Passing on my legacy, living vicariously.

This is a preemptive alumni-slash-college-nostalgia post.

My former teammate, Mac, is absolutely crushing it overseas in Espana these days. Huh...what's that like? Now a senior at my alma mater, I like to think that she will be carrying on my legacy as VP of our ice hockey team this season. I also like to think that I've set high expectations and low standards when it comes to life experiences. I'm inspirational like that.

And now she's following in my shoes with her very own blog!! First hand travel accounts of Mac and her roommate: Travel Goggles. Expect nothing short of epic.

Back in my day I went to Santiago, Chile - South America for four weeks. Don't think I slept at all. It started with an earthquake at the Colombian airport and me arriving at my host family's circa 5am, having to scale a 15ft wrought-iron fence...and ended with me almost needing a wheelchair to disembark at JFK. Have a taste:

Not only do I bring great honor to friends and family by walk-of-shaming through American airports [in a barely-there bumble bee costume and heels], but I've also left my mark across the hemisphere...The last night in Santiago, our group went to this insane underground disco. From that night I recall like one song; the next thing I remember was lying on the floor at mi casa after violently rejecting every ounce of alcohol and "aburitos" in my stomach. Thank God my host brothers and Alison, the other American, got in from their nights circa 3am, otherwise I would have missed my 5am flight - the taxi that I had scheduled with my pristine Spanish, as we found out, was going to arrive 24 hours later than necessary.

Who threw up out the taxi window, speeding down Santiago's main drag? Who tried to apply for a job at the Dunkin Donuts in Santiago's international airport? Who had to rip off the top of a garbage can in the middle of the Colombian airport to blow chunks in front of families and innocent by-standers? Who was the girl, ass-up in the garbage can, that the airport worker zipped over to assist (with a wheel-chair)? I can proudly say that I did make my way back to New York without the help of a wheelchair.

So go ahead Mac. Follow in my footsteps. That's a trainwreck you definitely want to be on.

vp1 and vp2

WOMAN THROWS ACID ON HER OWN FACE AND ADMITS IT

This is...well, was...the face of a woman who faked an acid attack. Then admitted it. What an ass hat.

Now. I have been known to throw a few fakes in every now and then *ahem*. But this dumb Canadian bitch gets to look like she was mauled by a grizzly for the rest of her life and doesn't even have a worthwhile case:

According to Storro's claim, she had just bought a pair of sunglasses and was celebrating a new job when a woman walked up to her with a cup and said: "Hey pretty girl, do you want to drink this?"[some website]

Like. Nobody's going to walk up to some Jersey Shore wannabe, fist pumping with her shades and gettin all crazy, and just throw acid on them. It doesn't happen. Sorry. One of my VPs gave me a cigar last week - of course I was obligated to enjoy it. So we are all outside the bar, and I've got this Cuban the size of a child's arm s hanging out of my mouth (classy.). And doesn't everybody want a piece? This rando walks up and goes "like omggg where did you get that cigar??" - I told her "my boss gave it to me!" - she goes "ohhh. did you get a promotion??" - I said "NOPE. I got a cigar." Not a cup of acid to my face.

When was the last time you and your friends went to happy hour with flasks of acid thinking, "ohhhh some recently-promoted jerk off is really gonna get it tonight...especially if they are wearing new sunglasses."

Only Quasimodo is gonna wanna bang this mama. Good luck with that socialist Canadian health care and the mounted police with their little red jackets. You can grab your brown paper bag and go shave your back now.

That depends on what you're into.

 

To just slam some drinks, a couple experimental shots, and then hang out with a bowl of Fruity Pebbles on a lazy afternoon. Huh. What's that like?

Listen, Nealon.  I have a lot of obligations these days.  From dialing, to blogging, to 'always be closing'.  Not everyone can kick back like that.  Is somebody a little jealous they aren't getting as much facetime?  Or am I really just losing me touch...OMG.  I mean "my touch".  Eff - a couple endorphins can really go straight to one's head.  Somebody get me a Rhonda!

Jamieson lives near this exact local bar scene.  Twenty-something success.  But then again.  She just bought a mini van...Moving on.  She sees a lot of lounging and twenty-something trainwreckage...kinda how last night she heard this:

drunk ass chick: "OMG I AM SO WASTED RIGHT NOWWW"
some dude: "hey baby don't even worry about it, my car's right here..."

