish or something. So she folded and folded as she was in her hospital bed. Not to ruin the story but she died.


POST-ITS FOR SOVEREIGNTY! Memos for moving the cubicle walls!

Pow!

Migrant Workers a centerpiece at photography festival (CNN)

HAHA!  That's funny in any language.

Do you think Juan here does home deliveries?  Because I'm all over that 5-speed like Blake Lively on a chicken pot pie.  Hard.

Happy 2-year anniversary to me.

New cubemate to the right was a-glow this morning. What, other than the fact that it's already Wednesday (holler 4-day week), could he possibly be so tickled about? Pretty sure he's not getting any. And nobody brought in bagels.

"IT'S MY ONE-YEAR ANNIVERSARY," new cubemate proclaimed.

Oh. Oh wow. Then it hit: It's my two-year.

Wanna know how I feel about that?

...bend over and I'll show you.

IN OTHER NEWS! Scientists say that cell phones cause cancer...NO F$@#-ING SH!T. And you know what else? Using Q-tips are bad for you. FYI - I'm not going on a date with a dude that can't throw me a dirty text or two, and has gross ears. Get it?

Removing the cell phone from our lives isn't an option. Nor does it make anyone's life easier. You know what does make lives easier? Electric toothbrushes.

More electric toothbrushes. Less cell phone conspiracy theory. TapThatAss...TTA.