Love Life

Lacking material and lacking motivation....after all, it's Fat Tuesday (and we're still recently in the wake of Valentine's Day).

So today there's a special feature. Let's all welcome guest blogger, HookerJones.

Hey Hooker!

HookerJones emailed the pod today. Subject line: Love Life

It was a simple article about simple people of simple means...simple people at the bottom of the corporate food chain; the cubicle cronies. And although it seemed a lot like medieval prophets preaching religion to the peasants, we were all able to squeeze some bits of comfort from the article. Like maybe it's not about amassing insane amounts of money to afford all of our luxuries and vices, but perhaps it's about making time for the things we enjoy (and therefore the material things will no longer be needed to pacify our morale).

Sorry for any negative vibes. Allow me to crank the optimism. A job is a job. It's a paycheck. We don't live to work, we work to live...and living's the Pay Day Dinners with the girls and some extra change to spend and concert tickets and taking a random day off. That's the good stuff.

Also there's some long forgotten mistletoe hanging over the row. Um, one of the new guys...report to the center of the row. Right now.

"How To Make It In America"

Sweet twenty-something perfection!!!

HBO's new series, "How To Make It In America", is all about a couple of hometown pals trying to make it. See? Didn't I say it's all gonna go back to the little man; the individuals??

There's a lot to be said for this...like the mass appeal it could have. But. After some diligent Google searching, with the 40million HBO subscribers and 114.9million homes with televisions in the USofA, I'm sensing a disconnect.

Cuz if one thing is certain, unless you're part of the upper crust (or still riding the wave at your parent's house), then no twenty-something is going to have effin' HBO. Hence, if you're part of the upper crust you probably A) can't relate and B) can rest assured that you've pretty much already made it (or had it made by someone else for you).

Seriously. If I'm really trying to 'make it', my 4:10am-11pm day tends to wrap up with 30seconds of conscious tv viewing circa 11:01pm; at which point I become comatose. Thus, a twenty-something living on their own and paying rent, car payments, insurance, etc will likely NOT be able to afford more than basic cable and will likely NOT be able to afford 60 minutes of engaged viewership.

Being a part of the boomerang gang, I'll venture a guess that plenty of us are still parking it at the parental crib. That'll make up for any data 'disconnect' that I just argued. But then again I really was just arguing for argument's sake.

Conveniently the first episode of "How to Make it in America" is a freeeee iTunes download this week!! Holler! So now you'll have it, commercial-free, for your dreary morning commute. Or you can bum it in your free time. Now we're talking.

Looking forward to an official review of the first episode.

The Seeds of Entreprenuership

Forget this. I'm opening up a flower shop.

It will be called Flowers & Fortunes.

Flowers for flowers. Duh. Fortunes because HookerJones will be hired as the company soothsayer. It'll be like a 2-f0r-1 special. Buy flowers for your loved one, find out if they actually love you.

The Butler will launch all commercials and promotional campaigns. But instead of a monkey I'd rather have a parrot. Because parrots can talk and are more personable. And I'll get to make these unilateral decisions because in this fight-or-flight economy, immediate action is necessary at all times. In fact, employees will have to attend the weekly "Rose Ceremony"...anyone not pulling their weight will be cut from the crew. Essentially, pruning and removing the figurative thorns from the Flowers & Fortunes team.

C-dawg will be in charge of team building activities like group waterings and coffee outings. Additionally, C-dawg will handle our 'no-refund' company policy.

Chi-chetti will be the gatekeeper. Can't bullshit a bullshitter.

Our averaged-height staff will be able to accommodate all of your greenery needs. Chocolates are complimentary (as long as average height staff can resist the temptation).

It could be the next reality tv show.

In other words, everything relating to Cubicle Land, sales, leads, off-the-cuff...is all crap. It's a glorified way of painting that picture of the American Dream for youngins. But isn't your success in Sales based on the effort you put forth? They should really tell you that it's capitalism based on bondage. Because really you're just a wave-rider on someone else's credible coattails.

Isn't that just a rose thorn in your side?

Existentialism and Cubism

Don't let the title deceive you. The subject matter of this blog entry is significantly less intellectually demanding than you may think.

Basically, poor Magpie is wondering "WTF AM I DOING HEREEEEE???"

It's okay. This is a typical twenty-something response to cubicle confinement. You're not alone. At times like these, I like to reflect on lives of greater, influential leaders...

"Continuous effort - not strength or intelligence - is the key to unlocking our potential. "
-Winston Churchill

C'mon, that guy did something right. And I guess that's all well and good but when you figure that your 80 dials on a telephone pad each day are contributing to The Office's success by only a fraction of a percent, life seems pretty dull.

To spice things up the Cube Chat today focused on women with mutliple Vs (ummmm?) and I can't even describe the site over in the 3rd pod that I witnessed: BuckWild was perfecting her domestic sandwich-making skills, hovering over TBag who looked like a child in a high-chair. Nothing like a PBJ to get you through the day.

Also. Do you think that it will be feasible for The Office to do a trade with a medical marijuana center in California?

That would totally blast our minds while we prophesize and contemplate our quadrilateral existence.

Public Service Announcement

The cubicle gods hath heard my cries, for yesterday I had a cube buddy! HookerJones' porn perusing got a little out of hand and her computer crashed (nice job, Ace). So for a few hours I had some one across the aisle to toss the beanbag with, some one to make faces at. She was very understanding that my fine motor skills rival that of an elephant seal (arf! arf!).

Breaking from blogging to bring you a Public Service Announcement. Homeownership may not be all that it's cracked up to be. My non-cubicle friend, J-fizzle, is in a bit of a jam:


I need your help.

I urgently need to sell my new dishwasher. Rob is not happy that I've wasted money on this particular model and insists that I get rid of it ASAP.

So, to keep the peace in my home, please consider making an offer... All offers will be considered.

If not interested, forward to your friends for me. Thanks!

I have included a picture below.

Kind of an expensive model but look at the features…

Be ready to perform regular maintenance. And yes, the detachable faucet is included...

HookerJones is avidly researching this brand's computer models.
Hit ext 548 to place your order.

(C-dawg, please close your mouth and control your breathing.
You're frightening the interviewees.)

Six More Frigid Weeks

The cubicle cronie peeped its head out of the top of its cube this morning. Only to see its shotty sales numbers and quickly ducked back into the cube for another six weeks of ...dialing?

Happy Groundhog's Day.

The pressures of the corporate totem pole have been leaning down on us. Pretty sure it has nothing to do with a groundhog...we can't even see the sun. More meetings. Taking roll call like we're coming in from recess or something. Quotas. Got a great few weeks ahead.

I'm gonna need a few extra packets of Splenda in my morning coffee so my days aren't so, ya know...bitter.

Big Guns

Today they brought in the big guns.

An actual repair man came in to take care of the miserable printer. And still it doesn't print. Free coffee compensates the added stresses of having to replicate pages by hands (nothing can comp the added stress of having to decipher your co-workers' handwriting.).

The Butler is readying for her debut on the next season of The Bachelor. Every contestant needs an angle...peanut butter allergy? good girl gone bad? how about the mayor's daughter...trying to find love among politics (credit Chi-chetti with that one!).

We'll be in charge of her interview video, and therefore her success. If all else fails she maybe we can get her on Maury for something dramatic...office romance gone wrong, suing for a tragic elevator accident...