The Office is gearing up for the highly-anticipated, entirely inappropriate Talent Show tomorrow (3-5pm at Legends. Be there).
We have bigger fish to fry. Did everyone read the Dress Code Reminder email from HR? Well not everyone, apparently Production is exempt. Which is nice to, ya know, set different company standards for the entire company...so please allow me to gripe about how I'm not allowed to wear my puffy vest and mid-riff revealing shirt, but "lil missy techy" on the 11th can! Sheer outrage.
HR says, "when in doubt, don't wear it." I say, "when in doubt, put out!"
Now I'd also like to call attention to the NYT opinion on why Duke won over Butler in the NCAA basketball tournament (this will all make sense to your cubicle existence very soon):
Now, I don't know how many viewers would see the finals as "upper crust Dukies against the humble Midwestern farm boys" - it was a great ball game, and it came down to the fact that Duke has been groomed and trained to seal the deal in their sleep no matter how good/bad they are playing. And this good-for-nothing Gail lady is clearly a Democrat. Way to rain on my parade. She probably thought that Obama threw a solid strike at the Nationals home opener too [epic fail].
Why would she ever make the chicken-factory/CEO argument...obviously we've replaced human chicken-pluckers with more efficient, non-complaining robots and other technologies. Seriously who does Gail think she is - Upton Sinclair trying to end "wage slavery" and uncover the harsh poverty of the working class??
I wouldn't say CEOs and corporate managers exactly lounge on their asses - considering the fact that if the company fails, hundreds of people will lose their job/income/benefits. Pretty sure that a chicken-plucker or a coffee barista or a secretary doesn't feel the same pressure and don't have to pay for Obama's new health care plan...I mean, just ask Rhonda.
Hopefully, you are just as irritated by Gail's comment. Because she's basically pissing on our education, entry-level jobs, and extra hours we dedicate to The Office. Is this why Production gets to dress down Tuesday-Friday? Because they cut/paste videos all day? Do their 40 hours feel longer? They've obviously never been berated by an angry realtor or up-ended by a doctor who's told you, "Nicole, I just got out of jail." That's it - I'm wearing cut-off jean shorts tomorrow with Timberland boots. I mean...fair is fair.
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Seal the Deal
Morning Meeting: The Close
Every presentation, pitch, proposition, etc. has a close. It's where you ask for the money; take the order. Badda-bing. Badda-boom.
Colby, cube 'bro' to the back of me, has recently rejoined the ranks of the single twenty-somethings (All bias aside, the only respectable twenty-something is, in fact, a single twenty-something.). Still getting acclimated, Colby's done his due-diligence to sharpen his lady-luring skills.
The afternoon meeting will be run by Colby. Enough of this "struggling twenty-something" nonsense...Colby will go over how to be a thriving twenty-something.
Afternoon meeting: Seal the Deal
It's tough to put yourself back out there. And since Kanola Oil, Weaver, Corkey, and Nick are tied-down...Colby's wealth of wisdom can be drawn from Nealon (who calls himself "Nealonator"...). Although he's found some solid reads, specifically Vice.com. And with tips like "Fuck a 5" and "The Dream Trick", can you really go wrong?
From solid pitch to smooth close, Colby will review these gems of knowledge in more detail. This information is crucial for dudes and chicks alike; ladies you need to know when you're being duped. And if you're like me, J-woww or Hanks, you won't be above being duped and mucking out. Please have your notebooks ready to take down some pertinent life skills.
Every presentation, pitch, proposition, etc. has a close. It's where you ask for the money; take the order. Badda-bing. Badda-boom.
Colby, cube 'bro' to the back of me, has recently rejoined the ranks of the single twenty-somethings (All bias aside, the only respectable twenty-something is, in fact, a single twenty-something.). Still getting acclimated, Colby's done his due-diligence to sharpen his lady-luring skills.
The afternoon meeting will be run by Colby. Enough of this "struggling twenty-something" nonsense...Colby will go over how to be a thriving twenty-something.
