"I love smiling. Smiling's my favorite!"

...and in a strange/coincidental turn of events.  i never have to make a dial again.  so. just smiling for now...

i love smiling, smiling is my favorite.




don't even. you know i'll still be blogging.

The One Year Shpeal.

Tomorrow marks the official 1st Year Anniversary of the Cubicle Land Chronicles. yayyyyyyyyyyy.

I may have been brainstorming icon/logo ideas last night. Maybe.

It all started back up on the 9th Floor with Pod Snack-A-Lot and the gang (HookerJones, C-dawg, Chi-Chetti, and The Butler. and of course...me). The first post was actually the new hire questionnaire we drafted and crafted to weed out the weak links. Maybe you thought I was jesting in my post yesterday - but I for real couldn't keep a cubemate for a solid 6 months. I went through like three or four.

Anyways, on November 6, 2009 the blog was "Unofficially Official" - the questionnaire that I sent out to varied recipients. Their mostly-appalled, mostly-confused responses made it clear that this had to happen. Or that I was straight outta my mind [click here to read the inaugural blog post].

Cheers. To Cubicle Land. Where the coffee flows freely, where people do not look forward to your phone calls, and where your life has just been dominated by The Management. May it make Friday at 5pm one of the best moments ever - one that you get to experience every week, for the next 60 years of your life.

Cubicle Land's List of Top Ten Twenty-Something Pointers (sprinkled with some key posts):

• Start each year with a bang.
• Your first year of cube life will be marred by two words: PANIC BUTTON...so GTFO unless you want "Fries with Your Future".
• Phones have cameras for a reason. Mostly for insanely awkward snapshots of every day life ("Crack Kills: An Adventure in Casual Dining"). But. As we learned, and streamed press conferences online, sexting ruins lives...even though it's really really really awesome when Tiger Woods and Brett Favre get caught with their pants on the ground.
• Cruise season begins and ends with carbicide. Take a bite out of life.
• Think: GTL. Gym. Tan. Laundry...seriously. Break it down, and that's basically what your twenties are. Fist-pump holla. If you're in your twenties; then everyone who isn't in their twenties most likely loves your life so hard. Make them jealous. And keep them guessing.
• Remember When...we crafted that memo to HR about hiring better looking dudes? ...BuckWild was banned from Canada?...VAJAZZLING?
• As always: "ABC - Always Be Closing", "When in doubt, put out.", "Smile & Dial", and "Google That Shit."

[by Top Ten. I meant Seven.]

special shout outs go to HookerJones, J-Fizz, & Hanks. for the bees-knees and contributions this whole damn time.

That's a wrap.

Company Wide Email:

Hey everyone,

Someone is in possession of our clapper board (slate). Attached is an
image. If you have this please return it to the studio
immediately as it is needed for a shoot this morning. Thank you.

JF

the clapper

I mean...The object in question, pictured above, is The Clapper. An official director's tool. Not sure why anyone would think to take such a thing. We cubies are lowly and homely; never to be mistaken for actual talent. So the cubie who hoarded the scene-taker must have been a worthy candidate [who spent four years in LA, no doubt]. Made for greater things, no doubt. Which is why our manager decided to shove it down her throat and mock her with The Clapper, no doubt.

And left it there to haunt her.

Somehow. When the manager booted the "Scene-Taker-Star" on Wednesday afternoon, and then packed her shit for her on Thursday. Did he forget that he boxed the very clapper that he pranked her with? Yeah I'd toss that in the river. Go fish, Elvis.

This is why we can't have nice things.

Hanks is killing it with the links today

om nom VOM

Bacon flavored soda - click for the taste test vid and see how much everyone wants to vom.  Doesn't get much fatter than that.  Jones Co. also has Turkey Dinner flavored soda.  Sensory overload.


The San Fran Ban on Happy Meals - so that the kids' parents can what, order them super sized meals instead?  Kids eat like five fries and then they're done and bored with eating anyways.  All they want is the damn toy.  Plus they've done so much to make the Happy Meal healthier these days with mini milk cartons and apple slices. Face it.  Happy Meals keep everyone happy.  Caregivers everywhere should be infuriated.  Not only because of the money they'll now waste on regular sized and higher priced burgers/fries, but also because of the extra leftovers they'll mindlessly scoop up while chasing the chilluns around.  Say hello to 20lbs. 

