Throwback

There was a voicemail waiting for me when I got to my cube. So delighted, thinking it was a client, I played the message. Nope. It was my drunk ass college roommate. She just finished her first year of med school, living comfortably in that bubble of exams, alcohol, and debauchery. Bitch used to lay out the trash cans for my Wednesday waste cases. My how the tables have turned. Of course I played it on speakerphone. And cursed life as I settled in my sequined shirt for a fabulous Friday making small talk with uninteresting bean counters and automated machines.

Sometimes I wonder...

Last night I was talking to a non-cubicle friend, Andrew, who is building spy planes for the US Department of Defense/Homeland Security. He's 20.
His words, "yeah, not a lot of people can do what I do..."

My response..."Oh. Well I blog."

(Ha. What have YOU accomplished today?)

Rest assured that while most of us drank away our higher education and sit safely behind a computer screen, Andrew is saving America.

Life can't be all about contacts and contracts. There is so much more out there. A world beyond Cubicle Land - untapped, untamed. There are consumers who have money to spend! Why can't I just sell coffee?? Moon Shoes??? People would actually be coming TO me for my wonderful product line! Throwing their monies in the register! How about bringing some joy into a child's life?

It feels like this so-called 'world' is really the 90s. And we missed it. We twenty-somethings are fighting our way into the...Google dominated, Puerto Rican statehood seeking, Moon Shoe-LESS...world.

Time for a teenie bopper throwback. And because it is cruise season, summer time girls got it goin' on. Shake and boogie to a beep-bop song...

Associate Spotlight: Nick Crook

Today, some dentist was irritated with Nick's audacity to call said dentist on behalf of said dentist's association...."Nick Crook. Ha, well, isn't that a nice name for a telemarketer." Oh doc, you are so clever. Wait til you have the pleasure of meeting our very own Kyle Hiscock. Pleasure indeed.


Back to Nick Crook. Known as Nick. Actually. And he's the soft-spoken, 'Sir, Sir'-ing, young gentleman in the cube by the Atrium window. Corkey has Nick all to himself. Ladies, please thank Nick for removing any additional carbohydrates from The Office. After all. It is cruise season.

P.I.M.P.

So yesterday my mom had her cell phone in hand and asked, "Do you know what P-I-M-P stands for???" She was absolutely tickled with delight.

Naturally, I'm thinking: Duh, pimps is people too. Wrong. PIMP, in short-hand text, actually stands for 'peeing in my pants'. Can be grouped with "lol" and "LMAO" and "rotfl", but a lot weirder. Who is contaminating the masterfully-crafted verbage of texting technology with crap like 'peeing in my pants'?

For some one who takes things very literally, and learns visually, my mind goes a step further and I actually picture my friends "rolling on the floor laughing"... so come to find that Mom is PIMP, you can imagine that I become uncomfortable and terribly judgmental.

Seriously, with the way that behavior is changing - I'm sure you yourself are communicating much differently than the way you were even 2 years ago, right Miz? That's right, go screw. And go dial. Apparently I've been called out and need to put 'something good' up. So as I struggle to even produce a single telephone call, let me answer the call to blog.

Nothing irritates me more than the ladies on the 2nd floor hopping on the elevator to get to the 3rd. Do they not see everything that the First Lady is doing to end childhood obesity in America? It's an epidemic. Furthermore: it's cruise season.

And although I'm lining up the voodoo dolls of cubies who get to go, the warm weather has put me in a giving mood. Plus it's got me thinking about my spring wardrobe vs. my winter body...in-cube exercises include Chair Squats and Coffee Cup Curls:



For more tips please refer to health expert, Yudi Kerbel (there's some legit stuff there. Apparently young Yudi empathizes with our situation because he spends "half his day stuck in an office in front of a computer, and the other half in the gym training people"...that's genuine. That's also lacking complete credibility. Surely Yudi's never had to do the talking-tango with any Rhondas or Peggys. And he's probably allotted more than three sick days per year, has never had 4 of J.Cosco's 'important' voicemails dropped on his extension within a half hour, or been assaulted by the bus stop gang on your way to The Office. Sure he understands the stresses of cubicle life. Yudi's like our very own Yoda.)

At any rate, I'm totally "PIMP" right now - blowing up two Associations in one day. Should that be considered a record or grounds for termination?

PANIC BUTTON!!!!!!!!!!!!!

cute overload

Definitely just threw up in my mouth. Not only would my college pal, Spader, burst into tears at this website, but J-woww is legit going to lose her shit.

GAG.

Calling the Bluff.

Today we learn about the real objection. Basically, when some one asks you a question, you may have to do some digging. Like when your manager says "Do you have plans tonight?", they really mean "Cancel your plans for tonight and stay late." Or if a miserable Office Manager tells you "Oh, the doctor will call you back," she really means, "Don't hold your breath, jackass."

Recognizing the real objection is also very relevant to every day life. For example, a twenty-something's, "Want to watch a movie?" is actually, "Get over here. I told my roommate to sleep somewhere else tonight."

In terms of homeland security, we can all sleep soundly thanks to CNN for their shout out on How To Spot An Illegal Immigrant. Please watch the following clip, pass on the tips to promote segregation and racial profiling. Keep your eye on Arizona's police chief, there's something fishy about that character:

So while we're spotting fakes...

Heidi Montag finally broke the news to her parents on "The Hills" season finale about her 10 plastic surgery procedures. Surely they were completely clueless.

Don't forget...

Jake Pevelka...the latest 'Bachelor'...who cried when he was voted off DWTS. Cried. After being booted from a dancing show. GOOD GOD MAN. You have no business being a dude, turn in your pilot's wings and grab your red high heels. See you for apple-tinis at happy hour.

And finally...

This packaging is just a cover for the kilo of cocaine you get for sending in three proofs of purchase (shipping not included).

Don't be duped. Stay on your A-game.

Corporate Crunch

ATTENTION!!!

There has been a disconnect in proper nutrition and our fiber intake.

Hanks has deduced and done some efficient number crunching: we all need to eat 189 carrots each day to hit our daily fiber goal.

A Trip Down Memory Lane...

Around this time last year, I was diligently procrastinating for my finals. Despite my seemingly "put-togetherness", I'm a terrible student. Mainly because there's no point in paying some one to tell me what Google will give me for free. Also because I drink a LOT of coffee.

This life philosophy has really done wonders for me. One afternoon, post 8-hr cram session at the library, I started my walk back to the apartment. It was a mild spring afternoon but when the campus short-bus pulled up to its library stop, I jumped aboard in my typical 'second semester senior' fashion to avoid the crippling 4-minute walk.

Aboard the short-bus, reflecting on the past four years...semesters gone, shenanigans galore...so caught up in nostalgia, I completely missed my stop.

I could have stood up at any point...in a small college town, the longest walk to anywhere wasn't more than 10 minutes. But no. Stricken by fear, I rode the short bus for a solid hour and ended up at Wal-Mart. Stranded, I sat on the bench outside the supercenter and waited for my roommate to pick me up. Not the first time she had to come to my rescue either.

But Snooki's latest bar brawl has me beaming with pride over my bar fight senior year. This past Saturday, Snooki decided to bear her claws and slap a man, started a food fight and threw her drink on him. As for me, some fraternity moron poured his Jack/Coke on me. Probably didn't expect I could throw a right hook...but basically, I won and fraternity moron was thrown out. Why do dudes gotta be hating on chicks like me and Snooki?

And as the day comes full circle, the hold music for an attorney's office was Shaggy's "Angel". Nothing says "let me represent you in court" like a rap-tastic love ballad. It's a classic. So for the good ol' days, and my shawty Snooki...