2010 you were great.

Normally I don't divulge my new years resolution. I have this weird notion, kind of like making a birthday wish when you blow out the candles, that if you tell everyone what you wished for then it won't come true. But it's like really tough to keep it a secret. Like, really tough.

And with a resolution, statistics show that most of us fall right back into old habits anyways. So with that I am proud to tell you that I stuck fast to my 2010 resolution (go me! wi-FIVE* that shit!)

Bell curve destroyer all day.

Since it's NYE 2011 then I guess it's okay to give up the goods. Quite simple: This past year I had resolved to get busy living.

Whaddya say kids. Mischief managed?

Hot damn 2011 you ready??



*my pal spike gets total copywritten patented credit for the 'wi-FIVE' - epic verbiage

All I want this week is a GTA... *le sigh*

love it. so hard. right???

Let's all welcome G-babe to our division. Holler at the horizontal move!

Unfortunately Hankins is still in the doghouse, but at least he's got some seniority under his belt. Seriously you need to learn to play the game aka lie better.

On my morning drive, Wednesday morning's drive, the station's personalities were discussing the hook up scene of the work environment. Any work environment. Now, our division is such that it is comparable to the Island of Misfit Toys. Yes, like in the Rudolph claymation.

Ron, you'd totally be the train. Xtreme - airplane, hands down.

Our guys? They're like bros. The gals? Like your lovable sister. A close-knit, dysfunctional and mostly irrational grouping. So this 'scene' from the radio talk show doesn't quite apply. But Weaver, Kane-O, Corkey, J-woww, and now even G-babe, absolutely LOVE to play MFK.

For those of you new to the game of Marry Fnck Kill, one is presented with three choices. Choose one to marry, one to ...*ahem*..., and one that you'd kill. Example: Ashley Greene, Katherine Heigl, Olivia Wilde - and GO!

Lately it's just been up on the Stool. And it's gotta be the knee-jerk reaction. Otherwise it loses all genuine crassness and fickle taste. Sometimes the discussion gets heated.

MFK translates to anything/anyone. One could run through the company directory, per se, and ramble off the most epic of MFKs. Now, when we're talking live humans-slash-co-workers (and all sorts of HR violations), not many cubies are in the mood for nuptials. And killing can get all sorts of messy. Hello liabilities and non-secure emails and documents.

Doesn't make sense to just run through, point and scream "fnck" at random directory photos. Wouldn't want to upset BradDub-ya up on 9. Thus, notion for Totem Pole. I rank and judge all of you anyways. We had this one kid in my high school class. Nice kid, kind of nerdy - the behind the scenes guy but not scheming-to-kill-everyone guy. Anyways. Last day of senior year this epic document starts going around. Nice/nerdy kid went through all 447 of our classmates and typed up EXACTLY what he thought of EVERY single person. Horrendous. Miserable. And nobody was safe. Naturally I got a great report. It was like the burn book in Mean Girls. Like wtf.


So to compare to my game of Totem Pole, check your inbox for the list of screw you (literally?) rankings.

[relax yo. i'm totally not like that. plus i deleted the company directory]






Okay. Some one send me GTAs. Please. If you want to give me one last gift of 2010. And what the eff kind of a year its been. We'll make the magic and posting happen. NOTCH.

If it gets the job done, do it.

Today began with the usual sharing of media and strange news.

Wtf with these idiots trying to smuggle 14lbs of cocaine in Easter eggs.  Uhhh yo, Tanta Kringle...it's Christmas. 

Come on.  Ornament?  Hot cocoa packet?  Not to be blatantly obvious: fake snow? J-woww and I were out of our minds with this.  And J-woww's a Jew.

But thanks to the trusty boarder patrol, who is highly trained to spot such anomalies as Easter eggs under the xmas tree, the perp was caught.

"Obviously two days before Christmas, this defendant didn't expect his trip would end with federal officers conducting an Easter egg hunt," special agent Claude Arnold said in a statement

...