Minnesota Mom Fined $1.5 Million - for illegally downloading and sharing songs - "that poor woman", literally.  They weren't even good songs.  Everybody's just suing on principle these days.

Really messed up Christmas gifts for your nieces/nephews -  face it, the holidays will be here in like two seconds. And my little cousins are sick of sock puppets and toothbrushes.  But I'm not sure how the fam will react to little John and little Matthew unwrapping this package:

I'm at a loss for words.

Guy reading Kindle and talking on cell phone.  While driving.

Cleaning it up in the ring...wait...cube? I mean...???

First of all...I saw "pee-wee" and got really excited because I thought the video had to do with midgets. Pee Wee Herman is disgusting. You can imagine my dismay. Except for the immediate turnaround because The Miz is legit the man. Remember his MTV Real World days? He's so fkn hot. I just melted in my chair.  Also, we've been on a bit of a boxing kick.  Knocking em out, holla WTF.  Nealon gets props too.

So let's heat up the love. With some cube etiquette. To think that your co-workers don't deserve a little bit of respect and decency will mean an empty you across from you for nine out of the twelve calendar months. You know. Try to un-glue your eyes from the monitor, unravel the telephone cord from your neck, and stop picking at your teeth once in a while [Unless your former co-worker used to awkwardly hit on you or texted you to go out on January 2nd at 6pm...in which case, do everything to make the workspace messy, odorous, and uncharacteristically stressful].

Hankin and I have been cube mates for almost 4 months.  That's the longest I've ever been with a cube mate.  It's like that honey moon stage is over.  No more morning butterflies.  Gotta keep this one hanging around.  I Googled the solution.  Naturally.  And the "never-trust-anyone-don't-use-screen-savers-that-make-noise" is so not real life.  Come on.  Not ditching The Bieb Screensaver over an outdated article from an unknown server.  Here's my list for keeping your cube mate happy:

• staring directly at them for extended amounts of time without faltering in your focus
• have many trinkets (like stress balls, photos, interactive/colorful magnets, self-portraits, etc) for their entertainment when sitting and venting
• play ball toss!!!
• bring Dunkin Donuts coffee for them. not every day (that's excessive) but maybe once in a while.
• NEVER clip your nails. or toe nails.  EVER it is the most grotesque habit ever.

That's a wrap for Cube Chronicles Celebratory Countdown: Day 2.

...i'm really glad tomorrow's dress down day...

GTA: Guess Thursday's Ass

Sneak attack from the back. No pun intended. Ohhh baby meet me by the fax machine. The arm is a dead give away. Baby's arm?? Again, no pun intended.

The new GTA spin is fresh from Nealon - Guess. Thursday's. Ass. Designating your Thursday workday warm up to include the goods. You know I love designating days. Especially to a lil ace. Loving the reader submits lately. All the pent up creativity confined within those cubes. No more, I say!!

As long as you keep 'em coming, Really, no pun intended, then we can keep the GTA: Guess Thursday's Ass booties bouncing fa'sho.

"Rent Is 2 Damn High" Guy, meet Young Boozer

"Yes, Young Boozer is my real name. I was named after my father who first made his name as a football star for the University of Alabama. My father was named after his father who served as Mayor of Samson, Alabama." [YoungBoozerForTreasurer.com]

So, Juvenile Heavy Drinker, if I may call you that...otherwise just known as Young Boozer III...what you're saying is that you were named after your father? Or you mean your father's father? To be exact. Which one of you is your son, Young Boozer IV, named after? Sweet vanity.

Sorry "Rent Is 2 Damn High" Guy. Boozer is about to slur your face.

The Republican party just scooped up every single kid with a Four Loko hangover. Spades. Don't get any ideas. Of course we want this cracker counting our coins!! Don't be discouraged for missing out on the polls yesterday. Come the next four years we're gonna blow up Boozer's spot hard core. Move over Obama. Preaching that the economy is the reason for the Democrats' shellacking. How about your fat lazy fkn cabinet screw-balling and photo-opping. HUH?? Go cry to Oprah.

I digress...

>>Did you know that Hiscock's brother just got married? I CAN'T BELIEVE I WASN'T INVITED TO THE 'HOLDEN-HISCOCK' NUPTIALS. Outrage.