Say Goodnight with GTA: Office Edition

Wrap it up with a Friday tap.  Guess the ass of this cube bro.

Pin-striped strip tease, yes please.

Case of the Fridays

Remember when we used to do Friday happy hours?

Remember when Hank would come over the loudspeaker at 4:30pm and announce "Per the Boss Man - class is dismissed"...or was that Rich who'd say that?

Whatever the case, that is NOT the case today. Then again, with seven people getting canned today, why question authority?

So of course the past hour has been the no-work-work-hour (*gasp*). Thank goodness the Boss Man is way too focused on more important matters - like firing slackers - than GTSing and investing in the new worst nightmare of Cubicle Land...

When Trevor Blackwell, CEO of a company called Anybots, wants to know what his employees are up to, he sends a robot to their cubicles. "I can see if people are busy on something -- and then won't interrupt them," he said this week. "Or, you know, if they're doing something that looks interesting, or if they look stuck, I'll have a conversation with them." [CNN.com]

What a dick.  Translation..."I'm quite comfortable sitting in my corner office and even moving to get my coffee is a stretch. Can I have some one type this memo for me?  Thank goodness for this robot.  This way I can see if people are being lazy shits and up on that YouTube or Bar Chair crap, wasting the company's money. So I'll play with my new billion dollar toy and spy on them."

The thing is. They are busy. They may not be busy doing work. We know it's not something 'interesting'...these monkeys work in cubicles. If they're stuck, it's most likely just been put into the 'to do' pile for later.

Honestly! The people running companies these days...

Friday fun and Battle of the Sexes

Gym Tan Laundry is on hiatus. This week turned into a petite battle of the sexes. Here are a couple of viral videos from Nikki & John...a precious twenty-something couple. Who, instead of cubing it up on the reg, sit around pranking each other and making bank. Which is kindaaa like what we do. Except more profitable.

They no doubt GTS...google that shit...Ah these kids keep me young.







[thanks Sink-o for the tip]

There Will Be Blood.

Red Cross has infiltrated the Atrium today. Hot damn...so appropriate. Yet completely ironic. Since we eat in the Atrium. Corkey is squirming in his cube - how's that window seat treating you now that you can see the blood draining from your co-workers?

Also. Just got off the phone with a total Rhonda (jewelry store owner) - and told her this disgustingly elaborate story of how I was recently engaged to make her take the appointment. Yup, they train us to leave no prisoners.

Back to the Fundamentals part deux

As a rebuttal to yesterday's post, Nealon shot me the straight up skinny on what dudes want:

All the girl has to do to get in a guy's pants is be flirtatious but not slutty, show interest but run away (like a 5th grader) make me work for it and don't weigh a buck sixty five. If you make me jealous I might drop you cuz I hate games, but I love games at the same time so I might just put you on hold. Oh and ladies, watch porn or to find out how to be a lady on the street (or at least not a dead fish) in bed, pick up a Cosmo/talk to your guys. If you got certain assets you better use (not just flaunt) them.

Spoken like a true gentleman. Translation: "I want a high school aged girl with crazy-girl-syndrome that is the size of a bean pole." He's well on his way to the happy marriage/house/white picket fence/mini van American Dream.

As for the dead fish thing. Don't even. Before this turns into like five (...or so...) posts on that 'worst hook ups' website...if it gets to that point, there were probably some red flags earlier on. But at least you'll have put a few 'on hold' at that point? While you dudes are at it, try not to have enough beers for the entire frat house so that there aren't any issues keeping up.

Let's do this - you chase me, I'll chase the cheese.

AAAAA-burrito.

WARNING: this is really boring until the 1:24 mark...then it gets awesome and gang-like.

Blockheads is a grrrrreat burrito place nestled in NYC. I've eaten there once, but the street scene wasn't nearly as exciting. Speaking of burritos. I studied abroad in Santiago, Chile (South America). Funny how I'd taken one semester of espanol only to be immersed in a Spanish-speaking continent. Was there for the funeral of some very decorated, high ranking military official. And the cultural experience was incredible. I joined my host family for the day. But after the fourth hour of watching the city-wide procession pass by, I was waning. My host madre turned to me and asked, "blahblahblahblah aburrito??" Of course that caught my attention. So I said "SI! ME GUSTA. Tengo hambre" (trans: Yes, I like them! I'm hungry). Host madre was totally offended. Hmm. Later learned that "aburito" means "bored".

Back to the Fundamentals

The Morning Warriors, aka the people that I work out with at 5am, are a little left of center. And that's why I love them. If you're expecting an intense Gordon Bombay pep talk (quackquackquack) or a Bring it On rally, you're out of luck, Chuck.

This is some WTF wisdom from the morning work out crew, with a cube crank. Main thing to keep in mind: if at first you don't succeed then try, try again. Whether you are searching for that Right Person or that person for Right Now, the twenty-something dating scene is terribly exhausting. At this point you figure, between nun-chucks and all out facial assaults, what's there to lose...one bitten, twice shy.

War stories straight from the cube file cabinets? Sure. Here is some 'hypothetical' twenty-something insight on how to lose a girl in 10 ways. Consider a weekend gone wrong for our fellow cube chica:

#1- Just because you were the captain of every sports team in high school, doesn't mean you should show up wearing your cut-off high school basketball tshirt 6 years after you graduate high school when you visit your high school girlfriend

#2- Don't bring her to a hibachi grill and as she is scarfing her rice and she asks why you're not eating, you tell her you're trying to lose weight and you're not eating carbs

#3-Strawberries are an aphrodisiac. If she's sitting there feeding them to herself and you're still avoiding carbs and wont eat them... get the fuck out of my apartment

#4- If you tell me how perfect or how beautiful I am one more time (after 20 times in one morning) I will punch my own pretty face to get you to stop saying it

#5 dont ever show up at my apartment reeking of cig smoke and crawl in my bed with your stinky disgusting dirty self and tell me your friend puked all over you in the limo

#7 (oh wait make this number 6) dont lay in bed with me after i havent dated you in 5 years and tell me you want me to be your wife in the near future and try to discuss how many kids you want to have together...again get the fuck out of my apartment

#7 do not send me flowers after i am clearly not feeling you after that adventurous weekend. the flowers make it 3243265436753 worse

[HookerJones models for us the Epic Flower Fail so that our story teller may remain anonymous...see how she innocently pretends to act excited, yet the hand-flop clearly indicates "I'm so over this guy"?]

Enough said. The dude in this 'hypothetical' situation didn't make it to 10. My own shitshows don't usually make it past 3. And so it's back to the drawing board. Fundamentals people. Less is more. Kind of like Snooki's one piece bathing suit theory...

Also. The new kid (who sits next to me) keeps calling me Shannon. Not sure how to break it to him otherwise. Since I say my name every time I pick up the phone.