Smile and Dial

Thing is. I'm not that funny.

When you say "How are you today? Happy it's Friday...RIGHT???" and every mother-effing-braindead secretary thinks you are hysterical, it just drives a stake through my watermarked paycheck.

This is so not worth my sanity.

Home Grown

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Our lil' J-woww...look at her now.
Is it nature? or nurture?
Whatever it is. It's solid gold.

Our Story by Toy Story

I remember the huge hype for Toy Story numero uno. Disney-Pixar's first brainchild. It debuted on a Friday so all us neighborhood kids loaded up in the mini vans and stood in line for 2 hours. We all stood there with popsicle stained t-shirts and cut off jean shorts, baking in the summer heat. And then the show was sold out.

We had to wait til it came out on VHS.

But think about it. TS 1-2-3 has taken us, the Gen Y, the Boomerangers, the social-media-technologically-cracked-out generation, through our prime check points in life. From our imaginative days of cardboard box castles, dinosaurs and now it comes full circle in Toy Story 3 with the college years. It's like watching the story of my life. Buzz, Woody, little Andy...who thought that this motley crew would be the allegorical figureheads (or Potato Heads) of our lives? In fact. I've seen Miz take out his cowboy hat every now and then, you know - for old time's sake.

Not for nothing. I've already Fandangoed my tickets for Toy Story 3.

Do Something

Holiday weekend breakdown...teens do bonfires; twenty-somethings booze and chillax; grown-ups do housework and yardwork. Parents didn't quite appreciate me wading in the kiddie pool with my mimosas while they planted. Driving to Home Depot with my dad this weekend. He asked, "So, El Prez...after one year working at The Office. Can you name me 3 accomplishments you've achieved?"

[silence]

Define 'accomplishment' and if it's beyond the reach of smiling for a 75 consecutive daily dials, then I gots nada.

But cheers to the the five finalists for the "DoSomething Award".

*Micaela Connery, 23, who started Unified Theater, a nationwide high school theatrical program that brings together youth with and without developmental and physical disabilities to act in theatrical productions

*Jacqueline Murekatete, 25, a Rwandan-American whose personal experience with genocide led her to form Jacqueline's Human Rights Corner in 2007 to educate people throughout the world about the history of genocide

*Wilfredo Perez Jr., 23, whose Public Health For Haitian Youth Program has trained 16 Haitian public health workers and treated 1,200 individual patients for everything from tuberculosis to malaria

*Jessica Posner, 23, founder of The Kibera School for Girls and Shining Hope Community Center, providing education and social services to 5,700 residents of Kibera, Nairobi

*Mark Rembrandt, 25, who's transforming his hometown of Wilmington, Ohio, into the nation’s first Green Enterprise Zone through Energize Clinton County, a community development organization.

The cube is just a hub for creativity. Keeping it securely sealed.

Winging It...

Happy one-year anniversary to me. And HookerJones, O'Donnell, The Butler too!! Our class was 4-for-5 (may you forever Work In Peace, dear Dave C...). Just a bunch of go-getters making The Office rich.

Appropriately enough on the auspicious eve of the one-year mark, in the midst of boxing up my room, I found a letter. Rather a 'note to self' that read OPEN ON JUNE 1, 2010:

"A year from now, college graduation will be a distant memory. I hope that this year brings: success, the 'company cruise,' cube --> office, and booty (as in money $$$ lots of it)."

Golly. The rest of the letter nearly sent me into tears. So young, so impressionable. Puh-lease. My greatest accomplishment this past year is successfully staying below the poverty line.

When In Doubt...CONT'D

Naturally the shrink wrapped dudes in tights caused an uproar. From dry heaves (Hanks) to mass texts (Big Mike/J-Fizz).

Affirmative - Big Mike approves of wardrobe addition. And so does Colby. Seriously I tried the shirt on and have never seen that kid speechless. Walking HR violation or team morale booster?

One thing's for sure, with such resounding feedback I'm investing in the full spandex set. Big Mike has the connects for me.....and apparently bigger and better plans for the spandex product line.

Think: Edible Spandex. Scratch...try to UN-think that.

....mmm. Does this look edible to you?

When In Doubt...

Two days til the Corporate Challenge. That means one thing: SPANDEX. You can thank me later.

Are they cutting down wind resistance or cutting off circulation? Gentleman. Spandex and all like materials promote a certain type of intimacy that should be saved for fishing trips (far, far removed from civilization) and slumber parties.

So for those of you considering the switch from free flowing fabrics to spandex, know that the world takes you about as seriously as we take policemen who cruise around on 10-speeds...(Big Mike, I totally just called you out)

Ergo, I ordered a small shirt for the Challenge - of course The Office decided to upgrade to spandex/fitness material. But I can get away with this because, although my midriff is hanging out and arms have muffin tops, my boobs look pornstar size and will deter any straight males from the carefully plotted running path. A total HR violation. And absolute proof that Corporate America is all about A) who you know and B) flaunting what you got.

As always. When in doubt...put out.

[and no hate for Big Mike, I know he'll be so proud of the newest addition to my wardrobe]