Yes, my legs were about to give out, I couldn't go on and now I'll just give it up.  Wham bam, thank you ma'am.  DanTheMan's got a different sort of approach.  Seriously is this a blow job?  That depends on what you're into...*awkward pause*

Cannot believe we have that on recording.

Let's Vajazzle!!

Kane-O got a hair cut yesterday (actual hair cut). The salon was advertising for this EXCITING NEW VAJAZZLE. My newest issue of Cosmopolitan was giving out the goods on 'gift wrapping' the goods...vajazzling is "To give the female 'yoo-hoo' a sparkly makeover with crystals so as to enhance their appearance".

It's all the rage these days. And apparently, The City is not going to be left off this bandwagon of aesthetically upgrading the goods.

We had J-woww call the salon to further inquire about this brand new procedure:

• What is the starting cost...is it dependent upon surface area?
• If, per se, one has allergies. What types of adhesive options are offered?
• Does the 'jazzle' come in a variety of colors/sizes?
• Let's talk mileage...how long does a 'jazzling' last? Is there a Delta Sonic sort of promise where you can get the job re-done if it gets dirty within the first 24-hrs?

All we got was "yeahhh...Sara handles that. she doesn't have any set prices. do you want to leave a number for her to call you?"

Ha. Handle. Refer to official vajazzling site for any further vajazzling questions: http://www.vajazzling.com/

Can I get a 'WHAM BAM THANK YOU MA'AM'??

Forgot this one...

I meannn...didn't really forget this song.  It deserves a post all on its own.

Here.  Allow me to decipher the hipster mentality.

"I'm a too-cool-for-school know-it-all.  I have a lot of flair and style and I reject society's restraints on creativity.  In all of my efforts to just 'be me', I have become just a piece of the hipster underground and have again been lost in the crowd.  Only Wal-Mart will hire me because I refuse to wear anything but skinny jeans and Converse.  I'm like soooo cooooool.  And completely opinionated, but in a mind numbing, liberal sort of way."

Newsflash, kiddos.  Stay in school and try to conform.  At least you'll have a shot at making some coin.  Or you could live out of the Salvation Army shopping bags of 'must have' hand-me-downs.

Wednesday Morning Wake Up Call

Wake up!  Wake up!

Got a few good 'beets' for you to get it going and down to 'business'.  In The Office today, we're all street.

Yeahhh, we know it's half way to the weekend...but not quite.  Don't feel 'guilty' about daydreaming-and-or-surfing-the-web.  But effin' snap out of it.

Bring out that little 'umph' that is in ya, just jones'ing for the weekend - and put it to use.

'Hop' to it!

[Colby gets cred for the new Jam Sesh on the right..."You Lost Me" - Christina Aguilera]

Hard Knocks, Knocked Out

[TV Azteca's Ina Sainz, 2007]

Does that look like a lady who is phased by 'hooting and hollering' from any football team?

Female reporter, Ines Sainz, and her camera woman had an interview with QB1 Mark Sanchez. love mark sanchez. Overthrown passes her way, twitter from the guys in the locker room. Amen, right Suga? I know Suga loves his Jets.

So now there's a full-blown sexual harassment issue at hand.

What most likely happened was the camera woman got pissed that Ina Sainz (aka former Miss Spain) was casting a shadow with her sparkly crown and spring break bod - so camera woman cried lawsuit to the NFL.

Jealousy is an ugly stepsister. Jets gotta really toe the line on this one. They're the focus of some series. Hard...something? Hard Knocks, I believe. love mark sanchez.

Sainz said Monday that Jets owner Woody Johnson called her to apologize. ESPNNewYork.com reported earlier Monday that Johnson said he offered an "open apology" to her. [FoxNews]

There are two things going on...firstly: the reporter chick was CLUELESSSSS. Her response was, “I was surprised to wake up on Sunday and have a call from the NFL , saying that they wanted to talk to me about what had happened at the Jets; and I asked… what happened?"

As my kid brother would say: "Is it not problem that women have smaller brain?"

And secondly: Woody. Johnson. Are we sure it's Hard Knocks?

Speaking of jealousy and ugly stepsisters...


eeeeeeeeee!!!