Baby Shower Blessings (and my baby mama drama)

Sometimes I act like a mature young adult. Make dinner, shop for groceries, send birthday cards...standard, manageable stuff. But then there's the occasional baby shower to shop for.

Now before I continue, get 'mo educated on typical babies-and-twenty-something word association:

• babysitting - (v.) watching chilluns that are not ones own...usually coincides with monetary gain
• The Baby Maker - (n.) delicious martini made specially at Lola's (two-for-one happy hour, yes please)
• A Jack and Coke (n.) - not Jack and Jill
  
• slam dance - (n.) how to make a baby...

Hmmm.

So I went looking for baby stuffs this Sunday. Ended up in the pet food aisle. Surprised? I finally made it to the correct diaper-clad corner of the store and...dude. Ray Charles could have seen the panic on my face.

I really have to applaud the gym ladies and my momma who've prepared me for situations like this. Cuz one of these days when I'm a fully-functioning adult, elbow deep in diaper wipes and pissing my pants when I sneeze, I will think fondly of the gym ladies because they didn't sugar coat anything during our daily 5ams. Keeping me on my toes. ScottyB and Suga get a shout out too.

Whatever, they can thank me for the vajazzles that the CE-yo! Elf will be gifting to them this holiday season.

So it came full circle last night for J-fizz's baby numero cinco baby shower. Put those Mr. Clean Magic Erasers to good use, mama. The gym ladies had a great little celebration at our favorite Italian restaurant - Compane, holla. Celebration (and good food) - and cheer (and even more good food) - and pink onesies (and cake)!

Like, I've been sitting in my cube grinding it out the last seven months while you have been growing a human - wtf cubies, how's that for some perspective. Nonetheless it's really, really cool to have been a part of it all :)

My baby-mama-drama aka worst nightmare is having kids and, knowing me, they'll end up some disaster like crack-head-kid Willow Smith:

>>> WTF lil Smith. Let's reel it back in to the pet food aisle for now...



HAHAHA THIS BIRD IS THE SHIT!!!!

[word up to T for the bird blip]

{fist pump for lil baby blessings}

Get 'mo educated on relationships

On her brand-new album, Loud, Rihanna sings about the complications of love on a song called "Complicated." She addresses the hardships and misunderstandings two people can have in a relationship over a radio-friendly dance beat:

"Women, they're the first to say, 'It's your fault,' but most of the time it is [the man's] fault," she laughed. "But men are also great at turning that sh-- around on us and making us believe that we're wrong for something that we didn't even do. At the end of the day, love is f---ing complicated."[MTV News]

...all i got from that was "BLAHBLAHBLAHBLAH - I'M CRAZY-GIRLFRIEND YOUR BROS TELL YOU ABOUT!! RUN IN THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION OF ME! I'M BATSHIT CRAZY! WAIT I BROUGHT YOU A LOVE FERN!"

I dunno. There's something to be said for holding out on the goods - see that Beatles/iTunes deal? Pedestal - notch. Absolutely mind-blowing.

Now every girl ever knows that dudes are just trying manipulate us with their pig-headed, misogynistic ways. How could I have gone all these years, blinded!? And as a brunette??

That's great and all Rihanna, but you are like two years too late. Do you steal men like you stole the Kool-Aid hair trick? My girls Scoops & DripDropz posted me this video...and I'm already 'mo educated' about gettin mai mannn. Which is a good thing because between smiling (and not dialing) and board game nights, I was really losing my touch.

Tracy knows what's up with Kool-Aid hurrrr:



[Scoops & DripDropz get props for the video tip off]

Fight or Flight.

College students divided...two things on CNN.com today: the Four Loko debate, and the struggle for the Quidditch World Cup.

I'd really hate to see the Four Loko go. A12%-alcohol-by-vol, caffeinated, carbonated beverage is obviously the answer to the black market adderrall peddling going on in the library basement of every college campus. Does government really want to start that whole Prohibition thing again? Fight for your right to party.