Afternoon meeting: Seal the Deal
It's tough to put yourself back out there. And since Kanola Oil, Weaver, Corkey, and Nick are tied-down...Colby's wealth of wisdom can be drawn from Nealon (who calls himself "Nealonator"...). Although he's found some solid reads, specifically Vice.com. And with tips like "Fuck a 5" and "The Dream Trick", can you really go wrong?
From solid pitch to smooth close, Colby will review these gems of knowledge in more detail. This information is crucial for dudes and chicks alike; ladies you need to know when you're being duped. And if you're like me, J-woww or Hanks, you won't be above being duped and mucking out. Please have your notebooks ready to take down some pertinent life skills.
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Gatekeepers
Best cube moment of the day: Kanola Oil was on the phone with an office manager...
K.O. - Hello this is Zac Kane, working with the El Paso Chamber -
OM - blahblahblahblah
K.O. - How could be 'not interested' I didn't even tell you what it's about. What if I was calling to give him $10,000 dollars?
OM - blahblahblah
K.O. - Yes. I will leave my name and number thank you.
This is Rhonda. She's my worst nightmare (Ritas and Rosylns...equally miserable). Thing is, she's the one thing standing between me and the thing that I want. The Rhondas are the watch dogs, the ugly ogres doing everything possible to keep YOU from getting to Dr. Damsel who's locked away in the high tower. Well, my salesmen in shining armor, brace yourselves. Cause Rhonda's a party-pooper and isn't going to see any value in a "technology strategy" since she no doubt only has a pay-as-you-go cell phone ['for emergencies'] and still has dial-up. She didn't graduate med school, she wonders if there's an iTampon to accompany the iPad, and her knowledge of Corporate America is WalMart's roll back prices; but don't worry - she'll 'mention' your message to the doctor and have him 'call you back'.
K.O. - Hello this is Zac Kane, working with the El Paso Chamber -
OM - blahblahblahblah
K.O. - How could be 'not interested' I didn't even tell you what it's about. What if I was calling to give him $10,000 dollars?
OM - blahblahblah
K.O. - Yes. I will leave my name and number thank you.
This is Rhonda. She's my worst nightmare (Ritas and Rosylns...equally miserable). Thing is, she's the one thing standing between me and the thing that I want. The Rhondas are the watch dogs, the ugly ogres doing everything possible to keep YOU from getting to Dr. Damsel who's locked away in the high tower. Well, my salesmen in shining armor, brace yourselves. Cause Rhonda's a party-pooper and isn't going to see any value in a "technology strategy" since she no doubt only has a pay-as-you-go cell phone ['for emergencies'] and still has dial-up. She didn't graduate med school, she wonders if there's an iTampon to accompany the iPad, and her knowledge of Corporate America is WalMart's roll back prices; but don't worry - she'll 'mention' your message to the doctor and have him 'call you back'.
Monday, April 5, 2010
Tiger Tales - Continued
YesYesYesYES!!!! everyone took an indefinite hiatus from cubing today to watch "Tiger - The Return". [streaming video has truly revolutionized my life]
The video on Associated Press
It's really great that Tiger agreed to host a press conference and field some pre-approved, non-invasive questions. After all it was the least he could do before his Master's debut. It's also really great that he was able to lean on his laurels, religion, and previous injuries...everything not pertaining to his steamy sex life.
Time to get real. Here's what the fans really want to know:
(there's no way Buddhism has an answer for that)
Sure there are a lot of people out there trying to respect his personal life and let him "play the game" - but fans are equally concerned with his delivery on the green and off the green. Sorry dude, you forfeited your rights to privacy.
**compliments of J-Fizz
aplive_tigerwoods on livestream.com. Broadcast Live Free
The video on Associated Press
It's really great that Tiger agreed to host a press conference and field some pre-approved, non-invasive questions. After all it was the least he could do before his Master's debut. It's also really great that he was able to lean on his laurels, religion, and previous injuries...everything not pertaining to his steamy sex life.
Time to get real. Here's what the fans really want to know:
- On your tours/engagements...do you prefer to start out on top or come from behind?
- Tiger, it's great that you're stepping up your play - can we expect the same for your nerdy, white boy dirty-texting?
