Cubicle Land Theory: The Employee Mindset Timeline

Every business major ever has seen this scheme before. It's your ECON 101 worst nightmare come to fruition, thanks to the law of diminishing returns. Consider,

...basically. MP traditionally stands for Marginal Product. For Cubicle Land Theory's sake, MP now stands for "marginal point of view". Noted by three phases of output/labor. The timeline itself is trivial, merely representative of the x-factor: checkpoints in your time of employment.

Phase 1 [blue hash]: Something old (or outdated, probably the computer in your cubicle), something new (your job). Something borrowed (time), something blue (the fact that you are so effing happy to be promised a regular paycheck!). You are the rookie with a hunger to prove yourself. These are usually college grads, young twenty-somethings looking for their big break. Maybe it's a thiry-year-old dead beat liar in army boots. Extend! Overachieve! This is great feeling. It's corporate bliss.

You just can't get enough of The Office and free supplies...you stay late, jam out to "Eye of the Tiger" during your daily commute, and you are practically running from the parking garage every morning just chomping at the bit for another go at the day. Ughhhh. This honeymoon phase hurts soooooo good.

Light a fire under the asses of your new cubemates. They will hate you for approximately three months. Or until the newer hires arrive. Expect to miss out on happy hours and casual Fridays. But try not to stress, they are just breaking you in.

Phase 2 [red circles]: That grind has paid off. You're in the red...you've hit your stride. Had a great review, or two. Been rewarded with a pay raise, maybe got invited to play 18 holes with The Boss. But eff dude you've proven yourself and if you fuck up, they aren't rookie mistakes. The Boss comes down hard on you for a passive closing routine. You've shown up late to a few 8am meetings.

Phase 3 [black zigs]: Noted by the black zig zags...black like my soul, black like my screen saver. Now you're starting to become paranoid that The Boss is having your calls recorded. Every miserable joke on "The Office" makes perfect sense and you are waiting at the elevator by 4:59pm daily. Hours drag. And at 2:30pm when you get that '2:30 feeling'...you actually fall asleep in your cubicle. No worries though because your trusty cubemate Hankin has your back. Wake up at 3pm and play ball toss. This sinking feeling is quelled by a little ray of hope - that every day here could be your last. And cross your fingers that you'll win the 1965 restored Benz at the Holiday Party. Which is way better than any dollar amount. Til you sell it on eBay for a dollar amount...whoops! But this is just a phase. You'll reset to Phase 1 as soon as you're demoted to researching.

The TP technically 'total product'...but for argument's sake, TP will be defined as 'tipping point'. It is the highest point on the graph. TP is the break point between Phase 2 and Phase 3. Sometimes difficult to delineate, but when you snooze your alarm 4 times, forgo make-up, and pick your outfit straight out of the dryer (in the dark), that's a clear indication you've crossed over.

If you have a garage. I hate you. So hard.

The one thing I miss about living at my parents' ...sneaking my lil Honda in the garage before Mom or Dad got home at night. Or occasionally ganking the keys and pulling a swith-er-oo. And then feeling zero remorse when my lil Honda was toasty and not buried under the abominable snowman in the morning. I was thinking about this while I hacked away at the Mount Everest covering my car with a sandcastle shovel at 4am. Then I thought about mailbox baseball.

So if you have a garage. I hated you so hard this morning. You know what??

Finger-flipping cross walk - Spokane, WA

BAM. That's right. Actually, that's eff you. Reminiscent of the BK FU receipt. Watch out walkers and garagers alike. CE-yo! is on a mission, and imma gitchu.

SUNY coming in ForTheWin

New study suggests that a propensity for one-night stands, uncommitted sex could be genetic

BINGHAMTON, NY – So, he or she has cheated on you for the umpteenth time and their only excuse is: “I just can’t help it.” According to researchers at Binghamton University, State University of New York, they may be right. The propensity for infidelity could very well be in their DNA.

Haha, alright kids let's make this quick and dirty (see what I did there?). Apparently the hit-it-and-quit-it urges run in the family. Avoiding all science-type terminology, you can blame the DRD4 gene. Already linked to sensation-seeking behavior such as alcohol use and gambling.

Prime example? Lindsay. Lohan. (don't mock). You know. Little people aka dwarfs/midgets, inherit a genetic growth hormone defects which makes them...little. Therefore, those with genetic conditions should not be made fun of. I mean. HOW WOULD YOU FEEL???

Colleges offer scholarships for everything from Cheese Enthusiasts to Duct Tape Artists. When SUNY starts shelling out coin for the no-strings coitus candidates...the negotiations better include some condoms and cases of Four Lokos. All I'm sayin.

