Thursday Notions

In a non-specific order, these points need your immediate attention:

Come on!:Why are Ron Paul (rue paul??) and Mitt Romney at the forefront of the 2012 presidential race?  Apparently one of them made a dig at the Kardashians...here's the quote from Mittens "the Kitten': “You know, I’ve been looking at some video clips on YouTube, of president Obama, then candidate Obama, going through Iowa making promises. The gap between his promises and his performance is the largest I’ve seen since, well, the Kardashian wedding and the promise of ’til death do us part.”  -   That happened months ago and Americans are over it.  It's weird how politicians ask people for a ton of money and then spend their free time taking a crack at comedy.  I'm voting Daily Show Jon Stewart for president if that's the case.  At least his material is on point.  Hard.

Bought a new car:  Wondering how long it will throw my creeper off the trail...

Journalism continues to make strides: If you are a first-time home cheesemaker, D&C says to go with ricotta.

Found an old family photo:  It's wretched.  The Chinese looking ogre in the back is me:

 ((Lin...what happened to your eye brows?))

Gympact App probably worth it

Radio personalities were chatting up this sweet new app, Gympact.  Basically you enter your credit card info, register you gym/local fitness facility, and schedule out your days of the week that you plan on going there.  You get to 'incentivize your exercise' - except that incentivize is not a word.

Because of the new stalker edition of smartphones, the app will be able to register your location, date, time (but hey! at least it can't watch you park your car!).  BUT!  If you cop out on your gym time, it will CHARGE YOUR CREDIT CARD whatever monetary penalty you opted - how bout that??  As the app collects these charges from the slackers and pools the monies to pay people who DID go on their days/times.  BOOM.

That's pretty cool.  I'd like to get paid to go to the gym.  Except that the health and overall wellness rewards are not a bad pay-off.  Weird right?  That juicer dude, Jack LaLanne said, "Your health is your fitness wealth," (or something.)  What's it worth to you?  So app that shit if you are on the fence about your saddle bags.

Think about it for a moment.  You may absolutely loathe going to the gym.  But do you love being fat?  Working out is kind of the lesser of two evils.  Either run around for an hour and sweat a little, or look like a cow in holiday pictures for years and years for everyone to see for forever.  Ah, memories.

sealed with a kiss.

I'm not allowed to blog about it.

*sigh*

"I watched you park your car this morning"

Season's greetings!  It's that time of year where we sing, cheer, and grope each other under the mistletoe or in the copy room.  But it's also that time of year where the office creeper may take your friendly smile for a 'come and get it' grin.  Where do they find such whack-jobs anyways?  What matters most, is that they usually find me...

Two years ago, a young man sent me a very crude photo of female body parts.  When I asked him why he'd do such a thing, he replied, "Cuz I thought it'd get you going."  Hey now!  If my lack of cleavage didn't give the green light, then it was definitely the Beanie Babies lining my cube...

My latest creeper is the poster man-child for everything you shouldn't say when trying to pick up chicks:

• "I watched you park your car this morning."
• "Yeah sorry I was like out of breath.  I wasn't mad at you I just got back from the gym - sore muscles, all hurty! stewpit squats!"
• "okay 4get i said anything apparently it's taboo to say thank u when somebody offers you lunch."
• "bonjour. been trying not to bug ya but have u heard anything about my snail mail letter?"

And here's a fun exchange:

Dude: we NEED customers listening to this and based on the attendee list the marketing didn't work

by the 3rd webinar it will be ALL us peeps lol

12:00 PM

Me: 1/3 of listeners were external...not too bad actually

12:03 PM

Dude: % wise yes.

typically direct marketing yields about a 4% response.

i assuming the email went out to about 20k people

1/3 of 25 attendees is what? 8? 8 of 20k is .04%.

12:11 PM:

Dude: fyi that is in no way a reflection of ur contribution

1:44 PM

Dude: btw...whats ur ext?

Don't worry.  I started wearing a fake diamond ring.  LAUGH.

New Year's Confession

AshCash just made mammoth steps for mankind.

Instead of that New Year's Resolution join-a-gym crap...close out 2011 with your New Year's Confession.

HARD.

Let's turn up that heat and put five fingers up and never-have-i-ever (except i totally did) the hell out of this post.  If you don't have any shame-shames to share, please remember that this is a judge free zone.  Like the halls of a college dorm.  Or 5am group class.

I can't really contribute.  Other than getting caught in the most compromising position (in the laundry room.  by my grandmother.  and yes, everybody knows), it's just been like, a really dull year.  Hmmm. Welp. Good chat!

follow up.  to be continued...please stand by.

Territorial Chip Moment

Most of the time.  I can keep my cool.  Most. Of. The. Time:

I met some friends out at a bar after bingo (holla.), and a few former co-workers were present.  Why I love seeing old cubies?  Because we gush about how much better our lives are in the aftermath.  And by gush I mean to say - we play a little game of "my life's better" - flash dat biz card #impact

So one of the cute girls from production was there, all done up.  She ordered this WHOPPING plate of 'tatoe skins that were steaming and dripping cheesy goodness.  Topped with little bits of happiness aka bacon.  Heads were turning.  I belted out "oh. my. god.  what are thosssse' [insert bedroom eyes...and drool]

Girl from Production whipped her hair around, and hits me with: "it's my cheat day."


...oh.  so you're not gonna share?

Enjoy that platter.  Let me get you some complimentary Bingo dabbers to go with dat ass...*ahem* ...sass.

Occupy this *****

J-fizz and I hit up downtown on a Saturday afternoon.  It seemed a little strange that there were homeless people sitting on park benches, watching rich kids pitch camping tents on their turf.  Can somebody please explain to me this "Occupy" nonsense?  Those tv interviews must be great.  Kinda like when Obama was running for president...

NewsAnchor: "So, tell us why Mr. Barack Obama should be president!"
LiberalKid: "Uh, well becausssssse he would change history!!!"

Really?  Did President Obama change history - or was it the color of his skin that changed an historically long-standing pattern of rich white boys leading this country?  Just saying.

So Occupy the shit out of this: at the gym, J-fizz's peep, EZ-E hit a home run with his t-shirt tagline

"Occupy my pants - I just pitched a tent"

Das right, EZ just blew your mind.  Brand that.  Hard.  And use the profits to get us out of this economic time-bomb.

Oh, and RichieRich had something to say about a nudist colony.  But save that for a rainy day.