Surprise! America's still fat.

Since the 60s, waistlines have been on the rise.

That's a shocker.  At least we Americans know how to capitalize on this.  Nothing brings a smile to my face like Biggest Loser...what are we on like season 28?  And they're only getting bigger (season premier in my cube @ 12pm).  In addition to the FUPA, it costs twice as much to be a fat chick than a fat dude. 

As if clothes shopping wasn't depressing enough...and I'm at the gym every day.  To which J-fizz just says, "wait til you get knocked up."  Thanks J-fizz.

Wednesday Morning Wake Up Call: Up and Running

mid week. yayyy.

• Paris Hilton pleas guilty to drug misdemeanor and Japan won't let her through customs - it's okay guys, we don't want her either. Tramp stamp post mark that one to Sweden...and Lohan too.
• "Distracted driving" is an epidemic - from snail mail to email, dial up to high speed wi-fi, rotary to cellular; every thing else is picking up speed these days...except for morning traffic. So why shouldn't I text HookerJones about the black midget I saw on my way into work? Rude.
• CNN's new blog? - sorry, mine's better.
• The Fountain on Locust voted America's Best Restroom - only in the good ol' USofA (canada too. with their second rate version). Cubicle Land Chronicles now accepting nominees for Land's Best Cubicle.
• "Equality is the prime rib of America," Lady Gaga address senators on 'don't ask don't tell' - yet another gem and yet another reason why your stardom does not equal a graduate degree in politics. p.s. Omaha steaks are the prime rib of America.
  
• Bike-Polo - WTF. I like my men like my cars, strong and built like horses. So stick to whack-a-mole horse polo. Nix the spandex.

Just a thought

every time i read through Texts From Last Night, i think immediately of my sister. because she lives with such...spirit...and has the best. stories. ever. which is not to say i've completely outgrown nights of unabashed immaturity nor am i at any liberty to preach pious bullsh*t to anyone. it's just that, in my efforts to hit a twenty-something stride (and exercising a bit of discretion), i have taken up book clubs and adopted board gaming. wham bam thank you ma'am.

• 
  

  (415): apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window

• 
  

  (517): found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.

• 
  

  (708): She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.

I hate this man sooo hard right now.

The graveyard shift at Wal-Mart got ya dragging? Then load up on caffeine and choke your wife! [insert 'hide ya kids, hide ya wife' joke here]

Outlook for coffee is grim; this cracker choked his wife with an extension chord after "too much soda, caffeine-laced diet pills and the energy drink No Fear," due to lack of sleep. What an asshole.

Can't wait til the good state of Kentucky rules on this one. That's a place where the "thou must bathe once a year" law has been enacted. That's right, law. Also home of the KFC double down...aka heart attack in a sack. Stellar.

No one is going to believe you, you inconsiderate prick. CAFFEINE MAKES ME A MUCH HAPPIER PERSON. Ask HookerJones. It's my lifeline. Every twenty-something ever knows that if you didn't drink coffee after finals week freshman year, then you definitely started drinking when you started your first job (you know. that time you came in after 2 hours of sleep and wayyyy to many car bombs. yeah...that time.).

I'm not trying to have this jerk-off screw with the system. MMMMkay?

Dagger, heart.

Call me an elitist but...Oxford adding mumble jumble like "LOL" and "ttyl" to its pages begs the question - ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND??? We all just got a gagillion times dumber-er.

This starts with a "C" and ends with a "P". It's crap. Some scrawny, four-eyed intern got denied a job at UrbanDictionary.com and has decided to wage war with its traditional arch enemy - the Oxford Dictionary. Child, please!!

LOL and LMAO are a disgrace to the English language. An abomination! Shakespeare in his grave doth roll over. Way to sell out.

They don't put "y'all" on those pages but give the green light for abbreviations. Pump the brakes, contemporary society, pump the brakes. Until there's a definition for CUBE COMA or TWENTY-SOMETHING (fact: twenty-something is not found in the dictionary. i'm starting the petition right now.), then the Oxford English Dictionary is dead to me.

This is why we can't have nice things...

Shake ya tail feather.

I hereby declare this day: The Annual Moustache Day at The Office.

(actually, 9th floor cube dudes get the credit)

"For those seeking to...
Up your sales
Scoop more female companions
Command the attention of the room
And just become an overall better man"

There is nothing more enticing than a bunch of 80s era pedophiles walking around, creeping on you at the coffee machine. FYI fellas...facial hair is kind of icky. As in like gross and creepy. Especially if you're balding and the hair from your head has chosen to migrate to other, less appealing locales...ie ears, back, stomach.

Conveniently enough, while the guys have decided to put forth all efforts to repel the female race with their handlebars, I am sporting my "ready-to-mate" peacock pin to reel 'em in...specifically Nealon...

shake. ya. tail. feather...come and get it!

**peacock feather pin courtesy of Betty.

Birthday day fun and games

We are getting soooo past that whole pin the tail on the donkey thing.  Twenty-something, if it is your birthday today then you need to prepare yourself for a few strong drinks and a good bend.  I mean...

Soooooo happy birthday to Miss FaLaLa*!  And Warren too.

Courtesy of Corkey and his master mind - let's play a riling game of

GUESS

THAT

 CUBE

Jn each picture there will be an object.  Guess what cube it's from...(Corkey only went to a mediocre state school.  sorry).

This one's easy:

Curveball:

Grand Finale - thanks to the BDAY GIRL FALALA*:

happy birthday cube chica!
hide ya kids. hide ya wife.
and hide ya construction hats!

Welcome to 22!  and welcome to your twenty-something stride.
Words of advice a la Cubicle Land: when in doubt...put out.

Holla!!