[A$hCa$h, holler for the find!]

Social Media and Sensory Overload

Recapping the past few days with random tidbits of social media/networking tools.

- @nicole_lilia: Hope the neighbors saw B shoot me up some #H1N1

- text from my boy T: Look up the song jungle fever by chakachas it's playing at thirstys and the title made me think of you it's hilarious [Jungle Fever by Chakachas]

- photo message from J-woww:

"Porch is still awesome in the winter. No wind so I'm warm and able to have some brews after work in the winter :)"

- (OM NOM NOM) coupons! - Leo's Elite Bakery...I used to cruise around The City with a dear friend, back when we were in high school. Our foodie adventures took us to Leo's Elite. And guess what! They've got coupons out for FREE PIE with purchase of any cold cut platter. So. Delish.

- the calm of post-drama violence via Post-It Notes (Hanks/Colby assault) -

examples of The Office petite melodramas. you should see what i write to hankin.

Ahhh. Just another day in Cubicle Land.

"There is no reason to get up at 5am...more egg nog please!"

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

Ailene Brown, 28, and Shmeco Thomas, 37, were busted by a TJ Maxx employee as they tucked away FOUR pairs of boots, THREE pairs of jeans, a wallet and some gloves in the creases under their breasts and across their bellies.

'These two were actually concealing them in areas of their body where excess skin was, underneath their, um, chest area, um, and their armpits and things of that nature. [Daily Mail UK]

Oklahoma is killin it today. Stripper at the airport. Fatties lifting goods in their rolls. Shut the front door. I don't know what you think about a pre-holiday detox but it's clearly overrated. In tough economic times like this, somebody give me a hand lifting this back fat. Mama needs a new pair of shoes.

Figure, what's the loss? I'm already up at 3am anyways.

And now, a WTF Ballad...hilarity ensue...

"Twas the night before Black Friday, and all through the store
not a criminal was lurking. Not even a whore.

As the doors opened at 3am,
two black fat chicks arrived
to hide all the loot in their folds of sour cream and chives.

They made out like bandits between each fold
the cop even found some 14k gold!

Their faces are now
all over the news.
Now dey singing the
big fat blues."

Of course it was TJ Maxx...the midgets can't see over the counter.

**J-Fizz gets all the street creds for this post, to the maxx (TJ Maxx...)**

First Snow!

First of December.  First real snow.

And so the monsoon will ice over perfectly by 5pm.

The Office around the holidays won't be politically correct.  I've made sure of that.  Bout to get Chevy Chase up in this cube; brought the big speakers and bitchin' x-mas tunes that you'll be sick of in 20 minutes.  Don't mind the twinkle lights. 

The flyer for the Holiday Party went out yesterday.  Thanks HR.  We get to cut out by 4pm next Friday (but if you opt out, then stay in The Office til 5) - Employees Only...Cash Bar...FUN...A Special Guest Appearance...and the hotel will be offering discounted room rates for the night ;)

Oh yeahhh, let the merry-making begin!

Run and Tell That: Stripper gives TSA the business

Tammy Banovac, clad in undergarments and sitting in a wheelchair, failed to pass the Transportation Security Administration screening process Tuesday when security officers detected traces of nitrates on her wheelchair.

Shut up. Shut up! Watch her sit, turn head, sit more, observe her surroundings - nothing else.

Hahaha suck it TSA.

Thing is: Definitely thought she was holding a sweater or something? Nope! that is a nasty ass lap dog sitting on her bare body and licking it. Gross.

She wasn't allowed through the check point because traces of nitrate were found on her wheelchair. Scan that dust rag of a dog first.

But with a body like that, and a face lift that she paid a pretty penny for...do you think she really wants to melt it off? Unless you figure that her wheelchair is indicative of a long-term debilitation so that her sugar daddy she was lap dancing has done away with her. Then yeah, she definitely wants to make it rain.

Haha that little kid going through security with his mom. Ohhhhhh his poor mom.

And one more thing.

Report: Walmart Customer Attacks 100-Yr-Old Greeter

I blame the government. There is no way that anyone who has been alive for a CENTURY should be working. Never. Aging is my biggest fear, because when I'm some wrinkly, drooling, smelly old bat that's cane-ing my way over to check a customer's cart, I know I'm gonna get pushed over. And obviously I won't sustain the fall. This biddy is planning on going back to work tomorrow. Get her ass some workers' comp!

Why do they keep us locked up in cubes all day, calling out of state customers? Because in person, we youngins would bowl over every Rhonda/Rita/Shaneequa that ever answered the phone. Not age-ist, not sexist; just survival of the fittest.