All marvel at my Google prowess.

You may not know this.  But I have a gift.

In college we had a research day that required for one of my MGMT classes. Ensue an entire 80 minutes of lecture from the dusty librarian man.  He put this small curved object on the podium - travel size  and the first person to give him the proper term for the object would win.

GUESS WHO OWNED THAT COMPETITION.

Bam.

I didn't think anything of it then.  Whatever.  Google that shit, get a certificate.

But now?  Hit me up with whatever - Need a reverse phone number look up?  I'll GTS that and correlate the findings with a church bulletin.  Results within 15 minutes (don't ask).  Master of my craft.

So today:

Ne-Yo: I hereby now commission you to provide me a service...
>> find a website dedicated to Auto-Correct mishaps 

if such a site exists not, create it 

with a "what was sent vs. what was meant" column

me: ha i'm sure that exists 

and that it's epic

Ne-Yo: DISCOVER IT

me: i'll do my darndest

Ne-Yo: I'm scouring 

with no luck 

me: really?

Ne-Yo: you're more connected than I am

me: it's true. i've got a gift

Ne-Yo: I'm anxiously awaiting your results

me: give me 5 minutes

Sent at 3:11 PM on Wednesday

me: you're welcome: http://www.redpenbrigade.com/?cat=41
...ish.

Sent at 3:16 PM on Wednesday

Ne-Yo: I didn't see a series of text messages lol

me: you didn't specify

Ne-Yo:yes I did! 

auto correct mistakes!

Sent at 3:19 PM on Wednesday

me: bitches i'm ill.
http://damnyouautocorrect.com/ 

also...http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/9885737-oops

That's right.  Bitches I'm ill.

apparently the post "Welcome!" doesn't want to load.

That's what I get for jamming up the Palm OS software.

The picture J-woww and G-babe were missing out on:

Yop.  You know where to find me.

Random firings [of a thoughtless mind.]

>>> Wanna know what goes on inside muh br@insss????

Cube chat - the guys were discussing Brett Favre's latest lawsuit against him.  two massage therapists came forward with stories, Jamieson was weighing in with a female perspective.  saying that the ladies were probably flirting with Favre and welcoming his attention... aka putting out.  [welp, saw a pic of those chicks.  could they be pissed he maybe shot them down??  woof.  truth hurts.]

Kanye West's 'Monster' - new music video leaked last Wednesday [i'm thinkin, right??? this song is straight up stunner.  just sweet effin beats.  music video... an epic let down.  except Nicki Minaj.  she's growing on me.  girl can spit lines.  and youtube already blocked it anyways...but the probably better that it leaked - nobody would have watched it unless it were contraband.  Sesame Street parody of it was sweet though.  hahaha do it right Cookie Monster holler!]

Organizational Change? - [hierarchy begets anarchy...discuss!]

Found an article on why women in their 20s gain weight.  Says they become sedentary or something - [sorry that a 40-hr work week is too demanding?  bull bull BULL.  chances are you're not married and your job doesn't make you enough money to drink more than 2 martinis per weekend.  break it down this way: get your ass off the couch and hit the gym or the streets 3 days out of the week.  quit bitching.  and supplement it with a little coital cardio on the weekends.  see? porker problem solved.  cookie please!]

Tron Guy's homemade costume...[ahahaha. shut. the. front. door.]

There ya have it.  They took me off the phones two months ago.  I never said that was a bad thing.

Welcome!

Bam.  Right on.

Bingo Fever.

Bingo fever is catching on like wild fire!  I've tried intervention like 8 times - Hankins definitely has a gambling problem.  Non-stop.  That fantasy foozeball.  But bingo is something that is totally okay.

AND HE WON $20 FROM THIS SCRATCH OFF!

Ice fruit, monkeys, seals...hotdogs, nacho cheese, no teeth...you don't even want to know the scene that J-fizz and I brave.  And still  no coin!  Try sitting next to some w.t. toothless fairy mowwing down a Zweigles sauced in cheez whiz...wearing Elmo Pajamas.  OOOOhhhh nooooo.  Hankins goes to see Abu Dhabi at the Qwik-E-Mart and thumbs his way to a 200% return on investment.


Realllll cool Hankins.  Ya jerk.  But hey, he's gonna let me try dip!  Sorry Dad all the cool kids do it.  Didn't you hear that the world is ending in 5 months anyways?

Is this little guy not so pumped for the new year??

Uhhhh. I want his life. Be bouncing - no, BOUNDING around like a lil Mexican jumping bean [insert 'beaner' joke here]. This little guy is absolutely loving life. So hard.

Okay. So here's the thing. I don't do much web surfing. Unless the mood (or random J-fizz text message) strikes me. And I'm terrified that my history is being tracked and that the wall sockets are aliens...joking.

I digress.

At 12pm last Thursday, J-woww (not to be confused with J-fizz) awoke me from the cube coma for a little fresh air and errands with PaulyC. Btw. That's when every businessman ever is running errands. Hope that your GPS isn't on the fritz. PaulyC stopped at the insurance place and picked us up some complimentary calendars. Some sort of traditional marketing that companies still waste their advertising budgets on. Like foam stress ball stars. Instead of immediately marking my birthday, I flipped through to find any/all possible legal vacation days. Get ready for a penguin happy feet dance - Christmas Eve is on a Saturday!

Ah yes. So angular and aesthetically appropriate for all cubies' needs.

The 2:43pm entertainment that gets one through the 2:30 feeling...

J-fizz: May 21 2011 End of world is coming. If you're still around then you were not save. Join the revolution. I am. HA.

me: Wait. WTF.

J-fizz: Seriously. It's all over the web. You better get down and dirty. You have five months.

me: Watch me not get saved. Hard.

Ahhh, got me reflecting. And planning...

So some of the girls came over for sushi/vino tonight. In the name of the new year, and perhaps the Jubilation or whatever, Betty and I were able to recover a long lost email from August of 2010 - a 'for your entertainment' type reading ensued for HP, AshCash, and George. HAHAHAHAHA facial assault, debauchery=from-hell type of epic mortification. Notch!

2011. Let's DO this - [insert penguin jig hurrrr].

blahblahblah-BIG BROTHER-blahblahblah-GIRD YOUR LOINS

Inbox:

All employees will notice a small increase in federal tax
withholdings in their paychecks in 2011. Your first pay check that will be
affected by this is on January 14th.

Happy New Year!

Verbatim.

Welp.  Could be worse.  We could be getting the email warning about the Hep A scare after Christmas communion...[see article].  Face it.  You know that the jerk who contaminated the holy watering hole probably only goes to church on Christmas and Easter.  Suckkkk.