Nursery time at The Office

Want to make an entire sales floor of twenty-somethings freak out instantly?

JUST ADD BABY!!!

It's been screaming and crying and WHY IS NOBODY ATTENDING TO ITS NEEDS? Bouncing it on your knee? Peek-a-boo??

Colby wants to lock it away. And just told Tulip to lock it up (no, you lock it up). Can't quite convict as well like J-woww "oh sorry had to bring my child to my telemarketing job."

Looks like I'm heading up The Office's new tailgetting...sorry...tailgating party for the upcoming kickball season. First, second, third base? Any maternal instinct that was budding in my twenty-something being just went into remission for the next 20 years. Already have my hands full with BuckWild (get back in your cube...Dial! Google Docs!).



This is unbelievable. Will somebody get the kid a Happy Meal?

Sparky. Work thy magic!

Dog.  Problem-solving.  Quick, easy solution to your insurance problems.  Great 30-second spot.  Going along with the 'so-easy-a-caveman-could-do-it' thing but with a man's best friend spin.  And dogs don't even have opposable thumbs!  Sheer genius.

Now.  What kinds of magic can good old Sparky work for a twenty-something, just above the poverty level and nicknamed Speedy Gonzalez?

Sure, these things happen.

Girl swallows a 7-inch toothbrush...sure, I guess that counts as news.

How does the first 6-inches of the toothbrush accidentally get past one's notice? And she was running up a flight of stairs while brushing her teeth?? Her gag reflex gobbled up the toothbrush???

None of this makes sense. None of the comments I want to make are nearly appropriate for this blog's integrity.

Wait til she gets one of those electric toothbrushes. Then there'll be full satellite coverage.

Hello Random Gchat Happiness!

Random, non-related tid bits and things that brought a smile to my face on gchat...

******

Betty: did you know your sister changed her name on facebook to asvathama

******

Sink-o: so I think I'm an indiot

Sink-o: idiot*

******
J-woww: ive noticed 2 things today

1. i feel like i forgot how to walk in heels and im really self-conscience about it

2. my hair looks SO GOOD dark

******

Jameson: lol i have such mixed emotions about that.....

it was beautiful till i scrolled down...then i got scared

******

...and so. Life in Cubicle Land.

Wake UP with GTA in your morning cup

The best part of waking up is Folgers in your cup?  

Fa'gedddabout it.  A fresh squeeze of that would get me going alllll dayyyy long.

Real Time Telephone Talk Time

Here's a Friday snippet for ya:

[premise: calling into a town in Missouri. A sale was made, and we were referred to the business that I called...the receptionist and I have become quite close over the past week or so. Considering I've only called a few times asking for the owners, she should really learn to like me. I'm so charming!]

**ring**ring**

Business/Debbie: Hello? Business X!

Me: Hi, good morning - this is El Prez, working together with the chamber of commerce. How are you this morning?

Business/Debbie: Oh. Yeah. They're not in.

((ice cold, Deb! what gives!!)

Me: Oh okay - sorry Debbie did I catch you at a bad time?

Business/Debbie: No.

Me: I wasn't sure you sounded a little preoccupied - well happy Friday at least! Do you expect them in later?

Business/Debbie: No. And Monday's going to be bad. You know, we sell screens.

((uh...silence))

Me: Yeah absolutely I know that! We understand, Mondays can be rough - full inbox after that weekend right?? (then I do my fake phone laugh.)

Business/Debbie: Yes, like I said we do screens.

((ya Deb. you sell screens. got it.))

Me: I know. When I spoke with BlahBlahDental, same thing - they're slammed cuz it's back to school!

Business/Debbie: Sure. And the weather just changed so it's crazy for us.

Me:...Alright great so I'll follow up next week - have a great weekend!!

*click*

Okay. Screens. In Missouri. Not like it's the next ice age right around the corner here at the end of August.

Dear Jillian Michaels...pack your shit.

So there's this rumor going around that it's possible to lose weight on a cruise...correct me if I'm wrong, but shouldn't that all be done before you board the boat?

Jillian Michaels has to go around 'changing America' with her Ultimate Wellness Cruise via Norwegian cruise lines. For those of you who are not familiar with this psycho bimbo, Jillian Michaels is one of the Biggest Loser trainers. Oh. BTW she's a dude. She's got this notion that,

The standard menus "couldn't have been any worse" from a weight loss perspective. "Everything had butter, cream, cheese, tons of oil. Every fish dish was breaded and fried." [CNN]

Of course it's all breaded and fried! And after a month of starving myself, straight up lemon and water 3 meals a day, I want to shovel all that good stuff into my new bikini boppin' bod and wash it down with Miami Vices, Pina Coladas, Strawberry Daquiris. And what's a cruise without the midnight buffet anyways?? No trip that I want to be on, that's for sure.

Jillian Michaels is one dude who shouldn't be manning the ship. Who put him in charge anyways? Trying to change America. Getting all in people's business when the reality is: a lot of people are fat and lazy. *ahem* TR *ahem* Puh-lease. Walking around the decks would make any normal-sized person feel like a greek god. It's like a time warp to Six Flags. Beached whales and fish tails. Yikes.

How about this for your next Caribbean cruise: liquid diet. BAM. Where's my fame and fortune?

Health foods? Eff that. Taste this:

[company cruise may 2010 holler]