Figures that Yale, NYU, Harvard, etc would have Quidditch teams. Do you think that JK Rowling is laughing it up at the thought of these twenty-somethings running around with brooms in their crotches??? She's probably reading up on the Quidditch World Cup write ups in the Daily Prophet...aka sitting in some fkn chateau royale, wiping her ass with the madd monies of her Harry Potter fortune and sneezing gold coins out her nose.

How about the perfect union: Bill Clinton joins the cast of "Hangover 2". That is so gangster. He sees all those Hollywood hotties trying to make political waves, and *BAM* Clinton's on set for "Hangover 2" in Bangkok (really...Bangkok. how's that taste, Hilary...Monica...registered voters?).




[Betty bringing on the inspiration]

...another one bites the dust.

this is a two-fold post.

Part I : Every computer that I touch, crashes. Or has crashed this past week. Do ibox-XBox things count? (Sorry bro-ski.) My cube is therefore under construction. You know where to find me this week. Got an office with a view - holla!

Part II: FaLaLa*...if you ain't got no money take yo broke ass home (or if you find a place where you can make better money then get the hell outta Dodge.)

Everybody says that you're not here to make friends...but. After looking at the $$$ this weekend, seems like friendship is the only thing we've made at all. Probably because it's free.
Ah, but the show must go on.

HookerJones has left the building.

Dear HookerJones,

At least you left in style. Handed it to 'em - along with your resignation. Cubicle Land is gonna miss ya...but if the corner of Lyell and Mt. Read is your calling, we know you'll go far (easy fellas, for a price. obvi).

xoxo, Chunks

Get ready to buy everything your co-workers kids are selling

 I can't believe I'm doing this...Betty.  I'm sorry.

Want to scar your kid for life?  Send your daughter on her first sales adventure: door to door peddling cookies.  Of course the neighbors aren't going to say no, but they aren't gonna buy me the cookeis.  And faghedddabout little boys and their bear cub pack leaders in the woods.  In tents.

So, I used to be a Girl Scout **shudder** ughhhh.  Oh yeah, Betty was too.  Better you find out here than when the media decides to blow up my election spot and leak pictures all over Guam.  Whatever.  Sweet sash, cool badges - I was the shit.

The lynch pin of the Girl Scout Mantra, "to serve God and my country, TO EAT COOKIES AT ALL TIMES, and to live by the Girl Scout Law"...was totally my thing.  Until my mom volunteered to be the Cookie Mom.  There's always that one girl who makes bank because her parents assault their co-workers, corner them with guilt and sugar.  I hated those parents.

What did those 400 boxes of caramel things get you - a t-shirt and a friendship bead?    Because it got me a weekend of indentured servitude.  My mom made me unload and stack and count (and recount) every fkn box that arrived in our garage.  Hope you're happy.

Sorry that my mom actually expected something of me. She wasn't knocking on doors or even escorting me around the 'hood.  Dad mayyyybe hung the order form outside his office.  You think he wanted to be schlepping boxes like a mule to his building?

And guess what: I still hate those parents.  Because now I have to avoid their eye contact, fake incoming phone calls (mouthing "oh sorry i need to take this!" and sprint in the opposite direction), and pretend I lost my wallet for three weeks.

Start fitting a line in your budget for Cubicle Land Co-Worker Kids.  And like, not even really your co-workers.  Because if Colby fathered a few, I'd buy whatever coupon booklet and candy bar within my allotted budget.  It's cube code...ya kinda hafta.  But c'mon.  If you're calling on me from three floors up and two departments over and I've only seen you once in the mail room, then GTFO.  Do you not see me rationing oatmeal these days??

Basically, I didn't feel bad watching HR call in back ups to help a Girl Scout mom - industrial mover carts and all.  How's that taste?

(fine, i caved.  i felt a little bad. and even offered to help.)

GUYZZ WANNA BUYYY SOME COOK-AYYYYZZZ???  Haha, Corky Romano.  Sly sonofabeetch.

this is why i puck

I'm so not a Penguins fan but.  I so could be.  Just for Sid Crosby #87.



hockey and tim horton's coffee?  uh huhhhh.  [insert joke about creamer here].