Sleuth!  Poetic justice!  ...terribly clever... You know Mr. Claude Van Dam is going to be retelling that punchline at every Thanksgiving, MLK Day, Easter, and barbecue for years to come.  Like "har har har, and then you know what  I said to the reporter???"  *cue: wife pouring another glass of red, popping another valium*

On that note.  If you're going to run a covert op - don't fkn get caught.

not without plenty of board games. wtf no coffee??

For real, real??

WWW.THEANTI-JOKE.COM

^^^^^best link ever^^^^^




A few minutes of clever prose all in the name of the twenty-something in-between. A chance to boost The Office morale, making light of life without natural light. Chronicling the mayhem and mishaps of the day-to-day. Come ON bro. Shit is funny! yet endearing.

Nope. My laptop blue-screened 3 times before I could get the post up. Fkn sweet.

Okay...now that I have aired my grievances. Shake it off. Business as usual:

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. I know I know. Been hearing in text, gchat, email, in-person enforcer visits to my cube (Nealon.) - posting is slacking! Gearing up the creative juices for the new year, perhaps? Whatever resolution I make for 2011, please note that, statistically speaking it won't be upheld.

hEY! At least I haven't forgotten how to embed a fkn video.

Blink 182 - "All The Small Things" - midgets dropping from the sky. yes.

take this down.

come on! epic day for updates and blog posts...the headlines are killin me.

annnnnd tom brady, along with his slew of pampered pats, stayed in the Hyatt last night. aka directlyyy across from The Office! Xtreme creeped a few pics with his droid of ant-sized t.brady...and corkey iswas no doubt fixing his housekeeping costume for full on creeping. and you thought I was sweet on sanchez...

stranded in our fine city because of the 'winter blizzard' that assaulted the east coast. apparently they were complaining about their stay having been 'garbage' - unless they mean garbage plate (in which case it would have been straight up delicacy) then i take personal offense. be thankful they didnt stick ya'll in downtown Buffalo! for shame. mark sanchez would NEVER act so ungrateful.

other points of interest: get stuck in a mine for 60 days (unhappiest place on earth...) get sent to Disney (happiest place on earth!); hugh hef enaged to a 24-yr-old...wtf; the 'hello kitty' smart car (as j-woww would say..."i bet its huge in japan. asians love hello kitty it's like rack to them"); 12 wacky winter sports which suprisingly doesn't include liquor ice luging...

ughhh i cannot wait to elaborate. chomping at the bit? it hurts so good.

...have yourself a merry little christmas

My sister received a delivery today - flowers. From her boyfriend. My mother approaches me, "Well are you inviting any visitors over or...?" [well yeah ma, obvi my boyfriend EVAN WILLIAMS, that single barrel s.o.b. will be putting me to bed]

Ha. Ha. Ha. Ho. Ho. Ho. Tanta Kringle and yuletide caroling, sugarplum fairies, to all a good night and all that jazz. Make merry with your loved ones, think dearly of the ones who have passed. And find me over by the eggnog.

May you look around and be overwhelmed with joy - take in every blessing in your life. Cuz while we all bitch about our jobs, the nutso neighbor who always blocks the car in, and getting cut in line at the store...but! at the end of the day it's your family, it's your friends. Yeah dude. That's the good stuff.

Wishing you happiness, good health and cheer; today and every day all throughout the year. Make it count.


...hey megi. miss ya my friend. your card is to be stamped, sitting in my car. stay warm in nyc and know we are missing you!

Tis the season to be calling

Merry holidays. I'd like to thank Management for another sweet year and for my job. And the heart attack/ulcer yesterday from the "you are all working until 5pm on Thursday and that's final" - so that I could come and and frost a fkn cookie, bank a few leads, and have every single one of our department's uppers ditch out by 9:49am. I totally don't mind since I don't have a family of my own and since you didn't previously promise us a half day in Mondays meeting. Make us think we have to sit on our thumbs for 8 hrs but then somehow decide to relieve us by 1pm. No...we don't think that's nice we actually think it's bipolar and all sorts of illegal. But what do I know about morale and HR violations anyways. Merry Christmas!