The first time you see your old boss

Hopefully, you never get fired.

But 93% of the workforce will get canned, pink-slipped, cut loose at some point (totally made up that statistic).

Last year I had a miserable parting of ways that was dragged out over a month's time. The chick I was working with ended up being a two-faced bitch (but knowing that her ass is comparable to a vat of jello makes me feel better).

So I was 'let go'. And my VP, the one who make the cut, couldn't even do the work himself.

And I saw him last week for the first time...while I was on a first date. Yes, we were seated right next to that swine.

That's my life. LAUGH IT UP, CHUCKLES.

The boardroom smells like it's in need of anal bleaching.

That is what we call an 'HR nightmare'. So sue me.

Fifty Shades of Grey = Fifty Shades of Awesome.

Did y'all see the SNL skit for this juicy contraband??? I identify with the momma in the laundry room...

Hell yeah!  Fifty Shades of Grey.  Every girl ever is reading it.

And. Apparently that includes my grandmother.

I called Gma last week and she kept me company on my lunchtime drive. Told her I won a Kindle Fire. She starts up, "Oh my friend told me about a series to download - and Nicole, do not download it. She told me it was about a young girl who meets and older man and teaches her all about love..! It's NOTHING LIKE THAT."

Haha!  Aw geez whiz Gma, that's Fifty Shades of Grey and every girl ever is reading it. It's about REAL love. I've had it downloaded and been workin those pages for months.

So Gma goes on, "Well I usually hate trilogies I don't know why they can't finish things in one book - why does it have to drag on?  It's just a waste of time and money but...I think I'm going to finish this series."

Ha. Act like you didn't want to, Gma.

Remember friends, get the e-version if you can.  Or be like my friend who sent her 10-yr-old son into Barnes & Noble to ask for the print version...hayyyy!

Rhonda's coming to the office to sell popcorn for the fundraiser

Get ready for this one:

Sitting, freezing in my poled cubicle, I overheard some of the Executive Assistants (EAs) chit-chatting.

My attention was had at "Rhonda's coming to the office to sell popcorn for the fundraiser tomorrow."

I. Must. Meet. Rhonda.

To make Jwoww jealous, I hit her with that text.

Jill: Of course she is.  Her son's a boyscout.  Did her husband with nerdy glasses want to help be the troop leader to?

Me: Visual - their family photo for the holidays...or wait. Do you think they do one of those long letters where it's like 'Johnny grew 4 inches and now plays the french horn! He is growing up so fast'

Jill: If she's fat then no letter just a 'kids only' shot hahaha she'd be too lazy for a letter but if she's medium sized ya never know cuz little Ashley almost making the cheerleading team but cut at the last minute would be important for Aunt Louise in Memphis to know.

Damn it. Love this game. So hard.

Play more of people's lives with me next week with: Dan Dan the Maintenance Man.

When I was 24 ... (this is where i reminisce and air the dirty laundry)

If you're wondering about the mini washing machine and giant cupcake (with naughty sprinkles)...then wtf have you been? Seriously.

J-fizz had the funnies for my big day: I went from a complete-mess-of-a-24-year-old to a still-slightly-out-of-my-mind-25-year-old.

Now I get to impart some stuff on those youngins; stuff that I've learned over the year.

Here's some really awkward, vague, reflective wisdom:

• Neglect social graces and opt for no strings
  
• Get fired.
• Children. If you don't have some of your own, find someone else's. Share stories with them, laugh with them, play with them, and teach them something (even if it's how to 'drop it low'). You won't regret it.
  
• Hit up Bingo on a Friday night. Instant self-esteem boost.
• Try dating. Then snap out of it.
• Light up a few cigars.
• Sift through your people. Keep the good ones. The ones who know your shit when you can't...and bail you out when you lock yourself out of: your house, their house, their parent's house when you're dogsitting ...

The birthday celebrations lasted for 4 days. I have some pretty awesome people to thank for it.