Ants Marching

The ants go marching one-by-one hoorah. hoorah.

Everyone else in the company has the day-off. day-off.

Literally, the only people in The Office are ELL Sales.

So instead of kicking back, we are kicking it up and starting off 2010 the right way. Because while everyone is napping, painting their nails, shopping for their New Years outfit, catching up on SportsCenter, the 9th and 10th floors are busy getting ahead.

Consider the traditional pig-in-a-blanket: a meat and rice mixure, combined and rolled in a cabbage leaf - slow-cooked in V8 juice and tomato sauce. See how much more cultured we all are now (thanks to My Homie). Whoever is out of The Office is that much further behind.

But if we did decide to reward ourselves with the afternoon off, nobody would be around to stop us.

Set up for success. Set up your goals.

Received a call today from a random number...(no dude, I'm not Javier). I politely informed the little foreign man that he had the wrong number. He called again. And of course, third time's the charm. Pepe - take a hint!

Reflecting on this year: Louis thanks for a great 6 months at The Office...and thanks for not yelling at my terrified, struggling twenty-something self. And thanks for the shots of Maker's Mark - oops!

Marching, marching. Time to smile and dial.

Staring Contest with the Cube Wall

If you know what you're worth, then go out and get what you're worth.

....and shake whatcha momma gave ya.

I hate those days where you feel like you're in a constant caffeine crash. When that short-lived, irritating sensation that one normally experiences circa 2:30pm is sustained throughout the day. Result: puffy eyes, slight head-ache, drooling, and extremely short temper (but hilarity factor quadruples).

My eyes are also going cross when I blink.

I could go for a massage. Or as C-dawg would have it, a full-hour tickle. wtf.


While Upper Management and all other departments are enjoying a day off tomorrow, I'll be contemplating my future and goals for 2010. aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa


oops. that was actually the result of me falling asleep at my desk/keyboard. good thing my phone rang.

On the Market

Fish market. Stock market. Cube market?

Maybe I'm just The Office's secret weapon - weeding out the weaklings. The cube across from me is empty. Sorry New Guy, we had a good run.

Looks like once again, NLSts is on the prowl. This time it's for a new podmate. At least the situation has potential, provided that HR follows the specific guidelines from the Inner Office Memo.

In light of the up-coming holiday, tis the season for new outfits and accessories. The Butler telephoned a local shoe store to inquire about their selection of gold heels. Friendly Shoe Store Lady was quite rude and blunt during their 30 second exchange.

So we had Chi-chetti ring Friendly Shoe Store Lady, "Hi. Do you have any black shoes?" HookerJones suggested he call back asking for silver sparkling heels - in men's. Incidentally this amused me for a solid 30 minutes. Incidentally this is not that funny. BuckWild suggested asking for Dick Licker. That could be interesting. Playing Chuck, Fuck, or Marry? during lunch today was much more exciting.

Because the events in my life cease to entertain: my sister is moving back home. Now, I'm hardly a struggling twenty-something. Living at home hasn't completely crushed my soul.

But here's how I evaluate the under-aged invader: my sister's 19. she's just having fun. everyone takes a different path and honestly, college isn't for everyone. she's a good kid. she'll figure it out. thing is, she had a scholarship. thing is, she partied hard and studied not hard and is subsequently no longer eligible for her scholarship. naturally she's being rewarded with a car.

And when Ma and Pa start to get insecure about the fact that their middle child is now attending (God forbid.)....community college!....guess who'll be the one they'll tear down to build themselves up?

Understand that when I'm a parent, I may do the same exact things that my parents do. I may have that "ah-ha" moment of understanding and inner peace where unrelenting empathy will settle in and EVERYTHING that my parents have EVER done will suddenly make sense. Again, that's entirely hypothetical. Right now I'm 22...I'm the entitled, selfish first-born; and the whole thing seems pretty effed up. Couldn't pick me up on the side of the highway when my car broke down but, please, reward her failures.

Housing market - anyone?

Spreading Christmas Cheer

THE BEST WAY TO SPREAD CHRISTMAS CHEER IS SINGING LOUD FOR ALL TO HEAR!

...or by wearing your apple-bottoms and boots with the furrrr. Personally, a touch of Bailey's does the trick.

Cube Chat

RockyRacoon: "B-fab, did you booty drop?"
B-fab: "AND I SMACKED IT"

((see Drop It Low - Ester Dean (feat. Chris Brown) ))
______________________________________


Alas since I'm without any liquer for my morning cup of coffee, I'll have to settle for some classic xmas tunes. Christmas with the Rat Pack and Vince Guaraldi's Charlie Brown Christmas. Later we'll throw it down with Lady Gaga and Cobra Starship.

Please, while you dish out your spare change today to the Salvation Army bucket, consider HookerJones' new fund. Drop a dime in the Plastic Surgery Fund at her cube - it's more of a security fund.

Merry Christmas/Happy Hanukkah/Happy Kwanza/Merry Festivus

Last Ditch

Why is it that a headset makes me feel more official? It's like the Italian in me has taken over. Almost spilled the coffee, the water bottle and the hand sanitizer with all this high energy hand-waving. As if the liberation of my arms have given me a new sense of authority. Now if only I could get my hands on a Snuggie.

Originally the "Slanket", this sleeved blanket was invented in 1998 by Gary Clegg. $5 million in sales since 2008 - seriously? Lucky bastard.

RickyRacoon has been hazed. Who put up "OOGLE.COM" on her computer? The real question is....who wouldn't???

Forget it. No work is getting done right nowwwwww.

xoxox!

I believe in shopping cart karma.

Also, if you hang up on some one, remember that payback's a bitch. There's nothing like a holiday that will crush a telemarketer's soul. And a magnet that says "Home is Where Your Mom Is".

(sales exec KT passed down the trinket that I gifted her for her latest...27th...birthday. it was funny then. but now that she's buying a house, moving out of her parent's home and passing it on to me, the humor is lost.)

The pod has an interim member in from Chicago - RockyRacoon. She'll be taking the place of The Butler, who is on medical leave for having her wisdom teeth pulled (yikes!). Hang in there kiddo the swelling will subside!

I digress. I looked like a chipmunk before and after wisdom teeth surgery. In fact today I approached HookerJones at her cube. With a Fireball candy in my mouth I told her to guess which cheek the ball was in. She guessed right. But I swear it's cuz she cheated. Perhaps we're all losing our minds.

HookerJones thinks that July 4th was the year that we declared our independence.

A Cubicle Land Christmas

Twas the week before Christmas

and all through the Land

there seemed a cheerful air

(or maybe they replaced the building fan)

"Come one, come all -

gather round the tree!"

B-fab called out

to all of us with glee

And it was there we shared fond memories and good cheer, passing out Secret Santa gifts - for most, 'twas our first corporate Christmas!

Now. Time for the company party. Blue Light, anyone?