- Tiger looks like you are a boob guy based on the chicks you've banged, are you still?**
- Does the saying "Golf Pros and Tennis Hoes" mean anything to you?
- Your ideal leisure time: spent at the Grand Tetons or Devils Butte?
- Regarding Nike's tagline "Just Do It" - lifestyle or verbal command?
(there's no way Buddhism has an answer for that)
Sure there are a lot of people out there trying to respect his personal life and let him "play the game" - but fans are equally concerned with his delivery on the green and off the green. Sorry dude, you forfeited your rights to privacy.
**compliments of J-Fizz
Sunday, April 4, 2010
Generation Gap
Today my mom needed some clarification. She was chatting with another Neighborhood Housewife (will be referred to as NH from this point forth)...and NH was worried because she asked her son how he saw his life in 10 years. Her son is a sophomore in college without a major. He wants a small apartment in NYC - not citing any specific material desires or ambitions. Apparently a huge cause for concern.
A) NH's son has goals, but he only told you his IMMEDIATE goal. my sister (same age as NH's son) said that in 10 years she would want an apartment and a bottle of vodka in the freezer. sure she sees herself married and with a family eventually, but since she's 19, living at home, and still using my ID to get into bars...I'm pretty sure the girl just wants some independence.
My mom's irritation was evident. She argued her case. That when "I was your age I wanted a family, expensive clothes, nice cars, etc." That's nice. Coincidentally the Desperates seem to colonize appropriately and *gasp* mostly share the same views! Of course my opinion has as much pull as an intern does. Seriously if one of their kids doesn't follow the "high school > college > job > marriage > children" protocol, there would be an intervention...or an excommunication from Wisteria Lane.
2) as for my sister's generation and all those younger - when you've always been given everything you want, you revert to an 'anti-want' state of being. admittedly, we twenty-somethings are guilty of this as well. perhaps why we are a million more times focused on guilty pleasures than building futures. we just assume that we'll have everything. eventually. Otherwise, enjoy your shit-fit when, in a few years, you're eating stale pizza in your parent's basement and submitting meaningless resumes online.
Ya gotta work to live; we don't live to work. But if you can't figure what you want outta life, can't really expect to be working for much at all.
My question: WHEN DO WE MEET OUR RICH HUSBANDS???
A) NH's son has goals, but he only told you his IMMEDIATE goal. my sister (same age as NH's son) said that in 10 years she would want an apartment and a bottle of vodka in the freezer. sure she sees herself married and with a family eventually, but since she's 19, living at home, and still using my ID to get into bars...I'm pretty sure the girl just wants some independence.
My mom's irritation was evident. She argued her case. That when "I was your age I wanted a family, expensive clothes, nice cars, etc." That's nice. Coincidentally the Desperates seem to colonize appropriately and *gasp* mostly share the same views! Of course my opinion has as much pull as an intern does. Seriously if one of their kids doesn't follow the "high school > college > job > marriage > children" protocol, there would be an intervention...or an excommunication from Wisteria Lane.
2) as for my sister's generation and all those younger - when you've always been given everything you want, you revert to an 'anti-want' state of being. admittedly, we twenty-somethings are guilty of this as well. perhaps why we are a million more times focused on guilty pleasures than building futures. we just assume that we'll have everything. eventually. Otherwise, enjoy your shit-fit when, in a few years, you're eating stale pizza in your parent's basement and submitting meaningless resumes online.
Ya gotta work to live; we don't live to work. But if you can't figure what you want outta life, can't really expect to be working for much at all.
My question: WHEN DO WE MEET OUR RICH HUSBANDS???
Saturday, April 3, 2010
Fierce Competition
This is the business card/coupon that my neighbor children were passing out.
Poor camera quality...allow me to translate:
"25 cents quality lemonade cups
Special Holiday Deal
Buy 3 cups and get 4 cup free"
They use other words like "premium" and "delicious" in there. When did 8-yr-olds start learning verbal advantage on the playground??
Cubies put away your POGS, we've got our work cut out for us.
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